Healing The Md's Heart: Healing the MD's Heart
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“I know. I’ve read everything I could get my hands on for years.” Duran stood up, walked across the room over to the sink and splashed his face with cold water. He grabbed a paper towel from the holder and turned back to her. “I’ll do whatever it takes, however long it takes.”
Lia nodded, not trusting herself to speak as she tried to banish thoughts of the myriad of things that could go wrong. Duran needed to know them all, but not today. Right now, it was more important he believe in everything that could go right. “Are you ready to talk to Noah?”
“Oh, yeah,” he said, and for the first time he smiled.
In the waiting room, they found Noah and Sammy sitting happily at a children’s table playing video games and making all manner of boy sound effects. Josh and Eliana sat nearby watching them. They looked up simultaneously as Lia and Duran walked into the room.
“Dad!” Noah bounced up and ran over to them when he spotted Duran. “Sammy has that new game I was telling you about. It’s way awesome, come check it out.”
Duran swept his son into his arms and hugged him as though he would never let him go. “Sure, in a minute, okay?” he said, his voice breaking a little.
“What’s wrong?” Noah squirmed in his father’s embrace. “You’re squashing me.”
“Sorry, I guess I was.” Duran released his son, keeping his hands on his shoulders. “I missed you, that’s all. Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, we went to the video store. I found three games I want,” he added with a hopeful look.
“No doubt,” Duran said with a chuckle. “We’ll see about that later.”
Noah’s mouth twisted. “That always means no,” he grumbled. Wriggling out of Duran’s hold, he ran back to the table to watch over Sammy’s shoulder as the older boy manipulated the game with quick fingers.
“So, you gonna keep us in suspense?” Josh asked when Noah was out of earshot.
Lia and Duran exchanged a glance and he nodded slightly, giving her tacit permission. “Sawyer’s a match,” she said, giving them a brief outline of what she’d told Duran.
Eliana, her eyes bright, caught Duran by surprise with a warm hug. “That’s wonderful. We’ve all been hoping and praying this would happen. I can only imagine how awful the waiting’s been for you.”
“Noah’s got a long way to go yet.” Lia repeated her gentle warning. She smiled at Duran. “But this is a very good start.”
“Does Sawyer know yet?” Eliana asked.
“No, I’m going to call him as soon as we’re done here. I’m sure he’ll be happy.”
“’Course he will, you know that,” Josh said, including Duran in his assurance. “We all are.”
Duran glanced at his son and then turned his smile to his brother and Eliana. “I appreciate everything you’ve all done. I’ll admit I had doubts about coming here but right now, it’s looking like the best decision I’ve ever made.”
“Good thing, since you’re stuck with us all now,” Josh said with a laugh. “Hey, you think Noah would be up for a little celebration? I promised Sammy we’d go ridin’ today. Cort and Tommy’ll be there, and Anna. Ellie’s little sister,” he added for Duran’s benefit. “She and Tommy are sweet on each other.”
Eliana grimaced. “They’re just kids.”
“They’re teenagers and if Tommy’s anything like I was…” He finished with a grin and a shrug as Eliana muttered, “God forbid,” and rolled her eyes. “So, what do you say?” Josh asked. “You and Noah wanna come along? You, too, Lia. We’ll make it a real party.”
“I don’t know,” both Lia and Duran started at the same time. He gestured her to go ahead and she said, “I’m going to be tied up here until at least three. I’m sure Noah would enjoy the outing, though, if you think he’s up to it.”
Duran hesitated then said, “I need to talk to Noah first, explain to him what’s going on.” He looked at Lia. “Would you—”
“Of course,” she answered his unspoken request. Josh and Eliana agreed to wait while she and Duran took Noah back to the patient room to tell Noah about the test results and to decide on the afternoon’s plans.
It was easier, this time, telling Noah the news, because all she had to do was echo Duran’s explanation, adding a few words of encouragement. She was pretty sure Noah didn’t hear anything beyond Duran telling him Sawyer was a match anyway.
What she hadn’t been prepared for, though, was the rush of emotion when Noah flung himself at her for an enthusiastic hug.
“I’m gonna get better!”
Lia returned his hug, swallowed her tears and put on a smile for him. “We’re going to do everything we can to make that happen.”
“You’re the best doctor ever,” Noah told her, grinning from ear to ear.
“I don’t know about that. Your uncle Sawyer is going to be doing more than me. But thank you.” She blinked hard as she gently brushed a wayward lock of hair from his forehead. “I think you’re pretty special, too.”
She was glad for the reprieve when Duran repeated Josh’s invitation to go riding. Noah was practically glowing with excitement.
“Can we go now?” he asked. “’Cept—” He frowned. “I don’t know how to ride a horse. I only ride bikes.”
Lia laughed and gently ruffled his hair. “You don’t need to know how. You can ride with your dad or maybe Josh will find you a gentle older horse who’s not in any hurry. Do you like to ride?” she asked Duran.
He shrugged. “I’ve enjoyed it the few times I’ve done it but I can’t say I’m any cowboy. I’m a cyclist and so is Noah.”
“That won’t be a problem. Josh gives riding lessons to special-needs kids like Sammy. He’s good at matching people and horses.”
“Can everybody come?” Noah asked. “All my cousins?”
“Not today,” Duran said with a smile. “And we’re not going anywhere ourselves until after you’ve had lunch and a nap. I want to call your grandparents, too, and give them the news.”
Noah’s grumbled objections accompanied them back into the waiting room, abating only when Josh told him it would be late afternoon before everyone else could go, too.
“I’ve got to put in a couple of hours at the school,” Josh said, referring to the training center for would-be rodeo riders he and a friend had launched several months ago. “And Cort and Tommy are givin’ Rafe a hand around the ranch. Why don’t we meet at four? We can ride down to the pond and let the kids mess around awhile and then you can come back to our place for dinner. That work for you, Lia?”
“You’re coming, right?” Noah looked at her and then glanced to his dad.
Lia saw the hesitation cross Duran’s face. It was all still so new, his brothers, nephews and nieces, her—probably her more than anything else. She sensed his uneasiness and the last thing she wanted was to add to it. “I’d love to, but—”
“Great, then it’s settled,” Josh broke in.
Doubting it, at least in Duran’s case, Lia nearly made the excuse of work to back out of it. The excitement and expectation in Noah’s eyes gave her pause. She hated to disappoint the little boy and at the same time she didn’t want to make things harder for his father.
“It sounds good,” Duran answered before she could say anything. He looked at her, his slight smile rueful. “Are you okay with that?”
She knew he was asking about more than the afternoon’s plans and she really wanted to ask him the question in return. But there didn’t seem to be a good way to do that in front of Josh and Eliana. “I guess I could take a few hours off this afternoon. My last appointment is at three and I’m not on call today.”
“Then it’s a date,” Duran told Josh. “And thanks for everything.”
“Hey, you know we’re here for you and Noah, don’t you? I know it’s not been easy, gettin’ used to havin’ so much family all at once. But I meant what I said before, you’re stuck with us all now.”
Eliana smiled warmly, “And that does mean all of us.”
They said their goodbyes then, gathering up Sammy and leaving Duran and Lia to face each other.
“I hope you know that I’m here for you and Noah, too, however I can help,” she said.
“Is that professionally or personally?”
“I—”
“Never mind.” He shook his head as if irritated at himself for asking her. He looked at her a long moment, the intensity of his searching gaze making Lia want to look away before he saw too much. Then he said softly, “I know I’ve said it before, but thank you.” Leaning to her, he brushed a kiss over her cheek.
Warmth spread through her from his light touch and for a second she let herself savor the feel of his mouth against hers and for so much more.
“Are you done? Can we go now?” Noah interrupted. “I wanna go ride the horses.”
Noah’s protest broke their spell and they laughed and moved apart.
“Come on, pal,” Duran said, taking Noah by the hand, “let’s get out of here so Dr. Kerrigan can get back to work.”
Lia bent and gave Noah a hug. “We’ll be talking again about some exciting things for you soon. For today, though, I’ll just finish up here so I can meet you at the ranch later.”
“We’ll be looking forward to it,” Duran said and after all her doubts about whether or not he wanted her there, Lia believed it was true.
Chapter Six
“All saddled up and ready to ride,” Josh said with a brisk slap to the plump old paint’s rump. “Peggy here will do just fine for you, Noah. She’s used to goin’ nice and slow. Anna never had a bit of trouble with her when she was learnin’ to ride.”
“This is my horse,” Sammy, sitting atop a smaller mare, proudly pointed out to Noah. “Her name is Sarah. I always ride her.”
Nearby, Cort was helping Tommy lengthen his stirrup, Anna watching from the horse beside them. “If you keep growing like this, we’re gonna have to find you a new saddle.” He turned to Duran. “Just wait until Noah hits his teens. You can’t keep ’em clothed or fed.”
Duran had rarely let himself indulge in imaging Noah as a teenager. The thought that he might never see his son grow up always quelled his visions. But now, could he dare to indulge in thinking of, even planning for Noah’s future? Every cell in his body screamed yes, but the euphoria of hearing Sawyer was a match was dispelling, leaving in its wake all-too-familiar fears. At the hospital all he could feel was hope. After even a few short hours of mulling things over, letting the news sink in, reason declared war on blind optimism.
He distanced himself from the raging conflict of emotions, not willing to air them to his brothers, and simply answered Cort with a noncommittal, “So I’ve heard.”
Cort stopped what he was doing and laid a hand on Duran’s shoulder. Duran tensed, but it didn’t seem to discourage Cort. “You’ll find out. Josh told me the great news about Sawyer.”
“It is good news,” Duran said, thinking how inadequate his words were compared to his feelings. “I’m still a little overwhelmed, I guess.”
“I can see why. But you’ve got the best pediatrician in town on your team.” Both men turned to catch Lia a few feet away throwing one long, slender leg over her mount. “And she’s not a half-bad horsewoman either.”
Lia, not knowing they were talking about her, threaded the reins through her fingers. “Where are your girls and your little boy today?” she called over to Cort.
“Quin had a playdate and the girls are at ballet. Angela would have gladly skipped it to come riding, but Laurel wouldn’t hear of it. That’s what they get for having a teacher for a mother. Laurel would consider it an insult to another teacher to let her daughter ditch class.”
“Too bad for them,” Tommy said, slanting a grin at Anna. “They’re gonna be jealous we got to go.”
Cort gave Tommy a stern look. “No rubbing it in or next time you’ll be sitting in on ballet class.”
The threat made Noah giggle. “That would be way funny.”
“Ha, ha,” Tommy shot back.
Finishing Tommy’s stirrups, Cort turned back to Duran. “I know you keep hearing this, but anything Laurel and I can do—” he paused “—anything at all. We’re here.”
“I told him he was stuck with us,” Josh added as he lifted Noah onto Peggy’s back. He gave Noah a quick lesson on how to steady himself and stay upright, then swung into the saddle of his own mount.
Duran appreciated the gesture; he still couldn’t believe how readily and easily his brothers had accepted him, Noah and their situation. It almost seemed too good to be true, and a big part of him feared it was. While none of his brothers had said or done anything to justify his doubts yet, he had long abandoned the habit of relying on anyone else for support or comfort.
And that’s why you keep spilling everything to Lia? Because you don’t share, you don’t rely on anyone?
He caught her watching him and the slight questioning expression on her face made him wonder what she’d read in his. Shaking off his introspection, he looked between Cort and Josh and said, “I don’t know how to thank you, all of you.”
“By helpin’ us get these kids to the pond.” Josh pointed to a wooded area to the east. “We’ll keep it to a walk, since it’s your first time, Noah.”
“Can we go already?” Noah insisted, wriggling excitedly in his saddle.
Duran watched his eager son, reins in hand, looking as comfortable and confident on Peggy as a boy who’d grown up on a ranch. “Stay close to Dr. Kerrigan and me, okay?”
“Tommy, you and Anna keep an eye on Noah, same as you do with Angela,” Cort called after his son, who’d already taken the group’s lead.
Tommy waved him off over his shoulder and let out an exaggerated sigh. “I know, I know.”
“Don’t worry,” Josh said, “Noah will be fine. Peggy’s real good with kids and she knows her way to the pond. All Noah’s gotta do is hold on.”
Wanting to believe Josh, Duran nodded, but the protective father in him wouldn’t rest easy again until Peggy was back in the barn and Noah was safely on solid ground.
Once started in the right direction, the group of them fell into a comfortable pattern, the kids riding a little ahead, he and Lia side by side behind them, Cort and Josh bringing up the rear. Duran began to relax a bit, soak in the sun and breathtaking high country scenery. It was then he was finally able to focus his attention on Lia.
She fairly glowed beneath the afternoon sun, her hair threaded with a thousand different highlights of copper and gold, her cheeks flushed soft pink, a slight smile curving her lips as she savored the air fragrant with pinion and sage.
“You ride well,” he said, taking note of the curve of her backside and thighs beneath slim jeans as her body rose and fell in harmony with her horse’s rhythm.
“Me? No, hardly,” she said with a chuckle. “I’ve never had time to pursue it as a sport or a hobby. Medical school, then my practice pretty much precluded getting good at any sports.”
“You could have fooled me. You ride like a natural.”
“You’re not doing so badly yourself for someone not used to a horse.”
They smiled at each other. “I haven’t fallen off yet, so I guess that’s progress. I have to admit, this is a nice change. My preferred mode of transport is my bicycle. In California, I hardly use a car. Now that Noah is old enough to ride with me, when he’s feeling up to it, we bike everywhere together.”
“What a great thing to do together. Did you grow up riding bikes a lot?”
Nodding, Duran remembered his childhood fondly. “Yeah, my dad got me into it. We used to spend endless hours messing around in the garage, building bikes, taking them apart, getting new components and rebuilding them. He ran sort of a neighborhood bike shop out of our garage.” He glanced over to Lia, noticing she had a distant look in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m boring you.”
Lia’s horse sneezed and shook all over. She bent and stroked his neck. “Almost to the pond, where you can take a rest under a shady tree,” she soothed. Slowly, she turned toward Duran, a strangely solemn look on her face. “You’re not boring me at all,” she answered softly. “I’m imagining what it must have been like growing up with parents who spent so much time with you, and thinking how lucky Noah is to have such a devoted father.”
The few things she’d said, the old pain underlying her words, made him wonder, yet hesitant to ask directly about her childhood. It might be something she wasn’t comfortable talking about with him. But curiosity got the best of him and he asked straight out, “I get the impression you aren’t that close to your parents.”
Lia laughed, but it was a brittle sound, without joy. “That would be the understatement of the century. I spent very little time with my parents. They were far too occupied messing up their lives to waste time trying to improve ours. I taught myself to ride a bike, finally, out of embarrassment at being the last kid on the block to learn, at about Noah’s age. I fell so many times, my knees still have scars. Neither of my parents had time to help me. Between work, destroying their marriage, divorce, remarriage, boyfriends and girlfriends, kids were mostly an inconvenient blip in their social schedules.”
Duran could barely conceive that kind of life, although he wasn’t naive enough to think it didn’t exist. He’d been lucky. Compared to his stable, constant, loving middle-class upbringing, her childhood sounded like a bad soap opera.
He couldn’t help but wonder how years of living with instability had affected her own sense of self, her ideas of love and commitment. Red flags immediately went up and he knew one thing for certain. He had to get to know Lia Kerrigan a lot better before allowing his son to get any closer or investing more of himself in her.
They rode along in an awkward silence for several minutes, the only sound a muffled clop of the horses’ hooves through tall grass. Ahead of them, the sound of the kids’ talking and laughing made happy music on the breeze.
When he turned to her, he found her watching him, her eyes now veiled in caution. “I’ve scared you, haven’t I? You didn’t grow up at all the way I did.”
“No, I didn’t. In fact, you’d probably call my life dull compared to yours. My parents, who were quite a bit older than is typical by the time they decided to adopt, loved me and doted on me, but I never felt spoiled, exactly. We didn’t have a lot of money, but we did have a lot of love in our house, Mom and Dad for each other and each of them for me. I guess that’s why I grew up being naive to the fact that all marriages are not so idyllic.” Unwillingly, the memory of the day Amber walked out on Noah and him reared up from the dark corner of his mind where he’d shoved it. He shook his head in remembered anger and pain. “Mine certainly wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve never been married, but I have been through more breakups and separations, mostly because of my parents’, than I can count. It hurts every time, especially if you don’t see it coming.”
“I should have. I did, probably. I just didn’t want to see it because it didn’t fit the image in my head. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to me. Not to Noah. When I married, I married for life, just like my parents. For better or for worse—all that idealistic stuff.”
“And now?” Lia asked, brushing aside an errant strand of hair the light wind had blown across her cheek. “What do you believe?”
Duran watched the delicate play of her slender fingers over her smooth, flushed skin. Looking at her—strong, radiant with health and vivacity, yet soft with caring and tenderness toward him and Noah—he wanted to say he felt nothing but hope, that his beliefs were unshaken despite his ex-wife’s abandonment.
But that would be a lie. The truth was his idealism had been shaken to its core. And despite the genuineness of Lia’s compassion and kindness, he had to remind himself to remain on guard, to be wary even though it felt so natural to be vulnerable to her. Like no other woman he’d met, from the start something about her relaxed his usual defenses. He almost couldn’t help but open himself to her, yet he knew he had to resist that impulse for Noah’s sake and his.
Finally he shifted in his saddle and twisted to look at her. “I believe people still find that kind of love, the kind that lasts a lifetime. But I also believe those people are few and far between.”
Lia’s smile fell away, betraying her disappointment at his answer. “That’s too bad. I was hoping that if anyone could have optimism about love and marriage it would be you. Because of your parents, I mean.”
“I haven’t totally lost it,” he said lightly. “But I’ve definitely gotten out of the habit of thinking it’s going to be a part of my life. I’ve been on my own for so long now that it’s hard for me to imagine myself ever finding someone I’d be willing to share it with again.”
“Yes…” She glanced away, focusing on the path ahead. “It’s hard, when you’re afraid of losing someone you love.”
It wasn’t exactly his meaning and at first he thought she was referring to Noah. But his next impression was that it was more about her vulnerability or one she thought they shared.
They once more fell into an uneasy silence, avoiding looking at each other, until thankfully, the kids turned around then, Tommy helping Noah swing his mount around, starting back toward them.
Pulling their horses up nose to nose with Lia and Duran’s, Noah was all smiles. “The pond’s up there. Can I go with everybody else?”
Cort and Josh caught up to them then and Cort grabbed Noah’s reins. “We’ll go with them. You and Lia can take your time.”
“You won’t have any trouble findin’ us,” Josh said with a nod toward the kids. “Just follow the noise.”
“Watch me, Dad, I can ride,” Noah said gleefully. With that he gave Peggy a nudge in the flanks and the old horse picked up the pace ever so slightly, following obediently in the path of the other horses.
Duran laughed at his son’s enthusiasm as the group moved off, the awkwardness with Lia forgotten in his happiness at seeing Noah enjoy himself. “This was a great idea. He’s having a blast. Thanks for riding out here with us.”
“My pleasure,” Lia said, her tone shifting from intimate friend to kindly, as if she’d put back on the mantle of professionalism.
Duran followed Lia on a path that led them out from under the beating sun on open grazing land, into a wooded hideaway. He dodged low-lying branches and scrub bushes until the dense green foliage opened up around a lush, blue pond, little shards of sunlight sparkling atop it, dancing the lazy summer afternoon away.
The rest of the group had already tethered their horses where they could sip cool water and nibble on thick grass. Noah now sat with Sammy on the edge of an old wood dock, pants rolled up, bare feet splashing in the inviting water. Anna and Tommy had already abandoned them and, after shedding their jeans, had jumped in the pond to swim.
“Can I go swimming, Dad?” Noah called out as Duran lowered himself to the ground. “Can I? I know how.”
“If it’s okay with you, I promised Sammy,” Josh said.
“Don’t worry,” Cort added. “Josh and I grew up swimming here and I bring my kids all the time.”
Lia, dismounting next to him, nodded to Duran’s brothers. “You’ve got some pretty good lifeguards here.”
“Go ahead,” Duran told Noah. “Just stay close. I’ll be right here.”
With a whoop, Noah followed Sammy’s example and stripped down to his boxers. Both boys jumped off the end of the dock in a cannonball that left Lia and Duran partly drenched in cold pond water.
The two boys’ heads sprang up in moments. What they saw sent them bursting into uncontrolled laughter. With a quick high five, they paddled off toward a big tree with a rope swing that flew over the pond.
Lia and Duran exchanged looks, then burst out laughing, too. “They got us,” Duran said. “Sorry.”
“No apologies necessary,” Lia said as she swiped a strand of soaked hair from her eyes. “It actually felt great. I was sweltering.”
A glance passed between Cort and Josh and by some silent agreement they moved off a few feet, eventually giving in to the calls and challenges from the kids and joining them in the water.
Still smiling, Lia turned and moved to a shady patch near a stand of trees.