The New Machiavelli
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“Tell me,” I said presently, to break the intolerable tension, “tell me plainly what you mean by this.”
I sat a little away from her, and then took my teacup in hand, with an odd effect of defending myself. “Have you been reading that old book of mine?” I asked.
“That and the paper. I took a complete set from the beginning down to Durham with me. I have read it over, thought it over. I didn’t understand – what you were teaching.”
There was a little pause.
“It all seems so plain to me now,” she said, “and so true.”
I was profoundly disconcerted. I put down my teacup, stood up in the middle of the hearthrug, and began talking. “I’m tremendously glad, Margaret, that you’ve come to see I’m not altogether perverse,” I began. I launched out into a rather trite and windy exposition of my views, and she sat close to me on the sofa, looking up into my face, hanging on my words, a deliberate and invincible convert.
“Yes,” she said, “yes.”…
I had never doubted my new conceptions before; now I doubted them profoundly. But I went on talking. It’s the grim irony in the lives of all politicians, writers, public teachers, that once the audience is at their feet, a new loyalty has gripped them. It isn’t their business to admit doubt and imperfections. They have to go on talking. And I was now so accustomed to Isabel’s vivid interruptions, qualifications, restatements, and confirmations…
Margaret and I dined together at home. She made me open out my political projects to her. “I have been foolish,” she said. “I want to help.”
And by some excuse I have forgotten she made me come to her room. I think it was some book I had to take her, some American book I had brought back with me, and mentioned in our talk. I walked in with it, and put it down on the table and turned to go.
“Husband!” she cried, and held out her slender arms to me. I was compelled to go to her and kiss her, and she twined them softly about my neck and drew me to her and kissed me. I disentangled them very gently, and took each wrist and kissed it, and the backs of her hands.
“Good-night,” I said. There came a little pause. “Good-night, Margaret,” I repeated, and walked very deliberately and with a kind of sham preoccupation to the door.
I did not look at her, but I could feel her standing, watching me. If I had looked up, she would, I knew, have held out her arms to me…
At the very outset that secret, which was to touch no one but Isabel and myself, had reached out to stab another human being.
7
The whole world had changed for Isabel and me; and we tried to pretend that nothing had changed except a small matter between us. We believed quite honestly at that time that it was possible to keep this thing that had happened from any reaction at all, save perhaps through some magically enhanced vigour in our work, upon the world about us! Seen in retrospect, one can realise the absurdity of this belief; within a week I realised it; but that does not alter the fact that we did believe as much, and that people who are deeply in love and unable to marry will continue to believe so to the very end of time. They will continue to believe out of existence every consideration that separates them until they have come together. Then they will count the cost, as we two had to do.
I am telling a story, and not propounding theories in this book; and chiefly I am telling of the ideas and influences and emotions that have happened to me – me as a sort of sounding board for my world. The moralist is at liberty to go over my conduct with his measure and say, “At this point or at that you went wrong, and you ought to have done” – so-and-so. The point of interest to the statesman is that it didn’t for a moment occur to us to do so-and-so when the time for doing it came. It amazes me now to think how little either of us troubled about the established rights or wrongs of the situation. We hadn’t an atom of respect for them, innate or acquired. The guardians of public morals will say we were very bad people; I submit in defence that they are very bad guardians – provocative guardians… And when at last there came a claim against us that had an effective validity for us, we were in the full tide of passionate intimacy.
I had a night of nearly sleepless perplexity after Margaret’s return. She had suddenly presented herself to me like something dramatically recalled, fine, generous, infinitely capable of feeling. I was amazed how much I had forgotten her. In my contempt for vulgarised and conventionalised honour I had forgotten that for me there was such a reality as honour. And here it was, warm and near to me, living, breathing, unsuspecting. Margaret’s pride was my honour, that I had had no right even to imperil.
I do not now remember if I thought at that time of going to Isabel and putting this new aspect of the case before her. Perhaps I did. Perhaps I may have considered even then the possibility of ending what had so freshly and passionately begun. If I did, it vanished next day at the sight of her. Whatever regrets came in the darkness, the daylight brought an obstinate confidence in our resolution again. We would, we declared, “pull the thing off.” Margaret must not know. Margaret should not know. If Margaret did not know, then no harm whatever would be done. We tried to sustain that…
For a brief time we had been like two people in a magic cell, magically cut off from the world and full of a light of its own, and then we began to realise that we were not in the least cut off, that the world was all about us and pressing in upon us, limiting us, threatening us, resuming possession of us. I tried to ignore the injury to Margaret of her unreciprocated advances. I tried to maintain to myself that this hidden love made no difference to the now irreparable breach between husband and wife. But I never spoke of it to Isabel or let her see that aspect of our case. How could I? The time for that had gone…
Then in new shapes and relations came trouble. Distressful elements crept in by reason of our unavoidable furtiveness; we ignored them, hid them from each other, and attempted to hide them from ourselves. Successful love is a thing of abounding pride, and we had to be secret. It was delightful at first to be secret, a whispering, warm conspiracy; then presently it became irksome and a little shameful. Her essential frankness of soul was all against the masks and falsehoods that many women would have enjoyed. Together in our secrecy we relaxed, then in the presence of other people again it was tiresome to have to watch for the careless, too easy phrase, to snatch back one’s hand from the limitless betrayal of a light, familiar touch.
Love becomes a poor thing, at best a poor beautiful thing, if it develops no continuing and habitual intimacy. We were always meeting, and most gloriously loving and beginning – and then we had to snatch at remorseless ticking watches, hurry to catch trains, and go back to this or that. That is all very well for the intrigues of idle people perhaps, but not for an intense personal relationship. It is like lighting a candle for the sake of lighting it, over and over again, and each time blowing it out. That, no doubt, must be very amusing to children playing with the matches, but not to people who love warm light, and want it in order to do fine and honourable things together. We had achieved – I give the ugly phrase that expresses the increasing discolouration in my mind – “illicit intercourse.” To end at that, we now perceived, wasn’t in our style. But where were we to end?..
Perhaps we might at this stage have given it up. I think if we could have seen ahead and around us we might have done so. But the glow of our cell blinded us… I wonder what might have happened if at that time we had given it up… We propounded it, we met again in secret to discuss it, and our overpowering passion for one another reduced that meeting to absurdity…
Presently the idea of children crept between us. It came in from all our conceptions of life and public service; it was, we found, in the quality of our minds that physical love without children is a little weak, timorous, more than a little shameful. With imaginative people there very speedily comes a time when that realisation is inevitable. We hadn’t thought of that before – it isn’t natural to think of that before. We hadn’t known. There is no literature in English dealing with such things.
There is a necessary sequence of phases in love. These came in their order, and with them, unanticipated tarnishings on the first bright perfection of our relations. For a time these developing phases were no more than a secret and private trouble between us, little shadows spreading by imperceptible degrees across that vivid and luminous cell.
8
The Handitch election flung me suddenly into prominence.
It is still only two years since that struggle, and I will not trouble the reader with a detailed history of events that must be quite sufficiently present in his mind for my purpose already. Huge stacks of journalism have dealt with Handitch and its significance. For the reader very probably, as for most people outside a comparatively small circle, it meant my emergence from obscurity. We obtruded no editor’s name in the BLUE WEEKLY; I had never as yet been on the London hoardings. Before Handitch I was a journalist and writer of no great public standing; after Handitch, I was definitely a person, in the little group of persons who stood for the Young Imperialist movement. Handitch was, to a very large extent, my affair. I realised then, as a man comes to do, how much one can still grow after seven and twenty. In the second election I was a man taking hold of things; at Kinghamstead I had been simply a young candidate, a party unit, led about the constituency, told to do this and that, and finally washed in by the great Anti-Imperialist flood, like a starfish rolling up a beach.
My feminist views had earnt the mistrust of the party, and I do not think I should have got the chance of Handitch or indeed any chance at all of Parliament for a long time, if it had not been that the seat with its long record of Liberal victories and its Liberal majority of 3642 at the last election, offered a hopeless contest. The Liberal dissensions and the belated but by no means contemptible Socialist candidate were providential interpositions. I think, however, the conduct of Gane, Crupp, and Tarvrille in coming down to fight for me, did count tremendously in my favour. “We aren’t going to win, perhaps,” said Crupp, “but we are going to talk.” And until the very eve of victory, we treated Handitch not so much as a battlefield as a hoarding. And so it was the Endowment of Motherhood as a practical form of Eugenics got into English politics.
Plutus, our agent, was scared out of his wits when the thing began.
“They’re ascribing all sorts of queer ideas to you about the Family,” he said.
“I think the Family exists for the good of the children,” I said; “is that queer?”
“Not when you explain it – but they won’t let you explain it. And about marriage – ?”
“I’m all right about marriage – trust me.”
“Of course, if YOU had children,” said Plutus, rather inconsiderately…
They opened fire upon me in a little electioneering rag call the HANDITCH SENTINEL, with a string of garbled quotations and misrepresentations that gave me an admirable text for a speech. I spoke for an hour and ten minutes with a more and more crumpled copy of the SENTINEL in my hand, and I made the fullest and completest exposition of the idea of endowing motherhood that I think had ever been made up to that time in England. Its effect on the press was extraordinary. The Liberal papers gave me quite unprecedented space under the impression that I had only to be given rope to hang myself; the Conservatives cut me down or tried to justify me; the whole country was talking. I had had a pamphlet in type upon the subject, and I revised this carefully and put it on the book-stalls within three days. It sold enormously and brought me bushels of letters. We issued over three thousand in Handitch alone. At meeting after meeting I was heckled upon nothing else. Long before polling day Plutus was converted.
“It’s catching on like old age pensions,” he said. “We’ve dished the Liberals! To think that such a project should come from our side!”
But it was only with the declaration of the poll that my battle was won. No one expected more than a snatch victory, and I was in by over fifteen hundred. At one bound Cossington’s papers passed from apologetics varied by repudiation to triumphant praise. “A renascent England, breeding men,” said the leader in his chief daily on the morning after the polling, and claimed that the Conservatives had been ever the pioneers in sanely bold constructive projects.
I came up to London with a weary but rejoicing Margaret by the night train.
CHAPTER THE SECOND ~~ THE IMPOSSIBLE POSITION
1
To any one who did not know of that glowing secret between Isabel and myself, I might well have appeared at that time the most successful and enviable of men. I had recovered rapidly from an uncongenial start in political life; I had become a considerable force through the BLUE WEEKLY, and was shaping an increasingly influential body of opinion; I had re-entered Parliament with quite dramatic distinction, and in spite of a certain faltering on the part of the orthodox Conservatives towards the bolder elements in our propaganda, I had loyal and unenvious associates who were making me a power in the party. People were coming to our group, understandings were developing. It was clear we should play a prominent part in the next general election, and that, given a Conservative victory, I should be assured of office. The world opened out to me brightly and invitingly. Great schemes took shape in my mind, always more concrete, always more practicable; the years ahead seemed falling into order, shining with the credible promise of immense achievement.
And at the heart of it all, unseen and unsuspected, was the secret of my relations with Isabel – like a seed that germinates and thrusts, thrusts relentlessly.
From the onset of the Handitch contest onward, my meetings with her had been more and more pervaded by the discussion of our situation. It had innumerable aspects. It was very present to us that we wanted to be together as much as possible – we were beginning to long very much for actual living together in the same house, so that one could come as it were carelessly – unawares – upon the other, busy perhaps about some trivial thing. We wanted to feel each other in the daily atmosphere. Preceding our imperatively sterile passion, you must remember, outside it, altogether greater than it so far as our individual lives were concerned, there had grown and still grew an enormous affection and intellectual sympathy between us. We brought all our impressions and all our ideas to each other, to see them in each other’s light. It is hard to convey that quality of intellectual unison to any one who has not experienced it. I thought more and more in terms of conversation with Isabel; her possible comments upon things would flash into my mind, oh! – with the very sound of her voice.
I remember, too, the odd effect of seeing her in the distance going about Handitch, like any stranger canvasser; the queer emotion of her approach along the street, the greeting as she passed. The morning of the polling she vanished from the constituency. I saw her for an instant in the passage behind our Committee rooms.
“Going?” said I.
She nodded.
“Stay it out. I want you to see the fun. I remember – the other time.”
She didn’t answer for a moment or so, and stood with face averted.
“It’s Margaret’s show,” she said abruptly. “If I see her smiling there like a queen by your side – ! She did – last time. I remember.” She caught at a sob and dashed her hand across her face impatiently. “Jealous fool, mean and petty, jealous fool!.. Good luck, old man, to you! You’re going to win. But I don’t want to see the end of it all the same…”
“Good-bye!” said I, clasping her hand as some supporter appeared in the passage…
I came back to London victorious, and a little flushed and coarse with victory; and so soon as I could break away I went to Isabel’s flat and found her white and worn, with the stain of secret weeping about her eyes. I came into the room to her and shut the door.
“You said I’d win,” I said, and held out my arms.
She hugged me closely for a moment.
“My dear,” I whispered, “it’s nothing – without you – nothing!”
We didn’t speak for some seconds. Then she slipped from my hold. “Look!” she said, smiling like winter sunshine. “I’ve had in all the morning papers – the pile of them, and you – resounding.”
“It’s more than I dared hope.”
“Or I.”
She stood for a moment still smiling bravely, and then she was sobbing in my arms. “The bigger you are – the more you show,” she said – “the more we are parted. I know, I know – ”
I held her close to me, making no answer.
Presently she became still. “Oh, well,” she said, and wiped her eyes and sat down on the little sofa by the fire; and I sat down beside her.
“I didn’t know all there was in love,” she said, staring at the coals, “when we went love-making.”
I put my arm behind her and took a handful of her dear soft hair in my hand and kissed it.
“You’ve done a great thing this time,” she said. “Handitch will make you.”
“It opens big chances,” I said. “But why are you weeping, dear one?”
“Envy,” she said, “and love.”
“You’re not lonely?”
“I’ve plenty to do – and lots of people.”
“Well?”
“I want you.”
“You’ve got me.”
She put her arm about me and kissed me. “I want you,” she said, “just as if I had nothing of you. You don’t understand – how a woman wants a man. I thought once if I just gave myself to you it would be enough. It was nothing – it was just a step across the threshold. My dear, every moment you are away I ache for you – ache! I want to be about when it isn’t love-making or talk. I want to be doing things for you, and watching you when you’re not thinking of me. All those safe, careless, intimate things. And something else – ” She stopped. “Dear, I don’t want to bother you. I just want you to know I love you…”
She caught my head in her hands and kissed it, then stood up abruptly.
I looked up at her, a little perplexed.
“Dear heart,” said I, “isn’t this enough? You’re my councillor, my colleague, my right hand, the secret soul of my life – ”
“And I want to darn your socks,” she said, smiling back at me.
“You’re insatiable.”
She smiled “No,” she said. “I’m not insatiable, Master. But I’m a woman in love. And I’m finding out what I want, and what is necessary to me – and what I can’t have. That’s all.”
“We get a lot.”
“We want a lot. You and I are greedy people for the things we like, Master. It’s very evident we’ve got nearly all we can ever have of one another – and I’m not satisfied.”
“What more is there?
“For you – very little. I wonder. For me – every thing. Yes – everything. You didn’t mean it, Master; you didn’t know any more than I did when I began, but love between a man and a woman is sometimes very one-sided. Fearfully one-sided! That’s all…”
“Don’t YOU ever want children?” she said abruptly.
“I suppose I do.”
“You don’t!”
“I haven’t thought of them.”
“A man doesn’t, perhaps. But I have… I want them – like hunger. YOUR children, and home with you. Really, continually you! That’s the trouble… I can’t have ‘em, Master, and I can’t have you.”
She was crying, and through her tears she laughed.
“I’m going to make a scene,” she said, “and get this over. I’m so discontented and miserable; I’ve got to tell you. It would come between us if I didn’t. I’m in love with you, with everything – with all my brains. I’ll pull through all right. I’ll be good, Master, never you fear. But to-day I’m crying out with all my being. This election – You’re going up; you’re going on. In these papers – you’re a great big fact. It’s suddenly come home to me. At the back of my mind I’ve always had the idea I was going to have you somehow presently for myself – I mean to have you to go long tramps with, to keep house for, to get meals for, to watch for of an evening. It’s a sort of habitual background to my thought of you. And it’s nonsense – utter nonsense!” She stopped. She was crying and choking. “And the child, you know – the child!”
I was troubled beyond measure, but Handitch and its intimations were clear and strong.
“We can’t have that,” I said.
“No,” she said, “we can’t have that.”
“We’ve got our own things to do.”
“YOUR things,” she said.
“Aren’t they yours too?”
“Because of you,” she said.
“Aren’t they your very own things?”
“Women don’t have that sort of very own thing. Indeed, it’s true! And think! You’ve been down there preaching the goodness of children, telling them the only good thing in a state is happy, hopeful children, working to free mothers and children – ”
“And we give our own children to do it?” I said.
“Yes,” she said. “And sometimes I think it’s too much to give – too much altogether… Children get into a woman’s brain – when she mustn’t have them, especially when she must never hope for them. Think of the child we might have now! – the little creature with soft, tender skin, and little hands and little feet! At times it haunts me. It comes and says, Why wasn’t I given life? I can hear it in the night… The world is full of such little ghosts, dear lover – little things that asked for life and were refused. They clamour to me. It’s like a little fist beating at my heart. Love children, beautiful children. Little cold hands that tear at my heart! Oh, my heart and my lord!” She was holding my arm with both her hands and weeping against it, and now she drew herself to my shoulder and wept and sobbed in my embrace. “I shall never sit with your child on my knee and you beside me-never, and I am a woman and your lover!..”
2
But the profound impossibility of our relation was now becoming more and more apparent to us. We found ourselves seeking justification, clinging passionately to a situation that was coldly, pitilessly, impossible and fated. We wanted quite intensely to live together and have a child, but also we wanted very many other things that were incompatible with these desires. It was extraordinarily difficult to weigh our political and intellectual ambitions against those intimate wishes. The weights kept altering according as one found oneself grasping this valued thing or that. It wasn’t as if we could throw everything aside for our love, and have that as we wanted it. Love such as we bore one another isn’t altogether, or even chiefly, a thing in itself – it is for the most part a value set upon things. Our love was interwoven with all our other interests; to go out of the world and live in isolation seemed to us like killing the best parts of each other; we loved the sight of each other engaged finely and characteristically, we knew each other best as activities. We had no delusions about material facts; we didn’t want each other alive or dead, we wanted each other fully alive. We wanted to do big things together, and for us to take each other openly and desperately would leave us nothing in the world to do. We wanted children indeed passionately, but children with every helpful chance in the world, and children born in scandal would be handicapped at every turn. We wanted to share a home, and not a solitude.
And when we were at this stage of realisation, began the intimations that we were found out, and that scandal was afoot against us…
I heard of it first from Esmeer, who deliberately mentioned it, with that steady grey eye of his watching me, as an instance of the preposterous falsehoods people will circulate. It came to Isabel almost simultaneously through a married college friend, who made it her business to demand either confirmation or denial. It filled us both with consternation. In the surprise of the moment Isabel admitted her secret, and her friend went off “reserving her freedom of action.”
Discovery broke out in every direction. Friends with grave faces and an atmosphere of infinite tact invaded us both. Other friends ceased to invade either of us. It was manifest we had become – we knew not how – a private scandal, a subject for duologues, an amazement, a perplexity, a vivid interest. In a few brief weeks it seemed London passed from absolute unsuspiciousness to a chattering exaggeration of its knowledge of our relations.