The Complete Works of Josh Billings
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Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.
When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon.
They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more.
I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger.
They git the name dodger from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger.
It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger, that iz only three hours old.
Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don’t kno, and i don’t know as i care.
Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man.
We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee.
We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee.
If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned?
And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth?
We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for gitting korned.
The brutes don’t git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul.
We often hear ov “drunken brutes,” this is a kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them.
Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals.
Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin.
Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat.
All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the puddin.
Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn’t want him to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit.
When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they didn’t acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.
It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the other vegetables.
Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade.
Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob.
This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as Job waz ov biles.
I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew set down in a chair.
Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts.
Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch, than iz usual.
One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more.
I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst stealing it.
In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all.
ADVERTIZEMENT
I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze – here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)
ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS
1. don’t hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him.
2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking members tew meet the lekturer at the depot.
3. Don’t fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun.
4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer immejiately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them.
5. When the lekturer’s room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera house.
6. Don’t leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once; he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.
7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don’t fail tew make a speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better.
8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don’t laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.
9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the richest ov yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer.
10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don’t think so.
11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded who had preceded him, don’t forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town.
12. If the lekturer’s fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don’t hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters.
13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels.
14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.
15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreshiated aujiences, and he won’t fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain’t no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.
16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don’t forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people.
17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won’t pay expenses, don’t hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer’s fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so.
18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do tew begin with.
SUPPLEMENTARYEveryboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don’t require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it.
Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent.
It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell.
It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest – even a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or goes into his hoel.
I don’t bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Febuary, either forced, or out ov their latitude.
Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don’t pleaze long.
Yu kan’t find contentment laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soonest who throw away their compass and go it blind.
The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, “know thyself.”
LETTER TO FARMERS
Beloved Farmers:
Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.
Rize at haff past 2 o’clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.
Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.
Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o’clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.
The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o’clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.
What iz a lawyer? – What iz a merchant? – What iz a doktor? – What iz a minister? – I answer, nothing!
A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o’clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.
Beloved farmers, adew.
A TEMPRANSE KLUB
Feeling the grate need miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i hav organized a tempranse klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in hite.
Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows:
Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one dollar.
Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates.
The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with a pickle in it.
The password iz —a sweet breath.
The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sentiments without the aid ov whisky.
We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the injuns.
Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, not admitted, such folks are too respektabel.
No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to change a bill, and see what iz going on.
We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss stealing, and the like.
We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussidness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that he probably will.
One ov the prinsipal objekts ov this klub iz tew find out which haz got the most spirit in it, a man, or a quart ov whisky.
If a man kant keep from gitting dry without being put under bonds, he must jine sum other tempranse klub.
This klub haz no pollytiks, nor no religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even the dimokratik tiket, and tend the presbeterian, or hard shell babtisst meeting house.
No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a moderate horn ov lickquor; (if he aktually needs it) without the aid ov a doktors preskripshun.
Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how.
No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt codfish and not feel dry.
Old bummers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless they giv the pass word, (the pass word iz named above.)
All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themselfs.
We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but we do beleave that entreaty and example haz.
This iz not a total abstinence klub.
We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how.
If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az soon as he gits sober.
Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting sober.
Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkouragement, free.
Klub-room open nite and day.
A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots.
Man iz our brother, and we haven’t learnt yet that rum haz destroyed the relashunship.
The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent amuzements.
Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are invited tew bring the dogg.
No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club.
Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us talk hoss, and see us drink root beer.
We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total abstinent.
This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without lieing.
A temperate liar is the very wust kind.
Total abstinence iz the only kure for lieing.
The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and constitushun, and see if we liv up tew them.
Wanted, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no phun in this world only in a gin cocktail.
No phools nor bigots solicited.
PROVERBIAL PIG
Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us.
Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness.
His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun.
He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur.
He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters.
His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian.
His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.
His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy fragranse.
He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness.
He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt.
His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life.
He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely.
Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety.
This is Pig life.
JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE “FEMAIL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY.”
Feller sisters: – When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech.
Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow.
And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness.
Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool.
Feller Sisters, don’t be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf.
Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward.
Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak.
Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then, a bogus heathin.
Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the “Femail Pordunk Sowing Sosiety” will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession.
I bid yu tenderla ajew.
THE FUST BABY
The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy – an event ov mutch gladness.
Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours – to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you – to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you – tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest – tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys – a feast ov the harte.
Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed – tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about “Willie” – tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips – tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plezzure.
Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure – tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu.
Tew look upon the trak that life takes – tew see the sunshine and shower – tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust – tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes – tiz this – oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH
Josh Billings being duly sworn, testifys az follers: Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in arithmeticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a number 6 boot.
Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best.
Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit – compakt, and go strate for the bull’s eye.
Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil than a hypokritt.
I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i never met one. I hav often met thoze who could tell a grate deal more than they did kno, and waz willing tew sware to it besides.
To be proof agin flattery, a man must hav no vanity, and such a man never existed; if he did, he iz now one ov the lost arts.
Hope haz made a grate menny blunders, but thare iz one thing about her that i alwus did like – she means well.
Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and others, bekauze they hant got a good chance.
Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov – thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from good to bad.
In munny, interest phollows the principal; in morals, principle often phollows the interest.
Yu will notis one thing – the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital.
Curiosity had twins – one waz Invenshun and the other waz Stick Yure Noze Into Things.
Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take her before?
I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none ov the better off.
I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu.
“In time ov peace prepare for war.” This iz the way sum familys liv all the time.
Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew “bet hiz bottom dollar,” yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile.
The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a single virtew.
Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mollassis.
The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance.
Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out.
Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference – in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys.
Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism.
I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they wouldn’t kno it.
We never outgro our phollys – we only alter them.
Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift – charity cums from the heart; a gift, from the pocket.