Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

LXIX.

PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF SHELL

I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the consarn at onst.

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is a boring in the rong plase.

Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them your shame.

Philosophers are like graveyards – they take all things just as they come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff.

Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time – this is one ov the differences between learning and wisdom.

Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for the purpose ov going thare – it is sum so with advise; men should ask for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the purpose ov strengthening their own plans.

I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory – I can recolleckt distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare, to save mi life.

There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate tew criticise the song ov a bird.

Hogs hav an excellent ear for music – but it takes a dog tew pitch the tune.

I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn – alwus reddy, but didn't know exactly which way to pitch.

Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled: – they are like twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped.

Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can write good nonsense – and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate it after it is writ.

LXX.

JOSH EPISTOLATES

Neptune.– I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what wit and humor is.

It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav them prove tew be a cluss match.

Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber.

I don't serpose thare would be enny grate quantity ov wit in yure telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as frail, and as thorny, too.

Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits.

Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit, but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pass for ideas.

Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in the joke.

Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the skull tew talk mutch about them.

Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better than they can pictur out.

Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am, but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market, and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the most.

Philo.– I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way tew git the booby out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself, than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds, who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging, are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that.

The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke to go in aul harness.

I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness.

I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent amusement enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing else.

Plutark.– "Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits old, he won't depart from it."

This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it.

I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism, half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common sense is.

When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up out ov creed and ironclad noshons.

As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above their piety, as ennybody i kno ov.

As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them up by rule.

Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting time, tew know when and what tew plant.

One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as difficult as wild oats.

I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a child has got the less fiddling is necessary.

If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising ennyhow.

If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them, and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters will climb.

LXXI.

AULMINAK FOR 1869

March begins on Saturday, and hangs on for 31 days.

Saturday, 1st.– Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers; munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574; eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero; snow, mixed with wind.

Sunday, 2nd.– Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs eazier.

Monday, 3rd.– Big wind; omnibus, with 17 passengers inside, blown over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on buttons; about these days look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286; strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their appearance; sun sets in wind.

Tuesday, 4th.– Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide; grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy.

Wensday, 5th.– A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts; William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines the mormons.

Thursday, 6th.– Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east; the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sass; babes in the woods born 1600; wind threatens.

Friday, 7th.– Fred Douglass nominated for president by the demokrats; black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Nassau street; a man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance; horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about equally mixt.

Saturday, 8th.– Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered, but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians, may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug corroborates Pug, provided, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so, the most consumit skill ov the profeshion will be requisite to restore a secondary unity." Later – "The horce has been turned out tew grass."

Sunday, 9th.– This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively, bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the city; millions are flocking out to see it.

Monday, 10th.– A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for 700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half shell 1342, by Don Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west.

Tuesday, 11th.– Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind; counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them; milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits.

9:30 P.M. – Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning rooster.

Wednesday, 12th.– Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov dandylions and grass; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.)

Thursday. 13th.– Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind; no cards; no nothing.

Friday, 14th.– Wendal Phillips tares up the constitushun ov the United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries, watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero.

Saturday, 15th.– Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house – 3 dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in; robbins cum, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys.

Sunday, 16th.– Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head.

Monday, 17th.– Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they will be sure tew cum up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a destitute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks cum out ov their holes and begin tew chuck a little.

Tuesday, 18th.– Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rushion purchiss; miners rushing that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy.

Wensday, 19th.– A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy; the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day, beside several cackels.

Thursday, 20th.– Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey; frogs hold their fust concert – Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor – matinee every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs); a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States buys the iland ov Great Brittain.

LXXII.

SUM NATRAL HISTORY

"The Clam." – The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss with him.

The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the monthly* * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for the New York daily* * * * *.

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.

Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff, – sum are good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing besides.

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.

"The Crab." – Natur is fond ov a joke.

She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.

They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.

LXXIII.

MONOGRAFFS

Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys and abuses, az askin questions.

I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze enny flesh.

Theze kind are like 2 inch augers – espeshilly ordained.

They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then awl reddy to begin agin.

They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing, if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full.

The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz drouth.

They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze.

Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund.

Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout.

It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born.

I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun.

Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days.

If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing.

Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round.

But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one naturally.

I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right tew live and be lazy than a snake haz.

In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz to die.

I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run.

It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach perfekshun with fust rate skill.

Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it.

I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but onst a week.

Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a pleasant tune upon it.

The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side.

Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys.

Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the fault-finding man.

One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean.

These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they lie about it.

I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg.

Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery.

Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the rest of his boddy.

They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked.

LXXIV.

JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE

"Bushrod." – I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az follers:

If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains, stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always.

A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast.

If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk.

"Deacon."' – Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher.

They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions.

Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz level, and duz bizz square, after dark.

Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a good bizzness.

The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare.

I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me; I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust.

Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one ov theze.

I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare iz enny to spare,) give me the lively.

"Molly." – Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt, it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without sum kind of a dress on – i mean street dress.

They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az tight.

Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb.

Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs.