How Not to be a Bride

Definitely, maybe… yes?

Mia Valentina gave up her high-flying life in LA to move back to Kent over four years ago. But it turns out life in the slow lane isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

So, when her boyfriend, Leo, proposes, she says yes, hoping it will bring some much-needed sparkle back into her life. The trouble is, Mia never wanted a big white wedding, just the happy ever after…

The laugh-out-loud, uplifting new book from Portia MacIntosh, author of It’s Not You, It’s Them. Perfect for fans of Rosie Blake and Sophie Kinsella.

Also by Portia MacIntosh

Between a Rockstar and a Hard Place

How Not to Be Starstruck

Bad Bridesmaid

Drive Me Crazy

Truth or Date

It’s Not You, It’s Them

The Accidental Honeymoon

How Not to Be a Bride

Portia MacIntosh

ONE PLACE. MANY STORIES

Contents

Cover

Blurb

Book List

Title Page

Author Bio

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-Two

Excerpt

Endpages

Copyright

PORTIA MACINTOSH has been ‘making stuff up’ for as long as she can remember – or so she says. Whether it was blaming her siblings for that broken vase when she was growing up, blagging her way backstage during her rock-chick phase or, most recently, whatever justification she can fabricate to explain away those lunchtime cocktails, Portia just loves telling tales. After years working as a music journalist, Portia decided it was time to use her powers for good and started writing novels. Taking inspiration from her experiences on tour with bands, the real struggle of dating in your twenties, and just trying to survive as an adult human female generally, Portia writes about what it’s really like for women who don’t find this life stuff as easy as it seems. You can follow her on Twitter at: @PortiaMacIntosh

Thank you to my editor, Charlotte, for all of her hard work – as always. I’m so fortunate to work with such a great team at HQ.

To be publishing my eighth book feels unreal. I am so grateful for the constant support from my fellow authors, reviewers and readers. Thank you to each and every one of you who take the time to read and review my books.

Without the love and support of my family, I wouldn’t be writing books. My parents – especially my mum – have always done everything they can to nurture my talent and support me through the rough and the smooth. My brothers have also played a huge part in my success – they are both just so uniquely brilliant, and will always be my best friends. My amazing gran has always been there for me, helping me through long writing sessions back when I first started out and I’ll never forget her for that. Even my dogs, who will happily pile on top of me while I write, seal the deal on this being my dream job. I still can’t believe I get to do this.

And then there’s my boyfriend… Often people read my books and ask me about the inspiration behind my dreamy leading men. Handsome, intelligent, hilarious and supportive – the Prince Charmings in my book might seem like the stuff of fairy tales, but guys like this do exist, and I’m so lucky to have found one. So when people ask me: where can I find one of these guys? I just apologise, and tell them that I have the only one I know of. For everything he’s done for me over the past couple of years, everything he does for me today, and all the things we still have to look forward to in the future – I can’t thank him enough.

For my boy, my family and my dogs.

Chapter One

I don’t know what hits me first: the smell of meatballs or the fist of an impatient child who, having clearly spent too much time in Ikea, is flailing around like a maniac in the hope his embarrassed parents will get a move on and take him to Toys R Us. I wonder, only for a second, whether adopting a similar tactic might work on my boyfriend, except I’ve probably done much worse to embarrass him in the past.

Trips to Ikea are a regular event for us since we bought our house – partly because we just spent most of our money buying a house and this is now our number-one social activity, but mostly because said house is what you’d euphemistically call a ‘fixer upper’. What I call it is a building site, but it was cheap, and my boyfriend, Leo, loves doing DIY, so it’s perfect for him. To be perfectly honest, I’d go as far as to say he loves Ikea too. Why else would we be here, dashing in through the exit door (something that is highly frowned upon, but is undoubtedly the most efficient way to work the place), the day before we’re set to go on holiday? Like, I don’t know what it is, but something about flat pack furniture just makes him come alive – get yourself a man who looks at you the way my boyfriend looks at the instructions for an Ikea coffee table.

‘OK, let’s split up to save some time,’ Leo suggests. I pull a face, because even I know you never leave a man behind in Ikea, especially when you’re going against the tide. Ikea is a signal dead zone so, if we separate, it will be hard to find each other. ‘I’ll get most of the things we need, all you need to do is grab a trolley and get a white SÄVEDAL door, 60x40.’

I feel my face contort with pure confusion.

‘Seve…’

‘SÄVEDAL,’ he repeats himself. ‘Make a note in your phone.’

‘Leo, I’m not an idiot. That… word you just said… 40x60.’

‘60x40, Mia,’ he corrects me. ‘Just grab one of the little pencils and write it down.’

‘Yeah, fine, go, go,’ I babble.

I watch Leo disappear into the crowd before turning my attention to the task at hand. I need a seve… seve… dal? I’ll just use one of the little computers dotted around to tell me where they are.

As I walk past the showrooms, I feel like I’m walking down the street, peeping in people’s living-room windows. Couples are sitting on the sofas, chatting like they would in the comfort of their own homes, as they deliberate which lamp to buy. There’s even a couple arguing in one of the dummy rooms, who both shoot me a filthy look for looking inside – the very thing the fake room is here for. In one of the dummy kitchens there’s a kid sitting under a worktop, visibly contemplating whether or not to take a bite out of a plastic apple, like a less bright Sir Isaac Newton. He decides it’s a good idea and raises it to his mouth, but his dad stops him just in time, scooping him up and planting him on his shoulders, six feet in the air where he can’t get in too much trouble.

I patiently wait my turn to use the computer, because Ikea is expert-level busy today. I mean, it’s always busy, but today it is bank holiday busy, and everyone and their spouse and 2.5 kids are here to get their hands on furniture and pieces of Daim cake. The only problem is, by the time my turn comes around, I’ve completely forgotten what I’m looking for. I type S E V, hoping it will suggest something. He said it was a door, right? And we’re shopping for things to build the kitchen. There’s no way he’d send me for an actual door, so it must be for a cupboard or something.

I glance behind me, only to see the queue growing longer, and increasingly more impatient. I try again, typing S A V, but I’m still not getting any hits. Defeated, I give up and try to find a yellow-and-blue-striped employee to help me out.

‘Excuse me,’ I say to a man sitting at a computer. ‘I wonder if you can help me? I’m after a door, for a kitchen, I think.’

‘Sure, what’s the product name?’ he replies helpfully.

‘Sev… sav… something, I don’t know, sorry,’ I reply apologetically.

A few punches of the keyboard and a quick look through their products and the employee knows exactly what I’m after.

‘SÄVEDAL?’

‘Yes,’ I reply, a little too excitedly. ‘I need a white one, please.’

‘What size?’ he asks.

Shit. Leo was right, I should have written this down.

‘Erm… So, I think it’s 60x40 or 40x60. So, whichever one of those is a real size.’

‘We actually do both of those sizes, miss,’ the employee points out.

Double shit.

‘Erm…’

Come on, Mia. You’ve got this. Just think about what numbers he said – he even said them twice.

‘40x60?’ I tell him, although it sounds more like a question than an answer.

‘Are you sure?’ he laughs.

‘Positive,’ I reply.

With an unconvinced laugh, he tells me where to find what I need and, as I walk there, I can’t help but think about how much my life has changed since I moved back to the UK. If you’d told me four years ago, when I was living in the Hollywood Hills, hanging out with movie stars, and playing the dating game to the best of my ability, that I’d be living in Canterbury, in a house that needs a lot of work, spending my days procrastinating and my nights watching Netflix, I would have laughed in your face – and probably threatened to do something drastic to save myself from such a life. Don’t get me wrong. I love Leo so much, and I’m so lucky to have him, but my life has changed so much and I’m really starting to feel it. My day-to-day life has changed, my hobbies have changed – even my looks have changed, which I can’t help but notice, standing here in front of this full-length ISFJORDEN mirror. Gone are the days I’d spend hours at the gym, eating clean and tanning regularly to maintain my toned, LA body, and since I stopped dropping triple digits on my long, blonde locks at a swanky salon, instead going to a cheaper, local place, I’ve had what’s known in the trade as a chemical cut, which basically means they’ve been using such strong peroxide on my hair that it has broken off, leaving me with much shorter locks. As superficial as it sounds, I took such confidence from these things, and now I feel kind of unremarkable by comparison. I don’t look bad, I just don’t look like me.

Finally through the checkout, I spy Leo standing over by the door, finishing up a hotdog. It took me all this time to find one item and here he is, his trolley piled high with things, finishing up his dinner. This is further proof that he’s some kind of Ikea wizard. He just seems to know how to manipulate the place, to bend it to his will, whether he’s modifying furniture or taking the little shortcuts he knows to get from sofas to plates in a matter of minutes.

‘There you are,’ he says as I approach him. ‘I was just about to come looking for you – I half expected to find you curled up in a bed somewhere.’

‘What would you have done then?’ I ask, adopting a more flirtatious tone.

‘Probably napped with you,’ he replies. ‘Maybe.’

I see that little glimmer in his eye that I love so much.

I laugh to myself. Sex in an Ikea bed, in Ikea, is probably Leo’s number-one fantasy. It would probably make his day to find me in one of the fake bedrooms, whispering sweet Swedish nothings into his ear before some post-coital meatballs.

‘OK, we need to go if you’re going to get to Boots before they close,’ Leo says with a clap of his hands.

I absolutely need to get to Boots before they close. It might feel like it’s been a really long time since we had sex, but there’s no time for flirting if I’m going to get the things I need for my trip tomorrow. Plus, we’re not going to have sex in Ikea, are we? Our naughty days are a thing of the past. Well, when you’ve been together for four years you don’t really do wild any more, do you?

‘Here, I got you one,’ Leo says, handing me a hotdog.

‘I’m OK, thanks,’ I reply. ‘I need to watch what I eat.’

‘No, you don’t. You’re as sexy as the day I met you,’ he insists sincerely.

I smile.

‘I’m not really hungry,’ I reply, giving his arm a squeeze.

Leo shrugs his shoulders before eating it himself.

I know it’s easy to put on a little weight when you’re comfortable in a relationship, but my super-sexy boyfriend is just as hot as the day we first met. I suppose being a fireman helps with that. He has to keep fit, and the uniform still lights a fire in my downstairs. I, on the other hand, work from home, so I’m not as active as I used to be. I’m a healthy-ish weight; I’m just nowhere near as toned as I used to be.

Finally at our car, Leo begins loading things into the boot as I plonk myself down in the passenger seat, exhaling deeply, relieved to have survived another trip to Ikea.

‘Erm, Mia,’ Leo calls from behind me.

‘Yeah?’

‘You’ve got the wrong size,’ he tells me.

I massage my temples.

‘Can’t you make it work?’

‘I mean, it would be better to just have the right one. Shall I run back in?’

‘Leo, I need to get to Boots,’ I tell him.

‘I know, I know,’ he calls back. ‘I just really wanted to do some work on the kitchen today. Aren’t you sick of eating microwave food and takeaways?’

‘Well, yeah, but we’re going away tomorrow,’ I reply.

‘To Cornwall,’ he reminds me. ‘Where they have plenty of Boots… I’ll make sure we stop at one on the way to the beach house and you can even give me a list of what you want and I’ll get it… and I’ll buy you some Daim chocolate.’

‘OK, fine, go,’ I tell him. ‘I’ll stay here.’

Leo gives me a kiss on the cheek before dashing off back inside, leaving me sitting in the car. I know he just wants to get the house finished so that we can get on with living a happy life in it. I guess I’m just impatient and growing tired of the constant DIY.

Perhaps the kid with the helicopter arms was on to something. That’s why he’s probably in Toys R Us right now getting whatever toy he wants, and I’m still stuck here, in Ikea purgatory, waiting for a kitchen door.

Chapter Two

Isn’t it weird how, when you visit somewhere you haven’t been for a while, it seems so familiar and yet so alien. Like it’s something you saw in a movie once.

Being back in Cornwall, back at the beach house where my sister got married, is making me feel exactly that. I want to say it hasn’t changed at all, because it hasn’t, but what happened here during her wedding week feels like something that happened to someone else.

My sister, Belle, and her husband, Dan, tied the knot here four years ago and thought it might be nice to celebrate their wedding anniversary here, with the family and friends who were there on their special day.

It was at Belle and Dan’s wedding that I met Leo. I was a bridesmaid, he was the best man – it sounds like something fresh out of romantic comedy, right? Of course we were supposed to end up together. It took me a while to realise this, though, and so the path to true love wasn’t a smooth one.

You wouldn’t think it, meeting me now, but back then I had a real problem with commitment. I arrived at the beach house for Belle’s wedding expecting to have a terrible time, but then Leo showed up.

I remember the first time I met him like it was yesterday. The entire wedding party went out for lunch, except Dan, the groom, who was laid up in bed with a bad back, so I wound up staying behind to look after him. There had been mention of a best man who was showing up at some point, but I completely forgot about that. That’s why, on my way back to my room, I didn’t think it would be a problem when my bikini top fell off… but then I heard this voice behind me. We spoke for a moment before I turned around, and when I finally saw him, I couldn’t get over how sexy he was. Sure, he was big and buff, but his swept-back dark hair, and sexy green eyes, and dimples… my God, those dimples!

Of course, at the time I didn’t know it was love at first sight. I thought it was just lust. To protect my modesty I was using my hands as a bra. I remember Leo introducing himself to me and offering me a hand to shake so that I’d remove one of my own from my chest. I loved how cheeky he was, and then he kissed me.

The kiss knocked me for six, so much so that I didn’t know what to say afterwards. I think I blurted something along the lines of: ‘I’ve never kissed a fireman before.’

‘Neither have I,’ he replied.

I assumed he was like me, just after a good time, but he later confessed than he wasn’t the ladies’ man I thought he was, and that he just wanted me. It took me a little longer to realise this, but I got there in the end.

It’s weird, to think that, before, when we met, I thought of his job as the ultimate sexy-man job. I just thought of his big, strong arms and his stripper uniform. These days, all I think about is how dangerous his job is, and how I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.

The beach house is just as beautiful as I remember it: brilliant-white walls, contemporary architecture, with big windows, multiple balconies and an entire beach for a back garden. Thanks to our detour to Boots, judging by all the cars parked on the driveway, I’d say we were the last ones to arrive.

‘Of course we’re late,’ I laugh to myself.

‘It’ll be fine,’ Leo assures me, trapping me in a bear hug before lifting me up off the floor and spinning around a few times. He always knows how to make me feel better. ‘Come on, let’s go inside.’

I take a moment to glance around the garden. It really is such a beautiful summer’s day. The house sits right on the beachfront and, right now, all I want to do is take a walk along the coast. Unfortunately, I’ve got a family inside waiting for me – probably an angry family, because even though I am consistently late, they’re always surprised and offended by it.

‘Hello,’ I call out as we walk through the large front door. ‘Anyone home?’

My voice echoes through the large living room.

‘Mia!’ my sister squeaks as she charges towards me, seemingly from out of nowhere.

‘Hello,’ I reply, unable to muster up my sister’s level of enthusiasm. ‘How’s it going?’

‘Amazing,’ she replies. ‘We were just about to eat without you. Come on.’

Belle grabs me by the wrist, ready to drag me along, sort of like the way an excited child would drag you downstairs on Christmas morning.

‘Who’s here?’ I ask, wiggling free of her grasp.

My sister greets Leo with a kiss on each cheek and a lingering hug before turning her attention back to me.

‘Me, Dan, Mum, Dad, Mike and Rosie, Gran – Granddad wasn’t feeling up to it. That’s everyone. We thought we’d keep it at close family only, so parents, siblings and their significant others,’ Belle explains.

‘Cool,’ I reply, a little too unenthusiastically for my sister’s liking. Belle pulls a face.

‘I’ve put you two in your old room, the one you shared back when you met,’ she beams. ‘My gosh, doesn’t it feel like a long time ago?’

‘It does and it doesn’t,’ Leo replies with a smile. ‘I mean, sometimes it feels like we met just yesterday, but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.’

As I watch my sister visibly melt, I wonder how I’ll clean her off the floor. To be fair, even though I’m not really a mushy person, even I thought that was pretty sweet. Leo is always saying cute little things, reminding me how much he loves me – it’s nice.

‘Right, dinner,’ Belle says with a clap of her hands. ‘This way.’

The dining room is just as we left it, right down to the large, carbohydrate-heavy meal on the table. The only difference this time is that there are fewer of us, so I don’t have to sit at the kids’ table.

‘Hello, Mia,’ my mum says. Her words aren’t delivered with the kind of warmth you’d expect from a mother speaking to her firstborn. It feels more like they’re uttered out of a combination of obligation and manners. ‘Hello, Leo.’

A nice, frosty Harrison family reception, just as I expected. When I made the decision to give up life in LA and move back to Kent, it felt like an opportunity to reconnect with the family I’d spent four years avoiding. Instead, I still avoid them, only now it’s much harder because I only live down the road. Leo and I stop by for Sunday dinner every now and then, and then there are obligatory family gatherings like this one. Leo lives for family life so he loves visiting our families, but for me it’s something I endure as best I can. Today, being back here at this beach house where so much went on is really going to test my endurance.

We all exchange pleasantries before Leo and I take our seats at the table.

‘So, what are we having?’ Leo asks excitedly, rubbing his hands.

‘Pasta with meatballs,’ Belle announces – probably an attempt to appeal to Leo’s Italian side and it works. He sits down and grabs a plate, serving himself a generous portion.

I take a seat and serve myself a smaller helping. Mia from four years ago wouldn’t have touched a dish so high in carbs, but Mia from four years ago had abs you could crack a tooth on – things change.

‘We were just talking about how quickly these four years have gone by,’ my mum says, filling us in.

‘Yeah, I suppose they have,’ I reply. Sometimes it feels like much longer, though.

‘It was a great wedding,’ Mike, Dan’s brother, pipes up. ‘It’s a shame you missed it,’ he tells his fiancée, Rosie, who smiles sweetly.

‘It’s a miracle it even happened at all,’ Belle says.

‘How so?’ Rosie asks curiously.

‘Oh, just, you know, wedding stuff,’ Belle backtracks. Well, we did say we’d never talk about it again.

It’s fair to say that, even though Belle’s wedding turned out great in the end, things were a little bit disastrous. I feel like she still holds me responsible for a lot of what happened, which is probably why my relationship with my sister isn’t great.

In fact, it would be fair to say that my relationship with my entire family isn’t great. Moving back here was the best decision I’ve ever made, because I have Leo now, but I still feel like an outcast sometimes. Perhaps it’s because I lived away from them for so many years, but as hard as I try to fit in, they still make me feel like a bit of an imposter sometimes. They don’t treat me like a black sheep, they treat me like a wolf.

My mum and dad, a middle-class couple in their early sixties, are exactly the kind of people you’d expect them to be. They’re so serious and stuffy – just like my grandparents before them, so I have no doubt my sister will end up a similar way. I’ve always tried so hard to be like anything but the kind of people who raised me, because, for such a tight-knit family, I feel like there’s a real emotional disconnect among us.