Conversations with the Psychologist

Fear of Aging

Question: “In recent years, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I feel a pang of fear. I see new wrinkles every day. I’m afraid of getting old. Every day, I just think about what procedure, therapy, or treatment I can do to stop my face and body from ageing. I feel sorry for and pity women older than me. I notice wrinkles on their faces, withered skin, and then I remember that I, too, will soon become like them. What should I do?”

We live in a very interesting time, when the stereotypes of many previously clearly defined concepts have been broken. One of these broken stereotypes is about age and how and when old age comes. People today live longer, and they feel better. Medicine continues to develop and improve. We have learned how to treat incurable diseases, prolonging the lives of previously untreatable patients. Economic conditions are better than centuries or even decades ago, we do less manual labor, we have more free time, and we preserve our health.

Today, people in their 50s and 60s can expect to live at least another 30 years. This is a time for feeling active, being in good physical shape, and leading a busy life.

Just 20—30 years ago, women were retiring at 55, and men at 60. Retirement was synonymous with old age-wearing relaxed clothes, walking with difficulty, and moving to a country home or a retirement facility. This was viewed as a quiet, serene time in keeping with the end of life.

A 50-year-old man, athletic and running, was an exception to the common rule, and a 50-year-old woman who was engaged in sports or dancing would have been perceived as somewhat odd. Those who gave birth after 40 were the rarest phenomenons, and travel was reserved only for the “young.” Pensioners had to live quietly and calmly, visit doctors, help their children, and live out their lives.

A modern man of fifty years feels well. He has a lot of strength. Some still have young children. And it is now “in fashion” to stay eternally young, because the only image of old age we have today is that outdated one from 30 years ago. The new image of an old person’s makeup has yet to be formed. We now witness the formation of a new generation, “the golden age,” consisting of people who are still active, who have opportunities and practically no obligations, and who conform to no social expectation.

There is not yet a clear example of the “new old age,” so the choices of those who are over 50 are very limited. Either prepare yourself for the traditional view of old age in the form of homebound and quiet living, or pick the model of young behavior (which is, in fact, inadequate, because the experience of older people is different from the young, and their desires are different, too.

And here we must ask the question: Is there really no alternative? And why is the choice so limited – that you are either young or old? What happens between youth and old age? After all, between these stages, there is a wonderful (and, by the way, the longest) stage of life called ‘maturity.”

Maturity is a stage of life where you are affected by the experience of your past years and the mistakes made as well as by your achievements in work, and by the mature and stable relationships in your life which influence your ability to fulfill many of your desires.

But many try to ignore the maturity stage. They may dream of being forever young and are afraid that by taking a step from youth to maturity, they will inevitably move closer to old age. Growing old is considered to be bad, awkward, and difficult. But it is also hard to be born, and it’s not easy to grow up. Life involves hard living – but how interesting and exciting it is!

The desire to look young, in general, has reached its peak. Advertisers are pushing products, goods, and services designed to help us look young at any age. But why try to look 20 when you’re 50 or 60? Do we really always have to look like University students? Why don’t we try to look like kindergartners when we are in high school?

We only have one life, and it is multifaceted. We live through many stages of life, and each stage is beautiful in its own way whether it be childhood, adolescence, youth, maturity, or old age. They are similar to stations on a wonderful train ride – the train ride of our lives. If you get stuck at one of the stations, you do not have time to enjoy all the pleasures of the next.

True maturity proposes a different behavior: awareness of oneself as a formed personality, at the same time developing an awareness of respecting one’s health, appearance, and clothing style. It is ridiculous to watch an adult dressed like a teenager, because he is trying to look 20 years younger. It may be more correct to try to look good and elegant, dressing in a style in keeping with your age and inner state so that your appearance doesn’t look funny, but instead looks natural.

Be yourself, love yourself, and take care of your appearance not to look like a high school girl, but to look like YOU. Be beautiful, charming, loved, and adored. Dream not about eternal youth, but about being independent, strong, and self-confident. And look at every wrinkle while remembering the unique experience and emotions you lived through – love, grief, joy, happiness, excitement, laughter, and tears. Should these all be erased from your life and memories?

Oscar Wilde wrote about the tragedy of Dorian Gray: “It was his beauty that had ruined him, his beauty and the youth that he had prayed for. But for those two things, his life might have been free from stain. His beauty had been to him but a mask, his youth but a mockery. What was youth at best? A green, an unripe time, a time of shallow moods, and sickly thoughts. Why had he worn its livery? Youth had spoiled him.” (Oscar Wilde, ) Portrait of Dorian Gray

Maturity is the time to enjoy life, update your wardrobe, pamper yourself with pleasantries, travel, and relax more. Don’t keep rejuvenating yourself but, rather, focus on looking elegant and well-groomed. After all, a mature person does not need to prove anything to anyone. In maturity, much has been lived, experienced, and also acquired. You have experience, strength, and wisdom. You’ve passed many tests of life, and you can just be yourself.

At this age, you can listen to yourself and organize your life the way you want. After retirement, you can find a new occupation for yourself that doesn’t necessarily have to be in your profession. Perhaps it will be an exciting hobby or a new business where you will be your own boss. The main thing is that what you do brings you pleasure, stimulates and motivates you, and makes you feel active and needed.

Yes, our appearance changes when we cross a certain threshold in life, but if you lead a healthy lifestyle, eat well, get enough sleep, exercise, and take good care of your face and body, your aging process will not be catastrophic. The fear of aging is particularly strong among those who are not sure if they can offer something to the world other than their appearance.

It’s important to feel the power of your personality and be proud of yourself no matter how many wrinkles appear around your eyes. Have you ever met a person who was not attractive in the usual sense, but who radiated so much charm that he charged those around him?

Do not worry that the beauty of youth and physical attractiveness will disappear in maturity. Worry that wisdom will not appear. The beauty of maturity and your confidence in the attractiveness of your charm, smile, personality, and respect and love for yourself are stronger than any “beauty boosts.”

Be happy!

Fear of Death

Question: “Recently, I often think about death. My parents died ten years ago. As I grow older, there are more and more deaths in the circle of family and friends around me. I am frightened by the unknown threats of death, and terrified to think that life passes so quickly. How can I cope with my fear?”

Death is difficult to ignore. One of the founders of existential psychotherapy, Irvin Yalom, in his book wrote: “The issue of death ‘itches’ continuously, without leaving us for a single moment, knocking at the door of our existence, quietly, barely perceptibly rustling at the very borders of the conscious and unconscious. Hidden, disguised, breaking out in the form of various symptoms, it is the fear of death that is the source of many worries, stresses, and conflicts.” Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death

It is very difficult for a person to imagine his own death. We imagine the process of dying from the words of dying people, but the state after death can not be imagined. Death refers to the predefined destiny of a human being, but one’s attitude towards death is different for each person, as this is represented by his own philosophical idea of death, formed by his previous life experiences. In addition, attitudes towards death change with age.

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