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It’s important to understand that most of our thoughts are automated processes and link closely with our life experiences, culture, rules, beliefs and predisposition. This is how our neurological pathways develop thought patterns. In simple terms, we have often formed habitual ways of thinking that are the ‘norm’ for us but not necessarily helpful. Don’t fret though because, like all habits, thought habits can be unlearnt.
Look at the statements below. They represent some habitual unhelpful thinking styles. How many of these are familiar to you? Take a little time with this to try to see how many you can personally identify with.
• I won’t be able to do it
• I’m not good enough
• Nothing good ever happens to me
• Everything is terrible
• It has to be this way or I won’t do it
• I think someone else will be better for the job
• This is a disaster
• It’s not my problem
• This is not fair
It doesn’t matter whether you tick one or all of the above, the important thing here is that you recognize your unhelpful thinking patterns. Let us explore a little further how these ways of thinking impact the mind.
• If you engage and cooperate with a mind that tells you you won’t be able to do something, then in life you are unlikely to take any risks.
• If you listen to a mind that tells you that you’re not good enough, then you will transmit that vibe to the world and those around you.
• If you take seriously a mind that tells you that nothing good happens for you, then you lose sight of any positive or joyful events that do occur.
• If you cooperate with a mind telling you everything is terrible, then life will feel terrible a lot of the time.
• If you abide with a mind instructing you that it has to be this way or nothing, then you become inflexible and rigid. This is an uncomfortable way to live.
Most of these negative ways of thinking are simply habits of thought, not facts. I am going to repeat that. Most of what you think is thought, not fact. The challenge is how you decide to relate to your thoughts. If you believe the content of your mind to be the gospel truth, then you will struggle, and happiness will be absent. The freedom comes when you decide not to believe absolutely everything your mind is telling you and when you realize what you can let go of.
Every person reading this book will have an area of their life that their mind is getting in the way of. It might be a relationship issue, making a change, going for a promotion, making a fresh start or taking a risk. I would encourage you to list now three key areas in your life that feel blocked or limited by your mind, your way of thinking.
Would you like your thoughts to have less hold over your life?
If yes, then you are halfway there. The motivation to change is a large part of the journey.
HOW YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD
Considering the complexity of the human mind, changing your thought patterns might seem like a mammoth task. But you can do it, using a few simple techniques.
I have developed a four-step method to change your thought patterns, which I will guide you through. To start with, this will feel unusual, as the brain will likely want to revert to old patterns. The trick is to persevere. You are teaching the mind to respond in a different way. In time, healthier responses will become the new normal.
STEP 1: ACKNOWLEDGE AN UNHEALTHY THOUGHT
Acknowledging an unhealthy thought pattern is a little like appeasing someone who wants to get your attention in some way. If you ignore them or push them away, they may keep coming back until their needs are met. When you acknowledge your mind, even while it is not operating in a functional or helpful way, you are immediately taking control of your thought patterns. You are saying to your mind, ‘OK, I see you are there and I’m acknowledging you.’ Automatically you take back a little control and break old patterns.
STEP 2: CREATE SPACE
When the mind is creating negative or unhelpful content you have a choice in how engaged you become with it. Remember, they are thoughts, not facts. During my time as a psychotherapist I have come across numerous techniques for creating space in the mind. My favourite is the ‘movie director’.
Visualize your thoughts as if they are playing out on a movie screen. You are simply watching all of the content of your mind. You have two options:
1. Either you can climb into the movie set and engage with the action. It will produce lots of drama. It’s not likely to prove helpful.
2. Or you can observe and watch the movie, like a director. Then decide on the content you want to let go of.
The second option will allow you space to stop and breathe rather than accepting your thoughts as true. Remember you are not overthinking or analyzing the thoughts, you are simply letting go. You are directing your mind. It is not directing you.
STEP 3: EXAMINE THE EVIDENCE
Sometimes the mind can create some harsh material for us to digest:
• You are rubbish
• You are a failure
• You are ugly
• You are stupid.
If you’re going to listen to and engage with such content surely you owe it to yourself to ask whether it’s 100 per cent true? And if so, where is the evidence?
When you think about it rationally, your mind likely won’t be able to provide irrefutable evidence. And you have the opportunity to provide it with alternative evidence. Even if there are examples where things haven’t gone to plan, this won’t have happened every time. For example, the thought ‘You are rubbish’ can be challenged. You can provide examples from your life when you have succeeded, achieved, connected and loved. As there is plenty of evidence to suggest that you aren’t rubbish, assuming ‘I am rubbish’ can’t be an automatic process any more.
STEP 4: LET GO
The mind’s unhelpful content often arrives with intensity and force. It can sometimes seem impossible to challenge it. However, this four-step process provides you with a strategic, disciplined approach to letting go of your unhelpful thoughts. Acknowledging the mind, creating space and examining the evidence places you in a perfect position to let go of the unhelpful thoughts. With practice and patience this process will become more routine.
The following tips may also be helpful to support this process.
• Try to lower the stress barometer of your life. The mind produces more intense thoughts when your emotional barometer is high and these are harder to step back from.
• High cortisol and adrenaline will speed up the mind and create more activity. Physical activities can help you burn off stress.
• Lifestyle or work–life balance is essential.
• Healthy foods reduce some excitability in the mind. Explore some of the online resources that have countless suggestions for healthy mind foods.
HOW THIS WILL CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR HAPPINESS
Research, particularly from the world of mindfulness and anxiety treatments, shows the benefits of this process. Disengaging from the unhelpful content of the mind leads to:
• Improved motivation
• Clearer thinking
• Improved decision making
• Better relationships
• Improved self-confidence
• Greater productivity
• Balanced moods
• A more rational perspective
• A calmer mind
• Clarity.
I am sure you would agree that in a world crowded with noise, creating space between you and your mind is a no-brainer (pardon the pun!). Who wouldn’t want these benefits to lighten the load in a world full of challenges? We all spend way too much time attending to our minds’ thoughts, believing that’s where the answers are to be found. The reality is that the solution is often found in challenging those thoughts.
COMMITMENT
Remember, I am not saying you should never try to attend to your thoughts again! But if you’re struggling, you are likely giving way too much attention to your negative thoughts. Committing to engaging less with these thoughts is an important act of self-care. Essentially, you are standing up to your mind’s unhelpful thinking and saying, ‘Enough is enough.’ With this commitment, you will find empowerment and strength.
You will generally feel happier.
I invite you now to write down your commitment to yourself for what you will do to challenge negative thoughts. Remember, you are paying less attention to your mind because much of the negative content it creates is getting in the way of your life.
For example, the commitment could be: I commit to reminding myself that I am not the content of my mind and that thoughts are not facts.
Whether it’s work, relationships, family matters, your future, how you look, your weight or any area that is causing you difficulty, the same rules apply for all. Engage less with the unhelpful thoughts.
CASE STUDY
Julie is a forty-year-old mum of two young children and working full-time as a bank manager. When she came to my private practice for therapy she was exhausted, anxious and not sleeping well. Her initial goal in therapy was to learn techniques to cope better at work as she was about to be promoted and take on more responsibility.
As I began working with Julie, I soon discovered that she was clearly a very competent, loving mum. She loved her husband and enjoyed her job. Her external world was relatively stable. Initially I wondered whether it was the sheer volume of responsibility that was causing her issues. We discussed boundaries, time management and all sorts of techniques. This wasn’t helpful. Every week she would return to therapy in the same tired, anxious emotional state. We were clearly not on the right track.
It was around the fourth session when Julie came in, sat down and cried for nearly fifteen minutes before she spoke. When she had composed herself I asked her how she was. She replied, ‘It’s still the same.’ I asked her what ‘it’ was. ‘My mind.’ I asked her to describe what that was like – and her description provided the solution.
Julie described a mind that was on hyper-alert the entire time: thinking, worrying, planning, wondering, questioning, doubting and self-criticising. Although her presentation was theoretically in line with diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder, I was less interested in labelling her with a diagnosis. For me, measurable improvement is much more important. It was very clear to me that the root of her current problem was linked to how she was relating to her mind. We explored this further. She was paying attention to all of her mind’s activity. She was over-engaging with the thoughts, trying to work them out.
Despite the content of her mind – often self-critical thoughts – she eloquently described the tone of her mind. It was like a head mistress telling her she wasn’t good enough and that she was failing at everything all of the time. Such thoughts were creating anxiety and exhaustion as she tried to battle them.
I asked Julie the following questions:
• Have you ever acknowledged your thoughts just as thoughts, not facts?
• Have you ever created any space between you and your thoughts?
• Have you ever examined the evidence as to whether these thoughts are true?
• Have you ever considered that you can let these thoughts go?
It will come as no surprise that the answer to every question was no. From that moment our agenda for therapy was set and Julie embarked on her journey to pay less attention to her negative thoughts. She worked on the techniques, practised between sessions and within a few weeks she started to improve considerably. Her anxiety dropped, her sleep improved and her energy returned. Julie was no longer a slave to her mind.
Julie’s distress ultimately wasn’t caused by the challenges of her external world but by her relationship with the internal wrangling of her mind.
Julie’s story is not uncommon. Sometimes accepting negative thoughts as true without question is the primary problem but, more often than not, it is accompanied by other difficulties. Nevertheless, the mind is the epicentre of all our experiences, so mastering these techniques will liberate you in more ways than you can imagine.
If Julie’s story strikes a chord with you, I encourage you to pay close attention to your commitment to the work in this chapter. While all of the work in each chapter is important, the mind’s impact on our wellbeing can seem less obvious, but it is vital. Take control of your mind and you are on the road to regaining more joy in your life. Regrets will lessen, which, as it happens, is the next step on our journey: learning to manage regrets that are getting in the way of your life.
SUMMARY
• Thoughts are automated processes and many are negative in nature.
• Thoughts are not facts.
• Learning to stop, create space and observe the mind, rather than buying into its narrative, will ease distress.
• Always examine the evidence for negative or critical thinking.
• Happiness comes when you detach more from interacting with the mind’s chatter and learn to become the peaceful observer.
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