Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things

XXXVI.

DEAD BEATS

No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once.

If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice.

Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny actual sin in a 2.40 gate.

"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will."

If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never drinks enny himself.

Wits are like hornets, – they hav but few intimates.

Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking ways;

Ragmen for their light weighs;

Dairymaids for their sweet wheys;

Boston for her byways.

Courting, – home on a furlough.

I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i generly let him went.

Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying for money no better than stealing it.

I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by simply jineing a temprance sosiety.

A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his hole.

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

Monuments are poor investments – the bad don't deserve them, and the good don't need them.

Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv enny man a cent that didn't belong to them.

I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as they would hav others do unto them.

Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that.

Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it was born, and that is – the fun of the thing.

The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks.

It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick it over – nor any other man.

XXXVII.

SPRING – MAY, 1868

Spring has cum.

She has bin on the road about a month.

I am glad she has cum, on account ov the grass.

The grass waz beginning tew get oneasy about it.

I hope the cows will eat sum grass forthwithly, so as tew lower down the price ov butter.

Butter has got tew be sassy. 55 cents a pound! Who in thunder ever seed butter so high before?

A feller has got tew go up garret now, tew spread his bread, and then stand on tip-tose tew eat it.

Evrything is hi now!

Dandelion greens has riz; i bought a bushel yesterday, and pade 4 dollars fur it. i wanted a mess, and mi wife sed it was jist like me, bought 6 times tew mutch. i told her tew dry what she didn't want tew bile: they would go good next winter on bukwheat slap-jacks.

She stuk up her nose and slammed the door; but she loves me for aul that, better than enny other woman dus.

As i sed before, spring has cum.

Mi hart begins tew kick up her heels, and i feel a limberness in my soul; i think i must be thawin out.

I hav a nateral gift for spring melankolly.

I luv tew hear a robin sing; it is as sweet as sadness.

I luv tew prokure a violet as soon as i can, each year; there is such a mild impediment in their butiful fases; thay put me in mind ov an orfan child, that has strayed oph into a dell and sot down tew cri.

As i sed before, i am glad spring has cum, on akount ov the new bunnets.

And altho butter and dandelion greens are condem hi, my wife ses spring bunnits is real cheep, (and she knos,) she can get a decent one fur 48 dollars, without enny trimmins.

I am real glad that one ov the necessaries ov life ain't onreasonable.

Potatose and korn beef and ri flour and other luxuries is hi, and i don't kno, fackt, but they ought tew be. If folks will hanker after sich things, let them pay for them.

I am satisfied – Spring has cum, and bunnits are dog reasonable.

XXXVIII.

HARTES

Sum hartes is trumps.

The little child's harte has a host ov shaddery things in it, fairy ghostesses, in the distanse, without mutch form, – in the fore-ground, tops, and marbles, rag dolls, and sweet whissels; christmas, with the little old esquire in his tights, and frisky span, loaded with wares for a baby market; dreams without enny meaning, little jelosys, little hopes and curious fears, – strange invoice, but life's capital, in which sleep giants and pigmys, happiness and misery.

Life's capital! which can't be increased, but which may aul be lost.

The little child's harte! look down into it, it is like the vault ov a wild-flower; apparently tenantless but full ov little sekrets, sekrets – unknown tew itself, – sekrets worth knowing, – life's capital.

Sweet little vault whare God has locked up creation's destiny.

XXXIX.

MONOGRAFFS

The happy man iz alwus marrid or expekts tew be.

He don't beleaf in ghosts or ghostesses, nor raleroad acksidence before they occur.

He lives upon milk, and pays az he goes.

He luvs evry boddy, and but fu luv him.

He laffs when he gits wet, and only takes pills tew pleaze other folks.

Like the birds, he waz born happy, and like them he seems tew enjoy it.

The world calls him almost a phool, but his happy ness iz worth more, and cost less than wisdum.

But i consider happiness the easiest tew manage when thare aint much ov it.

Our wretched wants, though they are what makes a man more than a brute, are just what reduces our happyness by expanding it.

Evryboddy kan tell his nabor tew be contented with what he haz got, (this is good news,) but noboddy but a phool can foller it.

Phools are alwus happy, but alas! they don't know it.

Still, thare aint no arithmetic for happiness – a man has to be measured for hiz happiness just az he duz for hiz boots, and then he aint sure but what they will pinch somewhare.

Buty iz one ov them kind ov conquests that don't last long.

It is a kind ov raid, which surprises, but kant hold the territory which it invades.

It is a kind ov meteorick rain, which people may set up a night or two to watch for, but failing tew see it a grate deal, may conclude that it aint much ov a shower after awl.

Handsum men are skase, and it is good that they are, for there is but very little power in man buty, and thare iz more vanity in one handsum man, than thare iz in two droves ov peacocks' tails.

Buty iz another name for effeminacy.

Pretty wimmin are plenty, and i am glad ov it, for wimmin hav a perfekt right tew be pretty; but very butiful wimmin are unplenty, and i am glad ov that ditto, for the chances is, they would use their buty to gain our adorashun rather than our esteem. After awl, grate buty iz a left-handed kompliment, for most ov the silly i have met with, are thoze who believed they was very butiful.

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.

The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation – the all-spice ov the world.

One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch at a distrikt skool – he sets evry boddy scratching a onst.

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home! sweet home!" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar – he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.

He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.

The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the spot he is looking at.

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.

He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.

The nervous man is the original harp ov one thousand strings.

He is a fiddle, past finding out.

The tread ov an elephant don't skare him, but he wilteth when the mouse nibbles in the wainscot.

He turneth pale at the coming ov the spider.

He laffeth when the whirlwind is on a bender, but shuddereth when the striped snaik walks out for an airing.

He gazeth at the red lightning with joy, when it gasheth the heavens; but the scales ov his back lift up in horrer when old Baxter files up his wood-saw.

The nervous man is a very singular critter – he might more properly be called a plural critter.

My advice tew the nervous man is tew drink milk for a living, and for excitement chaw spruce gum.

XL.

JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY

Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon everything but the point at "issoo."

J. Billings, Esqr.:

I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms.

Smith, mi Dear:

This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much capital.

Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss.

The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest.

Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the injun boss.

The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook.

This is the grist ov the story.

Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file.

Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give you a knolledge ov edukashun.

I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness.

But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz in him the next day, for sum more.

John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty.

Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable things that could happen tew a man?

A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats awl these just as easy as biting crackers.

Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied.

One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny more deader.

I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man.

Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he got tew try again?

History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his suckcess.

Adew, Ezra,

XLI.

ORPHAN CHILDREN

Notoriety is the short glory a man gits, for doin what he ought to be ashamed ov.

God only knows how much merit wanders thro this life, sekurely hid bi rays ov poverty; nor how much crime insolently wears the golden armor ov wealth.

I think thare is jest as much virtue in the world as thare is vise, only it haint been bored for so mutch.

A grate menny ov opinyuns, advanced bi the uncommon learned men now-a-days, may be properly defined as dissolving views.

It is strange, and it is melankolly true, that those men who spend their time and talents in makin us happier, never gain mutch ov our respekt.

Thare is a grate menny people who kno jist enuff tew make a smudge, but don't kno jist enuff tew clear it away.

I don't know ov a more keen sarcasm, than a learned man listening attentively tew a fool.

The grate merit thare is in modesty, lies in the modesty thare is in merit.

Thare is 2 kinds ov hypokrasy: one tries tew appear better than it is, and the other wuss than it is – one is a wolf in sheep's clothin, and tother is a sheep in wolf's clothing.

The hight an depth ov human wisdum, is tew kno oneself; but the human heart kan never be known, only by the God who made it.

I never hear a robin on the hiest lim he kan git, pouring out his evening praise, but I am certain, that someboddy in Heaven is listenin.

About the most originality that enny writer kan hope tew arrive at honestly, now-a-days, is tew steal with good judgment.

I was once asked bi a talkin cuss, "which i thought was really the mostess happyness, the married or the single?" i sed tew him that in many cases it was like trieing tew winter on injun meal or buckwheat flour; before he had got half way thru, he would wish he had tried the other. i don't kno whether he took my advise or not.

In a match game (where both parties are marryin for money) aul side bets are konsidered off – George Wilkes told me so.

Poetry is as natral a disease tew the human family, as the winde kolick, and in most cases what will cure one, will cure the other.

How menny people thare are in this world who spend aul their lives in a hole, and always back into that.

The best way tew keep a secret, is tew forget it.

I never knew a coward who was afraid tew lie.

It is a curius fact that most everyboddy komplains ov their misfortunes, and yet, thare ain't ennyboddy who has got the itch, or salt rume bad, but what thinks his kind ov itch is a better kind than his nabor's.

Kompliments are like the frosting put on the top ov a cake, only intended for ornament.

If a man has got 375 thousand dollars, and is contented, he is happy – "jess so."

I don't serpose thare is enny sich thing as "time," – time is a mere parasite ov Eternity.

XLII.

BILLINGS REPLIZE TEU CORRESPONDENTS

"Mary Ann." – Your letter wuz duly received. I hasten teu reply. Waterfalls are a ketching disseaze, but not fatal. They fust appear on the back ov the hed, about the size ov a small geese's eggs, and gro az big az a wasp's nest, and then they are ripe. They are kep in a pudding bag, and fatted on black hoss hair. It is not considered enny misfortune teu have this dizzease, unlest yu hav it small. If yu hav escaped the dizzease thus far, I wouldn't contract it now; for thare will be a new one ov some kind around in a fu days, that yu may like better. In the mean time prepare yourself for the worst, for the Lord only knows what will come next.

"Harrold." – It will be impossible for me to give you a never-failing recipee, how tew secure the affekshunes ov the opposite sex. – Grate perseverance iz necessary, az yu are aware that young ladiz are highly opposed to the married state. They are like their mothers in this respeck. I would advise yu tew read the "Pilgrim's Progress." It will sustane yu under yure trials. If yu kan spare enny time, i would advise yu tew be very polite tew the young ladiz mother; thare iz nothing more powerful; it is an evidence ov more good breeding, and it carrys the mother kind ov back to the days when she had to suffer in the same cruel way. After fighting the good fight for 6 or 7 years, you diskiver that yure sweetheart is tew be married to another feller; you will ov course secure an invitashun to the affair as pall bearer. This will pay you fur the menny trieing seens you hav passed thru, and will also fit yu fur the next deadly struggle. But if yu succeed in getting the objeckt ov your affecshun; yu wil ov course be the only happy man in the world; this iz the way it alwus effeckts folks.

"Unkle David." – Got yure letter thru the intercession ov the post office. Glad tew hear from you. Sorry tew hear that Aunt Sally has got the biles: tell her to poultice them well – and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Cousin Heber haz failed in bizziness; tell him tew play smart – and trust in the Lord. Glad tew hear that Joe Osborne haz drawn a prize in the lottery; tell him tew try it again – and trust in the Lord. Sorry tew hear that Uncle Peter sold hiz corn for only 2 dollars a bushel; tell him tew hang onto it next time – and trust in the Lord.

"Petroleum." – I hav looked into the ile boring with grate anxiety, and have satisfied miself that it is a good bore. If you git enny thing in this world worth having, you have tew bore for it without mercy. Az a general thing, the bigger the augur iz, the bigger the hole, unless you bore into a mill pond. Menny people are satisfied in doing a gimblet bizziness, and this shows good judgment. Yu never see a smart and well to do squirrel that wants tew reside in a woodchuck's hole. Animals are more sensible than humans; they don't bild a house they kant fill. I am not at liberty tew tell yu what i dew think about iles giving out, but i advise yu to bore at onst and keep at it, and if you don't strike grease, you will have the satisfaction ov knowing that yu hav made a hole. I am not half so anxious tew kno how much ile men are a gitting, az i am tew kno that everybody iz a boring. Mi advise has alwus bin, don't bore for enny ile – "stock."

XLIII.

CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OV WISDUM

Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter.

I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov being a philosopher.

The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt.

Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant run fast enuff to suit them. – It is sum so with the human critters.

Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov.

Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it.

Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all.

Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness.

Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to keep hiz hand in.

Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double track ralerode.

We should make virtue our master, not our servant.

Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you, – better, a good deal, be a little sassy.

Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it.

Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to hide.

Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent reccollection.

"Early impreshuns are the most lasting" – the fust kiss, and the fust licking, cum under this hed.

Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew.

I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun.

Good wit iz sumthing like good luck, – the more soon and unexpekted it iz, the better.

XLIV.

ESSA ON SWINE

Hogs generally are quadriped.

The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.

There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.