The Little Book of Alpaca Philosophy

HarperCollinsPublishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollins in 2020

FIRST EDITION

Text and poetry © Jennifer McCartney 2020

Illustrations © Clare Faulkner 2020

All poetry is the author’s own unless otherwise stated

Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers 2020

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Jennifer McCartney asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

The author and publishers cannot be held responsible for any errors and omissions that may be found in the text, or any actions that may be taken by a reader as a result of any reliance on the information contained in the text which is taken entirely at the reader’s own risk. This book should not be used as an alternative to seeking specialist medical advice which should be sought before any action is taken.

While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein and secure permissions, the publishers would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgments in any future edition of this book.

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Source ISBN: 9780008392567

Ebook Edition © September 2020 ISBN: 9780008392574

Version: 2020-07-28

Note to Readers

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 Page numbers taken from the following print edition: ISBN 9780008392567

Epigraph

‘Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.’

Saint Francis de Sales

Contents

1  Cover

2  Title Page

3  Copyright

4  Note to Readers

5  Epigraph

6  Contents

7  Part One: Alpaca the Bags, You Start the Car. Your Journey to a Better Life Begins Now

8  Introduction: Welcome to the Alpaca Philosophy

9  Follow the CLIMB Method for a Calmer and Wiser Life

10  Part Two: A Practical Guide

11  Health and Happiness

12  Love, Family and Friendship

13  Leisure and Pleasure

14  Work and School

15  Home and the Universe

16  A Note on Endings

17  In Conclusion: Alpacas Never Say Goodbye

18  Acknowledgments

19  About the Author

20  About the Publisher

LandmarksCoverFrontmatterStart of ContentBackmatter

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Giving thanks for the ability to cross my legs in such an adorable manner.

Alpacas love the journey. There’s nothing more fun than being on the way to somewhere else.

Introduction: Welcome to the Alpaca Philosophy

‘Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.’

Joan Rivers

The world is a busy place. There’s lots of stuff going on that we all care about – the climate crisis, getting good grades and good jobs, washing behind our ears.

In a world of serious overachievers, opinion-havers, Insta-posters and posers with must-read hot takes and commentary on everything and everyone, it can be tough to be a person who likes to just chill and observe. It feels like you’re not accomplishing much. You’re not contributing to the cacophony, taking a stand or standing out. And you’re certainly not building an audience. Or a brand. Or whatever else it is we’re all supposed to be doing in order to be successful these days. Because the plugged-in people, the ones with the most opinions, are held in the highest regard – look how much they post, contribute, succeed! And we’re socialised to try and keep up with all the noise, lest we appear uninformed, uncaring or simply uncool.

Remaining zen on public transport. We can all aspire to this.

But there are loads of us out there – people who prefer to read up, make plans, have lengthy, face-to-face discussions, rather than brief online interactions. People who like to consider all the angles, other people’s feelings, the past – and what that means for the future. People who prefer to move a bit more slowly and considerately through the world – or would like to. People who prefer conversations to declarations, long walks to short sprints and the whole bottle rather than just a quick glass. People who prefer the book to the movie (the longer the book, the better). People who don’t mind unplugging and taking a walk, once in a while; who always want the full story and thoughtful analysis; and who always seem a little bit chill, unflappable. Those who don’t mind a bit of a grey area or some nuance; the ones who want to rise above the fray, just a little bit, and take the long view. These are the alpaca people: the ones who stand a little bit apart from the madness. And we can learn a lot from them.

Luckily, the alpaca philosophy is here to teach us. It is the secret to living a better, deeper, more fulfilling life. Or at least to chilling out – just a tiny bit.

Why alpacas? Because alpacas are the best, most resilient and most interesting animals on the planet. More contemplative than the relaxed sloth, more discerning than the playful otter, the alpaca is like the Dalai Llama1 of animals. Until now, they’ve taken a back seat to more flashy creatures (looking at you, nonsensical unicorn), but The Little Book of Alpaca Philosophy seeks to change all that, and introduce these incredible animals – and their wisdom – to the world at large.

Generally, the alpaca is erudite and kind. A bit of an individual (meaning a tad weird). Observant and mellow. It lives a domesticated life of quiet contemplation high in the mountains of South America. A life of reflection. Empathy. Gentle interactions with its fellow herd members. Alpacas are also big on using body language to communicate, which means they’re not online a lot. And they’ve been domesticated for thousands of years, so they’re used to getting along with one another, coexisting peacefully with other alpacas and humans alike. They’re also neat and organised (helpful when you’re living with others) and they’re easily trained – as long as you’ve got food as a reward. They’ve also got great hair. What better role model is there?

On this reading journey (light walking shoes required, and perhaps a thin jacket – nothing too strenuous involved here) you’ll learn some alpaca science and the benefits of serving others (spitting on others, too, on rare occasions), along with quotes, original poetry and quizzes to help you reach a higher plane. With chapters on health and happiness, love and friendship, leisure and pleasure, work and school and home and the universe, you’ll learn how best to incorporate the alpaca philosophy into every aspect of your life. Learn the value of watching and waiting, of observation, analysis, meditation and empathy, as opposed to frantic flailing. Plus, the CLIMB method offers a quick and easy way to help you rise above it all.

The alpaca philosophy is urgently needed today. It will resonate with anyone who’s longing to expand their outlook, all those who are desperate for a deeper, more reflective and less urgent life and everyone who is searching for a kinder, more loving existence. And, of course, alpacas are very fuzzy. So the alpaca philosophy is also about softening our edges, embracing empathy, kindness and woollen jumpers. Because who can feel overwhelmed or upset while wearing a woolly jumper?

These furry little fuzz units have a lot to teach us – so read on to learn how the alpaca philosophy can help you find a bit of peace and perspective in an overpowering world. Come and hang with the herd. They’ve been waiting for you. Let’s rejoice in the wisdom of these weird little mountain camels!

‘Won’t you join me?’ Alpacas are always welcoming to others they meet along the way.

1 Just don’t call them llamas. Actual llamas are a bit rude.

Follow the CLIMB Method for a Calmer and Wiser Life

‘Generally, we’re all doing the best we can. We are not privy to the stories behind people’s actions, so we should be patient with others and suspend our judgment of them, recognising the limits of our understanding.’

Epictetus

Even our bottoms are adorable.

Learning to live life with an alpaca outlook has a lot of benefits, as you’ll soon discover. The joys of being a little bit domesticated (and a little bit wild), while also being generally kind and understanding, will help you put your life in perspective, giving you some peace in an overwhelming world. The CLIMB method is the best and easiest way to remember all the main tenets of the alpaca philosophy (especially if the sheer length of this book is, in itself, overwhelming for you!). So fear not. Read on to discover how CLIMB will help you to achieve some balance in all areas of your life. It will also help you to hate humanity a little less. Hopefully.

C

Check out.1 This key step in the alpaca philosophy is about gaining perspective. The kind that only a bit of time can bring. It’s not about giving up or checking out for good. It’s about giving yourself permission to not react right away. It’s about stepping back, allowing yourself some time to calm down and figure out a game plan and then returning to the issue with a more balanced viewpoint. You’ve heard the advice about not sending that email when you’re angry? It’s because often, when you come back to that same email the next day, whatever it was that made you mad isn’t quite so clear any more. In fact, the email you’d write the next day can look very different and is often much more productive than the one you wanted to send in anger. The idea is to avoid putting anger and careless words out into the world if you possibly can.

L

Log out and let it go. This is another version of the above step. But whereas checking out usually involves checking back in at some point to deal with something that needs addressing, logging out and letting go is about, well, exactly that. Take a step back. Log out of your email or social media accounts for a few hours or a few days – whatever you feel you need. And rejoin the non-virtual world. Make a cup of tea. Trim your nails. Look at a bird. Remember what it’s like to be a person occupying and existing within a physical space. Think about what’s important to you and what’s worth your time and energy. And if things are not worth either of those resources, then let them all go. Let go of anything that doesn’t need your attention. Everything that doesn’t need a response from you; and whatever can be ignored, whatever won’t matter in an hour, a day, a year, on your deathbed. The online stuff. The work stuff. The slights and current events that need your urgent point of view (they don’t).

You’re muddling along wonderfully, friend. If it helps just remember that life is fleeting, but also beautiful.

I

Imagine it the other way around. This step is a great empathy builder. It’s also another way of saying don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in another person’s shoes/hooves. It’s tough being a person. It’s probably tough for that other person to be a person, too. We’re all trying to get by. We’re all muddling along, struggling to pay bills, fall in love and stay in love, get a job and keep a job. We’re all complicated, mixed-up people with lots of weird bits of emotions, contradictory thoughts and unique points of view floating around inside us. So next time you’re feeling upset at someone else’s actions, take a minute to wonder what they may have been thinking. If at all possible, assume they were acting with good intentions. Maybe you can even take the view that they are just a little bit ignorant – many people are. And, if possible, assume that it’s all good and it’s not your job to put it right. Let go of your need to correct, chastise, call out or take on the responsibility for educating people whose minds are likely already made up. Acknowledge that other people feel differently from you, and that’s ok. Infuriating, but ok.

M

Meet halfway. This is both literal and figurative. If you’re meeting someone for drinks or a dinner, always pick a spot in the middle. It’s the nice thing to do and it means you’re both making an equal effort to get there. This also applies to arguments, discussions, disagreements, apologies. Try and see the other person’s point of view and acknowledge it. Generally, don’t be an utter cock about stuff. One of the first things we learn about when we’re little is the importance of compromise. This step is about acknowledging that this is just as important for us as adults, too.

B

Be kind. This is self-explanatory. There’s a reason why we’re so desperate for videos of strangers doing nice things for one another. Oh, look, someone helped that lady across the street when she was confused! Oh, look, someone bought that man a pair of shoes when he was in need! And while posting videos of good deeds is a bit of a show-off thing to do, their popularity proves that we all feel pretty happy when other people are nice to each other and to us – and when we’re nice to other people, too. Obviously, some people who were raised in barns (rather than in the civilised peaks of the Andes) are very rude and that sucks a lot, but it’s part of life. Anyway, the more people choosing to be kind the better. And it starts with you.

Quiz

Determine Your Current Animal Personality

When a unique landmark you visited once is on fire, your immediate thought is:

A. I must find and post a photo of myself in front of this monument, along with a note about how sad I am.

B. I must post an article explaining why everyone posting about how sad they are is actually uncaring because they haven’t also posted about another terrible thing that happened recently.

C. What horrible news for humanity and the arts in general. I don’t know much about that place, actually, even though I enjoyed visiting it. I wonder what the building was made of? I wonder what its history is? I wonder if they will rebuild it? Look forward to learning more.

D. LOL doesn’t affect me. Some old thing on fire. Things burn down all the time. People are too sensitive these days.

E. Everything good is destroyed eventually – what’s the point of life?

What an interesting perspective, bird friend. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.

Answers

A: More of a peacock than an alpaca. You’re quick to make things about you (which is how we’re encouraged to be these days; it isn’t all your fault). And while you’ve got the best of intentions, sometimes it’s ok to take the long view: step back and think about how you fit into the bigger picture, if at all. You probably don’t fit into it. And that’s ok, too.

B: A bit of a badger. It’s tough to sit back and watch while people focus all their attention on one sort of generally insignificant thing while other really horrific things are happening the world over. And it’s hard not to point out the hypocrisy (and there is definitely a time and place for that). But try stepping back and allowing others their grief, no matter how misplaced you might feel it to be. Donate to a good cause instead of chastising everyone about how they’re doing life wrong. Or, if you must engage, try framing your arguments in a way that makes space for duality. We can all be sad about many things at once.

C: You’ve got a pretty good alpaca outlook. You can acknowledge your feelings without placing yourself at the centre of the issue or minimising other people’s thoughts about it. You see big events as an opportunity to learn. When something happens, you’re keen to see the bigger picture.

D: A bit of a mole person. Remember than no person is an island (or a mole for that matter). We’re all connected to everything in this world and it’s ok to feel a personal sense of loss when humanity suffers one. It’s also ok to understand that people may feel sad about things you think are silly. Try a bit of empathy next time; perhaps someone got married at that place that’s gone now, or visited that spot with their mum, who’s since passed away. Everyone’s got their reasons for feeling the way they do. Part of developing an alpaca attitude is learning to accept that we are all full of lots of different, contrasting bits.

E: A fainting goat. The world is overwhelming sometimes, and it’s good to grieve our losses, both big and small. Feeling things deeply is a beautiful thing, but it can be helpful to keep things in perspective, too. Otherwise it’s a bit debilitating. Not everything requires a massive outpouring of emotion. Have a good cry if you must, then move on to something else. Better yet, learn to rise above the fray a little bit. Which is where the CLIMB method comes in.

1 Checking out can also refer to library books. Everyone should check out a few library books once in a while – because libraries are one of the world’s greatest and most astonishing establishments. Free public institutions dedicated to preserving and providing knowledge to every citizen, regardless of income. Neat!

Quietly tending to the beautiful living things in our lives.

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