Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life

Dedication

To Stuart, my husband, who has been the most wonderfully supportive partner to have beside me when I needed to pull myself out of a guilt trap, or just to have a good laugh with about the fact that I had slipped back in there again!

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1: What Exactly Is Guilt, and What Is the Point of It?

Chapter 2: Ten Different Types of Guilt

Chapter 3: The Four Key Personal Qualities That Will Help You

Chapter 4: The Five Key Life Skills

Chapter 5: The DREAM Repair Kit

Chapter 6: Dealing with Guilt-tripping

Chapter 7: Tips for the Nine Problematic Guilts

Chapter 8: How to Help Others with Their Guilt

Chapter 9: Guilt into Goals

Chapter 10: Keeping Yourself Free from Guilt Traps

Notes

Further Help

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

Introduction

Guilt is not a bad feeling any more than love is a good feeling.

If we do bad things in response to either feeling, we are likely to be in trouble.

If we do good things in response to either feeling, we are likely to be rewarded.

If we do nothing in response to either feeling, we are likely to become trapped by emotion and depowered.

To some people these statements may seem obvious, but it took me many adult years to be able to say them sincerely. From early childhood I was terrified of guilt. It wasn’t so much the fear of hell fires that caused my terror; it was the fear that I would never become a saint. That had been my burning ambition from as far back as I could remember.

So as a child I seriously strived to be so pure that I would never feel guilt. But however many good conduct badges I earned, I still did. At that time, I belonged to a religion that required me to confess all my sins before receiving Holy Communion. Not only was it expected of me to receive this sacrament, I wanted to do so. I knew it gave you grace and that was what I needed in abundance to become a saint. When the time for confession approached, I would panic. I felt guilty about not having any guilt to confess! My solution was to invent some sins just so I had something to say to the priest. One of those was, of course, lying. I hoped that God would understand.

When in my late teens I stopped believing in God, my guilt problem didn’t disappear. I started to do things that ‘should’ have made me feel guilty but didn’t. So then I was back once again to feeling guilty about not feeling guilty!

Unsurprisingly for a wannabe saint, I drifted into the helping professions. There, I found that I was certainly not alone with my problem. In fact, I was spending a good deal of my working days trying to persuade others not to feel so guilty.

Eventually, I decided that I needed to get a firmer grip on the issue of guilt. I could see that it was causing innumerable kinds of relationship and mental-health problems. I started researching and experimenting with strategies for dealing with this feeling. When I reached a point where I felt confident enough to write a book on the subject, I took the idea to my publisher. A contract for Triumph Over Guilt was signed. That book was never written because my younger daughter was killed in a car accident. Guilt once again became a major personal issue for me.

Over twenty years later I have now written this book. I believe it takes a more kindly approach to the subject than my first synopsis did. I now appreciate more fully the positive aspects of guilt. In contrast, over this period guilt has been categorised by psychologists as a negative emotional state.1 It appears that many other mental-health professionals are also concerned about the increasing negative impact this feeling is having on people’s mental health. But my aim in writing this book is still the same as it ever was. Above all, I wanted to write an easy-to-read, USEFUL book that could be used as a self-help programme by someone on their own or with a small group of friends.

Is this a book for me?

• Yes, if you are someone struggling with guilt issues in everyday life situations such as:

– losing your concentration because you still feel guilty about the mistake you made last time you tried that same task;

– when faced with a difficult decision, you think, Well, I know I’ll be damned if I do and damned if I don’t;

– obsessively looking over your shoulder to see what others are doing and wondering if you are doing it right;

– when a relationship ends you can’t stop thinking of what you wished you had done that might have made it work;

– when someone has died and you find it hard to move on because you feel guilty about enjoying life when they are not around;

– being a parent who says and does things that you regret and who keeps on thinking that you might have damaged your child or their chances forever;

– feeling so guilty about being happier or richer or more successful than others around that you cannot enjoy what you have;

– feeling constantly bad about not being able to look after someone in the way you think you should;

– dwelling on things you wish you could have done differently in your childhood;

– feeling bad about something you did in the past but have not owned up to;

– feeling partly responsible for something that went wrong when others were accused and punished and you were not;

– having cheated and now regretting your actions;

– being a survivor of a disaster or serious illness when others were not so lucky;

– if you feel guilty about hurting others by your own life choices;

– if you feel guilty about not feeling guilt!

• Yes, if you would like to become clearer about when you should feel guilty and when you should not.

• Yes, if you would like to just check that you are dealing with guilt in a confident and assertive manner.

• Yes, if you want to help anyone else handle their guilt more effectively.

And also,

• Maybe yes, if you have been treated for a mental illness in which guilt has played a part and are now on the road to recovery. This book should help to handle any future guilt in a constructive and self-affirming way.

• Maybe yes, if you have committed a crime and been punished but still feel guilty. But it would be advisable to work through this book with the support of someone who is a professionally trained psychotherapist or counsellor.

How to use this book

I suggest that you first read this book through quite quickly. You need not bother with the exercises or to practise the strategies now, but do mark up the parts of the book that you think could be useful for you. It would also be good to note down any examples of situations in your life that you have found difficult as they come into your mind when you are reading.

On your second reading, do the exercises and try out the strategies as you go, taking special care with the ones that you have marked. Again, make notes as you go along. After this reading, it could be very helpful to discuss the book with one or more of your friends. This might help to jog your memory and feel less alone with your problem.

Finally, make a prioritised list of issues that you want to resolve or work on. Then return to Chapter 9, Guilt into Goals, and do an action plan. Don’t forget to try to find a supportive person to help keep you on track.

Over the next few months, keep the book in a handy place where you can consult it whenever you need to. Having it lying around at home may encourage others to dip in and start wondering if this is something that may help them as well.

I do hope that you will find the book interesting and stimulating to read. I also, of course, hope that it will help you to move on with your life more happily and confidently.

CHAPTER 1

What Exactly Is Guilt, and What Is the Point of It?

Psychologists call guilt a ‘self-conscious’ emotion. Other emotions in the same category are pride, embarrassment and shame. All these emotions differ from our basic emotions such as fear, disgust and joy, which are more instinctive and universally felt during the first year of our lives. Self-conscious emotions develop later when we begin to get a sense of ourselves as separate from others. This usually occurs towards the end of the second year and through the third year of our lives.2

Before we can feel guilt, we must be able to make judgements. This can’t happen until the thinking centre of our brain (the neocortex) is sufficiently developed. This means that babies and very young children cannot feel guilt. Their brains are simply not well enough developed to process it. Physiologically, they cannot understand the difference between right and wrong.

At thirteen months, my little granddaughter sometimes appeared to know when she had done something not allowed. She would throw her food on the floor and look at us with a big grin on her face. This was not because she enjoyed being wicked (that will come later!). Her smile had been generated because she was enjoying seeing the reaction of us adults. And perhaps because we were still in the honeymoon phase of grandparenting, we found her behaviour funny and so would laugh along with her. Unsurprisingly, she would then instantly repeat it without the slightest hint of guilt!

However, this guilt-free phase of life is all too short. I was recently taking a walk along a fairly deserted beach when I came across two little naked girls at the edge of the sea. When they spotted me one of them hastily stood up and placed her bikini pants over her private parts. Although they were giggling and smiling, I noticed that their heads were bowed. My guess is that they were around three years old, the age at which guilt starts to creep its way into our psyches. Fortunately for them it had not yet developed well enough to spoil their innocent enjoyment of being ‘naughty’.

This pleasurable stage in guilt’s development is one that many adults often try to recapture. Here are some examples you might recognise:

• Girls’ days out in health spas where groups of gym-toned, professional women get drunk on champagne and greedily devour forbidden desserts.

• Boys on get-fit golf breaks, egging each other on to have yet another drink until dawn appears.

• Carnival participants dressing up in outrageously shocking costumes and singing songs that in everyday life would not be tolerated.

• Office parties where people let their hair down and the next day return to work smiling but with their heads down, just like the little girls on the beach.

• Buying food and drink labelled guilt-free, while being aware that they may still be far from nutritious.

On a more serious note, some people simply cannot feel guilt at all. Early in my career I used to work on the locked wards of a large psychiatric hospital. Many of our adult patients had a reduced capacity to reason. Through disease or arrested development, the centres of their brains that are used to process guilt were not functioning. As a result, much of their behaviour would have appeared to the outside world as selfish, anti-social and excruciatingly embarrassing. Because they were incapable of feeling guilt, I – along with other members of staff – had to learn to accept and tolerate their behaviour. It was a good lesson to learn so young, because since then I have met many adults and young children in the outside world who are also incapacitated in this way.

What’s the point of guilt?

Guilt, like other self-conscious emotions, probably emerged in our human evolutionary development at the time when humans started to form groups. They did this in order to work and protect themselves from enemies more efficiently. The function of the self-conscious emotions was probably to make these groups stronger by encouraging loyalty and self-discipline. Anyone who has set up or led a group will know how important these two qualities are. Basic emotions such as fear and anger can be used to encourage or enforce discipline only up to a point. After a while they induce resentment and rebellion. Guilt, on the other hand, encourages self-control. We keep to ‘the rules’ because we don’t want to feel it. The pain induced by guilt is internal and therefore not as disruptive to the rest of the group as, for example, anger might be.

This is how we think nature first intended guilt to work. Note that nature has a back-up plan if Plan A doesn’t work (always an excellent idea!).

NATURE’S ORIGINAL PLAN A FOR GUILT

A group member breaks a written or unwritten group rule:

NATURE’S ORIGINAL PLAN B FOR GUILT

A group member breaks a written or unwritten group rule:

Of course, we all know that nature’s plans (like our own) do not always work. If they did for guilt, I wouldn’t feel the need to write this book! But it is important to remember that, in its essence and when well managed, guilt is a good and useful emotion for both the individual and any group to which he or she belongs. It is there to ensure the healthy survival of the group. This is why positive guilt is one of ten categories of guilt that I have chosen for us to discuss and work on in this book (see Chapter 2).

At some later stage in human development individuals began to formulate their own moral codes. At first, their personal rules for living a ‘good’ life would be shaped to a large degree by their country’s culture and laws. But today, in our global world, people are also internalising moral influences through travel, the Internet and the media. The problem is that this ad hoc absorption of so many differing philosophies, religions and laws has sent our moral compasses spinning. We either feel guilty about whatever course of action we take, or we give up on guilt because we think, I’ll be damned if I do and damned if I don’t. The psychological effect of this moral confusion is bad news for the individual’s mental health and bad news for any group or society to which they belong.

The good news, though, is that you will find many of the tips and strategies in this book will help with these tricky contemporary moral issues.

The difference between guilt and shame

These two emotional states are often referred to interchangeably in everyday language. It doesn’t help the confusion that they are also often experienced together. But there are some important differences between them. The simplest explanation of the difference that I have heard came, surprisingly, from a comedian:

Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are – all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.

MARCUS BRIGSTOCKE, BRITISH COMEDIAN

But if you wish to have a more academic evaluation, Christian Miller from Wake Forest University, USA, did an interesting summary of the differences that have been found by researchers.3 Below, I have selected a few of the points she made that are relevant to our work in this book. Remember, these are only some of the differences that have been found through research.

• Guilt is a private emotion, whereas shame usually develops as a result of disapproval – real or imagined – from others.

• Shame can be triggered not just by moral wrongdoing, but by failing to abide by certain laws, rules or usual etiquette that do not have a moral base, e.g. wearing the wrong kind of dress to a wedding, forgetting to brush your hair before going to work or failing an exam.

• Guilt relates to wrongdoing that has been done. Shame concerns how you feel about yourself. You don’t like yourself at all, or you don’t like an aspect of yourself, rather than you don’t like what you have done.

• Shame makes you feel helpless, but guilt doesn’t always do so. In fact, guilt often prompts you to try to make amends or makes you wish that you could. Shame makes you want to hide yourself away so you and your failures are not noticed.

• When we are ashamed, we are less likely to feel empathy with anyone else who might have suffered as a result, e.g. people who put a lot of time and money into helping us with a project that we failed to deliver. With shame, we might be feeling so sorry for our failings that we cannot feel sympathy for anyone else who has suffered. With guilt, our focus might be on how we have let people down.

• Guilt is more likely to make us want to get into action to help others in some way. Shame doesn’t do this because it makes us feel useless.

As this kind of information always makes more sense when we apply it to our own personal experiences, try this exercise:

EXERCISE: CLARIFYING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUILT AND SHAME

The purpose of this exercise is to help you judge which aspects of your response to a past wrongdoing indicate whether you were feeling shame and/or guilt. Being aware of roughly to what degree you felt each emotion will help you to decide the kind of action you need to take. As you know, this book is largely about dealing with guilt, but we will also deal with one kind of guilt that has a large element of shame mixed in with it. I call this Shameful Guilt. My two examples here illustrate how a wrongdoing can trigger both emotions.

Think of a time when you felt guilty and/or ashamed and ask yourself these questions:

a) Did I feel that I wanted to hide away or did I want people to know how bad I felt?

b) Did I do something that was morally wrong or not (as opposed to just breaking a rule or law that many people think is daft or out of date)?

c) Was my focus primarily on myself or on others?

d) Did I feel bad because I had done something ethically wrong (e.g. I wish I hadn’t done that) or did I feel bad that others would judge me as stupid/inept/inadequate/too ugly, etc. (e.g. I’m such an idiot).

e) Did I do something to repair my wrongdoing or did I do nothing?

Using a scale of 1–10 (10 being the highest amount for either feeling), score yourself separately on the amount of guilt and/or shame that this aspect of your response indicates you were feeling.

Example 1

Wrongdoing: I was unnecessarily cruel to say what I said in that meeting – he was only a trainee. I was so shocked by my behaviour that I was speechless.

a) a) I only wanted to hide away. I didn’t consider acknowledging my guilt to others.

Shame 10/10 Guilt 0/10

b) Morally, I was totally in the wrong. The trainee was trying and I was unnecessarily aggressive about his naïve suggestion.

Shame 0/10 Guilt 10/10

c) My focus was largely on myself – I hardly thought of what he must be feeling.

Shame 8/10 Guilt 2/10

d) I knew what I had done was very wrong, but I was more worried about how others would judge me.

Shame 9/10 Guilt 5/10

e) I didn’t even apologise.

Shame 10/10 Guilt 10/10

Example 2

Wrongdoing: I lied to Mum in my message. I told her I had to work all weekend. I just couldn’t face driving all the way there – she’s such hard work these days. But I did worry about her and rang her on Sunday for a chat.

a) a) I told Jim what I had done but wouldn’t have told anyone else.

Shame 7/10 Guilt 2/10

b) Jim said stop worrying, it was only a white lie. But I do think lying is wrong and I could have just told her that I was exhausted. Not going to see her every weekend is not that selfish – I do go often.

Shame 5/10 Guilt 3/10

c) My focus was largely on Mum.

Shame 0/10 Guilt 7/10

d) I was largely concerned about whether what I had done was right or wrong in relation to my own values. I was also slightly concerned about what Mum would think of me.

Shame 1/10 Guilt 9/10

e) I did make good enough amends.

Shame 0/10 Guilt 9/10

Repeat this exercise two to three times for other occasions when you felt guilty and/or ashamed.

As you continue reading this book, repeat this exercise and think of other occasions when you felt guilty and/or ashamed. It might help to have some photocopies of the exercise ready to fill out. By the time you have finished the book, you should have become an expert on the differences between these two emotional states.

What does guilt feel and look like?

Most of us think we know the answer to this question. We will readily describe what we feel inside our bodies and how it makes us behave. But your personal experience may be different from what others feel. People notice and describe the ‘signs’ of guilt in different ways. They may also behave differently. To confuse us even more, many of the signs of guilt can be due to other causes. So we may have to rule these out first before we can be confident that they can be attributed to guilt. But the lists that I am going to give you below are a good clue as to whether or not guilt could be at the root of a problem.