The Complete Works of Josh Billings
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Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, that is devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary vegatables, one is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, and the other at the northern, or frigid end.
The southern crop is coquetry, and the northern one is prudery.
Sumtimes these patches are cultivated more assidiously, to the neglekt ov awl the rest, and form the staple crop of the heart.
Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don’t seem to care who gits hurt.
It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider for its viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than in keeping him.
A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, in the springtime of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, full of thorns.
Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but the fragrant glory of a coquett is not of this breed.
This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good ones, and spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems of viktorys without honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting their own dirges.
Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and coquets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philosophers tell us, that “extremes meet.” A prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, she hates a man with her love.
A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn coquets, who are too decrepid to take the field.
Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the prude kan nuss the dieing viktim.
But prudes and coquetts never agree; two ov a trade seldom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, and the old age ov both iz bitterness.
Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled; and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty.
Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by flatterys.
But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches in her heart; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the remorseless pruning-hook of the prude.
It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz nothing more than a coquett gone to seed.
I would rather be a coquett than a prude; thare iz some fun in it – thare is viktory in it; while prudery, at best, iz only a defeat in an inglorious cauze.
Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame az a patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to their daughters; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough.
In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets; all that they bag afterward are of the same breed az themselves; and to the prudes I would suggest that wimmin are growing more plenty every year, and that thare are but few ov them, who insist upon it, that will pay the wear and tear ov a humiliating and laborious siege.
FOLKS WE ALL KNO
THE EFFEMINATE MAN
The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night.
He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions.
He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub – a kitten in pantylets – a sick monkey with a blonde mustash.
He is a vine without enny tendrills – a fly drowned in sweet ile – a paper kite in a ded calm.
He lives as the butterflise do – noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent’s wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without enny button-hole.
He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year’s grasshopper.
He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.
He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground.
THE JEALOUS MAN
The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting.
He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don’t expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.
Theze fellers don’t beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable.
Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness – dreadful sick and kan’t vomit.
THE ANONYMOUS MAN
The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain’t got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain’t trumps.
He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.
He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.
He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.
He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.
He ain’t necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull’s eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.
THE STIFF MAN
The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don’t seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.
He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.
He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don’t dew enny dammage.
I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.
This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain’t entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.
Thare ain’t but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.
Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain’t so. Thare ain’t no such thing as aristokrats in this country.
The country ain’t long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him.
Az a gen’ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain’t apt tew git a big skare at what they ain’t afraid ov.
Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain’t one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse.
THE MODEL MAN
The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat’s tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the Phunny Phellow, and laffs bekause he kan’t help it; hooks up hiz wife’s dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in seazon; attends everyboddy’s phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy’s advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.
The model man’s vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.
He may be called a “clever feller,” and that iz only a libel; but he will git hiz reward hereafter – when the birds get theirs.
THE NEAT PERSON
Neatness, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.
When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks’ feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.
I hav seen individuals who wouldn’t let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan’t blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don’t like cockroaches miself – espeshily in mi soup.
Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don’t seem tew do mutch after all, for they don’t get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin.
If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.
They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.
They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin – very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.
If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don’t think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.
OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS – TWO OF THEM
JOHN BASCOMB
John Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon county, State ov Iowa.
He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph.
He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with.
He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won’t take sass now from enny man living.
He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion.
He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez that one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work on the same vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites.
He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud.
He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth.
He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim Buchanan.
He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin’s rite convenshun.
His gratest desire, he tells me, iz teu see Gen. Jackson, and sez that he shall go next year down teu Tennesee teu see him.
He fatted a hog last year, with hiz own hands, that weighed 636 pounds after it waz drest and well dried out. He iz very cheerful, and sez he won 7 dollars on the weight ov this hog, out ov one ov the deakons ov the hard-shell church. He deklares this teu be one ov the proudest acksidents ov hiz life, for the deakon waz known far and near az a tite kuss.
He tells me that for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o’clock the next day.
The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he reads the allmanax. (I will here state that it iz “Josh Billings’ Farmers’ Almanax” that he reads.)
I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. He pronounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell drink, whiskey unadorned, waz the only speerits that never went bak on a man.
Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et four slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday’s dinner.
Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et ennything but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sum kold ham, and sum injun puddin tew top oph with.
Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish.
I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun.
He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with variashuns.
He waz born a shumaker, but hasn’t done ennything at the trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett.
He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used teu hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining.
On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. He sed “that he had been married 15 times, and proposed again teu Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who waz 28 years old.”
I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady’s hand, and he sed “it lay between him and one Theodorus Whitney, a travelling korn doctor,” and added “if Whitney didn’t look out he would enlarge his head for him.”
Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice:
“To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard shell doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik ticket.”
I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given me ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting teu make special menshun ov what he had sed about enlarging Whitney’s hed for him, for he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood.
I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, and thought over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike.
The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed.
ELIZIBETH MEACHEM
Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever been mi blessed luk teu enkounter.
She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only about 194 years old. Next to Lot’s wife she iz the best preserved woman the world kontains.
I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain.
I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle.
Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she couldn’t die without cutting short one ov her storys.
I asked her teu show me her tounge – I wanted to see if that member waz badly worn; but she couldn’t stop it long enuff teu sho it.
This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit.
She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, by out-talking them.
The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her language with, waz the fashions; but this waz a subjekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan’t mutch.
As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az teu her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung – i refer now teu matrimony.
Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use her own words, “waz too lazy teu talk, or teu listen while she talked, and so he died.”
Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and, tharefore, he died.
Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, “either he or she had got teu die, and the man died.”
Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early.
In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all.
Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly:
“Elizabeth Meachem, yu hav been mutch marrid, and mutch an inkosolate widder – at what time ov life do yu think the marrid state ceazes teu be preferable?”
She replied:
“Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am.”
GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874
That i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body else’s expense.
That i wont borry nor lend – espeshily lend.
That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it.
That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs.
That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov advise they are anxious tew follow.
That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go barefoot tew do it.
That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined fork.
That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one.
That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he happens tew be blue.
That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath.
That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 shillings a gallon.
That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in disguise.
That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight – straight tew the gutter.
That the world owes me a living – provided i earn it.
That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew me.
That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon.
That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az politeness kontinues tew be az cheap az it iz now.
That i wont hav enny religious kreed miself, but will respekt every boddy else’s.
That if lovely woman smaks me on one cheek, i will turn her the other also.
That if a man kalls me a phool, i wont ask him to prove it.
That i will lead a moral life, even if i lose a good deal ov phun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez without trieing it.
That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it iz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose.
That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund.
That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond time.
That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldum so convenient.
That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov a 60 day note.
That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is made.
That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn luk tew miss it.
That i won’t grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness.
That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn tew do it.
That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarser every day.
That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan respekt myself in doing it.
That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won’t envy him, but i will pity the ansestors.
That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal.
That i won’t bet on nothing, for things that require betting on, lak sumthing.
That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently.
That i won’t be suprised at ennything, not even tew be told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch.
That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov malice, but out ov wisdum.
That i won’t hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it.
That i won’t wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than i am.
That i won’t kovet enny man’s wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash.
That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro phatt or not.
Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov brass music, Wimmins’ rights convenshuns and grass widders generally.
MY FUST GONG
I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd – i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin.
The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse.
The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin.
Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew.
Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
Thats what ailed me.
But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was doing my best, … dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, … with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads.
I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn.
I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle.
He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would.
KORN
Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it.
It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like.
Korn iz sumtimes called maize, and it grows in sum parts of the western country, very amaizenly.
I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don’t mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.)
Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder.
Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man.