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Thank you to Julie and her family for naming the gorilla “Gertrude”. Julie won the competition I created with Comic Relief and BBC Children in Need to name a character in this book. Thank you to all of you who entered the competition.
First published in Great Britain by
HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2020 Published in this ebook edition in 2020 HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd, HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF The HarperCollins Children’s Books website address is www.harpercollins.co.uk Text copyright © David Walliams 2020 Illustrations copyright © Tony Ross 2020 Cover lettering of author’s name copyright © Quentin Blake 2010 Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2020 David Walliams and Tony Ross assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Apart from famous historical figures, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Source ISBN: 9780008305833 Ebook Edition © November 2019 ISBN: 9780008454289 Version: 2020-11-03
For James & Sophie,
With love,
David x
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Thank-yous
London: Second World War
Map
Part One: Time to Dare
Chapter 1: Wibble Wobble
Chapter 2: Muddle
Chapter 3: Party Tricks
Chapter 4: Blowing Raspberries
Chapter 5: Granny Spittle
Chapter 6: Mum and Dad
Chapter 7: Penguin Poop
Chapter 8: Frozen in Fear
Chapter 9: Batter
Chapter 10: A Rude Magic Trick
Chapter 11: Bang!
Chapter 12: Deep Doo-Doo
Chapter 13: Gnarl
Chapter 14: Ear Trumpet
Chapter 15: Curl Up Into a Ball
Chapter 16: Stop that Boy!
Chapter 17: Sid’s Secret
Chapter 18: Honk! Honk! Honk!
Part Two: Blood, Sweat, Toil and Tears
Chapter 19: A Kingdom of Creatures
Chapter 20: Hide-and-Seek
Chapter 21: Charge!
Chapter 22: The Plan
Part Three: Never Surrender
Chapter 23: Balloon
Chapter 24: Downed Bomber
Chapter 25: Jump!
Chapter 26: Follow the River
Chapter 27: Under Attack
Chapter 28: Deepest Doo-Doo
Chapter 29: A Hefty Catch
Chapter 30: Hairy Jelly
Chapter 31: The End?
Chapter 32: Sucking on a Wasp
Chapter 33: Trouble
Chapter 34: Pink Frilly Nightdress
Chapter 35: Fruit-and-Nut Cake
Chapter 36: Boy Bridesmaid
Chapter 37: Rugby Tackle
Chapter 38: The Taste of Cardboard
Chapter 39: Keep the Shoe
Chapter 40: Stunned Nuns
Chapter 41: Bottom Raspberry
Chapter 42: Lost Property
Chapter 43: Twitching Moustache
Part Four: A Monstrous Tyranny
Chapter 44: Strictly Forbidden
Chapter 45: The Willies
Chapter 46: Cobwebs
Chapter 47: Boing! Boing! Boing!
Chapter 48: Dead Eyes
Chapter 49: Ghoulish Grins
Chapter 50: Poisoned Tea
Chapter 51: Cracking the Code
Chapter 52: Nazis in Bognor Regis
Chapter 53: Shoot that Gowilla!
Chapter 54: Bullets in the Back
Part Five: The Darkest Hour
Chapter 55: Prisoners Under the Waves
Chapter 56: The Biggest Bomb in the World
Chapter 57: Ticklish
Chapter 58: Bottom on Fire
Chapter 59: Chomp!
Chapter 60: Big Red Button
Chapter 61: A Watery Grave
Chapter 62: Tidal Wave
Part Six: A Love of Tradition
Chapter 63: The Most Famous Address in the World
Chapter 64: Badly Behaved Guests
Chapter 65: Top Secret
Chapter 66: Party at the Palace
Chapter 67: Banana Split
Epilogue
Also by David Walliams
About the Publisher
Britain has been in a bitter war with Nazi Germany for over a year.
It is the height of the Blitz, and Nazi bombs rain down on the city.
The people of London live in fear.
As do the animals of the city, particularly those in LONDON ZOO.
The characters in our adventure are…
ERIC
This short, shy eleven-year-old boy has sticky-out ears and wears glasses with one of the lenses cracked. Sadly, like many children of the time, Eric has lost both his parents in the war. Now an orphan, he is withdrawn and sad most of the time. The only thing that makes the boy happy is visiting LONDON ZOO. There he has formed a very special friendship with a huge furry friend. More of her, in a moment.
UNCLE SID
Sid is Eric’s great-uncle, and the oldest keeper at LONDON ZOO. He has worked there for longer than anyone can remember, including him. Like many men at the outbreak of the First World War, he enlisted to become a soldier. However, on his very first day on the battlefields of France, he stepped on an enemy mine, and lost both his legs. Nowadays Sid gets about on tin legs, but nothing can dampen his fighting spirit. The zookeeper would give anything to be able to battle the Nazis and prove himself to be a hero once and for all.
GRANDMA
Eric’s grandmother is a fearsome character. She dresses from head to toe in black: black shoes, black coat and black pillbox hat. The deaf old lady never goes anywhere without her ear trumpet, which helps her hear. This doubles as a weapon to bash folks out of her way. When Eric became an orphan, she took the boy in to live with her. As much as he loves his grandmother, Eric finds it hard to be around her as she is so very strict.
BESSIE
Bessie is a larger-than-life lady, bursting with love and laughter. She works as a doctor in a military hospital in London, where day and night she tends to the wounded soldiers. Bessie and Sid are next-door neighbours, living side by side in a row of tiny terraced houses. A bomb blast tore a hole in the fence that divides their back gardens, so Bessie can pop round to see Sid at any time of the day or night.
NINA THE AIR-RAID WARDEN
Nina is one of London’s hundreds of air-raid wardens, who spring into action when the Nazi bombers appear. Wardens make sure that Londoners are off the streets and taking shelter whenever the air-raid warning sounds. It is the perfect job for this busybody, who loves nothing more than bossing folk around.
SIR FREDERICK FROWN
Considering Frown is the Director General of LONDON ZOO, it may come as a surprise to you that he doesn’t like animals. Creatures of all shapes and sizes give him the willies. Frown is forever in fear of being slobbered over, nibbled or, worst of all, peed on. So he spends most of the time hiding in his office, as far away from all those dreadful beasts as possible. He is so achingly posh he speaks as if he has a plum in his mouth.
CORPORAL BATTER
This old soldier from the First World War is now the nightwatchman at LONDON ZOO. Batter sports a big, bushy moustache and is never without his tin helmet, his chest full of medals and, most importantly, his rifle. Batter has strict orders to shoot any dangerous animals that escape from the zoo during the night-time bombing raids.
MISS GNARL
This tall, broad vet at LONDON ZOO is called whenever an animal needs to be put down. Armed with a needle full of poison, the sinister Gnarl adores her work. The bigger the animal, the better. She is a disturbing character, who speaks only in growls.
HELENE and BERTHA
These mysterious elderly twin sisters run a deserted guesthouse at the British seaside town of Bognor Regis. The guesthouse, Seaview Towers, has not had a guest for years. So, what are the strange pair doing there? Perhaps their glamorous appearance hides something darker below the surface.
CAPTAIN SPEER
Speer is the elegant but ruthless commander of a Nazi U-boat (or submarine). The Führer Adolf Hitler himself, the evil Nazi leader who seized power in Germany, has personally sent Speer on a top-secret mission. This mission has taken the U-boat to the south coast of Britain, where it is lurking, ready to strike. If Speer succeeds, the course of the war will take a dramatic turn, making a Nazi victory certain.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
The British prime minister is a big, balding man, always dressed immaculately in three-piece suits, bowties and Homburg hats. Winston Churchill is famous for his stirring speeches, his dogged determination and his fondness for brandy and cigars. He is seen by many as the only leader who can lead Britain to victory over the Nazis.
And last but not least……
GERTRUDE THE GORILLA
One of the oldest animals at LONDON ZOO, Gertrude is also the most popular. She is the zoo’s star attraction. Children delight in the old ape’s escapades, as she loves to show off for the crowds, especially for a banana or two. Gertrude loves to blow raspberries at the visitors. The gorilla has formed a special friendship with one child in particular. A short, shy boy in cracked glasses who goes by the name of Eric.
Life.
Love.
Laughter.
The world had been plunged into a war of unimaginable horror, so these three things were more important than ever.
They are important to this story too.
Our adventure begins on a cold, crisp afternoon in London in December 1940. In LONDON ZOO, to be precise. There, a little boy had just made a discovery. A discovery that made him laugh for the first time in a long, long time.
“HA! HA! HA!”
That little boy was an eleven-year-old orphan named Eric. He was short for his age and had sticky-out ears, which made him feel like he stuck out. The boy wore glasses, but one of the lenses was cracked, and he didn’t have any money to repair them.
As soon as the bell rang for the end of school, Eric would run out of the gates as fast as his little legs would take him. He hated school, where he was picked on mercilessly for his sticky-out ears, and given the nickname “Wingnut”.
Eric had been given strict orders by his grandmother to hurry straight home. But he couldn’t resist taking a detour. From school, he dashed through the streets, dodging the mountains of rubble. There were adventures to be had in the wreckage of downed Nazi planes, burnt-out double-decker buses or bombed buildings, but the boy didn’t dilly-dally. Oh no. He was in a rush to get to his favourite place on earth.
LONDON ZOO.
Apart from all the animals, the best thing about the zoo was that Eric could get in for FREE! That was because his uncle worked there as a zookeeper. Uncle Sid was really his mum’s uncle, but Eric always called the old man “Uncle Sid” too. Sometimes Eric would even help Sid with his work. This he loved more than anything. His dream was to be a zookeeper himself one day. To Eric, animals seemed so much nicer than humans. None of them made fun of his sticky-out ears for a start. Some of them had sticky-out ears too. No matter, they were all beautiful in their own way.
Eric loved feeding the animals, washing them and he didn’t even mind mucking out their cages. Some elephant droppings weighed a ton and shovelling them was a two-man job.
Sid would smuggle Eric in through the back entrance to the zoo. That way he would not have to pay the entrance fee of sixpence, a small fortune for a small boy. Eric didn’t have a penny to his name, let alone six.
So, at four o’clock on the dot each day, Eric would arrive at the staff gate. In what resembled a military operation, he would remain out of sight and knock three times.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
Then he would wait in silence until he heard a “Twit-twoo!” This was his great-uncle imitating the call of an owl. That sound meant the coast was clear. The next thing the boy would hear was the old man approaching. Sid had tin legs. His real ones had been blown off in the First World War. Whenever he walked, there was the sound of clinking, clanking and clunking.
CLINK! CLANK! CLUNK!
“Password!” the man would hiss, hiding on the other side of the gate.
“Wibble wobble!” the boy would reply.
“Ha! Ha!” chuckled Sid as he opened the gate. “In you come!”
The password was different every day. The boy would invent a new one each time to make his great-uncle laugh.
Some of their favourites were:
“Thanks, Uncle Sid.”
“How was school today?” asked the old man. There was a strong family resemblance. Sid was short and had sticky-out ears too. However, he also had big, bushy eyebrows and an even bushier beard, so that was where the family resemblance ended. Because of his tin legs the old man was unsteady on his feet, which were also made of tin. Sid looked like he was going to topple over at any moment.
“I hate it!” huffed the boy.
“I don’t know why I bother asking!”
“The kids pick on me about my ears.”
“Your ears look perfectly normal to me!” said the old man as he waggled his own sticky-out ears with his hands to make the boy laugh.
“Ha! Ha!”
“Don’t let the bullies get you down! It’s what’s in here that counts,” said Sid, clutching his heart. “You are a smashing boy – don’t ever forget that!”
“I will try not to.”
“Don’t you have any friends at school?”
“Not really,” replied the boy sorrowfully.
“Well, I know all the animals here are your friends. They love you as much as you love them.”
The boy hugged the old man, nestling his head in Sid’s big, round tummy.
“Whoa!” exclaimed Sid, flapping his arms around as if he were a penguin trying to take off.
“Sorry! I always forget about those tin legs…”
“Don’t worry. You’ll be able to sell me off for scrap metal when I’m gone!” he joked.
The boy smiled. “You’re funny!”
“There may be a war on, but you have to keep smiling. And laughing. Or what else are we fighting for?”
“I had never thought of it like that,” pondered the boy. “But you are right, Uncle Sid. Do you need a hand with anything today?”
“Oh! You are a good boy, but I’ve done all the mucking out. You go and enjoy yourself!”
“Thanks! I always do!”
“I know the animals will be pleased to see you after last night!”
The boy immediately knew what he meant. Last night had been the worst bombing raid by the Nazi air force (or “Luftwaffe”) in London since the war had begun.
“As soon as the air-raid warning went off, I woke Granny up. She doesn’t hear too good.”
“Yes, I know! She’s deaf as a post.”
“And even though I was still in my pyjamas and Granny was in her nightdress we ran to Blackfriars Tube. We slept the night down in the station with hundreds of others, right there on the platform.”
“How was it?” asked the old man. “Noisy, I bet.”
“And smelly. Not the best night’s sleep I’ve ever had!”
“No, but at least you and Granny were safe.”
“Where did you hide out?”
“Me? The air-raid warden ordered me to run for shelter, but I came straight here to the zoo. I had to be here to take care of the animals. Try to keep them calm.”
The boy winced at the thought of them all suffering. “How were they?”
“I did my best, but the bombs just kept on coming. Boom! Boom! Boom! I’m afraid to say your friend took it hardest. She can’t bear the noise of the bombs. Frightened out of her wits, she was.”
The boy gulped with fear. “I’d better go and see her right away.”
“You do that. I know you always cheer her up like no one else can!”
The old man ruffled the boy’s hair. Eric ran off in search of his friend.
To Eric, LONDON ZOO was a wonderland. He had never been outside London in his life, but here in just a few acres of the city were the most magical creatures from all over the world.
But there was one animal in particular that Eric loved more than any other.
Her name was Gertrude.
Gertrude the gorilla.
The funny thing about Gertrude was that she was so human, and so not human all at once.
Thick black hair covered her entire body, like a giant fur coat. Her head was enormous, with a bulging forehead as long as her face. Two unusually large ears stuck out on the sides of the gorilla’s head, just above her eyes. Gorillas normally have tiny ears, but not Gertrude. Perhaps that is why the boy felt a special connection to her. Or perhaps it was her warm ginger eyes that flashed with kindness.
The gorilla’s wide nose was wrinkled like an old lady’s. This was fitting, as Gertrude was an old lady. She was fifty, positively ancient for a gorilla. But the thought that she was some sweet old dear would be gone the moment she opened her mouth.
FANGS!
Gertrude had the most magnificent set of fangs, two up and two down.
Also not sweet-old-dear-y were her arms. They were nearly as broad as her legs, and her legs were already broader than broad. What’s more, her huge tummy was round like a barrel. The things Eric loved most about his best friend were her hands and feet. They were much like his, except they were absolutely HUMONGOUS.
Gertrude might have been the biggest of all the apes in LONDON ZOO, but she was also the gentlest. Sometimes a sparrow would fly into her cage and land on her head. You might think that a gorilla, with its incredible strength, would crush an uninvited visitor in its hand. But not Gertrude. No, she would treat the little bird like a baby. The gorilla would hold it delicately in her hand and stroke it. Sometimes she would even mimic the birdsong.