Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

CHLOE SEAGER grew up in East London with her Mum and much-loved cat, Katie. She studied English Literature and Drama at the University of East Anglia, where she sadly realised she couldn’t act, but did rediscover her love of children’s books.

Children’s Literature was one of her favourite modules, and it made her wonder why grown-ups ever stopped reading them. She now works with YA and kids’ books full-time. Chloe lives back in East London with her boyfriend and pet fish.

Copyright

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2018

Copyright © Chloe Seager 2018

Chloe Seager asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Ebook Edition © August 2018 ISBN: 9780008221188

Contents

Cover

About the Author

Title Page

Copyright

Contents

Monday, 3 November

Tuesday, 4 November

Wednesday, 5 November

Thursday, 6 November

Friday, 7 November

Saturday, 8 November

Sunday, 9 November

Monday, 10 November

Tuesday, 11 November

Wednesday, 12 November

Thursday, 13 November

Friday, 14 November

Saturday, 15 November

Sunday, 16 November

Monday, 17 November

Tuesday, 18 November

Wednesday, 19 November

Thursday, 20 November

Friday, 21 November

Saturday, 22 November

Sunday, 23 November

Monday, 24 November

Tuesday, 25 November

Wednesday, 26 November

Thursday, 27 November

Friday, 28 November

Saturday, 29 November

Sunday, 30 November

Monday, 1 December

Tuesday, 2 December

Wednesday, 3 December

Thursday, 4 December

Friday, 5 December

Saturday, 6 December

Sunday, 7 December

Monday, 8 December

Tuesday, 9 December

Wednesday, 10 December

Thursday, 11 December

Friday, 12 December

Saturday, 13 December

Sunday, 14 December

Monday, 15 December

Tuesday, 16 December

Wednesday, 17 December

Thursday, 18 December

Friday, 19 December

Saturday, 20 December

Sunday, 21 December

Monday, 22 December

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

Monday, 3 November

posted by EditingEmma 15.00

Not to be dramatic, but Everything’s. Going. WRONG.

These were supposed to be the ‘best holidays ever’. And yet…

I’m bored.

I’m so bored, I’m boring myself by talking about being bored. Even my own blog is bored of me. I can hear it sighing as I type.

I wish I had something more interesting to write about, but what do you do when your best friend (Steph) is off making her new and exciting relationship official, and your other best friend (Faith) is sunning herself in Madeira? I’ve run out of clothes to design, too. I cannot possibly make any more clothes!! I’ve designed ALL THE CLOTHES.

posted by EditingEmma 15.19

‘Andrew Morton is in a relationship with Stephanie Brent’. 11 mins

They did it, then. Huh. It’s funny… I knew it was coming, but somehow it’s still a bit strange seeing it. I sort of feel like my name should be up there.

posted by EditingEmma 15.32

‘Andrew Morton is in a relationship with Stephanie Brent and Emma Nash’.

24 mins

That’s better.

Steph messaged me:

Hahah! How did you do that?! Sx 15.29

Logged on and changed your name to ‘Brent and Emma

Nash.’ 15.29

Very good. 15.30

Now I’m bored again. Ughhhhh. I bet Steph and Andy are making out right now. I bet Faith is lying on the beach getting an amazing tan. This was supposed to be my new and shiny life!!! Where’s my new, super attractive lover? Where’s my exotic holiday?!?! How can all my friends be off doing cool and interesting things, whilst I’m just sitting here twiddling my thumbs?!??

Still, I suppose it’s an improvement on last term…

Welcome To My New Life

So, last term I was basically the most miserable, mopey human being on the planet after being ghosted by my ex-boyfriend Leon. I spent a lot of time moping on social media, THEN a lot of time trying to fill the Leon-shaped hole with other boys who just wouldn’t fit using social media, which turned out to be the worst idea anyone’s had since Garlic Coca-Cola.

BUT, as a result of all the drama that ensued, good things actually came out of it. I decided to stop stalking Leon (and his super-perfect girlfriend, Anna) and other boys and focus on myself, my interests and friends, and since doing that I have felt so much better about myself. It’s official. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a real, passable human being and am actually excited about things other than a new update from Leon. I’ve quit Biology, which I only ever really took because Leon was taking it (probably one of the worst and most pathetic decisions I ever made in my life). I’ve designed enough new clothes to dress a fleet of penguins (I’m not actually suggesting dressing penguins, but you get my point) and I’m having so much fun with my new fashion blog… (Even if Steph does roll her eyes every time I spend more than five minutes hashtagging.)

In terms of my friendships, I’ve created an ingenious new chat group for me and my pals called ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds’. It’s where we can post pictures of ourselves doing everyday things to keep each other in the loop. The more mundane the better. These things may seem pointless and uninteresting, to the untrained eye, but actually over time will bring us closer together and give new and fresh perspectives on each other’s lives… Like…before, I could always conceptualize Steph running a bath, or comb-straightening her hair, but now I actually get to experience it with her.

Faith actually left the group three times, but eventually I wore her down.

All in all, things are technically going OK, I suppose…

So why am I feeling so miserable?!

posted by EditingEmma 16.34

The Best Pal’s New Loved One

Thought about ringing Steph but managed to resist. Sigh. This time last week, believe it or not, me, Steph and Andy were INSEPARABLE.

OK, maybe not inseparable… I mean, I tried. I really did. I thought, if my BFF is going to be with this guy then surely we must be BFFs as well, right?! I guess I assumed that because we both love Steph, and Steph loves us, there’d be some sort of chain there. Like, by proxy, that must mean that I’d love Andy and he’d love me. But it seems as if maybe that’s not the case.

First, I organized this early Halloween celebration (on actual Halloween Mum made me go to a pumpkin-carving class to ‘check out the fit pumpkin carver’) so that we could start bonding ASAP. I dressed as Gandalf, because who wouldn’t want to be friends with Gandalf?

I was mega excited. Hanging out with Steph and her first proper boyfriend was to be a monumental landmark in the history of our lives. I documented it throughout the evening in ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds’. (This was actually the third time Faith attempted to leave the group; screenshot below.)

Faith Connelly

Why did you just send me a picture of your hallway? 18.31

And your street? 18.32

And your mum’s car? 18.35

And Steph’s street? 18.43

And Steph’s hallway? 18.45

PLEASE LET ME LEAVE THIS GODDAMN GROUP. 18.46

But weirdly, me and Andy didn’t slide as seamlessly into being BFFs as I thought we might… Here are some things I learned that evening, about hanging out with your best pal’s new loved one:

1) Watching Them Bond With Your Friend’s Family Will Feel A Bit Weird

I walked into the kitchen, where Andy was standing with Steph’s sister Jess, putting different flavours of popcorn into bowls. They were laughing together about something, and for a moment I felt this weird rage… Almost as if I was being invaded. Like…hey…that’s my Steph’s sister, not your Steph’s sister. What if the Brents like him better than me?!

It also felt kind of mature. Suddenly mine and Steph’s lives were flashing before my eyes, and we were ancient old women knitting each other spotted nose-warmers. It made me feel like running around the room waving my arms in the air…and also a little bit like mooning them.

Anyway, eventually they stopped their freakish bonding. I think they were distracted by my beard.

2) They Might Not Appreciate Your Costume Genius

In stereotypical boyish fashion, Andy had a plastic mask on top of his head and otherwise looked completely normal.

‘Oh hey,’ he said. ‘Nice…beard.’

‘Why thank you.’

‘I thought you were into fashion?’ he asked, genuinely.

3) They Might Not Appreciate Your Comedy Genius, Either

As I was trying to get to the bathroom, Andy was standing blocking the door. We did that awkward little bobbing-from-side-to-side thing trying to get past each other, until eventually I said,‘You shall not pass!’

He smiled, but it didn’t really reach his eyes.

The evening wasn’t terrible or anything, but I guess we just didn’t totally…integrate? A lot of the time it was just me and Steph laughing together, like how we normally hang out, but, er… With someone else in the room.

I spoke to Mum about it, and she said it sounded as if Andy might feel like a bit of a third wheel, because me and Steph are…well, me and Steph. So then I thought, all right, obviously I need to try even harder to make this work. The next day I ditched the Gandalf outfit as, clearly, he’s not for everyone. I organized bowling, shopping, a trip to the zoo…Hell, I even suggested horseback riding. I photobombed all their selfies. I made little matching bracelets. I bought t-shirts that said ‘The Three Musketeers!’ on them…

… But alas, when I accidentally bowled in the wrong alleyway, knocking down some kid’s pins (who then started crying), Steph creased up, but Andy seemed a little embarrassed. Steph wore her bracelet with pride, but Andy covered his with his sleeve. When they discovered me lurking in the background of at least 75 per cent of their pictures, Steph rolled around on the floor with laughter screaming, ‘It looks like you’re about to KILL us!!’, but Andy seemed somewhat puzzled and afraid.

Though our special t-shirts proclaimed a deep and meaningful camaraderie, it seemed as if neither of us were really feeling it.

Evidence: Making friends with your friend’s partner isn’t as easy as you might think.

I don’t want this to sound as if I don’t like him or anything. I do. He’s perfectly nice. But I just don’t want to spend all my time with him, and he definitely doesn’t want to spend all his time with me.

Eventually, Mum suggested that whilst ‘focusing on my friendships’ was a noble effort, perhaps it doesn’t always mean being together every waking moment, perhaps it sometimes means giving them some space. And whilst getting to know your best friend’s boyfriend is a necessary and worthwhile thing to do, perhaps we both needed some alone time with Steph too. I had to agree that this three-way relationship wasn’t working out, and we’ve since split Steph 50/50…which is totally fair.

I know now that Mum was right. Really, it was ridiculous that I thought we were going to be able to spend as much time together as we did before. Obviously they need alone time and given we spent a hundred per cent of our free time together, something was logistically just going to have to change (because despite what Mr Crispin said in my latest report, I can do basic maths).

The only thing is, when you’re used to spending all of your free time with someone and then you get left with half of it, no matter how fair it is…you are still left with a giant, gaping hole to fill, and a general sense of loss, misplacement and confusion.

I’m so lonely.

posted by EditingEmma 16.20

I never thought it would come to this, but…I’m even, dare I say it, a little bit tired of masturbating.

Hum diddly dum.

posted by EditingEmma 17.54

Yes! Found a brilliant distraction from my pathetic wretchedness. I was just walking past Mum’s laptop, completely innocently, on my way to get a banana from the kitchen and…it was open on a dating website. I couldn’t resist taking a look. (If she really wants me to ‘respect her privacy’, she’s going to have to at least close her tabs. I mean, come on.) It’s clearly a new site she’s joined as she hadn’t answered any of the questions. I decided to help her out:

How do you feel about meeting someone new?

• I’m ready for a new relationship

Too keen. Also she’s blatantly still hung up on her stripper ex-boyfriend Olly.

• I’m not looking for a relationship

Then why would you be on here? Go on Adult Friend Finder.

• I’d rather not say

That’s very cagey.

• Let’s see what happens

I’ve gone with this because it is the only response that is halfway normal.

Relationship status:

• Never married

• Separated

• Divorced

• Widowed

• I’d rather not say

What is it with this ‘I’d rather not say’ business? If anyone is actually ticking the ‘I’d rather not say’ option under ‘relationship status’, they should really just make a box for ‘married’. Because that’s what it means, isn’t it.

Children:

• Yes

• No

• I’d rather not say

Genius. I’ve clicked ‘I’d rather not say’.

Personality type:

• Adventurous

• Confident

• Easy-going

• Funny

• Generous

• Reserved

• Sensitive

• Sociable

• Spontaneous

• Other

Hmm… I suppose I could put ‘easy-going’ just to be ironic.

Now picking out hobbies. ‘Going to the doctor about various illnesses you don’t have’ isn’t on here so that’s pretty much half her life out. I checked salsa and t’ai chi. I was actually really proud writing about her business and her interior designing stuff, she’s done so well to start her own company… And to raise a child ALONE at the same time… I should probably be nicer to her. Probably.

The thought crossed my mind, thank God I’ve got fashion designing, now, because ‘internet stalking’ and ‘masturbating’ apparently don’t count as proper hobbies.

posted by EditingEmma 17.38

WE HAVE A MESSAGE. FROM ‘JOHN247’.

It says: ‘If beauty were a time, you’d be an eternity ;)’

To think, just thirty seconds ago I was so eager to read this message from this strange man. I feel dirty.

posted by EditingEmma 18.36

Mum stomped upstairs yelling, ‘EMMA! EMMA!’ as if I wouldn’t hear her.

‘WHY am I getting email notifications from strange men saying they’d be happy to give me a full body work-up? Or that I’ve clearly got a case of beautiful womanitis?’

‘It’s better your potential future partner knows about your hypochondria now, Mum.’

Then she launched into a lecture,‘You’ve got no respect for me, blah blah’. Rather ungrateful, if I do say so myself.

‘I was just trying to help!!’ I defended.

‘I don’t need your help.’

‘I think you do, Mum.’

‘I think you’re the one who can play full episodes of Pretty Little Liars in her head, without even turning on the TV.’

She had me there. Anyway, then she stormed off. Woops.

Evidence: Just because you’ve stopped looking for love yourself, don’t interfere in other people’s love lives. Lesson learned.

posted by EditingEmma 23.26

Nagging Thoughts

I’m trying to sleep, but I keep thinking about things. I know it’s completely, completely irrational, but… I feel kind of afraid. Steph’s beginning this whole new thing without me. This feels different to anyone else she’s dated (e.g. Jonno and his fascinatingly small head). It seems…more important somehow. Older. And in all honesty, I’m completely, selfishly terrified. I’ve put all my eggs in one basket and suddenly I’m being expected to share them. Andy’s eating my eggs.

The second thing is that damned, unrelenting thorn in my side: my horniness. I’m usually fine with masturbating but…I don’t know… Ever since being with my ex-boyfriend Greg (who I misguidedly dated to get over Leon, which, even though I did like Greg a lot, was an awful idea) I guess I’ve realized that even if boys can be a little bit…um…inexpert at aiding you with your horniness, they still, somehow, manage it just by being there, in a way that is somehow a bit more fulfilling than masturbation.

I know. More fulfilling than masturbation. Who knew?

So now, all I keep imagining is being with someone who is good at aiding you with your horniness, who is not you, and well…it’s a nice thought.

And a little bit incompatible with being alone.

I’ve tried to quiet my horniness by ignoring it. I really have. Sort of like how leaving a baby alone wailing in a room instead of holding it is meant to be character-building. But thus far my horn hasn’t shut up and developed a good, strong personality, it just keeps persisting louder and LOUDER.

The third thing is…UGH. I hate admitting this. The third thing is that even though I have stopped stalking Leon online, I have occasionally stalked him in my mind. Sometimes his name just comes into my brain. Or his face. Or a moment we had together. Just like one of those stupid montage videos they make of you and another person…but IN MY HEAD.

It’s not all the time or anything, but…it happens.

Anyway, this is most likely because I’ve been on my own a bit these holidays. Everything’s probably fine. I’ve got too much time to think, that’s all. Stupid thoughts!!!

Steph’s coming over tomorrow, thank God. I can stop thinking about myself for a bit and just listen to her talk.

Tuesday, 4 November

posted by EditingEmma 16.08

Steph’s Growing Up

Steph just left. I feel a bit emotional.

‘So how did it go with Gracie??’ I started, as she settled down on my bed. Given that Andy is not just any first-proper-boyfriend, he’s also our friend Gracie’s brother, it makes the whole thing slightly more complicated.

‘It was actually really nice,’ said Steph.

I nearly fell off the bed in shock. ‘Really nice?’ I repeated. ‘With Gracie?’

Gracie, My Ex-Frenemy

In amongst a lot of other antics last term, another massive thing to happen was my fight with Gracie. She did something which hurt at the time (i.e. posted my secret blog online and kind of ruined me getting back together with Leon…) but actually, her doing that made me realize just how not worth it Leon was and also that in focusing so much on my terrible love life, I’d failed to notice how terrible our friendship had become. We’re on much better terms now. The other day we all went out together and we didn’t snipe at each other once. (Apart from when she said mozzarella is the best kind of cheese, which is clearly wrong.)

Still, I must admit I’m surprised by her being OK with this. I wasn’t expecting Steph to make it out alive. But apparently, after Steph admitted that she really likes Andy, but said it didn’t have to go any further if Gracie had an issue with it, Gracie apologized to Steph for making her feel like she couldn’t say anything about it!