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That night, Lucinda sat in front of her dressing mirror brushing her hair when Justin knocked and asked if he might enter. She gave permission and he came in, looking at her oddly as she stood and turned to face him. Something in his expression spoke of hunger and a need to take her in his arms and for a moment she hoped that he intended to make up their quarrel, but his next words chilled her.
‘Forgive me, I did not intend to disturb you, Lucinda. I said nothing downstairs for I would not have the servants hear me. I must go to London tomorrow on business. You will give me your word to remain here and do nothing to cause more scandal.’
His harsh words hurt her. ‘Why should I cause more scandal? Can you not accept that I am sorry for harming you?’
‘Perhaps. I was merely making myself clear. I need a little space to come to terms with what you told me earlier. I should be no longer than ten days—perhaps less. When I return we shall take time to know each other properly. I think perhaps we wed in haste. We know very little about one another’s lives.’
‘I told you that when you asked me to wed you, Justin.’
‘I believed I knew you,’ he said and a tiny nerve flicked at his temple. ‘Now I know that I was wrong. I think we must both work at this, Lucinda. I did not mean to be so harsh earlier. Had I not cared for you, it would not have been such a shock to learn that you were not what I thought you.’
‘Yes, I understand you must feel disgust and anger,’ she said, but kept her head high. ‘I have apologised for not telling you—but I am as I was. I did nothing to encourage that man’s attack, I promise you.’
‘You will give me his name?’
‘What do you intend to do?’ She was startled, her eyes on his face.
‘He may well be your blackmailer—had you not thought of him?’
‘No,’ Lucinda whispered, putting a hand to her throat. ‘I have not thought about who wrote the note.’
‘You have not wondered?’ Justin looked puzzled. ‘Surely you must realise that whomever it was will most likely try again. Next time I insist that you bring the letter to me.’
‘Yes,’ she said, not daring to meet his eyes. ‘But it was not signed.’
‘No, it would not be—but sometimes there is a clue. Was it well written or badly formed?’
‘Oh, I had not thought…well written, I think. Yes, the letters were clear and there were no spelling or grammar mistakes.’
‘Then it makes it more likely that it was either your father’s friend himself—or perhaps the doctor who assisted at the birth. Who else would know your secret, Lucinda?’
‘Grandmama, my parents and the doctor—also my grandmother’s servants. They knew what had happened, I am sure.’
‘Yes, they must, but most servants could not write a letter of that quality. I think it narrows the options a little.’
‘Unless…Grandmama had friends. She may have told someone in confidence.’ Lucinda raised her eyes to his. ‘Why is it important?’
‘Because I must be ready in case whomever it is tries again. You will not pay, Lucinda. You will have nothing to do with this person, whomever it may be. I shall deal with the problem, do you hear me?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Very well. We shall not speak of this again unless we must.’ He moved towards her. For a moment she thought he meant to touch her or kiss her, but instead he picked up a perfume bottle from the dressing table and held it to his nose. ‘This is such a haunting scent. I kept smelling it when you were away and it brought you closer. I am glad to have you back, Lucinda.’
She swallowed hard. ‘Thank you for accepting me.’
‘You are my wife. What else should I do?’
The expression in his eyes caused Lucinda’s heart to race. For a moment she thought he would take her into his arms and kiss her. Had he done so she would have clung to him, returned his kisses and then confessed her secret, but the look faded. He inclined his head to her, then turned and walked away without touching her or speaking further.
Lucinda stared at the door for some moments after he closed it behind him. She almost wished that he had raged at her. His quiet, controlled anger was hard to bear. She could not blame him, because she’d brought it on herself, but it still hurt. Justin had been so courteous towards her, so careful and caring of her feelings and her comfort. Where had that charming, gentle, teasing gentleman gone? Would she ever see him again—or had her thoughtless deceit destroyed him?
Sitting on the edge of the bed, she discovered that she could no longer hold back her tears. They trickled unheeded down her cheeks for some minutes, then she wiped them away. She would not waste time feeling sorry for herself.
She must think about the future. If she was to keep her daughter and hide the secret from Justin, it would mean taking Alice into her confidence. Her maid was honest and would help her by taking messages to her daughter and making excuses for her absence when she went to visit the child.
It was not an ideal arrangement keeping Angela in the old cottage at the edge of the estate, but it was all she could do for the moment. She had been so lucky to find that Nanny was still alive and living a precarious existence since her dismissal from Mrs Seymour’s employ.
‘She is a little love, but too thin,’ Nanny said as Lucinda explained the circumstances. ‘Yes, of course I will look after your daughter for you, my love. I never agreed with the way your father treated you—and to tell you she was dead, that was wicked. Had I been in a position to help you before this I should have done so, but I was dismissed instantly for having a bad influence on you.’
‘That was unfair.’
‘Well, it is past and the child is the important one now.’ Nanny smiled and touched her head, but Angela sniffled and looked apprehensive, as though she feared she would be smacked or bullied.
‘She has been ill-treated, so you must not scold her too much. I know her speech is bad, but correct her kindly, Nanny. She will learn by example.’
‘Yes, of course she will. I never smacked you, Lucinda, and I shall not smack this little darling—but she must start to learn her manners for she is your daughter.’
‘For the moment I cannot acknowledge her. My husband would not allow it.’
Nanny looked at her sadly. ‘You should tell your husband the truth, Lucinda. He couldn’t let you acknowledge her, of course, but if he is a good man he will allow you to see her—and he’ll find a decent place for us to live.’
‘I hope in time to confide in him, but for now it must be our secret.’
‘Very well.’
Nanny had agreed reluctantly. Lucinda knew she would care for the child as if she were her own, but she did not approve.
Alice might not approve, either—but for the moment Lucinda had no choice.
Perhaps after Justin’s return, if they became friends again, she could tell him. He might not let her have the child with her, but he might allow her to have Angela near her and visit sometimes.
Retiring to her bed, Lucinda lay restless, her mind in turmoil. If Justin discovered that she had lied to him again, he would hate her.
Justin lay sleepless. He had brought the decanter of brandy to his room, hoping that a glass or two of his favourite tipple would dull the edge of his need, but at the moment it did not seem to have worked. The desire to touch and kiss his wife was burning through him, making him groan. Had he been less proud, more sure of his own feelings and hers, he would have gone to her, taken her in his arms and begged her to forgive him. Being close to her that evening had made him aware just how lovely she was—and how much he burned to make her his wife in truth. He was a fool to let himself be hurt. Why not simply make this quarrel up with her and forget everything in her arms—bury himself in her perfumed flesh?
No, that was foolish. His father would have called him a weakling for considering such an action. Justin had been strictly reared to understand the position he held as head of one of the leading families in England. Indeed, the first duke was rumoured to be one of Charles I’s by-blows, borne of a titled lady who had kept her secret even from the king until later in life when she made a request for her son and was granted the title on his behalf. His father’s words ran through his mind.
‘Remember what you owe yourself and the family, Justin. Feeling must always be denied for, if once set free, it will ruin any man. You are of noble blood and must never forget your duty. Our family has upheld the true virtues of honour and decency for centuries. Do not be the one to break that slender thread.’
His father would say it was his duty to annul the marriage at once, to send Lucinda away in disgrace and marry a girl of impeccable reputation.
No, he could not do that. Justin was angry and hurt, but beneath the pain and the rage he knew that he still wanted his beautiful wife. He still cared what became of her. To abandon her to the gossips would be cruel and senseless. Deep within him the need to protect her from hurt had asserted itself. He must not let what had happened ruin both their lives.
Somehow he must come to terms with the situation and the only way to do that was to put a little distance between them for a while. If he stayed here, he would not be able to keep from her bed.
Chapter Three
Lucinda set out early the next morning, just after she’d seen Justin drive away in his curricle. It was cool and she was wearing a warm cloak to cover her gown, which was one of her plainer ones. She had saved some of the sweet biscuits and a soft white roll that had been sent up for her breakfast. Her daughter enjoyed sweet trifles, perhaps the more so because she had never tasted a cake until recently. Nanny said she ought not to have too many, but Lucinda felt a deep hurtful guilt because of the way her daughter had been mistreated and she wanted to spoil her.
She wished with all her heart that she might have the child living with her at the house and acknowledge her openly, if not as her own child, as a child of a relative sadly deceased. However, she knew that it was impossible. The fact that she must deceive Justin added to her grief, but for the moment there was no other way. Perhaps in time he might learn to trust her and then she might confess her secret, but even an indulgent husband would not allow her to have the child with her permanently. The likeness between them was marked and someone might guess her secret.
As she approached the small cottage she had rented for her child and Nanny, Angela saw her from the window and came out, running to meet her. Lucinda opened her arms, sweeping her up and hugging her tightly as she burst into tears.
‘I thought yer would never come back,’ Angela said and looked at her with reproach. ‘You promised to take care of me.’
‘And I shall,’ Lucinda promised and kissed her cheek. She smelled of soap and her skin shone. Wearing the pretty dress Lucinda had purchased for her before they came here, she looked beautiful, her stick-thin body beginning to show signs of the good food she was now eating every day. ‘I promise you that no one will hurt you again, my darling. Nanny is good to you, isn’t she?’
‘Yes…but I want to be with yer…you,’ Angela corrected herself and then sucked her thumb, her eyes wide and expectant.
Lucinda pulled the thumb from her mouth and smiled. ‘You will spoil your pretty hands if you do that, dearest. Mama has to work to provide a home for you and Nanny. I shall come to you whenever I can, my darling, but you must be good for me and do as Nanny tells you.’
‘She is no trouble at all,’ Nanny said as Lucinda looked at her enquiringly. ‘Did you notice that her speech is improving already?’
‘Yes, with a few slips,’ Lucinda said and kissed her child before setting her down. Angela went off to play with some brightly coloured bricks that Nanny had given her, a relic from her mother’s childhood. ‘She will learn by our example, Nanny. I am sorry I could not return last night, but I was afraid to leave the house too late in case it was noticed.’
‘You have not told him about the child.’ Nanny shook her head in disapproval. ‘I fear you’re laying up trouble for yourself, Lucinda. When he knows you’ve deceived him he will be angry.’
‘I do not wish to hurt my husband,’ Lucinda said. ‘He was angry with me when I told him why I left that day, though he insists that our marriage must continue.’
‘What do you want?’
‘I…love him,’ Lucinda confessed, her voice breaking. ‘At least, I love the man he was when we married. He seems so harsh now, but I know that is my fault for hurting him. Nanny, it is so hard, so very hard. I love them both. How can I choose one or the other?’
‘Perhaps it would not be necessary if you told him the truth?’
‘He would not accept her—how could I expect it?’ Lucinda asked, blinking back the tears that threatened. ‘It would break my heart to leave him and yet I must see her every day—I must!’
‘Well, there is nothing to prevent you while I am able to care for her—but that may not be forever. I am nearly sixty and she will need a home until she is old enough to care for herself.’
‘In time I shall try to make other arrangements, but for now I must leave her in your care.’
‘And you may do so safely,’ Nanny promised. ‘I love her as if she were my own, just as I loved you.’
‘Yes, I know, that is why I came to you.’
‘Where is your husband now?’
‘He went to London on business. I think he hopes that a little time apart will be healing for us both. The revelation I made was a terrible shock for him.’
‘How much worse might it be if he learned that you had a child—that you had lied to him? You must be careful when you come here,’ Nanny said and looked doubtful. ‘But we shall say no more. Play with the child while you have the chance. In time she will get used to your coming and going.’
‘Yes, of course. She must. Even if she lived with me I should only be able to see her a few times a day.’
‘Children belong in the nursery until they are older. It is the way of things amongst your class, Lucinda. It is just that at the moment she is fearful that she will be taken back to that dreadful woman,’ Nanny said. ‘That will not happen while I have breath in my body. If I had my way, that woman would be thrown into prison and left there to rot—and others like her who exploit children.’
‘How fierce you are, dearest Nanny,’ Lucinda said and laughed softly. ‘I see that I do not need to worry for Angela while she has you.’
Lucinda was conscious of the housekeeper’s curious looks as she returned to the house later that day. Clearly the woman thought it strange that she had been gone for such a long time.
‘I should like some tea,’ she said. ‘It was such a lovely day that I walked farther than I knew. I will take tea in the small parlour at the back of the house, please.’
‘Yes, your Grace.’
‘Please, Mrs Mann, I would rather you called me “ma’am” or “my lady.” I am not used to such a grand title.’
‘As you wish, ma’am. I shall bring your tea at once.’ The housekeeper started to walk away, then stopped and looked back. ‘Miss Lanchester called earlier. I told her you had gone for a walk.’
‘Oh, how unfortunate,’ Lucinda said. ‘I should have liked to see her.’
‘Miss Lanchester asked if you would take tea with her this afternoon?’
‘Yes, I think I shall. I shall change my gown and you may have the carriage sent round. Please do not bother with the tea. I shall wait and take a dish with my friend.’
‘But you must be famished, ma’am. You’ve had nothing since breakfast.’
‘Oh…I took one of my breakfast rolls with me. I like to go for long walks and seldom need much in the middle of the day. You may tell Cook to give me an extra roll and biscuits in the morning—or a croissant or two. Also fruit, if we have apples or soft fruits that I may carry with me to nibble as I walk.’
‘Yes, my lady. If it is your wish.’
Clearly Mrs Mann thought it a very odd request. Ladies in Lucinda’s position did not spend hours walking about the countryside alone and they certainly did not eat in public.
Amused by the housekeeper’s ill-hidden disapproval, Lucinda went up to change for the afternoon. Angela had cried and clung to her when she left her and that had made Lucinda reluctant to leave, but Nanny told her the tears would stop as soon as she had gone.
‘Children often cry when their mothers leave them, but they soon get used to it. Angela will settle to a routine. I shall begin easy lessons soon and, as she begins to want to learn, she will not miss you so much.’
Lucinda accepted her word. Nanny had had a great deal of experience of such things. Besides, Lucinda could not spend all her time with her daughter.
Nanny had brought some books and toys with her, but she would need more as Angela grew. There must be a nursery here at Avonlea House, but as yet Lucinda had not visited it. She made up her mind that she would ask Mrs Mann about it that evening and then she would see what she could find that might be useful. All nurseries had old books and toys pushed away into cupboards; they would not be missed and she could take them to her daughter.
Feeling much better about her situation, Lucinda hurried to change into a fresh gown. She did not think she would disclose her secret to Jane just yet, though she might have done so the previous day if Jane’s brother had not arrived at the wrong moment.
Her thoughts turned to Justin and she wondered what the business was that had taken him to London. Was it important—or simply an excuse to put some distance between them?
The meeting with his lawyer took longer than expected. It was late in the afternoon when Justin left his office and began to walk towards his club. He was feeling thoughtful, reflecting on the scene with Lucinda the night before he left her. She’d looked so beautiful when he went into her bedchamber and the scent of her had made him weak with longing. He’d known a fierce desire to sweep her into his arms and make love to her. It was merely his foolish pride that had kept him from making up their quarrel instantly.
A quarrel of his making! Lucinda had not quarrelled at all. It was he that had driven a rift between them with his foolish pride. Now that he’d had leisure to reflect, he knew that she’d been placed in an intolerable position and he was angry, not with her, but himself for not being more understanding, and with all the people who had hurt her.
He understood her father’s anger when her condition became known, but if she had been raped Mr Seymour’s anger ought to have been directed at the man who had taken such foul advantage of her.
The past three days had given Justin time to come to terms with the shock and to reason things out in his mind. Lucinda had not set her cap at Justin. Indeed, she had given him no encouragement at the start, as if she felt herself unworthy or unfit for marriage. His persistence had brought her to a change of heart. While she ought to have told him the truth, he could understand her fear—especially if her heart was touched.
If she loved him, as she professed, she would have feared his rejection. Yet she ought to have known that he cared for her and would listen to her story with sympathy.
It was not her secret that had hurt him so much as her lack of trust, Justin thought. However, she had told him the truth now and he must respect her for that because…he did not wish to lose her. He was not certain why he disliked the idea of an annulment; it was not fear of scandal, though he would be loath to sully his family’s good name. No, it was more—an odd feeling that his life would become an empty wasteland if Lucinda were no longer in it. During the time she was missing he’d never allowed himself to consider his own feelings, but he’d never given up hope that she would be found.
To throw away all the good that could come from his marriage because his wife had been the victim of an evil man would be ridiculous.
He had a few more people he must speak to in town and then he would return to Avonlea. Justin could only hope that his show of temper had not alienated Lucinda altogether. He would try to save their marriage, because he did not wish for a final parting. Meanwhile, he would buy her a pretty trinket to show her that he was sorry for his show of temper.
Lucinda looked around the nursery. It was a large pleasant room that had a sunny aspect and would be warm even in winter. She thought how pleasant it would be if Nanny and Angela could live here. The cottage was well enough for the moment, but as her daughter grew she would begin to wonder why she was forced to live in a cottage while her mother lived in the big house through the woods.
Sighing, Lucinda opened the cupboard door. She had discovered a hoard of treasure in the form of books and small toys. So far she had taken a doll with a wax head, which might have been used by a dressmaker to show off her latest designs, a carved wooden horse and two picture books.
She was reaching for an abacus when a noise behind her made her aware that someone was there. She turned with a little start, feeling absurdly guilty.
‘You startled me, Mrs Mann. Did you wish to speak with me?’
‘Will you be out this morning, ma’am? Cook wondered what to do about luncheon.’
‘Oh, yes, I shall,’ Lucinda said. ‘I was just admiring the nursery. I think my husband and his siblings were fortunate children to have such a pleasant room.’
‘Yes, it is nice,’ Mrs Mann said. ‘Were you thinking of having it refurbished? I know the last lady of the house thought that Nanny’s room needed some attention.’
‘Yes, perhaps I shall,’ Lucinda said. ‘I shall speak to his Grace about it. Thank you, you may go now.’
‘I was wondering about some of the rooms in the west wing, my lady. When you have time you might wish to take a look—especially at the attics. In the old days the servants had rooms there, but they were moved to the east wing because the rooms needed repairs. His Grace’s father spoke of having them improved, but it did not happen. Some of the maids are sharing and it would be better if we could use those rooms again.’
‘Yes, I understand,’ Lucinda said. ‘I shall look at the rooms this afternoon when I return—if that suits you?’
‘Yes, ma’am, whenever you wish.’
Lucinda waited until the housekeeper left and then reached back into the cupboard. She took out the abacus. It would help Nanny teach Angela her numbers and was only wasted here. No one used these apartments and would not until…The thought of having Justin’s child brought a smile to her face. If that were to happen, she would be very happy—yet deep inside her there was pain because Angela would be shut out of this family. Even if Lucinda made time to visit her once a day—and when Justin returned that might be more difficult—she would always be on the outside, never taking her proper place in her mother’s life.
Tears stung Lucinda’s eyes as she hid the abacus under her cloak and went downstairs. Giving her daughter sweetmeats and toys was a poor substitute for a proper home and the security she truly needed. It was useless to repine! The child would be waiting. She must hurry or Angela might have a tantrum. She did have a temper; though Nanny did her best to calm her, she was not as young as she’d once been and the child played her up at times.
‘I thought she was just being naughty at first,’ Nanny said as they stood by the child’s bed and looked at her flushed face. ‘She cried for you most of last night and this morning she threw her milk at me—but then she became hot and I realised she was not feeling well.’
‘Do you think she has a tummy upset?’
‘Perhaps. She ate her supper last night, but this morning did not touch her boiled egg. I thought perhaps we should have the doctor—what do you think?’
Lucinda laid a hand on the child’s brow. ‘I think she has a fever. I shall walk into the village and ask the doctor to call. I shall tell him the child belongs to my cousin and that she died. You are her nanny—that much at least is true.’