The Blue Days Of Mine. Extended Version

The author of the cover is Vlada Ivants. Автор обложки Влада Иванц.

Baby, you understand me now,

If sometimes you see that I'm mad.

© «Don't let me be misunderstood»

by Bennie Benjamin, Horace Ott & Sol Marcus

FOREWORD

That's the end of the blue days of mine!

I've been waiting for so, so long to say these words. I'm glad that this very recent feeling of freedom allows me to put two meanings into this phrase at once: this poem book anticipates the imminent end of this creative era of mine, and my sad, drab days are really over.

Anyway, this new version of TBDOM was planned a long time ago and was supposed to include not only new songs and poems, which I wrote as if by inertia immediately after the release of the book, but also other interesting things that I didn't think of initially.

Honestly, I hate the prologue of the first version of TBDOM. If you want to know why, just remember the first question I asked you, «Do you understand me?» Well, I don't care if someone understands me or not. And if they don't understand me, then they shouldn't, if they don't want to, then they don't have to understand me or pretend to do it. I realized that I just need to let others and myself live in peace. Don't like it? Ok! Like? It's cool! Thank you if you support me. It's okay if you don’t like me.

Well, now I can say that this release should be a feast in honour of the last few months of The Blue Days Of Mine era. I have learned a lot during this time; I have become much older. The process of my growing up, my cheerful, sad, happy, good and bad days are reflected in this period. But perhaps it's time to let this part of my work end. The English language, British, American and Russian culture in this international language has greatly influenced what I create, write or do. So, if in the future some person interested in me studies my books and life, he will not be able to do it without knowledge of this period and lyrics. That is why we must celebrate the end of the blue days of mine.

So, let's raise our glasses of burgundy wine!

CURE MY MENTAL FLU

6 new poems and songs have been added to this chapter among the order of the old ones.

***

poem

Hello, my dear readers.

I think you're confused.

My poems are like creepers,

They're going to kill you.

It's all my poisonous sadness.

Blame it for everything.

I can be quite reckless.

I can do anything…

April 22nd, 2024

Translation/ Перевод на русский:

***

Дорогой читатель, ты,

Должно быть, с толку сбит.

Мои поэмы, как вьюны,

Прочёл их – и убит.

Печаль моя ведь ядовита,

Во всем вини ты лишь её.

А я давно уж с толку сбита

И сделать могу… всё.

21.05.2024

Secrets

new poem

All of the secrets that I kept

Will be with me until the end.

My dreams, my plans, my thoughts

Are untied like precarious knots.

But even if it messes up,

There's no point to just give up.

It all seems pointless, although

I will survive, just 'cause I know.

I know I'm mad because it hurts.

I know I said some simple words.

I know they'll keep blaming me.

But I will not stop being me.

March 1st, 2025

Mental flu

poem

When the heavens are silent,

I think about what I need to do.

I guess I'm just a little tired.

It's some kind of mental flu.

The geometry is quite simple:

The parallels do not intersect.

You and I are parallel people:

We don't fight; we don't protect.

The world is wonderful, can't you see?

The clouds are white; the sky is blue.

But you're not who you used to be.

I guess, you've caught my mental flu.

April 27th, 2024

Malady

song

[Verse 1]

There are no good lyricists left in our century

And no right medicines have been invented, ¹

There were holy people next to me while I was sick.

I wonder where I would be now if they didn't help me.

[Chorus]

I was left alone, as a typical hero of post-apocalyptic.

Me, my demons, my maladies are the perfect triptych.

It's impossible to cure the one who revels in his illness.

You know, my maladies have replaced all my feelings.

[Verse 2]

All the best lyricists died due to shock therapy.

During bad trips, any artist praises his malady.

But when the fever starts, he curses his great insight.

Then he dies knowing that he has performed his rite right.

[Chorus]

I was left alone, as a typical hero of post-apocalyptic.

Me, my demons, my maladies are the perfect triptych.

It's impossible to cure the one who revels in his illness.

You know, my maladies have replaced all my feelings.

[Bridge]

And my insight brought me only harsh contempt.

I couldn't score а hundred, but it was a great attempt.

Run, Forest, run, if you don't want to wallow in the mud. ²

I don't need anything divine, I'm tired of this fight.

Holy people turn away, 'cause they cannot pray for me.

And now there is only me and my favourite malady.

[Chorus]

I was left alone, as a typical hero of post-apocalyptic.

Me, my demons, my maladies are the perfect triptych.

It's impossible to cure the one who revels in his illness.

You know, my maladies have replaced all my feelings.

Holy people turn away, 'cause they cannot pray for me.

And now there is only me and my favorite malady.

Eeeh-eeh

Hear this melody.

Fear this malady.

Eeeh-eeh.

June 6th, 2024

¹ The meaning of these lines is explained by the opinion of the lyrical hero, who is Norton Wells (although this song is not included in the chapter dedicated to him), that there are no good lyricists now, meaning that they have either died out (this becomes clear in the second verse). Norton admits that he is unwell in every sense. And by medications, he means something that could help him cope with mental problems. However, there are still no such pills. In the second verse, Nort means that many lyricists were persecuted and "forced to heal" so that their writings would also please those in power. That is why there are no more good lyricists.

² «Run, Forest, Run» is a famous phrase from the story of Forest Gump. Now it is actively used in moments where you need to either literally run, or do something very actively and selflessly. So, Norton realizes that if he stops, he will definitely fall into the mud and will not be able to get out, because there are no holy people around.

Robots

new poem

You aren't a robot,

And darling, me neither.

Let's declare a boycott

Let's kill the new Caesar.

Robots can't be afraid,

They carry out orders.

And they can't be blamed.

They are soulless warders.

Robots obey.

We can't make them think.

But they can betray

And robots can kill.

They couldn't care less

That you are their master.

If they are asked such a case,

They'll complete the disaster.

And we gonna use it.

We'll teach them to fight.

But when we all lose it,

We all gonna die.

Robots obey.

They're always in sync.

And they did betray

'Cause robots can kill.

February 14th, 2025

Analysis: I wrote this poem under the impression of the TV series "Love. Death. Robots". Especially I was attracted by the episode Kill Team Kill, which showed the struggle of people with a robot monster. However, this poem looks like a compilation of everything that people have come up with about "evil robots". However, there is another idea hidden here: some thinkers tend to believe that the political elite controls the mass of people like robots and they do it without respect and love. Robots don't need all this, but humans do, so even if robots can rebel against human hegemony, it's not surprising what humans can do the same. But humans are mortal, they can be killed, but robots can create themselves so they become immortal. Anyway, the main idea of the poem: you taught your slave to kill, so why are you surprised that your slave killed you?

Dethroning

Song

[Verse 1]

Can I ask one more favour?

Praise your Queen and save her

And go fight for my crown.

I thought I had a great army,

But they are vile and smarmy,

I know they will let me down.

[Pre-chorus]

My castle is crumbling down. ¹

The clang of chains is loud.

'Cause I won the cursed renown.

[Chorus]

Do you hear me being called great?

I can't hear it anymore, it's too late.

I am no longer the authority here,

People curse the reason for my being.

Once I was the missionary of the Sun, ²

But the hour of my dethroning has come.

[Verse 2]

I was held up so high,

I had the best empire,

I used to rule the world. ³

Now I fear I fell from grace,

They don't wanna see my face.

I am no longer their Lord.

[Pre-chorus]

What has my reign brought?

Hunger, plague, besieged fort.

Let them send me to court.

[Chorus]

Do you hear me being called mad?

I can hear it, well, it's too late.

I am no longer the authority here,

People curse the reason for my being.

I am the missionary of the Sun,

But the hour of my dethroning has come.

[Bridge]

I ended up at the Bal des Ardents, ⁴

I was beloved a few years ago,

Now they think I'm madder than Charles VI.⁵

I was made of glass and I can't be fixed.

[Chorus]

Do you hear how they wish me dead?

I do hear it, but it's too late.

I am no longer the authority here,

People curse the reason for my being.

They found me guilty, so I'm loathed

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

[Post-chorus]

I was beloved a few years ago,

I ended up at the Bal des Ardents

They found me guilty, so I'm loathed

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

I'm dying 'cause I'm being dethroned.

May 2nd, 2024

¹ «My castle is crumbling down» is a reference to the song Castles Crumbling by Taylor Swift (feat. Hayley Williams) from the album Speak Now (Taylor's Version).

² Missionary of the Sun is partly a reference to Louis XIV, who was nicknamed the "sun King". His rule is characterized by absolutism and touchy cruelty (especially on the grounds of diminishing his power capabilities). This is partly a reference to the general idea of the role of the ruler, who in many countries of Antiquity and the Middle Ages was considered a messenger (missionary = messenger) of God.

³ «I used to rule the world» is a reference to the Coldplay song "Viva La Vida", which begins with this line.

⁴ Bal des Ardents is the first reference to Charles VI, the king of France, famous for his madness. This ball is an event from the history of France, which was also depicted in a famous miniature from Froissart's Chronicles or in a painting by Rochegrosse. A masquerade ball was held in Paris in 1393, and artists disguised as savages and demons participated in it. A tragedy occurred at the ball. The costumes of six participants, including Charles VI himself, caught fire because of the torch. Four died from burns, Charles VI, of course, survived, but out of his mind. The incident aggravated the unstable mental state of the king, after which a new nickname gradually began to be established for him. Among the lines of the song, there is another reference made using the word "beloved". the Beloved is the first nickname of Charles VI. His subjects were pleased with the policy he pursued at the beginning of his reign, which is why they gave him such a nickname, but it soon changed to the Mad.

⁵ Madder than Charles VI/ I was made of glass is his psychological illness. It manifested itself in uncontrollable fits of anger, in the agony of which Charles VI once even killed several people, and in paranoia. In this way, I create a parallel – the lyrical heroine of the song is considered crazy, because of the paranoia that manifests itself in the fear of losing power. Another manifestation of Charles VI's mental illness: towards the end of his life, he began to believe that he was made of glass. Because of this, he tried to protect himself in every possible way so as not to crash. In fact, this is a very real mental disorder. This is the glass delusion, also known as the "glass plague".

Nightmares

song

[Verse 1]

The white noise is playing in my mind.

The black horse is carrying the black knight.

The crimson blood oozing from my sores.

The grey mass is an army of lost souls. ¹

[Pre-chorus]

The whole world is pale as a corpse.

But everyone acts like no one knows.

[Chorus]

Well, look at my face

I'm out of my colours,

And only bleak shadows

Left.

It's not a tough case.

I'll paint a new picture

There'll be only a creature

Of my nightmares.

[Verse 2]

My blue days are slowly dragging on.

All the colours on the canvas are gone.

My heart faded and turned black.

In scarlet colours, people's hearts tend to break.

[Pre-chorus]

My soul shone with silver and gold.

But its paints were stolen and sold.

[Chorus]

Well, look at my face

I'm out of my colours,

And only bleak shadows

Left.

It's not a tough case.

I'll paint a new picture

There'll be only a creature

Of my nightmares.

[Verse 3]

Claude Monet's paintings arouse

Fury because of tenderness and flowers. ²

Well, if you hate brightness that much.

Then enjoy the horrors of Munch. ³

March 7th, 2024

¹ In this verse, there are various images that may resemble paintings by famous artists. For example, the first image of the black knight on the horse refers to the story of the artist Curtis Talves Santiago, for whom the image of the Black Knight in a Renaissance painting became a source of inspiration. It’s the painting "Chafariz d'el-Rey (The King's Fountain)" by an unknown author, painted between 1570 and 1580. It depicts a Black Knight on horseback. Santiago was intrigued by this image and began creating works dedicated to this character. In drawings, paintings, sculptures, and videos, the artist constructed a mythical past for this hero, whom he named "Knight J'ouvert".

² Claude Monet is a French artist, one of the founders of Impressionism. His works, filled with light, colour and movement, changed the way we think about painting.

³ Edward Munch is a Norwegian artist, one of the first representatives of expressionism. Munch's paintings are imbued with motives of anxiety, despair, horror and death, but at the same time, in many works there is hope and attempts to escape from a psychological crisis.

Permanent tattoo

new song

[Outro]

If you let me down, I don't know what I'll do.

If you let me drown, I don't think I will sue.

If you let me down, I won't even feel blue.

Cause, darling, I know what it all was to you.

[Verse 1]

I think we should change, but we must stay the same.

I quote Shakespeare and Homer, then Lana Del Rey. ¹

We're free, we are pure, we're lucky, some say

That we are birds of a feather and we're birds of prey.

Of prey. Gonna pray?

[Chorus]

If you leave me here, I won't have any clue,

If you're a believer, then I'm just a view.

If you call it a fever, then I call it a flu.

If I make you shiver, then I scare like a boo.

I knew, but I knew, 'cause I knew, I knew.

I knew, I knew. I knew, I knew. I knew,

You'll be stuck on my body like a permanent tattoo.

[Verse 2]

Well, we must admit our plans all fell through.

We both need to take on something completely new.

But you will stay like a dried blood under the nail.

They say your bad name will become my bad fame.

Some say, it is okay.

[Chorus]

If you only tell lies, I will only tell the truth.

Don't inflate the price, they don't need any proof.

Well, the profit is paltry, but you still withdrew,

All just for the sake of getting positive reviews.

Well, that's true, in my view, in my view, in my view.

I just wanna leave you, I don't even hate you.

[Bridge]

If you laid these rails, then where is your train?

If you decide to race, then where is the plane?

Well you said it was windless, but I knew that the wind blew

Why are you waiting for me to get in your queue

Instead of you?! I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew.

I won't be able to remove you, like a permanent tattoo.

[Chorus]

If you let me down, well, I couldn't care less.

'Cause take a little note, we weren't even just friends.

If you let me down, I wouldn't even be mad.

Just like them all, you are another person I met.

I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew,

You'll leave scars like a permanent tattoo removed.

I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew, I knew,

Everything will happen again and my body will be tattooed.

February 25th, 2025

¹ William Shakespeare is English poet and playwright, often referred to as the national poet of England. He is considered one of the greatest playwrights and poets in the history of literature. He wrote such famous plays as "Romeo and Juliet", "Hamlet" and others.

Homer is the ancient Greek poet, who is credited with the authorship of two epic poems – "Iliad" and "Odyssey".

Lana Del Rey is an American singer, songwriter and poet, eleven-time Grammy Award nominee. Born on June 21, 1985 in New York, USA.

This line means that I equally appreciate both the classics and the eternal masterpieces of the centuries-old culture of mankind, as well as the modern work of musicians and other cultural figures.

Human being

song

[Verse 1]

All your lovely expectations

Are the devil's temptations.

Love is just the best deception,

False and expensive satisfaction.

Oh.

Well-known beautiful princess

Spends her nights with sleeplessness.

Her prince showed worthlessness.

The personification of hopelessness.

[Pre-chorus]

Oh, Lord

What was she thinking?

Now her ship is sinking.

All she has to do is pray.

She should throw it all away.

[Chorus]

She doesn't

Have to fight other people's demons.

A person doesn't have to fight all the villains.

We are not superheroes,

We are just human beings.

She mustn't

Stitch and glue her little broken heart,

Live with it while it falls and falls apart.

She's not a selfish villain,

She's just a human being.

[Verse 2]

All our hopes and wishes

Turn into dirty dishes.

His quack healing fictions

Write out their prescriptions.

Oh.

Not love, but your health

Is real human wealth.

Princess, love yourself

And don't trust your blind faith.

[Pre-chorus]

Oh, Lord

She's on her way to hell.

All her prayers didn't help.

But she will continue to fight,

Until she sleeps peacefully at night.

[Chorus]

She doesn't

Have to fight other people's demons

A person doesn't have to fight all the villains.

We are not superheroes

We are just human beings.

She mustn't

Stitch and glue her little broken heart,

Live with it while it falls and falls apart.

She's not a selfish villain,

She's just a human being.

[Bridge]

You got your desired knight

To get your dragon killed,

You got your desired night.

To get your peaceful dream.

You're just a human being.

You're losing your dream knight,

You have only a dented shield,

You're getting ready to fight

Against the dragon on the battlefield.

But you're just a human being.

You're just a human being.

[Chorus]

And you don't

Have to fight other people's demons

A person doesn't have to fight all the villains.

We are not superheroes

We are just human beings.

You won't

Stitch and glue your little broken heart,

Won't live with it until it falls apart.

You're not a selfish villain,

You're just a human being.

[Pre-chorus]

You got your desired knight

To get your dragon killed,

You got your desired night.

To get your peaceful dream.

You're just a human being.

You're losing your dream knight,

You have only a dented shield,

You're getting ready to fight

Against the dragon on the battlefield.

But you're just a human being.

You're just a human being.

August 2nd, 2023

Play

poem

There's a play about violence,

It reminds me of my bright blue days.

Don't expect kindness from the audience.

So many people, but an empty space.

Oh, that feeling of evil loneliness.

Well, they show it pretty well.

Life from holidays to other holidays

Is the main tragedy of today.

I'm playing a strange role in this play.

It wasn't seen and understood.

And I'll take off my mask one day.

But my intentions are not really good.

There's the purest evil in my eyes.

Good people think it's a delusion.

Well, there's always devil in disguise.

It's not exceptional, but usual.

2022

The Black Sea

new song

[Verse 1]

Mauve sunset in mountains,

I haven't seen it for a while.

And St. Petersburg fountains

Haven't pleased me for a long time.

But the most painful thing

Is another breakup.

I miss the Black Sea.

And this is my only love.

[Chorus]

It cries, it screams, it suffers, it rushes again.

Black fuel oil, black harbour, black shore and black pain. ¹

My tears are blacker than the night, my cry is a roar.

If tears are my weapon, then this crying is war.

You say I'm so weak, well, honey, we'll see.

If you wanna know, I am the black sea.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

[Verse 2]

I remember how blue

The water was there.

This place is my youth.

It's incredibly rare.

Now it poisoned and sad.

It's sick and me too.

Well, we both feel so bad.

We both have a flu.

[Chorus]

It cries, it screams, it suffers, it rushes again.

Black fuel oil, black harbour, black shore and black pain.

My tears are blacker than the night, my cry is a roar.

If tears are my weapon, then this crying is war.

You say I'm so weak, well, honey, we'll see.

If you want to know, I am the black sea.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

The Black Sea, e-e-e, e-e-e.

[Post-chorus]

We'll see the black sea, the black sea, the black sea

We'll see the black sea, the black sea, the black sea