I'm Not Wearing Any Trousers

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First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2020

FIRST EDITION

Text © HarperCollinsPublishers 2020

Cover design by Simeon Greenaway © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2021

Cover and internal illustrations © Shutterstock.com

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Abbie Headon asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008458737

Ebook Edition © November 2020 ISBN: 9780008458744

Version: 2020-11-11

Note to Readers

This ebook contains the following accessibility features which, if supported by your device, can be accessed via your ereader/accessibility settings:

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 Page numbers taken from the following print edition: ISBN 9780008458737

Contents

1  Cover

2  Title Page

3  Copyright

4  Note to Readers

5  Contents

6  Warning

7  Introduction

8  Working from Home

9 Starting the Day

10  The Perfect WFH Office

11  Winning at Online Meetings

12  Emailing Like a Boss

13  Productivity Schmoductivity

14  The Lunch Break Cometh

15  Serving Looks

16  Never WFH with Children …

17  … Or Animals

18  The Office Social

19  Afterword

20  About the Publisher

LandmarksCoverFrontmatterStart of ContentBackmatter

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Warning

FOR OPTIMAL ENJOYMENT, NO TROUSERS SHOULD BE WORN WHILE READING THIS BOOK.

Introduction

Welcome to I’m Not Wearing Any Trousers, the ultimate working from home survival guide!

Since a certain virus made its presence felt in early 2020, business life has changed for most of us in office jobs. Instead of getting dressed and going to work every day, we’re more likely to tumble out of bed, stumble to the kitchen and then just stay there all day hunched over a laptop, drinking more cups of ambition* than are strictly good for us.

Working from home can be a lot more fun than the boring old office slog. As you’ll already know from picking up this book, trousers are now entirely optional – as long as you maintain an illusion of professionalism from the waist up, your boss and customers will be satisfied. And it’s not just your trousers that you can consign to the dustbin of history; you can say au revoir to tedious commuting, auf Wiedersehen to awkward small talk while you’re waiting for the kettle to boil and sayonara to queuing for the photocopier.

Of course, it’s not all plain sailing here in WFH-land. After all, commuting gives you an excuse to sit down with a good book before starting work (not you, drivers – unless it’s an audiobook, of course), kitchen conversations can be the best sources of office gossip and when you’re WFH there actually isn’t a photocopier, which is occasionally quite inconvenient, as it turns out. But still: no trousers trumps all of this.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

This book is designed to welcome newbie WFH-ers into the world of optional trouserage, to celebrate everything that makes life at home more fun than the daily grind in the office, and to give you tips on how to Zoom like a total boss, win the obligatory Friday Quiz and basically get through the day without showing all your colleagues that you are, in fact, trouserless.

Whether you’re a recent convert to WFH or a long-term freelance hermit, you are welcome here – fun, flexibility, unlimited snack breaks and stretchy clothes await you! You’ll be a pro in no time. And you never need to wear trousers ever again.

* Coffee, obviously – ‘ambition’ feels a bit, well, ambitious to those of us sitting in the pyjamas we were sleeping in last night. And the night before. And … well, you get the picture.

WORKING-FROM-HOMERS, UNITE!

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR:

• SOCIAL SKILLS

• CURRENT CLOTHES SIZE

• ABILITY TO DRESS SMARTLY BELOW WAIST LEVEL

Working from Home

YOUR TIMETABLE FOR THE DAY

A common problem of the WFH lifestyle is that time loses its structure, and every day (heck, every hour) can feel much the same as the one before. So boss your day from sun-up to sun-downer with this handy timetable.

7:00 A.M. Your alarm goes off. You remember you don’t have to wear smart clothes, do your make-up or commute anywhere. Back to sleep!

8:00 A.M. OK, it’s probably time to think about getting up now. Sorry about that. You’ll want to plan your outfit of the day. No meetings? Might as well stay in your pyjamas. Big presentation to the board? Time to dig out that shirt and jacket you last wore in February 2020. You’ve got this!

9:00 A.M. Better crank up the computer and find out what delights are waiting in your inbox.

9:05 A.M. COFFEE BREAK (you don’t want to rush things, after all).

9:30 A.M. Plan the day, answer an email or two, WhatsApp your work BFF.

10:00 A.M. Company meeting: time to break out your ‘interested employee’ face. Don’t worry, it won’t last too long. And then you can have another …

10:30 A.M. COFFEE BREAK

11:00 A.M. Time to get some work done.

12:00 P.M. LUNCH BREAK (well done for holding out so long, you hero).

1:00 P.M. EXERCISE: you could theoretically still be at lunch, so you might as well take a spin round the park for an hour. If anyone asks, you’re brainstorming new ideas, thinking blue-sky thoughts and shifting paradigms, even if it looks like you’re just feeding the pigeons.

2:00 P.M. One-to-one meeting. You can tell your boss about that email you sent this morning. Nice going!

3:00 P.M. COFFEE BREAK (you’re allowed to switch to tea if you’re getting a bit twitchy).

3:30 P.M. Time to get some more work done (maybe).

4:00 P.M. COFFEE BREAK (you’ll definitely need biscuits with this).

4:30 P.M. The Big Presentation. No, I don’t know why it was scheduled for the end of the day, either. Can’t the international office get up earlier, FFS?

5:30 P.M. Pens down everyone – it’s time to stop and have a GIN BREAK

… UNLESS …

6:00 P.M. The Work Social, aka Enforced Fun

7:00 P.M. UNPLUG (not really, just stare at your phone on the sofa while also watching TV).

LATER Sleep – no honestly, this will be fine, it’s not as if you’ve been indoors nearly all day, staring at screens of varying sizes, feeling stressed, with no colleagues to bitch with in the kitchen over coffee, you’ll fall asleep just like that

Read on, brave WFH-er, as we venture into the ups and downs of the non-office day. All of the advice in the following chapters has been scientifically researched* to help get you through the WFH day while screaming ‘WTF?!’ as little as possible.

* No science, research or trousers were involved.

Starting the Day

It’s important to re-create that commuting-to-work vibe as authentically as possible if you’re going to start the WFH day in a truly professional frame of mind. This handy guide will get you in the right mood, so you turn up to the office (i.e. to your desk/kitchen table) feeling properly stressed, frazzled and grumpy. Bon voyage!

IT’S NOT GOOD TO TALK

For the best start to your WFH commute, make an agreement with your housemates, partner and/or family members not to talk or smile before 9:30 a.m. There, that’s better.

BREAKFAST

Obviously when you’re commuting you don’t have time for a peaceful breakfast at the kitchen table, so you’ll need to take this most important meal of the day on your journey. You’ll need the following ingredients:

 An expensive but somewhat mediocre coffee, served either far too hot or much too cold. For the full experience, stand in line waiting to get your coffee until you’re almost too late for work, while another member of your household stands in front of you hunting slowly and inefficiently for their loyalty card (‘I’m sure it’s in here somewhere, let me just check the other pocket …’).

 A croissant, baked yesterday but sold to you today for at least £2.00.

 If no stale pastries are available, a small Tupperware container of muesli will do instead. Or a chocolate bar (your WFH day, your rules).

For a proper commuting breakfast you’ll need to hold your cup and food item of choice as well as a bag containing everything you’ll need for the day, while wearing all your outdoor clothes. A wet umbrella clasped to your side is a bonus, and if any helpful housemates can jog your elbow just as you’re about to sip your lava-hot coffee, so much the better.

Ideally by the end of breakfast you’ll be too hot, you’ll have coffee stains and/or pastry crumbs on your coat and shoes, and you’ll be down at least a fiver. Good work!

RE: CYCLING

You could go out for a cycle before starting work, getting some fresh air and sunshine (or daylight, at least) into the start of your day. But if you want to be true to the ethics of WFH, there is another way.

YOU WILL NEED

 Your old exercise bike. Can’t find it? Remember, it’s in the bedroom, under a huge pile of washing. Just remove a few more layers and you’ll find it. Careful not to choke on the dust – you haven’t used it in a while.

 A full set of outdoor clothes, including waterproof trousers (don’t worry – you can go back to wearing no trousers as soon as you get to work).

 A heavy bag, either dangling precariously from one shoulder or hanging from your handlebar.

 A spray bottle full of water, dirty if possible.

METHOD

 Try to make sure the bike is positioned in a tight spot so you feel you’re constantly in danger of being squashed or falling off.

 Set up a playlist of engine noise, car horns and (this one’s just for the female cyclists) sudden shouted sexual remarks.

 Climb aboard your bike, feeling flustered because you’re running late.

 Ask a member of your household to spray you with dirty water just when you’re not expecting it. A face-shot will get you in the perfect mood for a day in the office.

If you follow these instructions for at least twenty minutes, you should arrive at work hot, sweaty, scared and enraged. No time for a shower – proceed directly to your first meeting of the day. There’s really nothing like a refreshing cycle ride, is there?

RECREATE THE STRAIN OF THE TRAIN

For the ultimate peak-time railway experience you’ll want to be nicely squashed, and alternately too hot and too cold. If you don’t have access to total strangers for this part of the journey, see if you can persuade any spouses, housemates, children or pets to take up all your personal space (something which is often not a problem with the two latter groups anyway). Squeeze into your shower cubicle wearing your boots, coat, woolly hat and scarf, and sway from side to side while listening to someone else’s terrible music from the outside of their headphones.

FEELING RELAXED?

THEN YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

If you don’t have a shower cubicle, an airing cupboard is a great alternative and creates an authentic ‘stuck in a Tube tunnel in the dark for longer than seems reasonable’ vibe that can’t be matched anywhere else in your home.

Make-up wearers: this is your chance to practise your artistic skills, recreating the uneven wobbly eyeliner you’re known for. If there’s nobody around to jog your arm as you’re pointing a brush laden with make-up directly at your eyeball, you can sit on the washing machine during its spin cycle for a very similar effect. (Any other effects of this manoeuvre on your mood are somewhat outside the scope of this book.)

Washing machines aside, with this journey technique you should emerge grumpier and slightly more dishevelled than you started, with an attractive fresh-from-the-Tube sheen – just the way to begin the day.

BUSRIDER’S HOLIDAY

The instructions for a WFH bus commute are largely similar to the train tips above, but for this one you’ll need sudden jolts left, right, forwards and backwards as you’re travelling. Ideally you’ll want to step on someone’s foot and have someone step on yours.

If you can arrange for a damp backpack to be pressed into your face while a polite robotic voice explains that there are 91 more stops before you reach your destination, so much the better. You’ll definitely find it impossible to read more than two pages of your book under these circumstances, and that’s the main thing.

DRIVING YOURSELF BANANAS

You don’t have to join the herd and save the environment for your WFH commute – you can always drive instead. For this variant you’ll need to tie yourself into an armchair for half an hour while listening to the news, becoming increasingly outraged at how useless everyone who’s supposed to be in charge is at their jobs and worrying about what the day will bring.

If you can set up a TV or computer screen to show a boring motorway or (even better) an unmoving scene of packed traffic, that will bring more verité and stress to the experience.

OPTIONAL PARENTING ADD-ON

If you have children you can add extra depth to your WFH commute:

Ask your children to sing the same song over and over. In fact you probably won’t even have to ask them – they’ll know in advance this is helpful, and they’ll choose the least restful song. If in doubt, ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen is a sure-fire winner.

Arrange for your children to start arguing about who saw something outside the window first – this will prepare you for workplace conversations about who had the idea for the new product design first. Lovely.

If possible, make sure one of your children shouts, ‘I need a poo NOW’ and then says, ‘No, it’s OK’ and goes ominously quiet for the next ten minutes.

WALK LIKE A COMMUTER

Obviously walking to your WFH job is the most peaceful option of all the commuting methods, so only do this if none of the options above are available, or you’ll risk being far too chilled to appreciate the urgent spreadsheets and high-pressure virtual meetings that are awaiting you today.

If you must go outside, try to choose a route with as much traffic as possible, or, even better, play yourself a soundtrack of car and bus horns so you feel genuinely stressed by the time you get home again.

An alternative for those of us who’ve stayed true to the trouserless goals of WFH is to pace around your home, dodging piles of papers from work (you said you were going to look into them, you optimistic star-child, but now you know better) and that mini scooter your offspring left helpfully at the top of the stairs. A hundred or so circuits of the front room should get you nicely tuned in to the sheer futility of whatever the day has in store.

Remember, if you start your WFH day feeling calm, well-fed and as if you’ve just rolled out of bed, you’re going to be in much too good a mood to face your first virtual meeting – and we all know that being too cheerful in meetings can lead to suddenly being given extra work to do. Nobody wants that. Never skimp on these stages or you might end up feeling relaxed and mellow for the rest of the day.

AGONY AUNT LETTER

‘Dear WFH Agony Aunt, I get that feeling stressed and sweaty is important, but I’d like to use my bonus non-commuting time to do something nice instead. Isn’t that a good idea?

Yours, Hopelessly Optimistic and New to All This WFH Malarkey’

Well, yes, Hopelessly Optimistic, there are loads of things you could do with an extra hour at the start and end of each day. You could write that novel you’ve been banging on about – no, please, the world needs more novels, really it does. You could go for a jog, tend to your sourdough starter, take up t’ai chi. You could even give yourself an extra lie-in.

But if you truly want to be in the right frame of mind for a day at work, what you need is an hour scrolling through Twitter and Instagram, ideally losing your Wi-Fi signal every few minutes, while standing up and holding a cup of expensive coffee. By the time you start work you’ll be so cross about the state of the world and jealous of how much fun everyone else seems to be having that you’ll be typing passive–aggressive emails like a pro.

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