Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

LXXV.

CUPID ON A RAID

It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid iz for one ov hiz heft.

He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill bumbelbees at four paces.

This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov.

I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover, at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself.

He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made.

I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz:

☛ Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the garden.

☛ Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent her.

☛ John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling on Angeline Brown's forehead.

☛ Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the counter.

☛ Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause – Dick Fenton's No. 7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire.

☛ Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate pensil.

☛ Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery.

☛ Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor, lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at Widow Stebbins's.

☛ Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded, the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only worth 75 thousand.

☛ Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange stripe in it.

☛ Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times, and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter.

☛ Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle.

☛ Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver. This squeeze took place last Friday.

☛ Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her cuzzin Tildy.

☛ Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a crowd, from an opera glass.

LXXVI.

JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS

Dear Joe – Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you.

By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago. Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy. Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are like the feathers on a blue-jay – pick oph the feathers, and thare aint nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl gone.

Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any tail.

Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon.

But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be rousted up tew often.

Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected.

I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land.

Jeremiah.– Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and shook up by the wind and the storm.

When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team.

Wisdum, being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms, and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together handy az a pair ov twin oxen.

If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for wisdum iz alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while learning must hav just sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew do it.

Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning iz a pigmy, whoze knowledge makes him feared.

But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them.

Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy.

Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov tallent.

But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew phool with. We had better spend our loose moments in finding out the best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to.

P.S. – I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch learning in the world as thare iz wisdum.

And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch, just as he may have a grate deal ov strength, and not know the best holts.

LXXVII.

JAW BONES

Genius iz like a hop vine; it will run, and spread, enny how, and hav a whole lot ov wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.

Precept iz a buck saw —experience the elbo grease that runs the cussid instrument.

Don't talk tew much, Jessie; one half the wisdum ov this world consists in not saying ennything.

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize; it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and then tutching them oph.

Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.

LXXVIII.

MORE PHILOSOPHY

Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like the meazles – if they have it they hav it aul over.

A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz generally a rogue.

What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell. It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as the germs ov fraud.

If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil.

If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught.

Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to.

Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the eazier.

Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud.

But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness.

These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the roads with the lettering aul washed oph – wooden prophets, wus than no news.

Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as glorious as it is skase.

But experience, without doubt, is the boss skool-master ov wurdly wisdum. He is the one who taught Adam and his wife their fust lesson, and he haint never bin out ov a job since. His skool keeps aul day Saturday, and Sundays too, and has but one vakation in it, and that is when aul hands are asleep.

But say what yu will, wisdum is a rare bird ennyhow. Thare is lots ov folks that kan show yu the mule that kicked them last, but it takes one ov yure klassikal skollars, one ov yure blooded wisdumers, tew point out the mule that iz a going tew kick next.

Buy wisdum, mi friends, whenever it is in market, for she is a harp ov 1200 strings.

The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.

He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night.

He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions.

He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub – a kitten in pantylets – a sick monkey with a blonde mustash.

He is a vine without enny tendrills – a fly drowned in sweet ile – a paper kite in a ded calm.

He lives as the butterflise do – noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without enny button-hole.

He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's grasshopper.

He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.

He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground.