Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

561 AD

The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber

Now, all this happened way back in the Dark Ages, when people still thought that the world was flat, not like today when we know it’s a sort of giant shiny cube.

In those distant, ignorant times, the whole of England was ruled over by Old King Thunderbelly, who lived in a grand castle in the middle of Lamonic Bibber.

One day, Old King Thunderbelly was strolling in the castle courtyards, which were not as magnificent as you might think. They were just all right. The best bit was a Swingball, but even that wasn’t brilliant because it kept tipping over if you whacked the ball too hard.

‘I am so crafty,’ said Old King Thunderbelly as he strolled around the courtyards. ‘For a start, I’m the king of the whole of England. And for another start, I can outwit anyone who crosses my path.’

But at that moment a crow crossed Old King Thunderbelly’s path.

‘Oho,’ said the crow. ‘So you think you can outwit anyone, is that what I heard you say, you arrogant king?’

‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Why, have you got a challenge for me?’

‘I certainly have,’ remarked the crow. ‘I bet you can’t keep me out of Lamonic Bibber.’

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘No, seriously, I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I really actually think I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘Listen,’ said the crow, ‘I honestly bet you can’t.’

‘No, you listen, you idiot,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I bet I can.’

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

Well, this argument went on for a day and a night and it was the most boring day and night either of them had ever spent, until eventually the crow said, ‘OK, then, king-features. Prove it. I will walk ten miles out of town and then I will try to get back in. And just you see if you can stop me.’

‘All right, I will,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

So the crow turned around and started walking out of town. And Old King Thunderbelly began to make his plans.

‘I will build a mighty wall all around Lamonic Bibber,’ said Old King Thunderbelly to himself. ‘How can a crow possibly get over a wall? It’s impossible. And I will put some guards at the entrances and I will give them strict orders not to let in any crows. My God, I’m crafty!’ he said, rubbing his hands together, which was the first time a crafty person had ever rubbed his hands together to show he was doing crafty things.

‘Now, how will I build a wall?’ mused Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I know! I’ll get my friend John to do it for me.’

Now this was certainly a wonderful idea, because Old King Thunderbelly’s friend John was a famous wall-builder, known far and wide for his enormous farts. And also for how good he was at building walls.

So Old King Thunderbelly took out some bits of wood and a hammer and a few bells and he invented the world’s first telephone. Then he invented the world’s second telephone. Then he went round to his friend John’s house and gave John a telephone.

‘What’s this?’ said John.

‘You’ll see,’ winked Old King Thunderbelly. Then he went back to his palace and dialled John’s number.

‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Is that John?’

‘No, it’s his wife,’ said the voice at the other end of the line. ‘I’ll just go and get John, he’s having a fart in the shed.’

‘OK,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

Soon John came to the phone.

‘Hello,’ said John.

‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Do you like this new invention? It’s called a “telephone”.’

‘Yeah, it’s brilliant,’ said John. ‘Now, what can I do for you today, Your Highness? Do you want me to build a wall or something?’

‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I want you to build a wall around Lamonic Bibber.’

‘Why, have you accepted a challenge from a crow or something?’ said John.

‘John, you know me well,’ laughed Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I certainly have.’

About three weeks later the wall was finally finished. John had worked day and night to build it, and it was probably the best wall he’d ever built. It was made out of stone and it was really high and there were spikes on it and every few hundred yards there were signs saying ‘NO CROWS ALLOWED’ and ‘KEEP OUT IF YOU ARE A CROW’. There were two gates set into the wall and at each gate stood two beefy guards, each holding a sharp silver sword, except for one of them who had forgotten his sword and was holding a massive garlic bread covered in tinfoil instead and hoping nobody would notice.

‘Now let’s see that crow try and get in,’ laughed Old King Thunderbelly.

Presently a traveller came up to the South Gate of the Wall of Lamonic Bibber. He was dressed in a fine coat of feathers and he had a beak and two wings and he was about the size of a crow.

‘Hello,’ said the traveller to the guards. ‘Do you mind if I come in through your gate?’

‘No, go ahead, we don’t care,’ said the guards. ‘Go right in.’

But as the traveller stepped forward, the first guard thought of something.

‘Hang on a minute,’ he said. ‘You’re not a crow, are you?’

‘Who, me?’ laughed the traveller. ‘No, of course not.’

‘OK, sorry to bother you,’ said the first guard. But just as the traveller was about to step inside, the second guard thought of something.

‘Hang on,’ he said, brandishing his sword. ‘You are a crow. Go away! It’s no crows allowed, those are our orders!’

‘Blast those guards,’ sulked the crow as he walked off. ‘They’re cleverer than they look. How am I going to get into Lamonic Bibber now?’

Well, that crow thought for a year and a day, and it was the most boring year and a day he’d ever spent. But eventually he came up with an absolutely brilliant idea, and when he came up with it a light bulb appeared above his head, and that’s how electricity was invented.

‘I’ve got it!’ said the crow.

About five years later, Old King Thunderbelly was sitting in the castle courtyards, having a sandwich and congratulating himself on outwitting the crow.

‘That was totally easy,’ he said to himself. ‘That wall did the trick no problem. It’s been years and years now and I still haven’t seen that crow around here.’

‘Oh, haven’t you?’ said a voice at that very moment. And looking down, Old King Thunderbelly was astonished to see none other than the crow himself, the very crow he’d been trying to keep out all this time!

‘How did you get in here?’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Surely my wall should have kept you out?’

‘Well might you think so, king,’ said the crow. ‘But there’s one thing you forgot about us crows,’ he continued, flapping his powerful wings triumphantly. ‘We are excellent at digging. I have spent the past five years digging a tunnel under that wall with my beak and finally I have won the challenge and you must give me all the land of the kingdom and let me marry your daughter and you must be my slave forever and fetch me rare minerals.’

‘I don’t remember saying anything about that,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘But OK.’

And that is how the elephant got its trunk.

THE END

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