Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

When Princess Snowflake was seven years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You know the –’

But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

‘Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,’ she said. ‘King of the Pixies or something, nasty bloke, don’t go near him, blah blah blah. I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

And off she ran to explore the gardens, slipping on the icy floor and almost colliding with a little hedgehog called Chomley.

With each passing year Princess Snowflake grew more reckless, wandering further and further into the gardens to explore. The witches despaired, but there was nothing to be done and in the end, they gave up even trying to keep her indoors. ‘For she has a mind of her own, that girl,’ said one. ‘Which is fine, it’s just that sometimes it’s quite an annoying mind.’

One day shortly after her eleventh birthday, Princess Snowflake was exploring a part of the gardens she hadn’t been in before, her faithful spaniel, Gooseberry, at her side. Merrily she skipped along, scoffing her marzipan disobediences, Chomley the hedgehog racing after her to guzzle up the scraps.

Oh, how beautiful the gardens were! Waxy green holly bushes lined the pathways, so that it always felt like Christmas.Thick pines and fir trees rose all around, like something from a picture book, and the flowerbeds were bursting with every sort of winter plant and herb imaginable: snowdrops and white pansies; snapdragons and turkeybane; Shoveller’s Delight and puff-puff-mcguffs; inside-out Nigels, wizard-foot, beards of Persia, frogleytumps, moth-whipper – and many more besides. Everything sparkled with a layer of diamond-dusty white, and the only sounds were the crunching of the snow underfoot and the soft breeze whispering in the branches.

At length, Princess Snowflake came to a little wooden bench set back from the path, and there she sat herself down to watch the world go by. The witches had put up signs all around the bench, saying:

BEWARE THE GYPSY KING!

and

DANGER! THE GYPSY KING IS KNOWN TO OPERATE IN THESE PARTS!

and

YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET NOT READING THESE SIGNS ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOUNG LADY, IN FACT I BET YOU’RE NOT EVEN READING THIS ONE RIGHT NOW, ARE YOU?

‘No, I’m not,’ said Princess Snowflake, which was true, because she wasn’t.

Presently a deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with an ‘A’. Then another, with an ‘N’. Then another, with a ‘G’. Then another, with an ‘E’. And then one more, with an ‘R’ painted on its side.

‘Oh, how adorable,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘Those letters must be the initials of each deer’s name! I bet they are called Daniel, Arthur, Neil, Georgina, Eleanor and Rum-Pum-Pum! Rum-Pum-Pum is my favourite!’

While Princess Snowflake had been sitting on the bench, she had let Gooseberry off his leash so that he could go and do his business in the bushes. (Gooseberry ran a small and very profitable furniture business in the undergrowth, selling small tables and chairs and suchlike to the other animals. Chomley the hedgehog was one of his best customers.)

‘Gooseberry!’ called Princess Snowflake at length. ‘Finish up your business and come and walk with me some more, there’s a good doggie!’

But no, there wasn’t a good doggie, because Gooseberry did not come rushing out of the bushes as he normally did, barking and smiling and with dozens of silver coins spilling from his mouth. Gooseberry was nowhere to be seen, and for the first time in her young life, Princess Snowflake knew what it was to feel fear. For the first time, she began to wish that she had listened to the witches. How long had Gooseberry been gone? Ten minutes? An hour? Even as Princess Snowflake rose from the bench to search for him, the day darkened and a cold, crisp flurry of snow began to fall. And as the snow fell, it sang:

Whisper, whisper so,

The wind and the snow

The Gypsy King

And his golden ring

Woe, woe, woe!

Whisper, whisper so,

The frostbite on your toe

The Gypsy King

Will only bring

Woe, woe, woe!

Whisper, whisper so,

The frozen ground below

The Gypsy King

In the fairy ring

Woe, woe, woe!

‘What do you mean by this sinister and quite catchy rhyme?’ pleaded Princess Snowflake – but the snow would say no more.

For a moment the world stood still.

And then, suddenly, the Gypsy King jumped out from behind a tree. He was strong, with rippling muscles, and he wore hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he had proud boots. And in his huge cruel hands he held Princess Snowflake’s darling companion, Gooseberry.

‘I’ve done it again,’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘All the legends about me were true, I live in the gardens and I snatch up spaniels and do what I like.’

‘I hate you,’ said Princess Snowflake, throwing herself to the ground and weeping hot, bitter tears that melted the snow all around her. ‘What do you want with Gooseberry? He is only a spaniel and part-time furniture salesman! But he means more to me than all my riches put together! Please, please! I will give you all the land of the town – from the Lamonic River to Boaster’s Hill! From the Stone Table to the Forest of Runtus! From the meanest hovel to the Winter Palace itself – it will all be yours, if you will only return Gooseberry to me, you unbearable devil!’

But the Gypsy King merely laughed and put Gooseberry’s face to his lips. Then he kissed Gooseberry’s little face, once, twice, three times! And all at once Gooseberry was gone. But around the Gypsy King’s neck hung a chain that hadn’t been there a moment before. From the chain dangled a single glass bead, and inside the glass bead, tiny as a fingernail, was poor Gooseberry.

‘That was a bit uncalled-for,’ said Princess Snowflake indignantly.

But the Gypsy King merely threw back his head and laughed once more.

‘HA HAHAAHA AHA AHA HAAH AHAHAHA HAHA AH AH AHHAHAHAH AH AHAHAH AHA HA HA HA HA HAHAHA HHA AH AHA HA AH AHA HAHA HA AH AH AHAH HA HA AH AHHA AH AHHA HA HA AH AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA AH AHAH AHA HAAHAHA AHHAHAAH AHAHA AH AHA HA HAAH HAHAHA AH AHA AHA HAHA HA HA HAHA AHA HAHA AH HA HA HA HAH AH AHA HA HAH AHAHA HAAH A AHA AHA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA HAHAHA HAH AHH AH AHAHA HAH AHAHA HAH AHAHAH AHA HA HAHAHAH AHHA HA AHHA HAHAH AHAH HAHAH AH AHH AHAH AH AHA HAH HAHAH AHA HAHAH HA HAH AH AH AHAH AA HAH AH A AHA HA AHA HA HAHAHA HA HAHAH A HAH HAHAHA HA HAH AHA HA HA HAH AH AH AHAH AH AH HAH AH HAHAH AHHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAH AH HAHAHAHAHA AH AHA HAH A AHAHAH A HAH AHHAHA AHA HHA AHAH AHA HAHAAH AH AHAHA HA AHAH AHHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHA HAH AH AHAAH AHA HAHAHA AH HAH HAHA HAHAHHA AHAHA HAH AHHAHA HAHAHA HA HAH AHAHAH AHA HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AH AH A HA HAAHAHAHAHAHAH HAAHA H AH AH HA HA H AHH AH AH HAHA H AHH AHHAHA H AH HAHAHHA HA H AH HA HAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA H HA HA HA H HA HA A HAA AHA HA AH AH AHAHA AHH AH A AH AH AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AHAHAH AHA HA HA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH AHHAHAHAHHAHAH AH HAH AH AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AH HA HAHA HA AHA A HAHA AH AHAHAHAHAH A AHA AHAHA AHAHA AHAHA AHA A HAHA HA HAHAHAHA HA AHA HAHA AHA HA AHAHAH AHA HAHA HA AHA A HA AHAH AHA AH AHAHHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAH HAA HAHA AHA H A A AHAHAH AHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAH HA AHA AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA AHA AHA AHA AHA AHA HA AHA AH AHA H HA HAHAHA HA HA HAHAH HA HA HAHA HA AHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA AHA H HAAAHAAHAHAH H AH AHAHAHAHHAHAH AHAHAHA AHAH AHA AH H H H H HA AHA HA AHA HA AHAHA HA HA HAHAHA HA AHA HA HA,’ laughed the Gypsy King.

Actually the Gypsy King laughed quite a lot more than that, I only wrote a tiny bit of it. All told, he stood there laughing for over six hours, and Princess Snowflake could do nothing but look on helplessly, because she kept thinking, Surely it’s got to end soon, no one can laugh for this long, I’ll say something to him in a minute. When he’s stopped laughing. But it just went on and on.

Eventually, just as Princess Snowflake had made up her mind that enough was enough and she was about to tell him off for laughing so much and wasting paper, the Gypsy King turned, his cloak sweeping out behind him – and in a flash he had vanished, just as if he had never been there at all.

Poor Princess Snowflake. She was so distraught that as soon as she got back to the Winter Palace, she took to her icy bed and lay there with her face buried in the pillow, and none of the kindly old witches could rouse her. All that evening they knocked upon her chamber door, singing:

Let us in, let us in

Princess, dearie, let us in

For tho’ this life is full of sin

And trouble,

Princess, dearie, let us in

But Princess Snowflake cried, ‘Leave me to my sorrows! Begone from my chamber door!’

That night she dreamed a terrible dream. The Gypsy King was standing on a black rock amidst a great lake of fire, untroubled by the flames that licked at his boots and laughing with pure scorn. All about fell thousands and thousands of glass snowflakes, and in each one Princess Snowflake saw Gooseberry’s unhappy face. But when she tried to catch one of the snowflakes it slipped through her fingers like sand.

‘HA HA AHA HAHAHHAHA!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You will never get your little dog back, unless you know the thing that I am most afraid of in the world!’

The next evening, the kindly old witches came again to Princess Snowflake’s door, singing:

Let us in, let us in

Princess, darling, let us in

For we are here to help in times

Of trouble

Princess, darling, let us in

But again Princess Snowflake cried, ‘Begone from my chamber door! Leave me to my miseries!’

Once more she fell into a troubled sleep, and once more she dreamed of the Gypsy King, standing on his black rock amidst the lake of fire. And once more he laughed and said, ‘You will never know the thing I am most afraid of in the world! Someone like you could never know that!’

On the third evening the witches came again to Princess Snowflake’s door, singing:

Let us in, let us in

Princess, sweetheart, let us in

For when the going’s hard

And full of trouble –

But this time Princess Snowflake flung the door open wide and she fell to her knees sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

‘I told you she’d open the door on the third night,’ whispered one of the witches at the back. ‘Things always happen in threes in fairy tales. That’s a fiver you owe me, Liz.’

‘So you do have need of our help after all?’ asked the leader of the kindly old witches, who was called Cobwep, because her parents hadn’t known how to spell ‘Cobweb’.

‘Yes, yes!’ sobbed Princess Snowflake. ‘I have been an impossible child! But I can bear it no longer! Please help me, though I hardly deserve it!’

‘It is well spoken,’ said Cobwep. ‘Sleep now, Princess Snowflake, and we shall return tomorrow evening.’

Gently, Cobwep tucked the child into bed and kissed her goodnight. Princess Snowflake fell asleep with a smile on her face and this time, when she saw the Gypsy King in her dream, he shrank back and cried, ‘What! You have protected yourself with the thing I am most afraid of in the world! I hate you, you’re stupid!’ And he disappeared beneath the flames.

When the witches came back the next evening, they didn’t even have to bother coming up with another verse, for the chamber door was open to receive them.

‘We have returned to help you, as we said we would,’ said Cobwep.

‘Thank you, Grandmother,’ said Princess Snowflake. (It didn’t mean that Cobwep was actually her real grandmother, it is just what children always call old women in fairy tales, no one knows why.) ‘Can you ever forgive me for being so awful?’

‘Of course, child,’ said Cobwep. ‘For we only want to see you happy.’

‘Then will you . . . Will you help me get Gooseberry back?’ asked Princess Snowflake. ‘I am so lonely without him.’

‘We shall do what we can,’ said Cobwep. ‘But getting him back will not be easy. You must travel to the Realm of the Gypsy King, and you must travel alone. Are you ready to make the journey?’

‘I am,’ replied Princess Snowflake.

‘Then I shall tell you the way,’ said Cobwep, her face wavering in the candlelight like an old flannel. ‘You must go into the gardens at midnight, child, when the moon is fat and full.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And you must stick your tongue out, and you must eat the first snowflake that lands on your tongue,’ said Cobwep.

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a second time, and you must eat the next snowflake that lands on your tongue.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a third time, and you must eat one last snowflake.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must go up to the fir tree, child, the one that stands in the very middle of the gardens, where all the paths meet. And you must eat it.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘that’s – no, sorry, actually, hold on a minute. What do you mean?’

‘Just what I say,’ said Cobwep. ‘You go up to the fir tree, you open your mouth and you eat it.’

‘Let me get this straight,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘You want me to eat a fir tree?’

‘Yes,’ said all the witches together.

‘An entire fir tree?’

‘Yes,’ said the witches.

‘Can you do a spell to make it easier, Grandmother?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘I mean, I actually know the tree you’re talking about, it’s – there’s no way, I mean – it’s . . . Look, I’m not trying to be ungrateful but – it’s, really, it’s just – honestly, there’s just no way.’

‘Sorry, you’ll have to manage on your own,’ said Cobwep. ‘Anyway, we’ve got to go now, there’s another princess in trouble in Russia. She’s had her face stolen by ghosts.’

‘What, are you going to make her eat a fir tree too?’ shouted Princess Snowflake. ‘I can’t believe this is happening, seriously, what on earth are you all thinking.’

‘Bye bye, dearie,’ said the witches as they left to catch their aeroplane, which was an enormous broomstick driven by a cat. ‘You know what to do, good luck.’

Princess Snowflake lay awake until it was midnight. Then, hardly daring to think about the task ahead, out she crept in her nightgown, into the moonlit gardens of the Winter Palace. The night was deathly quiet and the snow was falling soft and thick.

Princess Snowflake stuck out her tongue and swallowed the first snowflake that landed upon it.

Then she swallowed the second snowflake.

Then she swallowed the third snowflake.

Then she went up to the fir tree which stood in the middle of the gardens where all the paths met, and she started eating it.

‘This is a complete nightmare,’ sobbed Princess Snowflake as she sat there chewing on a mouthful of bark. ‘It’s going to take forever .’

But each time she wanted to give up, she thought of Gooseberry’s innocent little face and she remembered how much the witches loved her and she told herself, ‘One more bite, just one more bite.’ So the hours passed, though every minute felt like a lifetime.

One more bite, just one more bite . . . And as the night turned to morning and the sun was rising over the gardens, Princess Snowflake realised that the entire fir tree was gone. So it just goes to show: you can do anything if only you believe in yourself. You can win the Olympics. You can become a professor. You can even eat a fir tree. You probably shouldn’t eat a fir tree unless you’re a princess in a fairy tale. Or a monster. Or a really big woodpecker. But you can if you like. But you shouldn’t. But you can if you like. But don’t.

As soon as Princess Snowflake had finished the last piece of bark, a glowing line appeared on the ground. Princess Snowflake took a deep breath and coughed up a few fir needles. Then, mustering all her courage, she stepped across the line and as she did so, the gardens of the Winter Palace disappeared and she found herself in the Realm of the Gypsy King. The earth beneath her feet was cracked and dry. A scorching wind blew. And there before her, standing on a black rock surrounded by a lake of fire, stood the Gypsy King himself.

‘So!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You have made it to my Realm, I bet you had to eat a fir tree or something, didn’t you? But the rules of this place are not like your world, you fool! Come and get me now, if you dare! But if you cannot defeat me, you shall be trapped here forever! AHA AH AAH AAHAHAHA HAAH AHAA HAAHHAAHAH AHA AHAHA!’

This time the Gypsy King went on laughing for nearly twelve hours, so I definitely won’t write it all out. Princess Snowflake waited patiently until the laughter was over and then she said, ‘Gypsy King, I care not for your atrocious lake of fire. For I have seen you in my dreams and now I know the thing you are most afraid of in the world.’

And she held out her hands and stood there with her palms open and empty.

‘Oh, no,’ said the Gypsy King sarcastically. ‘Hands ! Oh, no! N . . . Not h-h-hands ! Oooh, no, I’m terrified, oh no, oh, no! Oh, no! The hands are going to get me, oh, no! Not the hands !’

‘Oh, Gypsy King,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘It is not the hands themselves, but what they represent. Ever since I was a baby, those around me have worked to protect me and keep me from harm. I never used to listen to them for I was arrogant. But when I threw open my chamber door to let my friends inside, I also threw open the door to my heart. Behold, Gypsy King, for I have finally discovered the thing in the world you are most afraid of – THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER.’

At these words, Princess Snowflake’s hands were empty no longer, for in her left was clasped the right hand of Cobwep. And in Princess Snowflake’s right hand was clasped the left hand of Cobwep’s sister, Nightshadf. And then suddenly, there they all were – a vast army of kindly old witches, hands linked together as one, encircling the lake of fire in a chain of true friendship.

Princess Snowflake recognised some of the faces, like Cobwep, and another one called Granny Champion and another one called Roller Jane, who was one of the fattest witches ever born. But there were plenty of others she’d never met before, many thousands and thousands of them, and each one looking upon the Gypsy King with a mixture of pity and compassion which the cruel man could not bear. And now, as one, they started for him across the lake. And the flames weren’t even burning them because they were totally magic.

‘NO!’ shouted the Gypsy King, reaching for Cobwep and meaning to grind her to dust in his golden-ringed hands. But his brute force was no match for the witches’ kindliness. Slowly, slowly they closed in, throwing their arms around him and hugging him tight, tight as can be – and he was overcome. Down he went, down, down into the fray as the witches sort of beat him up with their deadly love and hugs and friendship like a weird dream.

‘Hang on a minute!’ shouted the Gypsy King as he disappeared from view. ‘The thing I’m most afraid of in the world isn’t THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER! The thing I’m most afraid of in the world is bees! How is this even happening, this doesn’t make any sense at all! How is this working?’

But it was too late. And the very last Princess Snowflake saw of the Gypsy King was his proud boots as they disappeared beneath the flames. And then even the flames were gone and all that remained was the vast army of witches and the little black rock. And standing on the rock was –

‘Gooseberry!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘Oh, and my parents as well, even though I’ve never seen you before, I recognise you!’

‘Hello,’ said Princess Snowflake’s parents, ‘we were snatched up by the Gypsy King on the day you were born and we have spent the last eleven years in his power.’

‘How come I didn’t see you in little glass beads dangling from the chain around his neck?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘Like Gooseberry was?’

‘He turned us into, like, sort of, these kind of little red stones, well, not exactly stones, but kind of like stones, which he kept in his shirt pocket,’ said Princess Snowflake’s father. ‘I don’t know why, he must have one system for turning dogs into things and another system for dealing with people. Anyway, it’s probably not that important, or not something we need to spend time worrying about right now. We’re back at last!’

‘Thank you for looking after our daughter while we were away,’ said Princess Snowflake’s mother to the witches. ‘I hope she wasn’t any trouble.’

‘She had her moments,’ said Cobwep. But she said it with a smile.

‘How lucky I am to have witches and parents and the prettiest little dog in the world!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘But best of all, I have learnt about friendship and accepting help from people.’

And Gooseberry barked three times: once for happiness to see his mistress again, once for joy to feel her arms around him again and once because it was a fairy tale and as you know, things always happen in threes in fairy tales. On Gooseberry’s third bark, the Realm of the Gypsy King was gone and there they all were, back in the gardens of the Winter Palace, with the snow falling all around and the birds singing and Chomley the hedgehog snuffling for treats like always.

A deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with ‘A’. Then another, with ‘N’. Then another, with ‘G’. Then another, with ‘E’. And then one more, with ‘R’ painted on its side.

‘Oh, how wonderful,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘It’s those lovely deer again! Daniel and Arthur and Neil and Georgina and Eleanor and my favourite, Rum-Pum-Pum!’

And Princess Snowflake was right. That’s exactly what those letters stood for. And when she grew up, Princess Snowflake married Rum-Pum-Pum, because it was the Age of Fairy Tales and you could do what you like back then, it was absolutely fine to marry a deer if you felt like it. Or a field, you could even marry a field if you fancied. And her parents moved back into the Winter Palace and Gooseberry became their butler, though he did charge quite a high price for his services.