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Impressum
© Copyright 2013 by Asaph-Verlag. All rights reserved.
First published in Germany in 2007 unter the title: Lastentragen, die verkannte Gabe
Translated by Patricia Cress
Cover design: joussenkarliczek, Schorndorf, Germany (photo by © Konstiantyn/fotolia.com)
DTP: Jens Wirth
Printed in the EU by cpi books
Print: ISBN 978-3-940188-71-7 (Order number 147471)
eBook: ISBN 978-3-95459-533-4 (Order number 148533)
For free information about our wide range of products (Christian literature, music and much more) please refer to
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Contents
Eigentümerhinweis
Impressum
Foreword
Foreword to the English version
Introduction
Chapter 1 - Characteristics of a Highly Sensitive Person
General Traits
Questionnaire
Examples from Everyday Life
Dealing with Overstimulation
Chapter 2 - The Life History of a Typical Highly Sensitive Burden Bearer
Conception to Toddler Age
Highly Sensitive Children
High Sensitivity or ADD?
Sense of Justice
Highly Sensitive Teenagers
Tips for Parents
Chapter 3 - Common Problems and Attitudes toward Life
Coping Strategies
Life Mottos and Inner Vows
Identity Problems and the Search for a Calling
Disappointed in the Church
Chapter 4 - Healing for Wounded Burden Bearers
Reassessing the Past
Healing from Emotional Wounds
“Dropping the Charges” against God
Inner Healing
Helpful Prayers
Chapter 5 - Overcoming in the Everyday Life of a HSB
Discipline and Changed Lifestyles
Draw and Keep Inner Boundaries
“Mindreading”
Correctly Interpreting Symptoms
Life between being Under-challenged and Overwhelmed
Reading the Bible with New Eyes
Highly Sensitive Staff – A Word to Leaders
How to be an Annoying HSB
Chapter 6 - Highly Sensitive People and Marriage
Recognizing Burdens and Protecting Yourself
When Both Spouses are HSBs
Learning to Live with the Differences
Steps to Peace in Marriage
Chapter 7 - Life as a Blessed HSB – Recognizing Your Calling
Intercession and Prayer Ministry
The Gift of Discernment of Spirits
Highly Sensitive Persons as Counselors
Praise and Worship
Mercy Ministries
Prophetic Gifting
Digression: Handling Impressions/Prophecies
Tips for Churches
Chapter 8 - Last but not Least …
Our high sensitivity is like a precision tool that performs impressively when it comes to perception and creative output. But unfortunately, it is a tool that we have received without an instruction manual and that we try to understand by trial and error.
Georg Parlow - Zart besaitet [Highly Sensitive]
Foreword
With this book on highly sensitive burden bearers Dirk and Christa Lüling have written one of those books so helpful that as I read it kept thinking, “… ought to read this, and I’ve got to get this in the hands of …”
It would be life saving for many who are merely highly sensitive, let alone the highly sensitive burden bearers, both of whom usually don’t understand why they feel what they do and suffer accordingly. Readers will find themselves exclaiming: “That’s me!” And: “Why didn’t I see that before? It would have saved so much trouble.” And then: “Thank God. I tried the prayers and they worked. I feel so much better. It’s so good to understand myself. Now I know, why I’ve been so different from everybody else. And it’s such a relief to know I’m not so different after all – there’s lots like me, and we all have the same problems.”
Best of all, Dirk and Christa show how burden bearing is a wondrous gift of the Lord, and how it is to be used in ministry and in intercessory prayer. Rightly understood and employed as an art of laying down one’s life in service to others (Galatians 6:2), burden bearing becomes one of the highest and most valuable ministries one can enter. Living it as a lifestyle breaks us out of self-centered selfishness into the christlike virtue of living to bless others, unmindful of self.
Whoever reads this book will not only become one who lives for others, he will burn with holy desire to help other sensitive types, and even those not so sensitive, to understand and come into freedom from the pain and hurt so many needlessly suffer (the not-so-sensitive also suffer, especially if living with a supersensitive type!). It is so good to be free from confusion, and much better, to be able to set others free.
Whatever the cost, get the book. It’s life transforming.
John Sandford
Author and Co-founder of Elijah House Ministry
Foreword to the English version
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Gal. 6:2 “… for each one should carry his own load.” Gal. 6:5
How did you feel when you read these two verses? Did the first one make you feel guilty, the second one seem cold and heartless? If so, you may be a burden bearer, and you may be on the threshold of a very important discovery.
We burden bearers have a special gift, and our heavenly Father, the Gift Giver, encourages us to use it: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 What a blessing it is to sense God’s Spirit moving through us to help someone feel less alone and misunderstood; to not just talk to her but to feel with her. To carry some of his emotional burden when it is just too heavy for him to bear alone.
But people with this gift of extreme empathy – highly sensitive burden bearers, as Christa and Dirk Lüling call us – are often misunderstood, not only by the majority in cultures used to praising the “go-getter”, but by ourselves, steeped as we are in the thought patterns of those who have other special gifts. It’s no wonder the literal translation of the original German title of this book is Burden Bearing – the Misunderstood Gift.
And we are in danger – from self-pity, burnout, resentment, lack of self-esteem. We desperately need to learn when and how to protect ourselves from the emotions our nervous systems don’t automatically screen out. And we need healing from the hurt that not only others but also we ourselves have inflicted on us. We need to be understood and appreciated – but firstly and most importantly, we need to understand and appreciate ourselves.
The original German version of this book has been a best-seller on the Christian book market since it appeared in 2007. Many people have learned to understand, accept and appreciate themselves, often for the first time. It has been my privilege to not only read it, but to study it as I have translated it. The knowledge, empathy, tips and prayers contained in this little book have made an immense difference in how I see myself and interact with others. I’ve been told that many of us prefer the blessing found in helping others to the risk involved in allowing ourselves to be helped, no matter how desperate our need. It is my prayer that you open your heart as you read this precious book, place your trust in your heavenly Father and let Him heal, convict, comfort and encourage you to be all He has made you to be.
Patricia Cress
Introduction
During a car trip several years ago, we decided to listen to a taped teaching by John Sandford, an influential Christian counselor, lecturer and author, entitled “Healing for the Wounded Burden Bearer.” At first, we hadn’t known what to expect from a lecture with that title, but the more we listened, the more fascinated we became. Suddenly, light was being shed on an important part of our lives that had often caused us problems. Christa felt that finally someone had found a way to understand her and describe her personality, and when she prayed along with the prayer at the end, she immediately felt relieved. Later, we were helped very much by personal conversations with John Sandford in which he explained in more detail the gift of burden bearing. Ever since, we have come back again and again to this topic, discovering new aspects of it every time. Whenever Christa teaches on it in our Team.F Counseling School, the response is overwhelming. More than 80% of the students fit into this personality description and feel like they are being understood and described. They are relieved to finally be able to understand what they sense and how they react, and see many past hurtful experiences in a new light.
John and Paula Sandford are considered pioneers in the area of inner healing. In the 90’s, they often spoke at our seminars. Their seminars, books and friendship provided invaluable input for not only our lives, but also the counseling aspect of the Christian family ministry group we founded called Team.F. This valuable beginning was expanded and complemented last year when we came across Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person and Georg Parlow’s German book Zart Besaitet [Highly Sensitive], both of which provide a detailed description of the highly sensitive personality. The abundance of information about highly sensitive people that we found in these books and on the Internet confirmed what we had experienced and observed.
Many highly sensitive people are emotional burden-bearers; of these, many have very wounded souls. It is primarily for these people that we have written this book. We have only described the characteristics of highly sensitive people in as much detail as is necessary to provide a basic understanding of the personality of a burden bearer. So it could happen that you don’t see yourself in the description of a highly sensitive person, but do see yourself reflected in our discussions of burden bearing or the healing of wounded souls.
There is a great need for information on this topic because, according to Elaine Aron, about one-fifth of all people are highly sensitive. They have very delicate sensibilities and a wonderful gift. Unfortunately, some of them never find their niche in our competitive society because they don’t function the way most people do. With their perceptions, reactions and values, they often feel misunderstood and “different.” Unfortunately, they are often confirmed in this by judgmental reactions from those around them. Because of things that have happened to them in the past, many are plagued by self-doubt and insecurity. More than a few have seemingly random emotional or even physical pain, and some are easily emotionally or intellectually confused due to perception overload. In order to enter into or reclaim a joyful life, they need to be freed from the yoke of their unconscious burdens and healed of the painful experiences in their past. If they can also learn to protect themselves from too many perceptions, they can handle their gift very constructively in everyday life. Our society needs highly sensitive people! They deserve to be seen and respected for what they are and given a place appropriate for them.
This book is based to a large extent on our own experiences and observations, coupled with friends’ stories. Our hearts’ desire is to open our readers’ eyes and hearts to understand not only this almost entirely unknown and neglected topic, but even more importantly, the highly sensitive people themselves. Please feel free to send us your feedback and/or tell us your story; we are convinced that there is so much more to this issue than we have yet discovered. We would like to take this opportunity to thank all of our friends who have shed light on this area and enriched this book by telling their stories. To protect them and their families, we have changed their names.
Much of this book is about Christa and her experiences, so when the first-person form is used without explanation, Christa is telling her personal story.
Christa and Dirk Lüling
Chapter 1 - Characteristics of a Highly Sensitive Person
General Traits
Several years ago, we attended a large Christian conference. We were exhausted from the demands of our everyday life and were longing to be spiritually refreshed. The teachings offered refreshment for our minds and the worship refreshment for our souls and spirits – the atmosphere was wonderful! My husband was having the time of his life talking with all kinds of people, but I sat there amid 5,000 or more people and sank deeper and deeper into my seat. After a while, I couldn’t take any more and said to him, “Dirk, I have to get out of here! I can’t stand it! Being here isn’t helping me at all; I’m feeling worse and worse!” Back then, I had no idea what was happening to me. I figured I was just a high-strung loser. It wasn’t until two years later, while listening to John Sandford’s teaching “Healing for Wounded Burden Bearers,” that I finally understood this confusing event. Over and over again, I found myself saying, “NOW I get it!” as I realized that I was totally normal: a normal highly sensitive person with a strong tendency to “bear burdens.” Because of my temperament and gifting, I had been not only perceiving, but also soaking up like a sponge, all of the unspoken needs, distress and problems (burdens) of the people around me at the conference. Back then, I was helpless, not knowing how to protect myself from, or rid myself of, this senseless suffering. So I not only suffered, but also made it worse by negatively judging myself, my perceptions and my reaction. I felt so wrong and out of place!
Today, I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with these kinds of perceptions and feelings. There are many like me, but most of us are hesitant to share our feelings and perceptions openly. We know by experience that our way of seeing and feeling things will probably be different from that of the “normal” majority, and we will probably be misunderstood if we talk about it. Imagine the huge relief it was for me to finally be able to open up about these things, to realize that my burden bearing is a gift and to accept the fact that I am highly sensitive!
Over the years, I’ve noticed other typical characteristics of this gift in myself. When I’m in a large group of people, I often feel confused or have trouble focusing on one thought. I can often tell how a person is doing simply by looking at his or her face; not a word needs to be spoken. People often tell me their problems, pouring their hearts out to me. In counseling sessions, I can clearly sense what a person is feeling and instinctively know how to give the appropriate response. And I sometimes suddenly feel pain, tension or even the symptoms of an illness for no apparent reason. These sensations often disappear just as suddenly as they appear. I have learned that these are all normal experiences that I share with many other highly sensitive people.
This high sensitivity is the basis for intuition, imagination, creativity, inventiveness, empathetic communication, and very finely tuned perceptions. Many people are sensitive to a certain degree, but highly sensitive people are so marked by these characteristics that they can be considered gifted. Elaine Aron, who has done extensive research on the phenomenon, says that 15–20% of the population consists of people who are significantly more sensitive than others due to their neurological constitution. By the way, this percentage also occurs in many mammals, among which high sensitivity can also be observed. Experts say that there is a marked difference between these highly sensitive 20% and the next group, which can be referred to as “sensitive.” This measurable difference – which is due to a particular neurological characteristic of the brain – confirms that high sensitivity is a special ability or gift, i.e. either you have it or you don’t. In this sense, it is similar to a gifting in music, art or mathematics.
In her important pioneering work The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron uses the term “highly sensitive person” for such people. John and Paula Sandford do not use this term, but long before Elaine Aron’s book was published, they described a certain category of highly sensitive people, calling them “burden bearers.” The Sandfords chose this term because they noticed that not only they themselves, but also many others that they knew, had the ability to clearly perceive the inner condition and burdens of others and carry these burdens as if they were their own, without having made a conscious decision to do so. In the course of this book, we will make a distinction between the general characteristics of high sensitivity, which we will briefly introduce in the first part, and the special qualities of “highly sensitive burden bearers,” into which we will delve more deeply afterwards. For the sake of simplicity, we will use the abbreviation HSP(s) for (a) highly sensitive person(s) and HSB(s) for (a) highly sensitive burden bearer(s).