The Complete Works of Josh Billings

THE LOAFER

The loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the privilege ov abuzing others.

He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August.

He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re-echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.

He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit.

He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt.

During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and robs all the hens’ nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.

During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else’s expense.

During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.

This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers.

The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer.

The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.

THE PROJEKTOR

The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan’t alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.

He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it.

He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz.

The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain’t no one kan beat them at standing on one legg.

I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer in their own estimashun than Crœsus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus.

They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it.

I hav known several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby.

I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partikular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calfs liver.

But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished.

THE KONDEM PHOOL

Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz the natral, and the other iz the kondem.

Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch lightly before I git thru.

The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.

He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank thissell.

The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit ov the job.

Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the ockashun.

He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.

The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.

Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.

The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this world, he ain’t alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.

I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish.

It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it.

Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew the supply.

I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living.

Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following:

The “Profeshional Phool,” one who travels for a living.

The “Wag Phool,” one who is a phool on private ackount.

The “Bizzness Phool,” one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market.

The “Radikal Phool,” one who kant help it.

The “Conservatiff Phool,” one who kan help it, but wont.

The “Meek Phool,” one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast.

The “Hipreshure Phool,” one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.

The “Silly Phool,” one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him.

The “Wise Phool,” one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs everyboddy.

And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.

THE PRECISE MAN

The “Precise Man,” sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, And when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz hed, and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even.

If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so – if he iz a bachelor it must be more so.

He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd numbers.

He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter.

The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a setter dog’s, for he seldum makes a false point.

He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner.

He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle.

He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer.

Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe sope.

The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen.

He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung.

THE OBTUSE MAN

The obtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron bound like a beetle.

He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts.

It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a pepperidge log.

He alwus sez “Yes” to what he don’t understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone.

He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore.

He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cums tew die he iz az well seasoned az a foot-ball.

If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn’t alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist.

Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide open.

THE POSATIFF MAN

The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn’t win.

He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don’t happen he knew that too.

If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn’t help but happen.

He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks at.

Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor ennything old, he iz more certain ov things than Webster’s unabridged dickshionary.

The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz.

He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last tew be a good hit.

The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very malishus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest.

THE CROSS MAN

The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, followed by flies.

He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl.

He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan’t tell, tew save hiz life.

Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him.

He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble.

Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyer tew kure.

He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so.

THE PASHUNT MAN

The pashunt man never sez “dam it,” however much he may think so.

He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales.

He kan’t tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be nothing but numbness after all.

Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun.

It ain’t but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time.

Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew.

The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man’s pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both.

THE FUNNY MAN

The funny man kan’t open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out.

Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don’t stoop so low.

The funny man’s jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor.

It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness.

Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion.

THE HONEST MAN

Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser.

Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable.

If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the demand.

Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it.

Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount.

You couldn’t put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn’t be found.

Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn’t hunt for hen’s eggs on sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs.

THE SQUARE MAN

The square man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him.

He is free from knots and sap, and won’t warp.

He iz klear stuff, and I don’t kare what yu work him up into, he won’t swell, and he won’t shrink.

He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are amung carpenters, he won’t season-krack.

It don’t make enny difference which side ov him yu cum up to, he iz the same biggness each way, and the only way tew git at him, enny how, is tew face him.

He knows he iz square, and never spends enny time trieing tew prove it.

The square man iz one ov the best-shaped men the world haz ever produced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter tew fit a spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him.

THE OBLONG MAN

The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every time yu want tew use him.

The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way to-morrow.

He ain’t alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that he iz sorry that he waz bilt so.

Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and will fit most enny kind ov a spot with a very little altering.

THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN

The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, and iz az uprite az a lamp-post.

He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, and that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good.

I don’t like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk aginst.

I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by himself.

THE LIMBER MAN

The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch without breaking.

He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that he kant be mended agin.

Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find them pizon slippery.

Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next.

When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare.

Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav.

THE JOLLY MAN

Jolly men are most alwus good men.

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good natur.

I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows who were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz.

Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry.

I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity.

When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless tew be vicious.

I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the wail of an infant.

’Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups.

THE PEWTER MAN

The pewter man takes hiz name from the old-fashioned pewter spoon, made out ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus haff dollar.

Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don’t amount tew mutch.

They ain’t exactly phools; if they was, we could deskribe them better.

They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whetstuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the assortment.

They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green-apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to.

THE FITEING MAN

The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung.

He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and an ugly pug noze.

Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it.

All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt.

Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar.

He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz adversary.

THE PRECISE MAN

The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard.

He iz more partiklar about being just so, then he iz about being right.

Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and kant be kured.

He iz most alwus what we kall a virtewous man at heart, but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind.

He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass.

He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and sumtimes the very hour that enny important event took place.

He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the naborhood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grandfather tell what sort ov a kloud it waz that the lightning cum out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape ov a cocked hat.

The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and trifling incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else.

He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a last year’s Farmers’ Allminax.

He is az set in hiz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch out a glass egg.