Let Me Love You

Chapter 4

Terrance looked down at his cell phone, thought about turning it off and realized it was not an option. If anything happened to Jacqueline, if there was any type of emergency, he wanted to be available. The fact that this left him open to the possibility of Brianna’s constant monitoring, harassment and other displays of annoying behavior did not escape him. He left the phone on, turned the ringer off and prayed that he would not hear from the one woman in the world who could effectively ruin his day from more than three hundred miles away.

The past eighteen months had been a living hell, though he’d remained steadfast in his determination to move forward. The two-bedroom condominium he’d recently signed a contract to purchase was something he’d originally thought of as a temporary haven. After unpacking the essentials, establishing a fairly efficient way of doing things and coming to the conclusion that moving again would be too much of a hassle, he realized that he liked the easy access the apartment provided. Located in a newly renovated section of Nassau township where tourists were seldom found, it contained all new appliances, upgrades in the things that mattered and a sweeping view of a small coastal waterway. Many of his evenings were now spent having dinner alone on the tiny veranda just outside his living/dining room as he watched the boats enter and leave the small harbor in his view.

His everyday existence consisted of work, work and more work. Which was why he’d had no qualms or second thoughts when Branch issued the weekend invitation. At the moment, Terrance was doing his best to forget the face and body of the shorty now assigned to the room across the hall from him for the weekend. Still, her smile lingered in his thoughts. Something about her made him want to see her again and he found himself eager to rejoin the group for their first night of reminiscing.

Terrance checked his watch, noted the time and decided it wouldn’t hurt to change his shirt and freshen up a bit. Fort Lauderdale sunshine and heat were different from what he was used to experiencing in Nassau. The humidity of the Florida environment took getting used to, even for him. Just as he finished brushing his teeth, his cell phone vibrated. He looked at it, shook his head and reached for it.

“Hello.”

“Hi, Terrance. I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time,” Brianna said, her breath coming in gasps.

“No, not at all. Is anything wrong?” Terrance’s pulse raced suddenly. He spit toothpaste into the sink, as adrenaline surged through his body. In the seconds that followed, he tried to tell himself that the call was probably just an unnecessary interruption, but he also realized that he stood frozen waiting for Brianna to answer his question.

“No, actually I just thought I’d call to give you some good news for a change.”

The voice on the other end of the phone suddenly sounded soft, sweetly feminine and decidedly friendly. Warning bells went off in his head and he looked at himself in the mirror. Suddenly, the whole episode seemed funny and he laughed, putting the toothbrush back into its case.

“And what would that be?” His relief was so thorough that he was caught off guard, feeling an immediate sense of relief, which was followed by an abrupt shift to curiosity.

“Oh, it’s just that Jacqueline has decided she wants to be just like her daddy and be a doctor. I thought it was the cutest thing. I also thought you’d get a kick out of hearing about it.” She laughed deeply, the intimacy of sharing their daughter’s dreams and hopes coming through in her voice.

Terrance joined her for a moment, then was brought back to present-day reality when he remembered that this was the same woman whose moods could change on a dime—and usually Terrance was the scapegoat.

The fact that their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter was still unable to speak coherently also made him realize Brianna’s statement had to be taken with a grain of salt.

In his mind, this was a woman who alternated between existences, never knowing what she really wanted or what she needed, especially when it came to him and their marriage.

Shortly after Jacqueline’s birth, Brianna had insisted that she return to work. They hadn’t really needed the money, but in the end, he’d agreed just to keep her from being miserable. As an emergency room nurse, the hours she’d picked up had taken them from simply getting by to doing very nicely. But he’d noticed a change in Brianna’s personality immediately and wondered if this was what he’d have to contend with forever. He’d also wondered if her behavior was the result of too much pressure, not enough support or just a lack of maturity. It hadn’t taken long for him to get an answer.

Daily complaints about not having enough time to be herself, not enough room to have any space and not enough air to breathe soon became a mantra. Brianna began staying out even when she wasn’t scheduled to work and often came in the following morning.

Terrance had attributed it all to stress, both on the job and in her new role as a mother. It wasn’t until he realized that they were no longer making love, no longer spending real time together and no longer communicating in any meaningful way that he began to suspect otherwise.

The arguments began including accusations, recriminations, denials and worst of all, threats which very often left him shaking his head in amazement. He’d never realized that she had been unhappy. In his mind, the baby had rounded out any rough edges the marriage had contained. In the arguments Brianna presented, their daughter’s birth had only served as a catalyst. Now, in her mind, she felt like her life, her identity and her youth were slipping away.

Terrance was unsure as to Brianna’s real motivations but one thing was sure—they would never be able to go on if the current daily tirades continued.

He’d made it clear, stood his ground and waited for Brianna’s response. He remembered the evening they’d argued and then Brianna had retired to the bedroom, emerging some twenty minutes later, dressed in a flowery tank top, white shorts and white sandals.

She’d let her hair fall down around her face, curled the ends slightly, and despite their argument earlier, Terrance couldn’t help but notice that she was still a beautiful woman. At that moment, though, the fact that his wife was looking decidedly hot in a way that reminded him of college, only angered him.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he asked, ready to do battle again to defend his home, his family, his life.

“I’m going out. There’s no sense in sticking around here watching you. I already know how you feel about this so save your breath. I’ll be back in time for you to leave for work. The baby is asleep.” Her words sounded hollow, flat—and they appeared to echo in his head as he watched her saunter over to the door.

“You have got to be kidding. Bree, we just talked about this stuff. You cannot just hang out whenever you choose to. You are a married woman, a wife, a mother—I mean, this is unheard of,” he said, his breath coming in short gasps as he struggled to keep his anger under control.

“Look, Terrance. We’ve already had this discussion. I can do anything I damn well please. I contribute to this household, I keep this place running, I take care of our daughter, I do it all.” Her voice raised with each additional chore she listed and in the end, she was almost screaming. Color rose in her cheeks and the pretty that Terrance had assigned to her only moments before, somehow now took on a grotesque quality that made him turn away.

This was his wife, the mother of his child, the woman he’d held in his arms on many nights and made love to. The woman who stood before him now no longer resembled anyone he’d ever loved or would continue to love. She was a stranger, both in emotion and intention.

He realized at that moment that their marriage was disintegrating before his eyes and the realization shook him to his core. The foundation they’d built was crumbling.

“Fine. If you feel the answer to our problems is for you to continue to run the streets each time we have words, go right ahead. I hope you find something out there that will offer you what you already have—but I sincerely doubt it,” he ended, his voice filled with emotion.

“I’m not looking for anything,” she replied curtly, then left the apartment quickly.

Several months later, with the same scene playing out over and over again, including an escalation in arguments over the same unacceptable behavior, they’d agreed to separate.

Terrance was devastated. In his mind, there was no plausible reason their marriage had failed. He attributed it to Brianna’s immaturity and his lack of ability to control her.

She’d requested the apartment, the furniture, the car and half their bank accounts. They would share custody of Jacqueline. He’d acquiesced because of one thing—guilt. He felt guilty each time he realized that his daughter had been cheated out of growing up with both her parents in the same home, and that he’d been powerless to change that eventuality.

In the end, Brianna won simply because he hadn’t wanted to drag things out any longer. He’d had to start anew, from scratch, on everything. He’d consoled himself with the fact that his daughter would benefit somehow. Seeing and hearing her parents tear one another apart couldn’t possibly be healthy or beneficial.

On a more practical note, months later, he still felt disgruntled each time he thought of the furniture they’d purchased together, or items he needed to replace, which he realized he was doing for the second time.

These thoughts and more rambled through his head quickly as he held the phone to his ear, putting one arm into a white button-down shirt, which he quickly rolled the sleeves up on.

“Listen, I just wanted you to know that your daughter is a chip off the old block. Jacqueline may have been born to two parents who were in the midst of a marital meltdown, but the genes are still there.”

“I suspect she’s a powerful mix of us both. Where is the little princess?”

“Actually, Godmother Grace just picked her up about half an hour ago. They were headed to the mall. I almost went, but decided I could get more mileage out of staying at home and catching up on a few things. I never seem to be able to catch up.” Once again, her voice edged him toward compliance, almost as if they were comrades in arms and Terrance wondered what the real reason for her call was. And then, just as if she’d read his mind, she cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

“Listen, Terry, I wanted to talk to you anyway.”

The use of the shortened version of his name stopped him cold. In the past, she’d only used that name when she either wanted something badly, or was in the throes of passion. He suspected the former and prepared himself.

“Go ahead,” he forced himself to say. It was too late to end the call or to pretend he hadn’t time to listen. He sat on the bed, his senses heightened, his mind fully ready to do combat if necessary, or to offer support if called upon.

“Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I mean, we broke up and it was like a hurricane hit. There were a lot of things said, a lot of very hastily made decisions and most importantly, a lot of extremely painful moments. If I could take any of it back, I would. But that’s not what I called you to say.”

“Okay—go on.”

“Terry, I think we made a mistake. I know it’s late, I know we’ve both said and done some things that are unforgettable. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” Her voice trailed off then and Terrance let the breath he’d been holding in out of his lungs in a silent rush. His body was no longer tense, just alert. What he’d suspected had just been confirmed. And he knew in his heart that there was no way he was going back. He also recognized that the next words spoken would make all the difference, so he chose them with extreme care. Brianna was no fool, but neither was he. If she’d come calling with her tail between her legs, he suspected there was an agenda in place.

“Bree, everything you’ve just said is probably true. Everything but the last part. I don’t think it was a mistake at all. I think we both botched up the relationship and I certainly don’t blame you for any of it, ’cause I did my share, too. Truthfully, I just think it wasn’t meant to be. Not for the long run anyway.” His last words echoed in his head as he counted the seconds, waiting for Brianna’s reply.

“Why do you think that it’s too late? I mean, is it too late for us because we never had it to begin with, or is it too late because you’ve already moved on?”

Her questions lay heavily on his heart, her voice having taken on a tone of intimacy and eagerness he’d only heard a few times in their years together. It told him of her seriousness, told him that she had indeed thought it through and, more importantly, told him that his next words could possibly be crucial to both their lives.

Terrance hesitated, gathered his thoughts, then cleared his throat.

“Brianna, I can’t tell you that I’m surprised to hear you say that you’ve thought this out because I have, too. The truth is that I think we did the right thing by initiating the divorce. For many reasons, we just weren’t right together. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. You’ll always be the mother of my daughter, someone I love very dearly and hopefully, a close friend forever, but I don’t think it would work.”

He ended the sentence and felt an illuminating moment of regret. He also felt tremendous relief at having told the truth. He inwardly wondered if that would buy him points, then realized that no one was really keeping score.

Brianna was silent for a moment, then took a deep breath. “I’m sorry you feel that way. For the record, I disagree, but then we always did have different answers. I guess that was part of the problem. We also had a different approach, and a hell of a different way at looking at life. I guess that’s how we got to where we are,” she added, a hint of cynicism in her voice.

Her tone waved a red flag to him and he wondered if she was just having a bad day or truly felt they would do things better if given a second chance.

“I want to thank you, Terrance, for being honest.”

He could hear the disappointment in her voice and wondered if he’d ever be able to forgive himself for putting it there. Then, in a moment of clarity, he chastised himself. He hadn’t fallen out of love with her—not until she had begun to run the street, stay out all night, and not before she’d made it painfully clear to him that the marriage was no longer a priority for her.

“No problem. Hell, I’m surprised that you picked up the phone to call me. That took guts. You’re one unpredictable woman, Brianna.”