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‘Of course. I shall give you a divorce any time you—’
Jordan’s laughter was so harsh that she flinched. ‘Oh, no, Katherine, that isn’t what I want! I’m sorry, I must have phrased it badly. Put it down to tiredness or whatever.’
He gave her a slow smile, his blue eyes playing over her white face. ‘In fact, what I want is just the opposite of what you imagined. I want to end the sham of the way we live by making our marriage a real one in every sense. I want us to live together properly as man and wife, to share a roof and a bed. And what I want most of all, Katherine, is a child.’
‘A child?’ She could hear the shock echoing in her voice, feel it rippling through her in waves. She stared at Jordan in disbelief, wondering wildly if she had misheard him. ‘You... you want us to have a child?’
‘Yes.’
‘I...I don’t know what to say. I never imagined...’ Katherine swallowed hard but her voice was still strained. ‘Why do you want a child, Jordan?’
He gave a wry laugh. ‘For all the usual reasons, I imagine! I’m no different from any other man in wanting a child to carry on my name and inherit all I have worked so hard to achieve.’
‘But why now, so suddenly, out of the blue like this...?’ She tailed off, unable to continue, unable to absorb what he was telling her and to make sense of it.
‘But it isn’t out of the blue. I’ve been thinking about this for some time.’ He met her eyes levelly. ‘I’m not getting any younger and I would like to have a child before I’m too old to do all the things a father should do with his son or daughter. But what about you, Katherine? Surely you want to have children while you’re still young enough to enjoy them?’
‘I... I never thought about it,’ she whispered hollowly.
‘Because you’re married to me?’
‘What do you mean?’ She stared at him in confusion as she heard the sudden bitterness in his voice.
‘Simply that you had put off thinking about having a family because of the implications.’ He shrugged, but his gaze was dark and intent. ‘It would entail sleeping with me, wouldn’t it, Katherine? And we both know how you feel about that!’
Her face flamed with angry colour and she stared back at him with stormy grey eyes. ‘Yes, we both know how I feel about that, Jordan. At least there’s no confusion on that score. It’s a pity that you aren’t as clear in your own mind about what you want and why.’
His brows rose, but he seemed more amused by her outburst than anything else. ‘Meaning what, precisely?’
‘That a child isn’t something you can bargain with like...like a clause in a contract! A child should be loved and wanted for the right reasons, not because it’s something you need to perpetuate your name!’
‘Oh, I agree, Katherine. I am in complete accord with you on that. It seems that you do have some views on children after all—even though you may not have thought about having a family yourself. Maybe you should do so now.’
He got up from the table. ‘In fact, that is what I want you to do—to think about what I have said very carefully before you tell me what your answer is. I’m afraid I shall have to stay here for the night as it’s too late to go to my club. We can talk about it again in the morning.’
He turned to leave, but Katherine couldn’t let him go like that. ‘You can’t really expect me to agree to such a proposal? It’s insane!’
He glanced back, his eyes shadowed by his lowered lids. She felt a frisson run down her spine as though he had physically touched her. ‘It isn’t insane at all. We’re married, Katherine. We can either accept that and try to make the best of it or we can carry on the way we are. Are you really happy with your life as it is at present?’
‘But why do you imagine that a child would make it better? It wouldn’t alter the reason we married, Jordan. It wouldn’t change that! Nothing can.’
She gave a shrill laugh. She could hardly believe they were having this conversation. A child! She couldn’t begin to think of what it would mean, how it would change her life. It would be the ultimate tie, of course, because she could never leave Jordan if they had a child...
Unlike her mother, a voice inside her whispered. Her mother had found it easy to leave her children because she’d had other needs. What if she was like that? What if she turned out to be like her mother in that respect as well...?
Katherine’s hands clenched as she tried desperately to hold onto her control, but it seemed to be slipping further and further away with each second that passed. ‘It’s out of the question,’ she said hoarsely. ‘There is no way that I shall agree!’
‘I don’t want you to give me your answer right away.’ He held his hand up when she started to speak. ‘No. This is too important an issue to make some hasty decision about. You need to think about it first.’
‘There is nothing to think about!’
‘Maybe you feel like that now because it’s been a shock.’ He shrugged, with an oddly tender smile playing about his mouth which startled her. ‘But once you think it through you may change your mind. You have a lot of love to give, Katherine. I know that from seeing how you behave towards your father and brother. A child would benefit from all that you have to give it, because you would make a wonderful mother.’
He left the room, and after a few moments Katherine heard the door to the spare bedroom closing. She sank down onto a chair, trembling in the aftermath of what Jordan had said.
A real marriage.
A marriage where she and Jordan would live together day by day, sleep together in the same bed, share all the intimacies of man and wife.
And a child. Jordan’s child...
She bit her lip as fear rushed through her in a great wave. The problem was that Jordan had no idea what he was really asking of her, but then how could he have? It was something she had never discussed with anyone; she was too ashamed to admit her secret fears.
How many times as she’d been growing up had she heard the comment passed about how like her mother she was? It had been meant as a compliment, because Caroline Carstairs had been a beautiful woman.
After Caroline had left, however, the comments had stopped abruptly. No one had wanted to point out the resemblance then, but the damage had been done. Katherine had been tormented by the thought that she might be like her mother in other ways, and all it had needed were those few minutes in Jordan’s arms to confirm her worst fears.
How could she allow that to happen again when the memory filled her with such shame?
She closed her eyes as the wave of fear engulfed her and she was drawn down into its dark depths. Yet how could she refuse and watch her brother’s life being ruined?
CHAPTER FOUR
SUNLIGHT poured through the window and touched Katherine’s face. She stirred. It took her a few seconds to realise that she was lying on her bed fully clothed, a few more before she remembered why...
She struggled to her feet, shocked to see that it was midday. She couldn’t believe that she had slept so late, even though it had been dawn before she’d crept into bed, exhausted by the effort of going over and over everything that had happened...
She felt a wave of panic wash over her as all the fears of the previous night compounded, but she made herself take a deep breath. She and Jordan had been too keyedup last night to talk rationally, but surely today would be different? If she could convince him that his demands went way beyond what was reasonable then maybe they could come to some amicable arrangement. After all, it wasn’t inconceivable that Peter might be able to repay the money Jordan lent him, if he was given enough time.
Katherine clung to that thought as she went to find him, but there was no sign of Jordan in either the sitting-room or kitchen. She glanced along the hall, wondering if he had gone out without waking her, then frowned as she saw that the guest-room door was firmly closed. Had Jordan overslept as well?
He was lying sprawled face-down on the bed when she eased the door open to peer into the room. He was still wearing his shirt and trousers although he had kicked off his shoes. He must have been exhausted to have slept so long, Katherine thought. But then he’d had that flight to contend with as well as everything else.
She was just debating whether she should wake him when he rolled over onto his back and started muttering a little. Even from where she stood, Katherine could see the hectic flush on his cheekbones, the beads of perspiration glistening on his brow. She frowned in sudden concern, wondering what was wrong with him.
The heat was what she noticed first as she hurried to the bed and bent down to look at him. It radiated from him as though his whole body were burning up. Tentatively she laid her hand on his forehead, and was shocked to feel just how hot he was. She was just trying to decide what she should do when his eyes suddenly opened to stare straight into hers.
‘Katherine...’
His voice was husky as he said her name in a way he had never said it before. Katherine felt the tiny hairs all over her body stand up as though he had actually touched her. She jerked her hand away and saw the shutters come down over his eyes as he suddenly returned to full consciousness.
He eased himself up on his elbow, then groaned. ‘God, my head hurts! What the hell’s the matter with me? I can’t remember having much to drink yesterday.’
‘You didn’t. From the look of you you’re running a temperature, I’d guess. Do you want me to call the doctor?’ She forced herself to speak calmly but she could hear the tightness in her voice. It was the way that Jordan had said her name just now, his voice throbbing with something, which sent ripples of sensation running through her as she remembered it.
He shook his head, then groaned again since that had obviously made it ache even more. ‘There’s no need. A couple of aspirin and I’ll be right as rain.’ He looked up and smiled tauntingly. ‘Sorry, Katherine, but I doubt that I’m going to make you a rich widow yet awhile, if that’s what you’re hoping for.’
She drew back, deeply affronted by his mockery. ‘I’ll get you those aspirin. I won’t be a minute.’
‘There’s no rush. I think I’ll just have a shower first. It will make me feel better, I hope!’
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and struggled to his feet. Katherine debated the wisdom of what he was doing before she decided it wasn’t any of her business. She hurried back to her own room to shower, then dressed quickly in jeans and a black T-shirt before going to the kitchen.
She filled a glass with water, then took the aspirin out of the cupboard and loosened the childproof cap. Of course she would have to make sure that any medicines were kept well out of reach if there was to be a child running about...
The thought slid into her mind so fast that she had no warning before it was there. She closed her eyes as she strove to shut it out, but it simply grew stronger, took on shape and substance. Suddenly she could picture a small boy with Jordan’s black hair and blue eyes laughing up at her...
Her hand shook as she picked up the glass and chased away the moment of foolishness. There would be no child! She would find some way to convince Jordan that the idea was crazy just as soon as he was in a fit state to listen to her.
Jordan was still in the shower when Katherine went back to his room. She set the glass and bottle of aspirin down on the bedside table, then went to the bathroom door. ‘I’ve brought you the aspirin. They’re beside the bed.’
There was no answer, although she had raised her voice to carry over the sound of the water. Katherine felt suddenly uneasy as she remembered how unsteady Jordan had looked when he had got out of bed. Like it or not, she couldn’t just walk away without checking if he was all right.
She opened the bathroom door, ready to retreat if need be. But one glance at the figure slumped against the tiles confirmed her fears. She ran into the room and crouched down beside him. ‘Jordan... are you all right? Can you hear me?’
He seemed to have some difficulty focusing, judging by the way his eyes slid over her face. ‘Dizzy,’ he muttered thickly. ‘Awfully dizzy.’
‘Here, let me help you up.’ Katherine tried to haul him to his feet but he was a dead weight. She crouched down again, to slide her arm around his waist, trying not to notice the bare contours of his body. But it was impossible not to be aware of the sleek power of the muscles which rippled beneath her fingers, impossible to ignore the warm, male scent of his skin.
It took several attempts before he managed to struggle to his feet, but it was obvious that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the bedroom until he had rested. Katherine propped him against the wall, using her weight to counterbalance his.
His skin was still burning hot, despite the shower, and she could feel its heat seeping through her clothes. It disturbed her to realise just how intimately they were standing; her body was pressed against Jordan’s naked one from breast to thigh.
She eased back, then had to hurriedly reach out and steady him as he swayed. Her palms pressed flat against the hard wall of his chest, and the thick whorls of black hair which covered it twined sensuously around her fingers.
Katherine felt her heart lurch as she felt its springiness. She curled her fingers into her palms, to free them from the bondage of hair, and felt her nails rasp down his skin—almost... almost as though she were caressing him...
Unbidden, her eyes lifted, and she felt the blood rush to her face as she saw the gentle amusement in Jordan’s heavy blue eyes. ‘Mmm, I bet you didn’t bargain for this when you offered to help me, did you, Katherine?’
The wryness in his voice made her smile despite the tension which was coiled like a tightly wound spring inside her. She smoothed her hands flat against his chest, trying not to notice how the hair curled around her fingers again, as though intent on holding them there. ‘I definitely didn’t!’
He gave a throaty laugh as he looped his arm around her shoulders. ‘Well, I for one could stay here all day like this, but I don’t imagine it would be wise—for any number of reasons. Shall we try and get to the bedroom, sweetheart?’
The tender endearment made her heart turn over. Katherine didn’t try to answer because she was afraid of what Jordan might hear in her voice. She slid her arm around his waist as he took a tentative step away from the wall, and felt a rush of alarm as his legs seemed to buckle.
‘Careful! Hold onto me, Jordan. Don’t let go!’
He drew a deep breath, yet his voice seemed to grate breathlessly. ‘That sounds like the best suggestion I’ve ever heard. Holding onto you is my intention, Katherine.’
Katherine shot him a startled look, but there was nothing on his face to explain her feeling that there had been a double meaning to the words. She concentrated on helping him back to the bed, and was relieved when he finally sank down onto it. Jordan was a big man, tall and well-built, despite the fact that he didn’t carry an inch of spare flesh, and if he had passed out then she would have had no hope of moving him.
He lay back against the pillows with a sigh and closed his eyes, his body bathed in sweat and trembling from the exertion. Katherine drew a ragged breath, then bent to lift his legs up onto the bed to make him more comfortable. Even his legs were hot to the touch, the fever obviously raging through every bit of him...
Her gaze skimmed upwards before she realised what she was doing, and she felt her pulse leap. Jordan’s legs were long and well-muscled, his calves firm under their heavy coating of black hair, his thighs powerfully contoured, his hips narrow...
Katherine’s heart raced so that the blood drummed inside her head. She wasn’t a prude, but the reality of looking at a naked man as powerfully built as Jordan was a world removed from studying a painting or a piece of classical sculpture. Jordan’s masculinity was raw and potent, and something inside her responded to it despite herself.
She turned away abruptly, aware that she was trembling as she hurried to the wardrobe and found a spare blanket. Her hands were shaking, as though she were the one caught in the throes of the fever, as she carried it back to the bed and spread it over him.
‘Don’t want...’ Jordan stirred as he felt the soft wool envelop him. ‘Too hot, Katherine. Take it ’way...’
He tried to push the blanket off, but Katherine caught his hands and held them still. She took a deep breath, deliberately ridding her mind of those dangerous feelings by focusing on making him comfortable. Oddly it was something she wanted to do rather than simply feeling she had to.
‘No, leave it there. You’ll get a chill if you push it off. Just lie still, Jordan, and go to sleep, then you’ll feel better. Will you do that for me?’
His lips twisted into a smile as he gazed at her with heavy blue eyes. ‘Just for you, Katherine. Only for you...’
His lids lowered and he was asleep in seconds, the raspy sound of his breathing filling the room. Katherine stared down at him, studying the way his thick black lashes lay on his cheeks like two small fans. She felt something inside her stir. Tenderness? Compassion? Neither seemed to be exactly what she felt right then, but then neither seemed to be the sort of thing she usually felt when she thought of Jordan either!
She glanced down, suddenly realising that she was still holding his hands. He had nice hands, she thought as she turned them over. They were strong, capable hands; his fingers were long and beautifully shaped, his nails were cut blunt, and his skin was so darkly tanned that it made a startling contrast to her own...
Katherine felt her senses swim. She closed her eyes, trying desperately to blank out the pictures which suddenly filled her head. She had tried so hard to forget that night, yet suddenly it was as clear as though it were happening all over again: Jordan’s hands sliding up her pale, naked body to cup her breasts; the hunger in his eyes as he looked at her; the hot, moist feel of his mouth as it closed over her nipple...
And the clearest, most terrifying memory of all: the way she had responded as he had shown her that she was a woman...exactly like her mother!
‘Normally I would insist that your husband went to hospital, Mrs James. However, in view of the fact that he is so adamant that he doesn’t want to go, and that this isn’t the first time he has had malaria, I think it will be safe enough to allow him to remain here.’
‘Is there anything else I need to know?’ Katherine opened the door as the doctor picked up his bag. ‘I’ll make sure that he takes the medicine you’ve prescribed for him, of course.’
‘That’s the main thing.’ The doctor smiled reassuringly as he saw the concern in her eyes. ‘Your husband will be fine, Mrs James. It’s just a question of letting the illness run its course. There will be bouts of fever followed by periods when he will feel chilled, and he may even appear slightly confused at times. However, just make sure that he’s comfortable and he should be right as rain in a day or so.’
‘Thank you, Doctor.’
Katherine closed the door, then went back to the bedroom. Jordan was asleep again, lying quietly enough beneath the blanket now. She tried to decide if he looked any better but it was hard to tell. All she could do was wait for the illness to run its course, as the doctor had said, although she still couldn’t quite believe what was the matter with Jordan.
Malaria! Never in her wildest moment would she have suspected that was what was wrong. But the doctor had seemed in little doubt after Jordan had explained that he’d had it before. It made her wonder suddenly where he had caught it, but then there were so many things about him which she didn’t know. Their marriage hadn’t been founded on a mutual need to get to know one another, but on something far more basic. Maybe they had been foolish to imagine that it could have worked in the circumstances.
Katherine moved away from the bed and went to the window to stare out. The evening rush hour was almost over but there was still plenty of traffic moving along the street. Its sound was muted to a low hum which made a background for the thoughts humming inside her head.
Would either of them have gone into this marriage if they’d had any real idea of how it would turn out? She couldn’t speak for Jordan, and it was equally difficult to answer the question herself. Even with the benefit of hindsight she had trouble deciding.
She turned to glance at the man lying in the bed and sighed. There was a strange sense of déjà vu about everything which had happened in the past two days. Eighteen months ago there had also seemed little alternative but to ask Jordan for help...
When Katherine discovered that her home in Suffolk had been mortgaged to the hilt and that the bank was about to call in its loan, she realised that something had to be done. Carstairs Engineering had been losing money for years, and since her father’s heart attack six months previously affairs had gone from bad to worse.
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