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Jaz wriggled her knickers back in place and smoothed her dress down as the lift continued up to their floor. ‘I reckon you must hold some sort of record for getting a condom on,’ she said into the silence. ‘It’s like a sleight of hand thing. Amazing.’
He gave her a glinting look as he zipped his trousers. ‘Always pays to be prepared.’
A shiver danced its way down her spine as he escorted her out of the lift to their suite, his hand resting in the small of her back. Once they were inside their suite he closed the door and pulled her to him until she was in the circle of his arms. ‘Happy with how tonight went?’ he said.
Was he talking about her business or their love-making? ‘I’ve got a meeting with the expo organisers next week,’ Jaz said. ‘It’s an exciting opportunity. I’m hoping it will lead to bigger events, maybe even internationally.’
He smoothed a wisp of her hair back off her face. ‘Why did you choose to design wedding gear? Why not evening, or fashion in general?’
Jaz slipped out of his hold, feeling a lecture coming on. Of course he would think weddings were a waste of time and money. He was a playboy. A wedding was the last thing on earth that would interest him. But to her they signified everything she had dreamed about as a child. Her parents hadn’t married. They hadn’t even made a formal commitment to each other. They had just hooked up one night and look how that had turned out. She had been passed between them like a parcel no one wanted until finally her mother had dumped her with her dad without even saying goodbye or ‘see you later’.
‘Jaz?’
She turned to look at him, her mouth set. ‘Do you know what it’s like to grow up without a sense of family? To have to borrow someone else’s family in order to feel normal?’
Jake frowned. ‘I’m not sure what that has to do with your choice of career but—’
‘It has everything to do with it,’ Jaz said. ‘For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be normal. To have normal parents, not one who’s off her face most of the time and the other who hadn’t wanted a kid in the first place. I didn’t have anything from either of my parents that made me feel a part of a unit. I was a mistake, an accident, an inconvenience.’ She folded her arms and continued. ‘But when a couple marries, it’s different. It’s a public declaration of love and commitment and mostly—not always, but mostly—one expressing a desire to have children.’
Jaz looked at him as the silence swelled. Had she said too much? Revealed too much? What did it matter? She was tired of him criticising her choices. ‘A wedding dress is something most brides keep for the rest of their lives,’ she said. ‘It can be passed down from a mother to a daughter. General fashion isn’t the same. It’s seasonal, transient. Some pieces might be passed on but they don’t have the emotional resonance a wedding dress has. That’s why I design wedding gowns. Every woman deserves to be a princess for a day. I like being able to make that wish come true.’ Even if I can’t make it come true for myself.
Jake gave a slow nod. ‘Sounds reasonable.’
‘But you think I’m crazy.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
Jaz went to the drinks fridge and poured a glass of mineral water, taking a sip before she turned to face him again. He was looking at her with a contemplative look on his face, his brows drawn together, his mouth set in a serious line, his gaze centred on hers. ‘I’m sorry if tonight’s been absolute torture for you but this weekend’s really important to me.’
His mouth tilted in a wry smile. ‘You’re not one bit sorry. You’ve enjoyed every minute, watching me squirm down there.’
Jaz smiled back. ‘It was rather fun, I have to admit. I can’t wait to see what press photos show up. I wonder if they got the one of you with the bouquet. Or maybe I should text it or post it online?’
He closed the distance between them and pulled her down to the bed in a tangle of limbs. ‘Cheeky minx,’ he said, eyes twinkling with amusement.
Jaz stroked the sexy stubble on his face, her belly fluttering with excitement as his hard body pressed against hers. His hooded gaze went to her mouth, his thumb coming up to brush over her lower lip until it tingled, as if teased by electrodes. ‘What are you thinking?’
‘You mean you can’t tell?’ he said with a wicked sparkle in his eyes.
She snatched in a breath as his body moved against her, triggering a tide of want that flooded her body, pooling hotly in her core. ‘When you hook up with someone, how many times do you have sex with them in one night?’
A frown creased his forehead. ‘Why do you want to know?’
Jaz traced the trench of his frown with her finger. ‘Just wondering.’
He caught her hand and pinned it on the bed beside her head, searching her gaze for a pulsing moment. ‘Wondering what?’
‘If you’ve done it more with me than with anyone else.’
‘And if I have?’
She looked at his mouth. ‘Is it...different...? With me, I mean?’
He nudged up her chin with a blunt fingertip, locking his gaze with hers. ‘Different in what way?’
Jaz wasn’t sure why she was fishing so hard for compliments. He had made it clear how long their fling was going to last. Just because he had made love to her several times tonight didn’t mean anything other than he had a high sex drive. He was, after all, a man in his sexual prime. But their love-making was so different from anything she had experienced with other partners. It was more exciting, more satisfying, more addictive, which was a problem because she couldn’t afford to get too used to having him. ‘I don’t know...more intense?’
He slid his hand along the side of her face to splay his fingers through her hair. It was an achingly tender hold that made Jaz’s heart squeeze as if someone had crushed it in a vice. Could it be possible he was coming to care for her? Really care for her? Was that why their intimacy was so satisfying? Did their physical connection reflect a much deeper one that had been simmering in the background for years?
But she didn’t love him.
Not the slavish way she had as a teenager. She was an adult now. Her feelings for him were mature and sensible. She knew his faults and limitations. She didn’t whitewash his personality to make him out to be anything he was not. She was too sensible to hanker after a future with him because he wasn’t the future type. He was the ‘for now’ type.
Falling in love with Jake Ravensdale once had been bad enough. To do it twice would be emotional suicide.
‘It is different,’ Jake said. ‘But that doesn’t mean I want it to continue longer than we agreed.’
‘I’m not asking for an extension,’ Jaz said. ‘I can’t afford to waste my time having a long-term fling with someone who doesn’t want the same things I want. I want to get on with my life and find my soul mate. I want to start a family before I’m thirty.’
His frown hadn’t quite gone away but now it was deeper than ever. ‘You shouldn’t rush into your next relationship. Take your time getting to know them. And what’s the big rush on having kids? You’re only twenty-three. You’ve got heaps of time.’
‘I don’t want to miss out on having kids,’ Jaz said. ‘I know so many women who’ve left it too late or circumstances have worked against them. I can’t imagine not having a family. It’s what I’ve wanted since I was a little girl.’
He moved away from her and got off the bed, scraping a hand through his hair before dropping it back by his side.
Jaz chewed at her lower lip. ‘Did I just kill the mood?’
He turned around with a smile that didn’t involve his eyes. ‘It’s been a long day. I’m going to have a shower and hit the sack. Don’t wait up.’
* * *
When Jake came out of the bathroom after his shower half an hour later, Jaz wasn’t in the bed. In fact, she wasn’t in the suite. He frowned as he searched the room, even going so far as to check under the bed. Where the hell was she? He glanced at her bag on the luggage rack. She obviously hadn’t checked out of the hotel as her things were still here. Although, come to think of it, he wouldn’t put it past her to flounce off, leaving him to pack her things. What was she up to? Their conversation earlier had cut a little close to the bone...for him, that was. Why did she have to carry on about marriage and kids all the time? She was a baby herself. Most twenty-three-year-olds were still out partying and having a good time.
But no, Jaz wanted the white picket fence and a bunch of wailing brats. What would happen to her stellar career as a wedding designer then? She would be doing more juggling than a circus act.
And as to finding her soul mate... Did she really believe such a thing existed? There was no such thing as a perfect partner. She was deluding herself with romantic notions of what her life could be like.
Well, he had news for her. It would be just like everyone else’s life—boring and predictable.
Jake called her number but it went straight through to voice mail. He paced about the suite, feeling more and more agitated. The weird thing was he spent hours of his life in hotel rooms, mostly alone. He rarely spent the whole night with anyone. It was less complicated when it came to the ‘morning after the night before’ routine.
But every time he looked at that bed he thought of how it had felt with Jaz, her arms and legs wrapped around him and her hot little mouth clamped to his. He couldn’t stop thinking about the lift either. He probably wouldn’t be able to get into one ever again without thinking of taking Jaz up against that mirrored wall. His blood pounded at the memory of it. He had been close to doing it without a condom. He still didn’t know how he’d got it on in time. He had been as worked up as a teenager on his first ‘sure thing’ date.
What was it about Jaz that made him so intensely attracted to her? It wasn’t like this with his other flings. Once or twice was usually enough before he was ready for more excitement. But with Jaz he was mad with lust. Crazy with it. Buzzing with it. Making love with her eased it for a heartbeat before he was aching for her again. It had to blow out eventually. It had to. He wasn’t putting down tent pegs just because the sex was good. Just as well they’d agreed on an end date. Two weeks was pushing it. He didn’t take that long for holidays because he always got bored. There was no way this was going to continue indefinitely.
No. Freaking. Way.
Jake threw on some clothes and finger-combed his damp hair on his way to the lift. She had to be in the hotel somewhere. He jabbed at the call button. Why the hell was it so slow? Was some other couple holed up in there, doing it? His gut tightened. Surely Jaz wouldn’t pick up someone and...? No. He slammed his foot down on the thought like someone stomping on a noxious spider.
The lift was empty.
So was his stomach as he searched the bar for the glimpse of that gorgeous honey-brown head. He went to the restaurant, and then looked through the foyer, but there was no sign of her anywhere. He hadn’t realised until then what had fuelled his heart-stopping panic. It hit him like a felling blow right in the middle of his chest. He couldn’t draw breath for a moment. His throat closed. He could feel his thudding pulse right down to his fingertips.
He had dismissed her. Rejected her. What if she had been upset and gone downstairs to God knew what? What if some unscrupulous guy had intercepted her? Shoved her into a back room and done the unthinkable?
The stateroom where the displays were set up was closed with a burly security guard posted outside.
The security guard gave Jake the eye as he tried the doorknob. ‘Sorry, buddy,’ the guard said with a smirk. ‘You’ll have to wait till morning to try a dress on.’
Jake wanted to punch him.
He retraced his steps; his growing dread making his skin break out in a clammy sweat until his shirt was sticking to his back like cling-film. Where could she have gone? He couldn’t get the image of her trapped in some room—some locked bathroom—with an opportunist creep mauling her. He would never be able to live with himself if she got hurt under his watch. She was with him. He was supposed to be her partner. Her ‘fiancé’. What sort of fiancé would let her wander off alone to be taken advantage of by some stranger? She was gullible with men. Look at the way she’d got engaged three times. He hadn’t liked one of them. They were nice enough men but not one of them was worthy of her.
Jake strode past the restrooms. Could she be in there? Locked inside one of the cubicles with someone? He did a quick whip round and checked that no one was watching before he pushed open the outer door. ‘Jaz? Are you in there?’ There was no answer so he went in through to where the cubicles were.
A middle-aged woman turned from the basins with her eyes blazing in indignation. ‘This is the ladies’ room!’
‘I—I know,’ Jake said, quickly back-pedalling with the woman following him like an army sergeant. ‘I’m looking for my...er...fiancée.’
The woman blasted him with a look that was as icy as the wind off the North Sea in winter. ‘I’ve met men like you before. Lurking around female toilets to get your sick thrills. I’ve a good mind to call security.’
Jake looked at her in open-mouthed shock, which didn’t seem to help his cause one little bit, because it looked like he’d been sprung doing exactly what the woman accused him of. ‘No, no, no,’ he said, trying to placate her as she took out her phone. If she took a snapshot of him in the female restrooms and it went viral he could forget about his reputation and his career. Both would be totally screwed. ‘My fiancée is this high...’ He put his hand up to demonstrate. ‘Really pretty with light-brown hair and grey-blue eyes and—’
‘Is there a problem?’ The security guard from outside the display room spoke from behind Jake.
Jake rolled his eyes. This was turning into such a freaking farce. And meanwhile Jaz was still missing. He turned to face the guard. ‘I’m looking for my fiancée. She’s not answering her phone. I thought she might be in the ladies’ room.’
The security guard’s mouth curled up on one side. ‘You seem to have a thing for what belongs to the ladies, don’t you, buddy?’
Jake clenched his hands in case he was tempted to use them to knock that sneer off the guard’s face. Time to play the famous card. ‘Look, I’m Jake Ravensdale,’ he said. ‘I’m—’
‘I don’t care if you’re Jack the bloody Ripper,’ the guard said. ‘I want you out of here before I call the cops.’
‘You can check with Reception,’ Jake said. ‘Get them to check the bookings. I’m here with Jasmine Connolly, the bridal designer.’ Dear God, had Jaz put him on the booking information? he thought in panic as the guard took out his intercom device and called the front desk.
The guard spoke to someone at Reception and then put his device back on his belt, his expression now as nice as pie. ‘Nice to meet you, Mr Ravensdale,’ he said. ‘Enjoy your stay. Oh, and by the way...’ He put on a big, cheesy grin. ‘Congratulations.’
* * *
Jake went back to the suite with his whole body coiled as tight as a spring. He pushed open the door to see Jaz getting ready for bed. ‘Where the bloody hell have you been?’ he said. ‘I’ve been scouring the hotel from top to bottom for the last hour looking for you.’
‘I went down to check on my dress before the room was locked.’
‘Did you not think to leave a note or a send me a text?’
A spark of defiance shone in her grey-blue gaze as it collided with his. ‘I assumed you were finished with me for the evening. You told me not to wait up.’
Jake smothered a filthy curse under his breath. ‘Do you have any idea of how damned worried I was?’
She looked at him blankly. ‘Why would you be worried?’
He pushed his hand back through his hair. ‘I was worried, that’s all.’
She came over to him to lay a hand on his arm. Her soft fingers warmed his flesh, making every one of his taut muscles unwind and others south of the border tighten. ‘Are you okay?’
Was he okay? No. He felt like he would never be okay again. Ever. His head was pounding with the mother of all headaches. His heart rate felt like someone had given him an overdose of adrenalin. Two overdoses. His legs were shaking. His guts had turned to gravy. ‘I’m fine.’ Even to his own ears he knew he sounded unnecessarily curt.
‘You don’t sound it,’ Jaz said, frowning at him in concern. ‘Are you unwell? Have you caught food poisoning or something? You look so pale and sweaty and—’
‘I almost got myself arrested.’
Her eyes rounded. ‘What on earth for?’
‘Long story.’
‘Tell me what happened, Jake,’ she said. ‘I need to know, since we’re here at this expo together, because it could reflect badly on me.’
Should he tell her it all or just a cut-down version? ‘I panicked when you weren’t in the suite. I didn’t know where you’d gone.’
She began to stroke his arm, her eyes as clear, still and lustrous as a mountain tarn as she looked into his. ‘Were you worried I wasn’t coming back?’
His hands came down on her shoulders in a grip that was unapologetically possessive. ‘I was out of my mind with worry,’ he said. ‘I tried to check the display room but the security guard gave me a hard time. And then he found me coming out of the ladies’ toilets—’
Her brow puckered. ‘Why’d you go in there?’
Jake swallowed. ‘I was worried someone might have cornered you in there and...’ He couldn’t even say what he’d thought. It was too sickening to be vocalised.
Her eyes softened. ‘Oh, you big goose,’ she said. ‘I’m a big girl now. I can fend for myself, but thanks anyway.’
He brought her closer so her hips were against his, watching the way her tongue came out to moisten her lips; it made every one of those muscles in his groin go rock-hard. ‘I swear to God I’ve aged a decade in the last hour.’
‘Doesn’t feel like it to me.’
He pressed her even closer. ‘I want you.’
A little light danced like a sprite in her gaze. ‘Again?’
He walked her backwards toward the bed, thigh to thigh, hip to hip, need to need. ‘How much sleep do you need?’ he said as he nibbled at her mouth, their breaths intermingling.
‘Seven hours—five in an emergency—otherwise I get ratty.’
Jake helped her out of her clothes with more haste than finesse. ‘I can handle ratty.’
She gave a tinkling laugh. ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’
He put his mouth on her naked breast, drawing her tight nipple into his mouth. It was music to his ears to hear her breathless moan of pleasure. It made his blood pump all the more frantically. He pushed her gently down on the bed, shoving pillows, petals and clothes out of the way as he came down beside her. He wanted to go slow but his earlier panic did something to his self-control. He needed to be inside her. He needed to be fused with her, to have her writhing and shuddering as he took her to paradise. He needed to quell this feverish madness racing in his blood. Her body gripped him like a fist as he surged into her velvet heat. The ripples of her inner core massaged him inexorably closer to a mind-blowing lift-off. He held on only long enough to make sure she was with him all the way. When she came around him he gave a part-growl, part-groan as he lost himself to physical bliss...
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JAZ WAS TRYING not to show how nervous she was the next morning but Jake must have sensed it because he kept looking at her with a watchful gaze. She picked at the breakfast he had had delivered to their suite but barely any made it to her mouth.
‘At least have a glass of juice,’ he said, pushing a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice towards her.
‘I think I’m going to be sick.’
He took her hand from across the table and gave it an encouraging squeeze. ‘Sweetheart, you’re going to knock them for six down there.’
She bit down on her lip, panic and nerves clawing at her insides like razor blades whirled in a blender. ‘Who am I fooling? I’m just a gardener’s daughter from the wrong side of the tracks. What am I doing here pretending I’m a high street designer?’
‘Imposter syndrome,’ Jake said, leisurely pouring a cup of brewed coffee. ‘That’s what all this fuss is about. You don’t believe in yourself. You think you’ve fluked it, that someone is going to come up behind you and tap you on the shoulder and tell you to get the hell out of here because you’re not up to standard.’
That was exactly what Jaz was thinking. She had been thinking it most of her life. Being abandoned by her mother had always made her feel as if she wasn’t good enough. She tried so hard to be the best she could be so people wouldn’t leave her. But invariably they eventually did. Three times she had got engaged and each time it had ended. Her fiancés had ended it, not her. She was ashamed to admit she might well have married each and every one of them if they hadn’t pulled the plug first. She was so terrified of failing, she over-controlled everything: her work, her relationships, her life. Her business was breaking even...just. But she’d had a lot of help. If it hadn’t been for Jake’s parents, she might never have got to where she was.
How long could she go on doing everything herself? She was constantly juggling. Sometimes she felt like a circus clown on stilts with twenty plates in the air. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d taken a holiday. She took her work everywhere. She had Holly’s dress with her in case there was a spare minute to work on the embroidery. She hadn’t had a chance to draw a single sketch for Miranda. How long could she go on like that? Something had to give. She was going to get an ulcer at this rate. Maybe she already had one.
‘You’re right,’ she said on a sigh. ‘Every time I get myself to a certain place, I make myself sick worrying it’s going to be ripped out from under me.’
‘That’s perfectly understandable given what happened with your mother.’
Jaz lowered her gaze as she smoothed out a tiny crease in the tablecloth. ‘For years I waited for her to come back. I used to watch from the window whenever a car came up the drive. I would get all excited thinking she was coming back, that she had got herself sorted out and was coming back to take me to the new life she’d always promised me. But it never happened. I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t even know if she’s still alive.’
Jake covered her hand with the warm solidness of his. ‘You’ve made your own new life all by yourself. You didn’t need her to come back and screw it up.’
‘Not all by myself,’ Jaz said. ‘I’m not sure where I’d be if it hadn’t been for your parents.’ She waited a beat before adding, ‘Do you think you could have a look over my books some time? I’m happy to pay you.’
‘Sure, but you don’t have to pay me.’
‘I insist,’ Jaz said. ‘Your family has helped me enough. I don’t want to be seen as a charity case.’
Jake lightly buttered some toast and handed it to her. ‘One mouthful. It’ll help to settle your stomach.’
Jaz took the toast and bit, chewed and swallowed but it felt like she was swallowing a cotton ball. ‘Do you have it?’
‘Have what?’
‘Imposter syndrome?’
He smiled crookedly, as if the thought was highly amusing. ‘No.’
‘I suppose it was a silly question,’ she conceded. ‘Mr Confidence in all situations and with all people.’
A shadow passed over his features like a hand moving across a beam of light. ‘There have been times when I’ve doubted myself.’
‘Like when?’
‘At boarding school, especially in my senior year,’ he said, frowning slightly as he stirred his coffee. ‘I played the class clown card so often I lost sight of who I really was. It wasn’t until I left school and went to university that I finally found my feet and became my own person instead of being Julius’s badly behaved twin brother.’
Jaz had always seen Jake as a supremely confident person. He seemed to waltz through life with nary a care of what others thought of him. She was the total opposite. Her desperate desire to fit in had made her compromise herself more times than she cared to admit. Weren’t her three engagements proof of that? She had wanted to be normal. To belong to someone. To be wanted. ‘I guess it must be hard, being an identical twin and all,’ she said. ‘Everyone is always making comparisons between you and Julius.’