Hidden Springs in Marriage

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Introduction

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Cupid’s out there firing arrows every which way,

Sparking wild passion wherever they land…

But only Hymen ties it all together,

For the long haul…

That’s just how it goes, folks…

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This book is laid out like a ‘boot camp’ for anyone curious about the psychology of marriage and the wild world of gender relationships.

The point? To systematically lay bare the hidden mechanisms that decide how all this romantic business actually plays out.

These pages should be useful for anyone who isn’t off living like a monk or calling it quits on love entirely.

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Chapter Introduction

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– Hey girl, hey! Can you tell me how to get to the library?

– I'm about to whaaaaack you real good, then I'll tell you how to crawl to the hospital, you damn nerd! The crisis is still raging out there, regular folks barely have anything to eat, and this jerk wants to read his precious books!

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How did this book come to be?

The Author was seriously inspired by the 2005 flick 'Hitch,' starring Will Smith. The movie tells the story of a private psychologist who specializes in getting his clients married off. Most of his clients are classic outsiders.3

Front and center, we've got Hitch coaching Albert, a low-level clerk, on how to win the heart—and hand—of Allegra, a millionaire.

In the real world, this marriage probably never would've happened, but with Hitch playing matchmaker, it all works out beautifully for both lovebirds.

The movie doesn't really spell out the nitty-gritty of how Hitch pulls off his magic in this or other cases. Only a few of the practical headaches Hitch runs into with his clients actually make it onto the screen.

Which totally makes sense—no one wants to give away their trade secrets and help the competition! And honestly, can a pro really explain things to a newbie, even if they try? Still, the movie makes it clear Hitch is working off some kind of system—and there’s even a wink that it all started with his dissertation.

The author of this book was bugged for ages by the secret behind Hitch’s method.

Little by little, he pieced together enough clues to hazard a guess at how Hitch actually pulled off his magic. Of course, the author’s theories could be a bit off or even totally wrong. Plus, when it comes to figuring out the quirks of marriage and how to fix them, the author and Hitch probably saw things very differently.

Even so, the author decided to lay it all out in a separate book and share his two cents on the subject.

This book is here to give anyone curious about marriage a pretty solid roadmap for how it actually works and what it’s all about.

Having that kind of blueprint—and actually getting it—means you can plot your own moves depending on what’s going on and what you really want. It also helps you set the right, long-term goals and sidestep those unnecessary wipeouts in your love life.

Some readers might think what’s described here is simple and obvious—no rocket science. That’s usually what happens when an Author tries to get their point across with plain talk and relatable examples.

But the real magic of these 'simple' ideas isn’t just that they’re easy and accessible—it’s the whole framework the Author is trying to put together from them.

Think of boxing: it’s made up of basic moves and punches, but it’s the training system that turns a boxer into something a cut above your average street tough.

Throughout this book, the Author will often draw on humanity’s centuries-old experience and wisdom—the stuff people these days love to call ‘esoteric’. That’s because the kinds of questions we explore in this book often cozy up right next to psychology. Psychology, as the name suggests, is all about the soul—not just a self-driving sack of soup bones. And sometimes, to really explain it, you need to take a peek from the angle of classic soul wisdom, not just stick to modern science.4

The Author isn’t pretending to be some all-knowing genius or a prophet in this field. He’s totally open to learning from anyone who’s got a sharper take on things than his own. He’s just trying to build some kind of halfway decent system in a field where nobody’s really managed it yet.

There are two ways to read this book.

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You could dive into the Author’s wild theories at the start of every Chapter. So, what’s this armchair philosopher come up with this time?

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If you actually want to get something useful out of this book, you can try the ‘simple’ and ‘easy’ exercises at the end of each Chapter. Piece of cake! But if you’re really aiming for something worthwhile, do it your own way—don’t just follow in the Author’s footsteps!

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How you pick what to read next—that’s totally your call.

The Author is convinced that theory should always walk hand in hand with practice. That’s why every Chapter comes with some exercises and questions for you to chew on yourself. Skip this part, and reading the book won’t make much sense.

Let’s be real: no wannabe kung-fu theorist ever became a champion in the wild cage match called life without practice and some good old-fashioned effort.

The exercises and questions in this book might seem pretty basic and straightforward at first. The point is for you, the reader, to answer these and, using your own answers and personal insights, gradually work your way up from the basics to the really tricky stuff.

If you skip building this personal understanding—by dodging the easy questions and convincing yourself you’re already an expert—you’ll just stay stuck where you are. Chances are, you'll wind up right back in the same situation and spot as before. When you’re in deep water, saving yourself is up to you! Everything else usually comes with a steep price tag!

Wishing you the best of luck with this book, dear reader!

Now then, as usual:

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Part Practice questions:

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'Get out of your comfort zone,' they said. 'Take a step towards your destiny.' And then—whoosh!—they threw me out of the plane…6

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Grab yourself a big, comfy journal and some colorful pens to take notes. Don’t rush—pick them out slowly, until you just know you’ve found 'the one.'

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Check out the movie 'The Rules of Pickup.'

Hitch Method

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Jot down in your journal the key moments when Albert and Allegra’s whole marriage future was hanging in the balance.

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Make a note in your journal—what exactly was Hitch trying to get Albert to do?

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Write down (here and from now on, by default, in your journal) where Albert goofed up and why.

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Take a wild guess: what did Albert and Allegra actually give each other? Why could their relationship turn out to be win-win and rock-solid?

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So, what do you think Hitch’s clients—those quick cameo couples in the movie—could actually bring to the table for each other?

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In your opinion, what set off all the drama between Hitch and Sara?

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Chapter Consciousness

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Flashback to shop class:

– Vovochka, you made a birdhouse with no holes. How’s a bird supposed to get in there?

– Easy—there’s already one inside!

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Alrighty, let’s dive in.

You know the drill—just about every problem we humans face, including all the marriage and romance stuff, starts right between our ears. But your head’s not just hardware—it’s the software that really counts. It doesn't really matter where or how someone's noggin showed up, it’s all about what’s inside.

Of course, we’re not about to wander off into the weeds with racist theories or developmental pathologies. There’s a sliver of truth in those, sure, but right now we’re after the big picture.

So what is human consciousness, anyway?

Let’s break it down with a simple example—one we've all probably lived through.

Picture this: someone suddenly gets sleepy. What do they do next? That's right – he yawns! On the face of it, it all makes sense. But here's the kicker: if there are other people around, they see that yawn, and, more often than not, they start yawning too.

Why does that happen? Sure, it adds up if one person yawns because they're sleepy – but why do the others join in? They don't want to sleep! So does that mean yawning and wanting to sleep aren't connected? Or are they? But by all logic – they're not connected!

But in this case, logic’s got nothing to do with it.

What we’re looking at here is a classic example of one of those good old reflexes cooked up by evolution. Actually, make that a bunch of different reflexes.

Check out this picture.

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The chicks in the nest are screaming for food.8

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Take a look at their eyes. Their eyes are closed or just barely open, and right now, those little guys are half-asleep, not seeing much of anything around them. But their beaks? Wide open—they’re loudly demanding a snack from mom and dad. If you don’t ask and don’t open your mouth, you don’t get fed.

It’s super important that when one of the chicks spots a parent swooping in, the others open their mouths on cue, too—otherwise, no grub for them. These complicated chains of actions that the chicks pull off are called a group action algorithm—or a program—in coding, but over in biology, they call it a reflex or an instinct. Even chicks who’ve just popped out of the egg, still groggy and squinting at the world, go through these motions like it’s second nature. They've known these playbooks since day one!

So, what happens if a chick doesn't have that reflex, or it just breaks down? Well, then the poor thing just skips feedings from its folks, gets weaker and hungrier, and most likely ends up starving to death.

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Yep, that's exactly why these and similar reflexes are called innate survival reflexes. It's like they're hardwired into the subconscious on the genetic level.9

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So, why am I telling you all this? The whole 'yawning is contagious' thing in people? That's basically a leftover echo of the built-in bird reflex—a chick's way of begging for food.

This reflex, after surviving millions of years of evolution, basically jumped ship from birds to humans. And here’s the kicker: almost nobody knows what happens next. If someone starts yawning but then eats, drinks, or just stuffs something hefty into their mouth, the yawning will pack up and leave.

Yawning when you’re ready to hit the hay? That’s just another echo of a built-in bird reflex. Feeling sleepy? Ask for a snack, chow down, and then crash out as long as you want while your stomach does its thing.

When a baby bird dozes off, its plump little body gets busy growing. But hit the hay on an empty stomach, and you might end up weak—or not make it at all.

Now, if you try to see yawning in humans through the lens of these inherited reflexes, suddenly it all falls into place.

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Survival reflexes are the real MVP in the life of any living creature—without them, the odds of keeping the species going drop like a rock. That’s why these reflexes are baked in from birth, wired not just at the genetic level, but at the species and even cross-species level.

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Whether you believe it or not, even modern 'classical' science admits these algorithms are real.

These algorithms have all kinds of names: reflexes, instincts, species behavior—doesn’t matter—because it all boils down to built-in reflexes doing their thing, often way below the radar of our conscious mind.

Let’s take a look at a few examples of inborn reflexes (instincts) that help us make it through life.

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Breathing reflex. Ever wonder how babies just instinctively know how to breathe—and do it on autopilot? Physiologically, it’s actually a pretty complex gig, with all sorts of muscles and ligaments pitching in.

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The reflex that syncs up your heartbeat and your breathing. The faster or slower a heart beats, the faster or slower a living creature breathes. Usually, this whole process runs in the background, no conscious input needed.

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The breath-holding reflex when you plunge underwater headfirst.

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The reflex to latch onto mom’s breast and start sucking. Every newborn mammal is born knowing how to nurse. Where does that trick come from? Maybe it's all thanks to good old natural selection: those who didn’t figure it out just didn’t make it and didn’t leave any little ones behind.

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The swallowing reflex. Seems pretty primitive, sure—but without it, none of us would even be here.

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The reflex that lets us empty our bowels and bladder. The smooth muscles in your gut work in waves, moving stuff along just when and where it’s needed.

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Goosebumps—you know, the way birds puff up their feathers to stay cozy. Makes you wonder—does some kind of interspecies reflex like that exist?

Because, hey, humans have it too.

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The classic instinct to stick close to Mom. Which, honestly, is just babies being scared of being left alone.

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The instinctive fear of heights—it’s evolution’s way of keeping us alive.

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And then there’s the deep-seated dread of spiders and snakes. The ones who weren't scared usually wound up dead. These tiny, not-so-mobile critters often pose a threat way bigger than their appearance lets on.

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The reflex to yank your hand back when something hurts.

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The classic freezing reflex when danger shows up. It's one of those all-purpose reflexes that helps the small fry survive among predators.

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The reflex of women to scream when danger strikes. That can spook or distract a predator, and also gives the tribe a heads-up.

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Women's fear of mice. No comment.

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The reflex of heating up when you’re sick. When your temperature goes up, most weak germs just can't hack it. That’s why cranking up a fever is your body’s go-to defense move, even if it doesn’t always save the day.

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The reflex that floods you with adrenaline—in a crisis, your adrenal glands kick in and launch a rush of adrenaline, cranking up your mental focus, aggression, muscle power, and your reaction time, so you’re basically in superhero mode for a bit.

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Here’s a list of the most well-known and blatantly obvious built-in reflexes that help us make it in this world.

All these reflexes live in what we call the human subconscious—that zone in your brain where the spotlight of consciousness doesn’t usually reach. Since who-knows-when, these mental programs have been stacking up in there, giving us a little autopilot action when we need it.

The wild part? Newborns already come loaded with these built-in reflexes that help keep them alive, and they don’t even know it. Take a zebra, for instance—a newborn can be up on its feet and tailing mom within half an hour, dodging trouble like a pro. If it didn’t have those reflexes, honestly, it wouldn’t stand a chance.

So, in this whole business, there are a few key things we really need to pay attention to.

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When it comes to humans, you can basically split our minds into two parts: the consciousness and the subconscious. The consciousness is that part of your brain you’ve got the remote for—you can control it, you can see what it’s up to.

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Species Survival Programs, on the other hand, are pretty much factory-installed.

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Species-level programs usually run the show all on their own, without consciousness even getting an invite.

That’s why everyone just calls them the 'subconscious.'

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The subconscious, by the way, is way bigger and deeper than consciousness could ever dream.

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So, imagine your consciousness as an iceberg—most of it’s chilling below the surface in the subconscious, where all the secret codes and life experience are stored.

In the next Chapters, we’ll dig into exactly what’s lurking in the subconscious and how it throws its weight around in marriage and opposite-sex friendships.

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Part Practice Questions

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For folks who haven’t dabbled in magic, the world’s just chock-full of physics laws.

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How did our survival reflexes show up in the first place? What’s the point of them, anyway?

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List the reflexes you know about that help humanity keep on kicking. Write down what could happen if any of these reflexes suddenly went on strike.

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Which of these reflexes do you think are the real MVPs when it comes to survival?

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The Author left out one of the most crucial types of survival reflexes—commonly known as instinct.

What do they call this instinct in people?

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When does the subconscious need to step in? When does it actually flip the switch?

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How come the subconscious is bigger than the consciousness?

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When can the subconscious actually matter less than the conscious mind?

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Chapter "Female" logic

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The guy says to the girl:

"Female logic is basically just hard-core denial of anything guys say."

The girl:

"Oh, stop it, sweetheart! Of course not!"

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SSP on a woman—accessory or ankle bracelet?12

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Let’s dig into how our conscious mind and subconscious actually interact.

So, when exactly do those species-level programs in our subconscious switch on?

It’s pretty simple—they kick in any time survival is on the line, whether it’s about you personally or the whole human race. The main job of these survival programs is to hand us a ready-made behavior algorithm or quick fix for situations where there’s just no time to figure things out from scratch.

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Here are a few classic examples:

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Situations that threaten your life or your health. In moments like these, the Species Survival Programs (SSP) flip on, usually triggered by fear or a rush of adrenaline.

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Scenarios that have to do with reproduction. Like picking a partner or bringing up the kids.

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Situations that involve navigating society. For instance, that classic national 'hospitality' vibe.

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It’s key to remember that Species Survival Programs—SSP for short—are tightly linked to both reproduction and raising kids.

Between the two sexes, it’s women who are most closely tied to this responsibility. If a guy can just walk away, a woman simply doesn't get that luxury. Her kid’s survival—and, let’s be real, the whole human species—literally depends on her.

She can't afford to mess up. And her responsibility is directly tied to whether the species makes it. That’s why she’s way more loaded up with survival programs than any man.

A classic example? The maternal instinct.

Generally, most women will stick by their kid to the very end, no matter how frail or sickly that kid might be. She’s willing to move mountains to save her little one—even if it’s hard, humiliating, or downright dangerous. Sometimes, she keeps fussing over the kid long after it stops being necessary. History is packed with examples of moms pulling every trick in the book to rescue their children.

But sometimes, all that care and effort can go way overboard—and actually end up backfiring on their own kids. Too much hovering and pampering, for instance, can spoil a child rotten or even mess with their head. Kids like this are famous for being 'mama’s boys.'

So how come a woman, just by taking care of her kid, can end up unintentionally messing them up with all that motherly love?

See, the SSP doesn’t actually have any kind of analytical mind or independent thinking. It’s basically a rough-and-ready program hardwired straight into our DNA. It can’t break down every single situation or tailor itself to fit each one. It’s just an abstract little push that bubbles up from the subconscious into our outer psyche.

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That’s why, when a woman’s running on SSP, her actions can look totally illogical—especially to a guy. Sometimes, when SSP switches on, what she does isn’t coming from cool, calculated thinking; it’s bubbling up straight from the subconscious.

All of this is what inspired that unforgettable term, ‘female logic.’

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But, despite how bonkers it might look on the surface, there’s usually a rhyme and reason to her behavior. Still, this logic isn’t about making clever moves like some master tactician trying to win a round in a board game. We're talking more about a smart move that ups the chances for a woman, her kids, or even the whole species to make it through.

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Take the classic plot twist: the so-called 'good' girl ‘loves’ the ‘nice’ guy, but who does she marry? The ‘bad’ boy she doesn’t even really care for. From a guy’s perspective, that might look totally off-the-wall or just plain dumb. Still, even when she’s making a conscious choice, a woman’s subconscious is busy nudging her toward the stronger (in its own mysterious logic) guy—the one who looks like a better ticket for her kids’ survival.14

Women are always caught in an inner tug-of-war between the pressure of the SSP and their own wants and needs.

So, what actually goes down when a woman's SSP battles it out with her personal desires?

There are two possible storylines here.

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If a woman's selfishness is stronger than the pull of the SSP, she'll just do what she wants and look out for number one. But living for her own pleasure like that, she’ll often turn a blind eye to the whole business of species survival and even her own kids’ needs. Women with that level of selfishness are pretty famous, you know—folks usually call them 'divas.' Statistically, ladies like that don’t leave much of a legacy: either they don’t have kids at all, or their kids turn out few and kind of feeble. So, most of the time, that whole behavior algorithm just doesn’t get passed down.

There’s basically no one left to inherit it.

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But if the SSP manages to beat out a woman's own selfishness, then—clunky as the SSP is—it actually ups her odds of survival and boosts the number of kids she ends up with. So, naturally, an SSP like that has a way bigger chance of getting passed down.

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In general, statistically, women who are more likely to yield to the SSP tend to pass it on to their kids more often, since they end up having more babies.

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Part Practice Questions

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Here’s a woman’s unbreakable logic:

I don’t think—I know…

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Go online and find out what 'program execution priority' actually means.