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HarperCollinsPublishers
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First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2020
FIRST EDITION
Text © Neville Southall 2020
Poems © Anne-Marie Silbiger 2020
Jacket design by Sim Greenaway © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2020
Jacket photograph © Allstar Picture Library Ltd/Alamy Stock Photo
Hand lettering © Charlotte Akers
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Neville Southall asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008403737
Ebook Edition © September 2020 ISBN: 9780008403751
Version: 2020-07-27
Note to Readers
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Page numbers taken from the following print edition: ISBN 9780008403737
Dedication
This book is dedicated to anyone who suffers, whatever their age, gender, sexuality, race or situation. Please know that you are not alone.
Contents
1 Cover
2 Title Page
3 Copyright
4 Note to Readers
5 Dedication
6 Contents
7 INTRODUCTION: Life and football
8 1 CONFIDENCE
9 2 PRESSURE
10 3 FEAR
11 4 ABUSE
12 5 FAILURE
13 6 IMPROVEMENT
14 7 MOTIVATION
15 8 RACISM
16 9 HOMOPHOBIA
17 10 ADDICTION
18 11 ALCOHOL
19 12 SOCIAL MEDIA
20 13 HELPING OTHERS
21 14 INEQUALITY
22 15 LGBTQ+ ISSUES AND SEXUALITY
23 16 MENTAL HEALTH
24 17 GETTING OLD
25 EPILOGUE: Be better
26 Acknowledgements
27 About the Publisher
LandmarksCoverFrontmatterStart of ContentBackmatter
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Introduction
Life and football
There are four elements of my personality that I hold most dear. The first three are trust, loyalty and honesty, and I don’t think you can have the first two without the third. If someone has something brutal to say but I trust them implicitly and believe that they’re loyal to me, I’d much rather that they say it to me straight than keep it hidden.
The fourth element is that I’ve always believed it important to have an open mind, to realise that you don’t know everything. Because I’ve discovered, and am still discovering, that I know absolutely fuck-all. And so everything I do now involves learning as much as I can about people and about their lives.
I find discovering – and being allowed by them to discover – things about people to be incredibly interesting, and it disheartens me that not everyone feels the same way. People should be open-minded. If they don’t know about something, then they should make it their job to find out rather than either closing themselves off to it or, worse, spouting a view about something that they’re not educated on. I’ve been burnt a few times where I’ve had opinions on subjects that I didn’t know enough about, so the only answer was to educate myself. Ironically, education then reminds us how much we don’t know.
I had the values of my parents hardwired into me. I think that’s how good parenting works, and goodness knows I’m not perfect. My mum and dad were great parents to me, because they lived by good values. Having said that, my dad came home from the war, where he’d been shot at, and he never spoke about it. He had been taught that the best way to process his feelings, his fears and his experiences was to bury them. That is what society preached.
I believe that the lack of communication hampered his generation badly, although people might not have appreciated this at the time. I don’t remember anyone ever asking my dad a single question about what he’d been through. I certainly didn’t. Nobody ever sat him down and asked if he was OK. We just assumed that if he wanted to talk about it, then he’d come to us. But he signed up to the army as soon as he could, with the idea that war would be a bit of fun and a chance to enjoy comradeship with others like him. And it became something far more serious than they had ever been led to believe or were prepared for.
The mentality of soldiers at war has always interested me. I read a book the other month about people who killed in war, what their feelings were afterwards and how they managed – or didn’t manage – to process them. There was a Japanese guy who was talking about being indoctrinated to hate the Chinese. His first bayonet practice was stabbing Chinese people. It became nothing. The army went into villages, raped the women, killed everybody. One day they were walking along a cliff and saw a woman carrying a baby. They were ordered to capture them. The woman wouldn’t stop crying, so one of the soldiers threw the baby over the cliff and the woman jumped after it. Having seen all of that horror, and been an active part of it, how could you ever cope?
When my dad was sat there waiting to fight, what was that like for him? How could he cope with being so helpless, when the only question of the day was whether he would live or die? When he had no choice but to carry on and continue to be strong – or be ostracised as a traitor? What goes through your mind when you’re eating your breakfast each morning? How do you walk in a line towards such unspeakable danger? These are human beings.
My dad was lucky – he got out. But the mentality of these people is extraordinary. They rarely processed it until it was too late, and they were expected to come home and fit in with normal daily life. The provisions were not there for them to do anything else, and we owe it to them not to make the same mistake with the current generation of young people who experience unspeakable things.
I like to think of myself as an experiment. How do you find out what works for you, and what makes you happier and a better person? I’ve learnt that the best way is to work on new strategies to solve problems and find out which are successful. It’s all a process of trying, failing and succeeding, of living and learning. That applied to my football career, and what I do now. They might be very different careers – and in some ways I’ve lived two lives – but the principles are the same.
With mental health issues, I have to think the same way. Approach it as a scientist would: if we start trying something and it doesn’t work, we’ll move on to something else and continue the cycle. If one of the things we try works, then great – we know that works. But let’s try something else too and see if we can make things even better, knowing we have an alternative solution if not.
As a footballer, you’re basically taught not to think about much at all off the pitch, and that cannot be healthy. What did I have to think about? I went into training, I did something that I really enjoyed but which came naturally to me. Someone told me what I was doing the next day and someone told me what I was doing on Saturday. The only time when I had to think was on the drive home. And when I got home, I didn’t want to do much thinking because I wanted to be rested and ready for the next match. Football challenges you in areas such as confidence, fear, pressure and motivation, but it all becomes part of one mass, one process.
You live your life around games. If you have a day off, fine. If you don’t have a day off, fine. But it doesn’t really change anything. You go to the airport, and someone from the club has your passport because they believe that you’re too stupid to keep it yourself and hand it to the customs officer without losing it. They tell you where to sit and how long to sit for.
I didn’t like lots of structure in my life, and I still don’t. A lot of footballers don’t, which might sound surprising. If a manager came into the dressing room and started giving me too many instructions just before kick-off, I thought, ‘Look, I’m going to stop goals going in. You really don’t need to give me lots of shit to do, because I’ll always just do the best I can.’ By the end I didn’t even really like team meetings.
I was always interested in the mentality of the manager in the ten minutes they have with the team directly before kick-off. They have to give the same message, but how do they do it in different ways to keep it fresh? That’s why Alex Ferguson was so brilliant, because he used different voices and different gears and different coaches. He kept changing to guarantee an impact. So if he took his squad to the same place three or four times, the message would be the same but delivered in a slightly different way. It all comes down to communication.
You get to the ground and there are people there that matter to you, but the thing that matters most is the match. I never thought about the fans, the public or anything – I just did whatever I needed to do to be the best that I could be. If I thought it was best that I went to the match early, I went early. If I thought it best that I went a little later, I went a little later. That’s a very selfish attitude, but you’re taught to be selfish. You have total tunnel vision. And the indirect result of that is that when anyone tells you to do something out of the ordinary, some cannot cope – and they kick up a fuss.
I know what I don’t know; that has always been one of my greatest strengths. I don’t have all the answers, or even half of them. I know what I know, and know how to use that to help myself and others, but I also know where my gaps are, in knowledge and in expertise. If you know what you don’t know, it’s far easier to be an open person than if you think you know everything. It’s easier said than done, and it takes work, but it’s worth it.
That’s why Twitter has been brilliant for me. Because if I don’t know something, and feel like I owe it to others to gain a greater understanding of it, I can quickly find someone who knows more and ask them. And at the start of each chapter of this book is a short tip or piece of advice from some of the people who I have relied upon in my education. When I reached out, they responded. Each of them does exceptional work in campaigning or raising awareness. At the end of each chapter is a short poem by the brilliant Anne-Marie Silbiger, who gave up her time for free to compose each one from scratch for the book. These are just some of the people I have met through Twitter.
I think the principle of reaching out to educate yourself applies to football too. There are too many people doing jobs in which they have to pretend to be experts on subjects that they don’t know enough about, and that leads to people leading others without having the best tools to help them succeed. At times in this book I’ll talk about football and at times I’ll talk about ‘normal’ life, but there’s a crossover at every point. What applies to football and to footballers invariably applies to life.
The main reason that I wanted to write this book is because people don’t just want to listen to someone talking shite. They want solutions, or potential solutions. They know what the problem is, and they’re desperate for someone to help them deal with it. But I also wanted to get across that I’m not just an ex-footballer. In fact I’m not a footballer at all anymore. I work in a special school, a school where it takes so much time and effort to get anything for the kids. I’m also a human being, and the public too quickly forgets that about our sportspeople and celebrities. We suffer the same high and lows, and are forced to deal with both in a very public arena.
People want some strategies. I believe – or hope – that I have some ideas on a number of subjects and that I can offer solutions. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have all the answers, but I want to start a conversation about how we approach certain topics and certain communities within society. We have let the most vulnerable communities in our society down for too long, and in truth this means that it isn’t a society at all.
In writing this book, I wanted to give myself a place where I can hopefully prove that a former footballer like me doesn’t just have to be defined by the job they had in the past, but also by the way in which they approached life after it. If this book can be helpful in offering an insight into that, brilliant. And if I can use the platform that football gave me to get through to people on a number of issues that I consider to be important – more important than football – then I’m very lucky.
I also wanted to create something that told people who are struggling that there are others who are thinking of them, so they know that they’re not alone; after all, it’s far too easy to ignore people and live in our own bubble. In putting pen to paper in this way, I hope to raise awareness and tell those who don’t think of others enough that they should. Because that’s the only way that our country will become more tolerant. Only by being kinder on an individual basis can we help to create a society that relies upon community and consideration for others.
This extraordinary year in our lives, during which we were forced to live in lockdown conditions and in fear of a deadly virus, has only increased that need to look after our own well-being and to increase our empathy and sympathy for those around us. I honestly believe that out of such misery something beautiful can be built, a society in which those who are struggling are not deliberately ignored or stigmatised. But it will take fight and unity, both on a personal and a community level.
So this is me. This book is as close to me as you can get. I played football for twenty-odd years, but that isn’t me now. I’ve done that. I’ve been asked 3,000 times what my favourite game was and I’ve answered that question 3,000 times. Football has certainly helped me in the second part of my life, and for that I will always be grateful. But there are other things that I’m interested in. I want to help people, and I want everyone else to help other people too.
1
Confidence
‘We fear failure and criticism, but have faith in yourself and show yourself compassion and still do what you want to do.’
Saiqa Naz, cognitive behavioural therapist (#AskSaiqa)
Every footballer goes through periods when they’re low on confidence, but I don’t think we view them in such psychological terms at the time. For me, I was just either going through good periods on the pitch or bad periods, and I tried to keep an eye on my outlook accordingly. Fortunately, I had more good times than bad.
If I was doing well, I tried not to think about my mood at all because I never needed to – football ruled all. But even if I was going through a patch of poor form, I never sat down and thought, ‘Right, I’m low on confidence now and that needs to change,’ because it was only ever correlated with my performances. Make sure they were good, or improve them if I needed to, and the confidence would look after itself. That was one benefit of being so obsessed with my career: football led everything else.
When you’re doing well on the pitch, nothing else matters. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like you’re flying slightly above the ground, with the usual roadblocks of life unable to affect you. The highs that success gave me meant that I was happy every day, as they made everything else fall into place. During those times, even losing a match didn’t matter. I just saw it as a blip in a continuous upward trend.
When you’re a young player or young person, you’re desperate to make an impression, so you’re happy to be relied upon and take responsibility. You want to impress your friends, impress the people at work, impress your manager. As a goalkeeper, that’s particularly true because you know that pulling off great saves is the best way to get praise. Because most journalists and pundits have never been goalkeepers, they’re impressed by the spectacular. So when I was starting out at Everton in 1981, I was desperate to be busy.
As you get older and wiser, you realise that it’s better to be quiet as a goalkeeper. From then on, I honestly wouldn’t mind if I never even had a single save to make. I didn’t want to do anything – no dives, no catches, no chivvying of my teammates. If the defence could stop me having to get involved in the game, I was happy. It meant the team were performing perfectly. Of course, people would then say that I’d had an easy match, but it merely proved that our preparation had been perfect: I’d organised the defence well and they’d protected me.
That can be a tricky thing to appreciate, psychologically, because people are hardwired to be busy. It’s not in our nature to do nothing, and being busy builds confidence. As a goalkeeper, you’re like an emergency doctor on call, ready to help if something happens – and being paid for doing so – but actually better off not being needed at all.
When I first broke into the Everton team in 1981, I didn’t do that well. I don’t think it was related to confidence; I was just making the wrong decisions. I think if you’re truly low on confidence then it ends up with you not making any decisions at all, rather than making the wrong decisions. I was making decisions, but too often choosing badly. Working out which are the right decisions to make and which aren’t becomes a semi-automatic learning process, because experience shapes your behaviour and decision-making. Practice does make perfect, and always has.
What drove me on in that difficult initial period was my determination that I didn’t want my career to be defined negatively. I knew that if my poor decision-making on the pitch carried on for too much longer that I’d lose my best chance to establish myself in the First Division (as the Premier League was known at the time). So I needed to change it. I always wanted to be the best, so I redoubled my efforts. Now you might still think, ‘Oh fuck, not another mistake’ when they happen, but the determination to reach the end goal carries you through.
Being confident doesn’t mean that you won’t make mistakes, because everyone does in every job. I’m a firm believer that only by going through a shit time can you be prepared for the next time it comes around. It helps to give you a sense of perspective. Confidence is having the faith in yourself that you’ll learn from your mistakes, not that you won’t make any.
Some players find that harder than others, of course. Some beat themselves up for mistakes and in doing so make things harder for themselves the next time they find themselves in a similar situation. I also think that a lack of confidence can often lead to people looking for others to help them out, including their teammates on the pitch. How often do we see a player going quiet in a match when it’s not going their way? But the confident people will demand the ball, continue to take shots, try to create chances or come and claim crosses. Their confidence shouts louder than their mistakes.
Working through things yourself, however hard, is one of the keys to establishing confidence. If you prove to yourself that you can solve a problem, move on from it and put it behind you, it stands to reason that the next time you suffer a setback it will scare you less because you already have proof that you can respond to it positively.
When I was going through a tough time on the pitch and I wanted to try something that I thought might help me improve, I’d go straight to the manager or the goalkeeping coach, make the suggestion and explain why I thought it might work. Almost every time, they’d allow me to do it. And why wouldn’t they? Nobody knew my game better than me.
Maybe it’s easier for a goalkeeper, because the chances are that the manager isn’t a goalkeeping expert. But some gaffers can have set ideas about what a goalkeeper should be, based on who they have managed during their career, and that can put barriers up. Luckily there was almost always a circle of trust at Everton, where the coaches had faith in me getting it right and I trusted them enough that I would take their advice on board.
But my independence did occasionally get me into trouble. On the opening day of the 1990/91 season we were playing Leeds United at Goodison, and the team produced an awful performance. We were 2–0 down at half-time, and after going into the dressing room I realised that I needed to clear my head, away from the rest of the lads. I went and sat against one of the goalposts and just tried to get my head together to perform in the second half.
I’d actually done exactly the same thing a year earlier, during an away game at Wimbledon, but this time it became a story. I suppose the fact that it was at Goodison made it notorious, but the press picked up on it and turned it into a massive issue. They said that I had gone back out on the pitch in protest at Colin Harvey’s management. That was total bollocks, because it was just about clearing my head and restoring my confidence, but I can now see that it was badly timed.
Colin rang me that evening after the match, and he was furious about my actions. I explained the situation and my reasoning, which seemed to appease him, but when I saw him the next day he told me that the club was fining me two weeks’ wages and suspending me from all club activity.
Given that I thought I’d been mistreated, having explained myself fully, I asked my agent to ask Colin if I could go on holiday if he didn’t want me around the club. I had no intention of doing anything of the sort – I hated holidays and wanted to train more than anything else in the world – but it did the trick. Colin was soon on the phone to tell me to come into training on the Monday, and I started the next game against Coventry City. I never did it again.