Conversations with the Psychologist

Irritation, Anger And Rage: How To Break The Vicious Circle?

Question: “Recently, I get irritated with everything. I get mad with everyone around me, and I yell and insult those who upset me. I even fought with my boyfriend. At the moment of anger, I feel that I cannot control myself. After an outburst of anger I feel better – but then I feel ashamed and guilty for my behavior and for upsetting those close to me. What can I do? How can I learn to deal with anger and control myself?”

Irritation, anger, and rage are links in one chain – emotional reactions to the environmental discrepancies between a person’s inner requirements (that is, the discrepancy between the desired) and the reality (the actual). We expect that we will be treated fairly. For example, we expect that our relatives will respect us and listen to our opinion. We expect that government employees will do their work correctly and in the specified time.

Every time our expectations fail, the gap is filled with irritation and anger. Every time someone breaks our rules and the terms of our agreements, or acts against our will, we are challenged to react and show irritation. We may accept this challenge or we can reject it. The choice is ours.

The intensity of irritation can also be estimated on an emotional scale from 1 to 10:

1. Light irritation

2. Irritation

3. Discontent

4. Disappointment

5. Unwillingness to accept the situation

6. Anger

7. Resentment

8. Hatred

9. Rage

10. Fury

When we accept that the outside world can control our emotions, we allow for a very easy and convenient excuse not to assume responsibility for our own actions and reactions.

“I’ve had enough! He drives me mad! I can’t take it any longer!” This is how we often summarize the unpleasant experience of our own anger.

When you accept that other people have the power to influence the situation and your emotions, you are not only shifting the blame onto them, but you waive your right to influence the situation and have a choice of how to react. You put yourself in the position of being a victim.

We must avoid feeling like we are victims of external factors. Of course we can’t influence what other people are doing, but it is within our power to control how we react to events, and what decisions are made. So, freedom lies within this small space between the stimulus (the event) and our reaction to it. We should not surrender this freedom to those people or events that irritate us.

Next, I will describe how we can work with anger problems using cognitive-behavioral therapy.

PREPARATION: Weighing the Pros and Cons

The main thing to realize when dealing with anger is that you have the right to choose. In our lives, there are a huge range of things and events that we can not control. These include the weather, the past, other people, intrusive thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions.

But there is something that we control-our ability to make choices. We choose what to do in bad weather (for example, take an umbrella with us); we choose what lesson to learn from the past; and we decide how to respond to other people and what to do with intrusive thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions. The main idea is that we can either choose to focus on what is beyond our control, or on what we do control. can

I guess that you, like me, will choose the second option.

We may not be able to control anger, but we have full control over what we do with it. We can be angry and passive, angry and aggressive, or angry and assertive in our actions. The choice is ours. Anger speeds up our reactions and can give the illusion that there is no choice involved. But there is always a choice, and when we recognize our right to make a choice, we become stronger.

1. Destruction of the Rules “Should/Must”

The first step is to recognize that the rules “should and must” should be destroyed. We apply these rules to our own reactions as well as to the behaviors of others. We also try to comply with other peoples’ rules. For example, we demand: “He must listen to my opinion,” or “They should not interfere in my life,” or “I must control the situation.” But in reality, people don’t listen. They often interfere in our lives, and we don’t control situations and the results of our actions.

To begin with, we can acknowledge circumstances as they are, accepting reality rather than fighting against it, trying to change it, or denying its existence. We do not control other people, but we control our choices. do

Furthermore, based on our values, we choose the direction in which we will move. How do we understand our values? Values are the basis of the rules “should/must,” the breaking of which angers, frustrates, and enrages us. Ask yourself: “What positive value was included in my rule?”

“He must listen to my opinion” may imply the importance of communication, understanding, and cooperation. “They should not interfere in my life” may imply the importance of values such as freedom, respect, and self-development.

We are not in a position to control or force other people to follow our rules. We only control whether  do. we

And, finally, we begin to act according to our values. Ask yourself two questions: 1) What do I want to get in the long run? and 2) What constructive steps can I take towards this direction?

People can ignore your demands and wishes and violate your rules. What can you do when this happens? You can continue to adhere to your values, respecting your own rights and principles and cultivating honesty in dealing with other people. Thus, you will be part of the solution, not the problem.

2. What Causes Pain?

The second step is to analyze what hurts when your rules are violated. Breaking some rules directly hurts self-esteem, affecting one’s sense of self-worth and worldview. For example, when your rule is violated, you may think: “I am a victim,” or “I am helpless in this situation,” or “The world is unjust.”

And, of course, most of all, we are hurt by our inability to change the behaviors of other people.

At this point, it is useful to think about the following: “There is no reason to believe that I can change the behavior of other people. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and beliefs. Everyone has their own values and rules. Perhaps the behavior that I regard as violating my rules is actually an attempt to help me, from this person’s viewpoint.”

Then I can consider myself not as a victim, but as a person who is offered help.

3. Negative Automatic Thoughts

The third step is to develop answers to negative automatic thoughts arising when anger strikes through the formulation of more rational, balanced arguments.

Negative: “How dare he!”

Rationality: “He thinks he can help me.”

Negative: “He must be so stupid.”

Rationality: “We are all people, and no one is perfect.”

4. Anger

The fourth step is to respond to the anger arousal itself. We can practice relaxation (progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, and music relaxation). Or we can change the meaning of anger for ourselves, perceiving anger as an energy useful for problem-solving. It is the energy to achieve the right result and to do the right thing that corresponds to our values and principles.

Anger becomes a problem if we use it in violation of these principles. It is a problem if we use this energy to treat people other than we would want to be treated. It is a problem if this energy fuels aggression. Anger can be used for creative purposes and for positive and principled actions.

5. Moral Reinforcement

The fifth step is to analyze what beliefs turn your anger into aggression. This rationalization justifies destructive behavior. “He deserved it,” “I want them to be hurt as much as they have hurt me,” “This is the only way they will understand that they can’t do this to me,” “To hell with them-I’ve had enough,” or “I do not care” are examples of these rationalizations.

We must admit that these beliefs are counterproductive and contrary to our moral values as they involve threats, sarcasm, accusations, and insults. We can remind ourselves of the costs of such strategies and turn to others (such as patience, understanding, compassion, and tact) which reflect our values and beliefs more accurately.

6. Aggression

The sixth step is to analyze the individual types of behavior that arise with anger. It is important to understand that by allowing ourselves to act aggressively, we violate the rights of others. We can change this by trying to empathize with those who cause our irritation and anger.

Put yourself in their place and imagine what they think and feel, then try to understand their point of view.

This will help:

1. To reduce anger.

2. Reduce the anger of the other person.

3. Increase the possibility that we will be heard.

4. Increase the possibility that we will be able to enter into a rational and reasonable discussion about the situation or behavior causing our anger.

7. The Result

The seventh step is to reduce feelings of shame and guilt. Many people consider every episode of anger as a recurring failure, a defeat, and an inability to cope and control themselves. But every episode of anger can be turned into a step towards victory over failures if we analyze and change our non-productive “should/must” rules, anger-supporting beliefs, and the negative automatic thoughts and behavior we use when we feel anger. Thus, the episodes of anger will occur less often and become less intense.

This seven-step program is a mechanism for dealing with aggression. Anger is usually perceived as an instant reaction and loss of control. But we can learn to see anger as the energy arising when our expectations are not met, when they conflict with reality. This energy can help correct the discrepancy. Thus, the most important decision that we need to make is how to use this energy.

Separating the work with anger into step-by-step process will help you realize that you choose to not lose control, and are able to cope with anger episodes to prevent future outbursts.

Even a very conscious person sometimes falls into the trap of his own anger. How he then feels will depend on his ability to use special tools.

Self-development and understanding how to control anger and how to keep your cool will be achieved gradually, step by step, year after year. Practicing anger management gives us the experience to effectively manage our emotions.

Good luck!

Life Revision

Question: “Recently, I heard that in order to attract success in your life, you need to get rid of all that’s unnecessary to clear the space for new and better things in your life. It’s easy to do that in a house by clearing the clutter and making space for new things. But how can I make a revision of life? When should it be done? And what if the results are still not satisfactory?”

Our lives are hectic. Days pass with routines, vanity, and haste. We have so many commitments and tasks to complete that we hardly ever get to think about our own lives. But the truth is: we only have one life. Today is not a dress rehearsal for tomorrow, which means that we must live well, happily, and in love and joy, today. In order for this to happen, it is useful to periodically conduct a so-called “revision of life,” asking yourself a series of questions aimed at identifying problematic aspects in this or that area of life.

Here are the areas that I recommend you analyze.

Relationships With Oneself

We can analyze how we care for ourselves and our health, our self-satisfaction, and the presence of fears and anxieties, personal goals, aspirations, and motivation. Here is a recommended set of questions that you can ask yourself to help analyze your relationship with yourself.

Am I comfortable being alone with myself? Do I know my real self, hidden under many layers of habits and psychological defenses?

Does the image of myself that I demonstrate to the world suit me? If not, why am I afraid to show my real self? Is it the fear of being judged? Or is it a fear of being rejected?

With whom is it easy or difficult for me to be sincere, and why?

How do I take care of myself (eating, sleeping, walking, exercising, medical checkups, beauty treatments, shopping, talking with friends)? Can I allocate more time to doing things that are good and useful for me, and less to things that bring no value or which don’t benefit my health and wellbeing?

To live a full life, you need to discover a true self. To live happily means to be who you really are, not what you or someone else would like to see in you. We all have fears. We often deceive ourselves and not accept who we are. But harmony and happiness come when inner tension from rejecting one’s self is replaced by an understanding of one’s own characteristics and awareness of one’s uniqueness.

Having understood your “self,” you can evaluate what aspects of your life suit you and how to change your life so that your outer self corresponds better to the inner self.

Personal Life

What do I feel about my current situation (in a relationship, in a marriage, or without a partner)?

What do I like or do not like about myself in the context of my relationship with my partner?

What aspects of our relationship cause me discomfort (financial issues, sex, disrespect, or the lack of attention)?

Do I like us as a couple?

Do we listen to each other? Are we able to hear each other’s needs?

There is a saying that “relationships are multiple mirrors.” In these mirrors, we see how some aspects of ourselves are reflected in our partner. We love and appreciate what we like, try not to notice what causes discomfort, and when we want to break up the relationship, we start “throwing stones” at the mirror, saying: “This relationship doesn’t work for me, because he/she…”

It is useful to think about what causes discomfort because this will help you to better understand yourself and your own way of life. It is necessary to focus on yourself and not on the apparent shortcomings of your partner.

Try to identify repetitive patterns in your relationships, and change the situation or your attitude towards it. When discussing the situation which upsets you with your partner, avoid accusations. Instead of “you do/do not do…,” say, “I feel that…” or “I feel hurt when…”

Relationships With Others

What kind of relationship did I have with my relatives, as a child? Could I express my feelings?

What impression do other people usually form about me? Is it consistent with my own self image?

What common themes constantly emerge in my relationships with other people?

Am I satisfied with how I communicate with others? Am I able to listen or help? Am I inclined to judge? To obey? To envy?

Our past experiences influence relationships with our children, relatives, friends, and colleagues. World outlook, attitudes, and behaviors form in our childhood. The care that a child receives early on lays the foundation of trust he develops for others. The values that are instilled into a child during childhood shape their self-esteem, which later affects relationships with others.

To analyze your current problems, it is important to remember what the emotional climate was like in the family in which you grew up; how those important to you reacted to your victories and failures; and what worried or frightened or upset you when you were a child.

Try to identify topics that constantly emerge in your relationships with people. Perhaps there are some repetitive patterns and unconscious reactions to the actions of other people that cause you discomfort.

Work and Self-Realization

Do these two concepts dovetail, for me? Am I able to achieve both in my work?

Am I satisfied with my current job?

What was most important for me in my job at the beginning of my career: recognition, demand, income, interest, creative aspects, communication, or leadership? And what is more important at the moment?

Work is a huge part of our lives. Dissatisfaction with work can easily spread to other aspects of life. Analyze what’s bothering you in the workplace and try to distinguish between the problems associated with people you have to work with every day and the work itself.

Our values and priorities change over time. For example, at the beginning of one’s career, ambition and the desire to receive the necessary compensation for work are quite normal focuses. But, over time, something else may come to be important – for example, self-realization, recognition, team support, or independence.

Financial Position/Interests – Hobbies, Leisure, Travel

These facets of life can also be analyzed, as others in the examples above, to answer questions about the degree of comfort and satisfaction a person feels over their existing state of affairs. If satisfaction leaves much to be desired, think about what specific actions can be taken to correct this.

In conclusion, it is important to remember that anything, even desirable changes, can bring stress. Take time to conduct a “revision” of each area of life, but do not rush to answer all questions. Give yourself a few days to think and listen to your thoughts and feelings.

Take one facet of life at a time. You can start with anything: the one where things are most “painful” or the place where, on the contrary, you feel most satisfaction. Analyze what you are satisfied with and what you would like to change or improve. What do you want to get rid of? What habits or people have overstayed their welcome?

Sometimes, in order to solve a problem, it’s enough to just realize that one exists. Make a realistic step by step plan of change and gradually make it happen.

Good luck!

Midlife Crisis

Question: “I often hear about the concept of a ‘middle age crisis.’ Tell me, please: what is this and how is it defined? Does it only occur in men, or does it affect women, too? How does someone get over it?”

A midlife crisis is a long-term emotional state that occurs in middle age (from 35 to 55 years) and is caused by a reassessment of life experiences. Sometimes it is accompanied by depression. This crisis demonstrates that there are regrets about irreversibly missed opportunities, as well as anxiety associated with the advancement of a person’s age and awareness of mortality.

For example, a forty-year-old man can, for no apparent reason, give up a well-paid job, become depressed, start an extramarital affair, or even leave his family while isolating himself from all previously enjoyable activities and social connections. Often, neither the man himself nor his loved ones or friends can understand or explain such behavior.

Midlife crisis is a conditional definition. For some, it passes unnoticed, but others are struck by it with the force of a tornado. As a rule, dissatisfaction with one’s life accumulates gradually, drop by drop, until at some point the cup is overflowing. In addition, the crisis does not have clear boundaries. It can last for one year or can drag on for decades.

Symptoms of a midlife crisis include:

– feeling self-pity

– a sense of injustice in life, or feeling trapped in marriage or work

– depression and loss of interest in many previously significant aspects of life

– changing one’s circle of significant people

– change in value guidelines

– becoming eccentric

– sensing the meaninglessness of life

People of middle age perform a connecting role between the older generation of parents and the younger generation of children. They carry a load of social responsibility on their shoulders. This responsibility also brings with it social conflicts.

People regret that they did not achieve certain goals, have not completed what they planned, and that many goals have remained a dream. However, middle-aged people understand that they must live with problems and everyday concerns. They cannot either live in the past like their parents or, like their children, live in dreams about the future.

The first possible reason for a midlife crisis is the fact that the kids grow up and leave into separate, independent lives. While, on the one hand, parents get more free time for themselves, the problem is that, by then, many of them have lost or had to sacrifice most of their significant interests, and are not motivated to develop any new ones.

The second possible reason for a crisis is associated with relationships with aging parents. It is even more difficult if the parents suffer from cognitive impairment or are weak. So, any free time the parents get from not having to take care of their kids is transferred to taking care of their own aging parents.

This brings on a new wave of dissatisfaction and a feeling that life is passing by and that, even at midlife, there is no time for themselves. Old friendships also start to wane as people become preoccupied with their problems and don’t have enough time to devote to seeing friends.

Middle Age Crisis In Men

A midlife crisis in men often involves a rebellion against imposed rules. Men in this state are actively engaged in finding the answer to the question, “How do I find myself in life?” And this brings to the surface the old teenage complexes where “I want” replaces “I should.”

A middle-aged man reassesses his own life through the prism of missed opportunities. Looking over and rethinking his life values, he tries to find himself, but often follows a false path which leads nowhere. The conversations of men acquire a somewhat doomed and philosophical nature where life appears transient and short-lived and the end feels too near.

During this period, there is a reassessment of life values as well as career goals. Having achieved the desired social role, a certain status, and financial well-being, men undertake an “inventory” of values as well as their achievements, as financial wellbeing no longer gives a sense of stability and reliability.

Often, men start worrying about their health at this stage. They begin medical checkups, exercising, and dieting. This is caused by the fear of death and old age. Some may feel depressed or overly anxious, suffering from insomnia and mood changes that occur several times a day. For many middle-aged men, a moment of truth comes when, looking in the mirror, they discover they have a belly, wrinkles, or grey or thinning hair. These discoveries bring sadness and despair.