Ten Times Happier

INTRODUCTION

Do you ever feel disappointed with your life and have a sense that you could be happier than you currently are? If so, I believe that this is fully achievable on the condition that you are willing to let go of some of the stuff in life that’s holding you back.

This belief, based on my twenty-five years’ experience working in frontline physical and mental health services, motivated me to write Ten Times Happier. Whatever your story, I believe you can be happier than you are now, whether that’s twice as happy or ten times happier!

Working as a therapist I see people suffering every day. It’s possible life may have dealt you some very harsh cards. But have you ever considered that you, unwittingly, might be adding to your suffering more than you realize? I truly believe this is one of the key reasons people struggle in life. You have a powerful role in turning this around.

I want to be honest from the start: if you are expecting a quick-fix, hoping-and-wishing, affirmation-based approach to finding happiness, you won’t find it here. I’m not that type of person or therapist. What I am is passionate about helping people lead happier, more fulfilled lives by teaching them to understand why they struggle, and how they can move forward.

Reading this book in itself will not change your life but acting on the solutions will. I can promise you that.

ABOUT ME

If I’m offering solutions for a happier life, then I owe it to you to tell you some of my story.

I am a psychotherapist trained in several types of therapy that can help with managing ‘everyday life’ problems, emotions and the mind. I have a dual medical and psychotherapy background with over twenty-five years’ experience of working in healthcare, some of which I spent caring for the terminally ill, and some working as a clinical lead for an NHS mental health service in London.

I am also a writer. My first book Ten to Zen tackled finding calm in life. I wanted this new book to look at happiness because, let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to be happier?

Outside of my professional life, I know what it’s like to struggle. It’s what drew me to my job. I think it’s important to tell you this. I am not a person who lives in a constant bubble of smiling joy and platitudes. That would be painful to inflict on anyone.

I grew up in Belfast, Northern Ireland, during The Troubles, within an ordinary working-class family. It was a very traumatic time for me living in what can be best described as a war zone for most of my formative years.

I was also badly bullied in my youth, with a sense of not fitting in – which I later discovered was the result of my sexuality making me feel different – playing a huge part in my early story. Trust me when I say that being Irish, Catholic and gay back in the Seventies, Eighties and Nineties was not a walk in the park. I guess it was a ‘triple threat’ of sorts. That said, there was also a lot of love around which kept me sane.

I left Ireland in my early twenties for London, where I met my partner Mark, and we now live together with our dog, Kate. Over the years, I have developed my career, travelled the world and worked hard at turning a difficult past into a learning experience. I had to unlearn and let go of many things. I believe in making the best of my life. I also believe happiness is important.

In summary, happiness didn’t come easy for me, so everything I’m talking about in this book, I say as a professional and as a person who has walked the walk!

HAPPINESS

When I talk about happiness, I don’t want to offer a definition of what happiness will look like for you. I don’t think anyone can do that. You will know what a happier life will look like, whether that’s feeling more content, free, relaxed, unburdened, or authentic. It could be one thing; it may be many.

For me, I am happiest when I am at ease with myself and the people in my life. It’s not always a natural state. Sometimes it can go away, of course, but thankfully I know the way back. This is ultimately what I want to share with you. Getting you back on track to your happiness, whatever that means. But it involves effort, commitment and willingness to start letting go of the things that get in your way. I’ll explain.

HOW DOES THIS BOOK WORK?

When I was planning this book, I agonized over how I would structure it in a way that was meaningful and would make sense to everyone who would read it. I had an epiphany moment one day when I was out walking my dog. To be honest, I was clearing up the dog’s poop when a question came to mind: ‘What do most people you treat struggle with?’ And that laid the foundation for this book!

We are all driven by three systems at any given moment:

• Threat: anxiety, fear, protective mechanisms, guarded behaviours, avoidance

• Drive: achieving, distracting, fast living, substances to help us cope

• Soothe: self-soothing strategies that help us manage life (e.g. meditating, time out, self-compassion, soothing voice)

Almost every person I have ever treated in therapy wants to be a little happier. Most are driven by the threat and drive systems which are not in balance, and few of them can self-soothe. Despite coming to me with vastly different stories, almost 100 per cent of my clients have presented with similar themes that interfere with their happiness. Directly or indirectly they all link to the threat and drive systems being activated.

I’ve identified the top ten key themes:

1. The past

2. The mind

3. Regrets

4. Worry

5. Other people

6. Unhelpful behaviours

7. Blaming

8. Comparing

9. Addiction to drama

10. The future

All of these behaviours and preoccupations contribute significantly to feelings of unhappiness. I believe for each one you tackle – by engaging more with your soothing system along with more adaptive coping strategies, which I’ll be teaching you – you have the opportunity to be happier than when you started.

Throughout the book you will work through a four-step process for dealing with each area by looking at:

• Why you are struggling and what the underlying psychological processes are

• Solutions for how to move forward

• What commitment is required

• How this will improve your life and contribute to your happiness.

The only requirements are an open mind and allowing a little time to think over the material I’m presenting. It will also be useful to have a notebook to use as a journal so you can write down your thoughts and record your progress at various points.

I wholeheartedly believe there will be insights here that will help shape your life and future happiness.

A FEW PRACTICALITIES

I have changed the names and amended details of any clients, stories or case studies mentioned in the book. This is to protect anonymity and of course respect the stories of people involved. Any similarities are purely coincidental.

Whilst I hope this book can offer great help and support to you, please always seek professional guidance and support if you are struggling to manage. The book isn’t therapy in itself but offers tools to help you cope and move forward with the areas that are keeping you stuck. I provide a list of support organizations at the end of the book.

But for now, let’s get started as we move to the first chapter on your journey to a happier life.

CHAPTER 1

STOP LOOKING BACK, YOU’RE NOT GOING THAT WAY

It was week four of a twelve-week group programme for ten very depressed clients. I was a newly qualified therapist in the early days of my career. I had a nice circle of chairs set up and a scented candle burning, and I was even wearing my therapist cardigan. What could go wrong? In short, everything! All of the clients in the group were angry, frustrated and disillusioned with everything, and that included me. I was stuck and they were stuck. The only comfort in the room was the wafting smell of the lavender and ginger candle.

Suddenly one of the participants, Angela, a recently divorced mum of two young children, declared, ‘Therapy is bullsh*t, all we do is sit and complain.’ There was rapturous applause from the group and there it was, my therapist light bulb moment.

I had an intuitive urge to ask everyone in the group to stand up, which I did. In truth I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do with them but I knew I had to do something. I had to think on my feet, knowing that the ‘Hokey Cokey’ or a group hug wasn’t going to cut it in this instance. Trust me, ten angry, depressed clients are not an easy audience and I momentarily felt like I was in the lion’s den!

Then something quite magical happened. As the group stood up they suddenly quietened and a new mood of curiosity entered the room. Doing what any therapist would do, I commented on the change of atmosphere. A reply soon followed from Angela: ‘Well, at least now we’re doing something to get us out of this mess.’ It was the doing something that opened the door to new possibilities.

More quick thinking was required on my part. I realized the only props I had in the room were a window looking out onto a nice view of some trees and a dark, crumbling wall on the other side of the room. I decided these polar opposite views would be my tools. The window would represent a future that looked more hopeful and the dark wall would represent all the difficulties in the past that helped maintain depression.

I asked the entire group to form a line while I explained to them what the window and the wall represented. Then I asked them to turn towards the side of the room that represented what they would like therapy to focus on. Almost perfectly synchronized, they all turned towards the window. There was silence as they looked out onto the trees and a tangible sense of calm entered the room.

I then asked them where they felt their attention was focussed most of the time in everyday life. Again, perfectly synchronized, without hesitancy, they all turned towards the wall. None of the group said anything as they continued to stare at the wall. After a moment’s silence, I asked a simple question: ‘What do you think might be the problem with spending a lot of time focussed on the wall?’

This time the reply came from John, a twenty-four-year-old who rarely spoke in the group.

John’s career as a professional sportsman had ended suddenly after an accident caused serious injuries. He felt hopeless and was struggling to move forward with his life. He gently said, ‘If I stay stuck looking at this wall, I have my back turned to the future.’

And at that moment, amazingly, everyone independently and unprompted turned back towards the window, some slowly, some reluctantly, and some more deliberately. This was to be our focus in therapy for the remaining weeks.

We agreed together as a group that the dark wall would always be there but rather than ignore or deny it, they would learn from those dark past experiences to help them move forward.

Working with this group changed how I worked as a therapist. Early in my therapist’s career I truly became aware of the detrimental impact of holding on to the past. What I noticed most was that my clients were either trapped going over events from their past or felt they had to follow unsustainable rules they’d created as a means of self-protection during or following unpleasant past events. When they started to let go of what no longer served a purpose, symptoms of depression lifted like a fog and happiness emerged from a place of great darkness. The entire group began to recover as, step by step, they started to let the past be.

It was incredibly humbling and a privilege to be part of this process of healing. Each week the atmosphere in the room lightened, laughter increased and at the final session everyone in the group brought an item that would remind them of the process. I was struck most by one woman, Jean, who brought a blank white page. She held it up and said, ‘I’ve brought this today because I have a chance to write a new, more hopeful story.’

There was a sudden cheer from the group, a few tears and a tangible sense of optimism in the room. A completely different atmosphere from twelve weeks earlier. I should mention that I ditched the cardigan and scented candle.

There’s a good reason that the first chapter of this book focuses on the past. Everyone reading this will have ‘stuff’ from the past that is getting in the way of life today. It could be violence in the family, bullying as a child, poverty, hardship, abuse, rejection, disappointments, failures, or things that didn’t work out. The list is endless, as is the impact! It’s not only the events that create issues though; it is also the rules and beliefs we learn from our past that sometimes keep us stuck. For some this can be like living in a straitjacket, with little psychological flexibility. I’ll talk more about this later.

By the same token, almost every client I work with arrives at therapy feeling trapped in the past. Often, they have no idea how to get free. Many years back, I myself arrived in therapy for the first time, aged twenty-two. I thought I needed some help with worry and told the therapist I was otherwise ‘pretty sorted’. Boy, was I in for a surprise! I started to explore how my past was impacting on me and realized why I was almost paralyzed with fear. Therapy was the most liberating experience of my life. Ironically my therapist was a nun and a truly amazing woman. I worried at the time she might be judgemental or be the wrong fit for me. That fear subsided when she said, ‘You’ve had a pretty sh*t time, and deserve more. Let’s put away the stuff you don’t need. I think it’s time for you to shine.’ I have never forgotten that.

Back to the past: I’m not advocating that you attempt to simply erase from your mind any difficult stuff from your past and pretend it hasn’t happened. That doesn’t help. Indeed, my experience is that it can make things worse. Yet I believe you can begin to come to terms with your past and learn to manage it. You can become victorious rather than victimized. You can flourish rather than flounder. All of this is a choice. Your past can be a teacher, a motivator, an influencer, and part of your successes. But you need to allow it to do that.

It’s important for me to be honest with you from the outset. There are no magic wand solutions to moving forward from your past. It’s not a case of repeating a mantra and your issues are all gone. I wish it were that simple. I believe that unless you deal with your past, your future happiness is compromised. With that in mind, I have developed a four-step approach that will help you navigate your way through this.

Using this process, I will be teaching you how to let go of what’s holding you back. The four steps are:

1. Understanding why you become stuck

2. How you can move forward

3. How this will contribute to a happier life

4. Commitment to making the necessary changes.

Let’s be honest, you won’t want to read another sentence of this book unless there is something for you to take away. I promise there is much for you to take away that will change how you live your life. This book does not just provide understanding. It will provide guidance and insight on how to detach from the stuff that is getting in the way of your life and your happiness. The past is a good place to start.

WHY YOU BECOME STUCK

I want to start with some questions, and the reason for this is that they may link closely with your past. It’s important to understand that. Take a little time to ponder these statements and ask yourself if any of them resonate with you:

• I often have thoughts that are self-critical, self-judgemental or self-deprecating. I’m hard on myself

• I avoid taking risks

• I worry a lot

• I find it hard to like myself

• I soothe my emotions with drink, drugs, shopping, gambling or sex

• I ruminate on the past a lot

• I feel flat and lack motivation

• I feel stuck

• I avoid people, places or new situations

• I get angry quickly

• I worry I’m repeating negative patterns I’ve witnessed

• I compare my life to those of others

• I seek validation and reassurance from others

• I feel dissatisfied with my life

• I get overwhelmed sometimes.

If one or all of these statements ring a bell with you, then welcome to your humanity. All of the above are likely closely linked with experiences or learnings from your past so this chapter will have something to say to you.

Most people are struggling with something, but they tend not to share it on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. I encourage you when reading this book to be mindful that you are in good company, with many readers (and the writer) tuned in to your struggle. As the old saying goes, ‘We are all in the same boat.’ I’m simply offering some oars, life jackets, and a few flares to get you on your way.

The problem with the past is that it lays the foundations for some challenging behaviours or unhelpful patterns that you might have developed in your current life. Most of the negative thoughts and emotions we experience – anxiety, depression, anger, addiction or hopelessness – can be linked to past experiences. The past is often what keeps current negative patterns alive. The two areas of the past that I witness people struggle with most are:

1. Unhelpful rules or beliefs that they have learnt or inherited

2. Negative or traumatic experiences.

I will tackle these separately as they both require individual attention.

RULES AND BELIEFS

Rules about how you live your life can be helpful but, unfortunately, many are not, especially if they are inflexible or create distress in your life. I’ll share a personal example. In my own life as an Irish Catholic I was taught to always be a good person (with the threat of going to hell if I wasn’t). That was the rule I was taught to abide by. The upside of this is I try to lead a decent life. The flipside is that I learnt how to be hard on myself. Sometimes I experience unnecessary guilt and so I have had to work towards unlearning this rule. I sometimes joke when I’m giving a talk that my personal mantra used to be, ‘If it feels good, it must be bad.’

As children, we are not in a position to know what we can let go of. We simply inherit all of these rules and beliefs from families, cultures or religions. But that doesn’t make them right or healthy.

I suggest that you stop to reflect on some of the rules or beliefs that impact negatively on your life. Remember, not all rules are bad. Some can be beneficial. Focus here on the rules in your life that feel restrictive for you. They usually tend to be prefaced by should or must. I’ll explore later in the chapter how to let go of these influences from your past.

Examples of some unhelpful rules I hear every day in therapy are:

• I must be perfect

• I must not fail

• I must never disappoint

• I should be better

• I must never do anything wrong

• I must be the best

• I should succeed at everything

• I must be a good person.

It is also important to be aware that these beliefs can also flow into how you believe other people should be or behave. For example, if you have a belief you should be perfect, then you might have unrealistic expectations of everyone else. This is never much fun for the partners of perfectionists!

Take a moment here to write down in your journal a few of the rules or beliefs that create challenges for you and make life a struggle at times. The easiest way to do this is to look firstly at the areas you struggle with in life. You can then figure out how your rules might be influencing that. This will then enable you to make decisions about which of those rules serve a positive purpose in your life and which don’t. Take your time with this and don’t be surprised if you feel emotional at times. This is totally normal.