Operation Gigolo

A huge bouquet of ticklish feathers to all those funny people who have made me laugh, intentionally or unintentionally. Life is too precious to be taken seriously.

Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

1

“AFTER THIRTY-FIVE YEARS of marriage, your father should let me be on top!”

Lynn Morgan cradled the phone against her shoulder and began sorting through the messages on her desk. “I can’t see what difference it makes who’s on top, Mom. We’re just talking about bodies, here.” She glanced up to see Tony Russo looking amused as he leaned against the doorjamb of her office. “Dead bodies,” she added for Tony’s benefit.

His eyebrows lifted.

“That’s beside the point,” her mother said. “It’s the principle of the thing.”

Lynn knew this terrain well. Mediating her parents harebrained battles had prepared her to become a lawyer, according to her friends. She offered her mother the expected dose of logic. “Shouldn’t it depend on who goes first?”

“That’s what he says, and it would be just like him to outlive me so he could be on top! I want a guarantee of my final position.”

Lynn looked at Tony and rolled her eyes. “Suppose you do go first. You want to be dug up so somebody can slide him in underneath you?”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re not talking about rearranging leftovers in the refrigerator! Really, Mom, this is—”

“I can see you don’t understand, and I am not spending eternity underneath your father. I want a divorce. You can represent me.”

Lynn put down her pile of messages. “Excuse me?”

“A divorce. You are a divorce lawyer, right? Serve your father papers. That should teach him to dictate burial-plot etiquette!”

Lynn leaned forward and focused all her attention on the conversation. “I can’t believe you’re serious about a divorce.”

“Dead serious.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Yes, it is.”

To Lynn’s amazement, her heart was pounding, as if she were a little kid being threatened with this family disaster instead of a twenty-nine-year-old respected member of the Illinois State Bar. “Listen, buy two plots next to each other in a different part of the cemetery.”

“Not on your life! That’s my family’s plot, and my designated space, and I’m going in it. Let your father find his own plot.”

“Look, Mom—” Lynn broke off as a second phone line blinked. “I have another call. Listen to the Muzak a minute and don’t go away.”

“Don’t forget I’m paying long distance, dear.”

“I won’t forget. Be right back.” Lynn put her mother on hold and glanced at Tony.

He pushed away from the doorjamb, his expression sober. He’d always been able to gauge her moods, which made him a valuable friend. “You seem to have your hands full,” he said gently. “Why don’t I come back later?”

“Please stay. I have a feeling I’m going to need a sounding board when I get through here.”

“That’s all I need to know.” Tony walked over and sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

“Thanks. I’ll make this as quick as I can.” She gave him a smile as she answered the second line. “Lynn Morgan.”

“Your mother’s gone bananas,” her father said.

“You’re telling me. What’s all that noise in the background, Dad?” She glanced at Tony, who was shaking his head in sympathy.

“Never mind the noise in the background. I think this is the big one, Peanut. Splitsville. I want you to represent me.”

Lynn rested her forehead in her hand. “You, too?”

“What’dya mean, me, too? Did she beat me to the punch?”

“No, because I’m not taking either one of you on. Honestly, you sound like two kids fighting over who gets the top bunk.”

“It’s not just the plot,” her father said. “She went to this Seize Your Power seminar, and as if that wasn’t enough, she’s started taking testosterone, which she claims is because of the Change. But if you ask me, this is one woman who doesn’t need testosterone. I tell you, she’s developed a real attitude, Peanut.”

“She’s always had an attitude, Dad.” Lynn could see this wasn’t going to be a quick-fix situation. “Listen, I’ll get back to you on this. Don’t do anything rash.”

“If you’re saying don’t move out, I’ve already got a room at the Naughty and Nice Motel.”

“You’re kidding.” Her father had always joked about staying there, just to get her mother’s goat. Surely he hadn’t actually done it.

“Well, that part was a mistake.”

“You’re really at the Naughty and Nice?” She pictured the sleazy motel in a bad part of Springfield, with hookers and drug dealers hanging on every corner.

“I should have checked into the Holiday Inn instead. There’s no phones in the room. I’m calling you from the Black Garter Video Shop next door.”

Lynn’s brain began to spin. “Dad, you can’t stay there. That’s a rough area.”

“I’ve always wanted to see the place, Peanut. Plus I figured it would send your mother over the moon if I called her from there, but now I can’t, because there are no phones.”

“Which is another thing. How am I supposed to get in touch with you?”

“I’ll figure that out and call you.” He lowered his voice again. “You wouldn’t believe how some of the women dress around here, Peanut. They—whoops, gotta go. Somebody needs to use the phone, and she looks pretty determined, especially with that earring through her lower lip.” He whispered into the phone. “She’s got tattoos everywhere.” Then he hung up.

Lynn took a deep breath before returning to her mother’s call. “I have to go, Mom. I’ll call you this afternoon, and I certainly hope that by then you and Dad will have come to your senses.”

“Talk to the cemetery-plot hog! He’s the one who won’t listen to reason.”

Lynn didn’t think it wise to tell her mother the cemetery-plot hog had been on the other line, and that he was currently living in one of the more colorful parts of Springfield. “Goodbye, Mom.” She hung up and gazed at Tony. “I can’t believe this. They’ve always squabbled, but it was never serious. It was like living with Ricky and Lucy Ricardo.”

“I take it they haven’t threatened divorce before.”

“Never. But it seems my mother took some motivational seminar and now she’s on a rampage fueled by hot flashes. None of that really surprises me, but this talk about divorce…that’s just nuts. They’ve always dreamed of this time, when I’d be on my own and the house would be paid off. Dad took early retirement last year, and…” She stared at Tony as the truth dawned. “They’re bored out of their skulls, aren’t they?”

“Looks like. We’ve sure seen plenty of couples like that come through here.”

“Why did I suppose my parents would be any different?” Lynn threw her hands in the air. “Textbook case.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t remember any other middle-aged couple filing because they couldn’t figure out how to share a cemetery plot.”

“They will not file for divorce. Not if I have anything to say about it.” She crossed her arms and glared at Tony as if he would challenge her claim.

“It’ll probably blow over,” Tony said with a show of conviction.

She wanted to believe him. “I don’t like the sound of things, though. My dad’s checked into a motel in the red-light district and my mother’s busy shuffling coffins. We’re not talking your general run-of-the-mill argument, like whether to give Goliath a bath in the bidet.”

Tony’s mouth twitched. “And Goliath is a…?”

“My father’s toy poodle. Mom has a rottweiler named Snookums.” Lynn glanced at him. “You’re trying not to laugh, aren’t you?”

“Not me. Is this funny? I don’t see anything funny.”

“Well, at least they’ve always been entertaining.”

“And you’ve always had to keep a cool head.”

She leaned back in her chair. “Yeah, I’m the straitlaced one.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say so. You’re the one who suggested we hit a fun park the night after my divorce became final.”

Lynn smiled at the memory. They’d scoured the suburbs until they’d found what she was looking for—bumper cars, pinball machines, noise and people. “That was a special case. I don’t do that for clients, as a rule.”

“Just the pro bono ones.”

“Hey, I don’t take money from a good friend and colleague. I may need your services sometime. Besides, after the way Michelle—” She saw the look on his face and wished she hadn’t started the sentence in the first place.

“After the way Michelle screwed up my life, you were going to say.”

“She was a fool.” Lynn couldn’t understand Michelle at all, cheating on a man like Tony. His Italian good looks, intelligence and career choice made him what Lynn’s mother would call a “catch,” but he was also a damned nice guy.

“We both were fools. To be honest, I’d rather talk about your folks’ problems than mine.”

“Makes sense. Sorry I brought it up.” She figured he had to be grieving. The divorce was only six months old, and Michelle had been the center of his universe.

“So, how are you going to keep them from splitting up?” Tony asked.

“Well…” Lynn propped her elbows on the desk and rested her chin on her hands. She and Tony had brainstormed cases many times and she’d come to trust his input. This situation wasn’t so different from a complicated point of law. “They’re creating conflict because they have no real problems, right?”

“That’s my best guess.”

“What if I give them one?”

Tony crossed his ankle over his knee and leaned back in the chair. “Like what?”

Lynn thought back to her childhood. “Whenever I used to get in trouble—”

“Yeah, right.”

“Okay, it was pretty tame stuff. But considering how my parents debated everything from how to hang toilet paper on the roll to the background pictures on their checks, they never disagreed on how to handle me. On that issue they were a united front.”

“Gonna get yourself in trouble?”

She doodled on a pad of paper as her plan took shape.

“Yes, I am. It’s time their logical, sane daughter kicked over the traces. And I’m going to get in trouble the old-fashioned way.” She looked up. “I’ll get pregnant.”

Tony lurched forward in the chair. “Hey, not so fast! I don’t think this situation requires you to—”

“Not really!” She grinned. “I’ll just say I’m PG.”

“Oh.” He sank back in his chair. “I was afraid you were heading to the nearest bar to rustle up a one-night stand.”

“For heaven’s sake. Does that sound like me? Besides, that would take too long. I need to be pregnant right this minute.”

“Lynn, it’s a creative idea, but have you thought it through? You’re a terrible liar. Even I know that, and you’re setting out to fool your parents, the people who raised you.”

She tapped her pen against the blotter. “As usual, you’ve hit on the biggest glitch in my plan. But it’s such a good idea.”

“You could practice your story.”

“I’d have to. Can I practice with you?”

“Sure. I’ll even help you come up with it. First of all, you need an identity for the imaginary father of this imaginary kid.”

She smiled at him. “I have a feeling you’ve had some practice with telling tall tales.”

“Let’s just say I got in more trouble than you did when I was growing up.”

“Okay, who’s the father? Somebody my parents will go into an apoplectic fit over. Swaggering, macho, cigarette dangling from the corner of his lip, tight jeans, a tattoo. No job prospects, but he’s happy I’m working and keeping him in beer. In short, a gigolo.”

Tony started to laugh. “You’re overdoing it. There’s no way they’ll buy a story that far-fetched. They’ll know you’re lying through your teeth the minute you start describing this make-believe lover of yours.”

“Ah, but logical women are notorious for becoming attracted to some sexy loser and having their good sense destroyed by great sex. Besides, I’ve always been completely honest with them. They’ll never expect me to make up an elaborate story like this.” The thought pricked her conscience. She didn’t like the idea of lying to her parents, but she couldn’t actually get pregnant to bring them together, so she had no choice.

“Even so, I think they’ll want proof for anything this wild.”

“Possibly. But I can’t imagine how I could…hmm.” She gazed at him, narrowing her eyes as she mentally rearranged his appearance. Maybe, just maybe, he was her solution.

Tony shifted in his chair. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Take off your jacket.”

“Why?” He looked uneasy.

“Humor me.”

He shrugged. “The lady wants the jacket off, I guess I’ll take the jacket off. It’s been a strange morning.” He stood and removed the jacket of his pin-striped suit.

“Now take off the tie.”

He stared at her.

“Come on, Tony. I’m working on a concept here.”

He sighed and took off the tie.

“Now unbutton the first three or four buttons of your shirt, and mess up your hair.”

“Mess up my—” He looked at her as if she’d gone totally bonkers.

She got up and came around the desk. “Like this.” She rubbed her fingers vigorously over his scalp.

“Hey!” He leaped back. “Who are you and what have you done with Lynn?”

“That’s not quite the look I had in mind.” She started toward him.

He backed up a step. “Stay away from me, woman.”

“Oh, relax. And hold still. This will just take a minute.” Grasping his shoulder to keep him near her, she reached up and combed her fingers through his hair so it fell over his forehead, giving him a look of careless nonchalance instead of his usual combed-back, businesslike style. She was pleasantly surprised by the silky feel of his hair and the solid muscles under his dress shirt. She prolonged the task a little.

He smelled good, she noticed, catching a whiff of an after-shave that she’d always associated with him but never allowed herself to consider sexy. “Now for the buttons,” she said, undoing the first four.

“Lynn, is this a seduction?” Tony asked.

“Nope.”

“Didn’t think so. You’re beginning to worry me.”

“I just want to check something out.” She stepped back, hands on hips, to survey her work.

The transformation was remarkable. Gone was the up-and-coming young lawyer who spent his days immersed in legal briefs and courtroom procedure, the man who always arrived at the office early and left late, a bundle of files under his arm. This Tony was hot. He looked as if he had one thing on his mind, and it certainly didn’t involve paperwork. A tremor of sexual desire shook her poise. Michelle must have gone to stupid school.

But the main thing was that Tony would be perfect for her scheme. She looked up at him and smiled. “Tony, how about if you—”

“Don’t even go there.” He shook his head and backed away. “I was afraid that was where you were headed. I failed drama class in high school. Performances aren’t my long suit.” He started refastening the buttons on his shirt.

“Are you joking? You’re a lawyer!”

He smiled at that. “Yeah, but we’re talking about something a lot more complicated.”

“No, we’re not. You put on a show every time you step into that courtroom. This would just be a different kind. I said I might need your services. Turns out I do.”

“I meant legal services.” He reached for the tie he’d thrown over the back of the chair.

“I don’t need legal services. I need a sexy-looking guy for Operation Gigolo. To my surprise, you’d do very nicely.”

He stopped in the act of knotting his tie and gazed at her. “To your surprise? That’s not very flattering.”

She blushed. “Well, I just never thought of you in that way, because you’re always so…so polished-looking.” So married.

“Polished-looking. As in slick?” He finished with the tie and picked up his jacket.

“No. You look perfectly wonderful, like an ad from GQ.”

“Some women go for that type.”

“Of course they do!”

“But you don’t?” He put on his jacket and adjusted the lapels.

“I didn’t say that.” Damn, this was a bog she hadn’t intended to get into. Six months after a divorce was a prime time for a rebound attraction, and she didn’t want to be the target for that sort of temporary affair. “I just—we’re way off the subject here. Tony, please help me out. It won’t take much of your time to meet my parents. Once they see you, they’ll start a campaign to break us up, which will bring them together again. They can succeed in breaking us up, and then I’ll conveniently miscarry the love child, and life will return to normal. I happen to know you haven’t taken much time off lately.”

“And to remedy that, you’re offering me a fun-filled trip to Springfield, where I get to act like a jerk and hopefully get pitched out of your parents’ house on my butt? Gee, you sure know how to tempt a guy.”

“Actually, I wasn’t thinking of Springfield. Ever been to Sedona, Arizona?”

“Nope. Just seen pictures of all those red rocks. Pretty impressive.”

“It is. And my parents honeymooned there. The summer rush would be over now, so I probably could get reservations at the same cottages on the banks of Oak Creek where they stayed thirty-five years ago. I’m sure I can convince them that they have to come,” she said, patting her stomach.

He looked more interested at the prospect of going to Sedona. “What if your folks demand separate sleeping accommodations?”

“I’ll tell them they have to share because there were only two available when I called.” She folded her arms and repressed a smile of triumph. As a lawyer she’d learned to read expressions, and she could see that Tony was beginning to consider her idea. “What do you say? An all-expense-paid long weekend in a beautiful spot in exchange for wearing tight jeans and flexing your muscles.”

He hesitated. “Is your dad a violent man?”

“Absolutely not. He might try to talk you to death, but he wouldn’t challenge you to a fistfight or anything, if that’s what you mean. I promise this is low risk.”

“You don’t have somebody else who could do this? I thought you were dating a guy named Edgar.”

She grimaced. “I was, but in the first place my parents have met him, and in the second place, I broke it off a couple of months ago, and in the third place, Edgar could never play a convincing stud-muffin.”

“Is that right?” He looked pleased with the information.

“That’s right.” Tony was awfully cute, she thought, cuter than she’d allowed herself to realize.

“I don’t know.” He glanced at her. “It’ll take a lot to rub the polish off, don’t you think?”

Thinking about turning him into a modern-day James Dean sent delicious shivers through her. Transforming Tony. What a fun concept. “No, I don’t think it’ll take all that much,” she said. “Although it would be helpful if you had a tattoo.”

“It would, huh?”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t expect that kind of sacrifice. Maybe we could try one of those temporary kinds.” She waited, hoping he was as intrigued by the whole charade concept as she was.

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

She smiled. “Thanks, Tony. You’re a real friend. I’ll let you know when I’ve made the arrangements. Is there any weekend I should avoid?”

“Not really. My social calendar isn’t what you’d call jammed.”

So he wasn’t dating anyone yet, she thought. He really was ripe for a rebound affair. She’d have to be careful. “It takes time after a divorce.”

“Yeah. But hey, things are looking up. I’ve just been invited to spend a long weekend with a beautiful woman.”

She laughed, as if he’d made a joke, but it didn’t feel like a joke. “Thanks for the compliment.” She liked having him call her beautiful, but she couldn’t encourage him to think there could be something between them. “But I’m afraid it’ll be a platonic weekend.”

He shrugged. “It’s a start.” As he walked out the door, he paused and turned back to her. “Oh, and about that tattoo…”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll check into the temporary kind. It may not be all that important, anyway.”

“You don’t have to check into anything.” He gave her a killer smile. “I already have one.”

2

THE NIGHT BEFORE the trip to Sedona, Tony dug in his closet, unearthing memories as he worked, and came up with a couple of pairs of jeans he’d worn in high school. Michelle had begged him to get rid of this old stuff, claiming that he had no reason to keep it.

But there was a reason. He didn’t want to totally lose the connection to the hell-raiser he’d been back then, and the clothes helped make that connection. He smiled to himself. Lynn had no idea that the punk she’d described as her parents’ worst nightmare was Tony Russo fourteen years ago.

The tattoo was a souvenir from his senior year, his way of balancing the embarrassment of ending up the valedictorian. When he got drunk with his buddies one night and was caught spray-painting Class of ‘84 on the hood of the principal’s Caddy, the school board hadn’t wanted to let him graduate, let alone give the valedictory speech. His mother had pleaded his case and suggested his penance be cleaning gum off the bottom of the bleachers. To this day the smell of chewing gum made him sick to his stomach.

He pulled open a dresser drawer and dug in the back for the white T-shirts he hardly ever wore these days. They’d seen a lot of use at one time, and they felt soft and familiar in his grip. He kept one out for the plane ride and tossed the rest in a large duffel bag just as the phone on the bedside table rang. As he picked up the receiver, he wondered if Lynn had some last-minute instructions for him.

“Tony?”

Michelle. And she sounded as if she’d been crying, dammit. He tried to harden his heart. “Yeah, Michelle.”

“Are you busy?”

He tensed. “Kind of. What’s wrong?”

“I’d like…” She sniffed. “I’d like to come over, if it’s okay.”

He glanced at the clock. Michelle in tears, wanting to see him at eleven at night, couldn’t mean anything but trouble with Jerry. Jerry, his stockbroker and health-club buddy, the guy who’d spent his evenings playing handball with Tony and his afternoons playing bedroom games with Michelle.

“I know it’s late.” Michelle’s voice quavered. “I just…need to talk to somebody.”

He sighed. “Okay.”

“Thanks, Tony.”

“Don’t mention it. That’s what ex-husbands are for.” As he hung up, he wondered why he hadn’t told her to get lost. She deserved to be told that, after the way she’d treated him. He was a sucker when it came to the women in his life, just as his brothers and sisters had always said. They’d advised him to use the adultery issue to make sure Michelle didn’t get a dime, but instead he’d agreed to split their assets down the middle. His family called that stupid, but he’d handled enough divorce cases to know that nobody was blameless. He’d been concentrating too hard on his job, leaving her alone too much and paving the way for Jerry to step in.

For the first couple of years of marriage everything had been wonderful. She’d been his Uptown Girl, just like in the Billy Joel song that had been such a hit back in high school. It hadn’t hurt that she’d looked a little like Christie Brinkley, and he’d always identified with a working-class type like Billy Joel. Then he’d become more involved in his law career and had never quite noticed that the magic was slipping away.