TIDA

And never have I felt such a deep feeling of alienation from my own self and from full presence in the world.

Albert Camus

Chapter 1. Slippery stones

In the pitch darkness,on the top of the rock, a white cloud hung, clinging just a little by the stones. A mighty giant was looking afar, letting down his long gray hair. Light wind was blowing his wrinkled face over, tainting his hair.

Thick and just like fallen white snow, his gray eyebrows were hiding the beautiful eyes. The eyes were full of tears and endless happiness simultaneously.

– Oh no, you woke your Dad up…. Muhit, sorry, the children were unstoppable. I don’t know why they are so hyped and just…. We have been riding for so long and this steppe and sands are all around. And here there is a city seen and the blue of the sea… Everyone has been emotional, darling, – addressed him his wife Mereke, making excuses, a little.

– I get it, Mereke, everyone is tired of riding. I have rested a little, I can say. And it’s great that I had a chance to take a little nap. I don’t want to seem exhausted for your parents. I need to wash my face and I can say I am ready. What a dream I had! How could I see in my dream some giant with his hair down, Mereke.

– Well, children, is everyone ready? Let’s go further then,– addressing his children he got a tight-knit agreement. Smiling after, he glanced quickly at his wife. She nodded her head and smiled sweetly.

In anticipation of a soon meeting with her parents, Mereke was glowing with happiness. She didn’t even want to hide it and looking around she was trying to recollect some song melodies.

Muhit noticed everything that was happening with her then. He was also happy about it in his inner self, listening to her pleasant singing.

– Mereke, these songs are so old. I have recollected them. Once my mom sang them to me. It’s so surprising that you know them. I would never even think that you know this exact song. The song which my mom used to like singing for me… It’s like you transferred me to my childhood. Thank you, darling,– addressed her Muhit and tried to look through the rearview mirror and see the hushed kids settled on the backseat. All of them were exhausted from the long ride and sleeping tightly.

– Yes,you are right darling. It’s an old folk song. We tried to sing it with girls who lived next door back then. Neighbors often liked to gather at my parents’ house on Saturday evenings. I can remember it clearly. So men were discussing something amongst each other. And women were singing different songs. And we were listening and even tried to join them… And what kind of voices they had?! How can I not recollect our favorite neighbor, aunt Talshyn? I remember the way she hit the hardest pitches. She charmed all listeners with her singing. And it didn’t surprise anyone then. Now I feel she had it as her natural talent…

Precisely this song she liked singing, by the way. I don’t even know why I remembered this song… And you know what I’d also like to say. It’s that when I sing these melodies now, I imagine her. Even if it sounds strange and is hard to believe, it is so. That’s what we saw in our childhood, darling. Perhaps I've learnt this song since then. Do you also like this song? What a good time it was, people tried to communicate with each other, give each other pleasant emotions, for a reason or not. Are they still alive? I would like to, if we are home, visit all of them. I am sure they would remember me right the way. I was always their favorite one, always dancing before them… I don’t even know why I always liked to dance before them. Perhaps I wanted them to rate my dancing abilities. But does it matter now? So much time has passed but it still appears before my eyes…. Maybe you also have something to recollect, darling, don’t you? I was so graceful back then, just as our daughter is now and tried to make various movements. As for me, those dancing moves were like a breath of fresh air. I don’t know why but I wanted to be praised. And what is really strange, they clapped and supported me… However it was, I was never embarrassed by them. Definitely my mom still remembers my tricks and, I think, she will tell you what kind of child I was with pleasure,– answered Mereke, eager to make sure why kids suddenly hushed down, she turned around to have a look at them.

– Darling, how beautifully they sleep. If only we knew what fate would bring for them. Recently I have been wondering about it a lot, darling. I don’t even know why. I try to push away bad thoughts. Muhit, sometimes I cry not knowing the reason. I didn’t want to tell you in order not to concern you. Recently I’ve been so moved. I don’t know why but anxiety doesn’t leave me alone. Don’t you feel the same, darling? I’m sorry that I have to ask you this question. Answer me, darling. It’s important for me…,– she continued and glancing at him, she suddenly hushed. Her beautiful eyes were full of tears and it was hard for her to keep it

– Mereke, you take it too close. We are resting now and nothing should spoil our staying here. Generally, you have been tired these days and I noticed it, of course. You know, I am sure of one thing. We will spend an unforgettable vacation here. We will dump all negative things from our inside, gather good emotions and come back home after all. And how about dancing? We will have enough time to dance here too, darling. Speaking of your worries, I will say only one thing. Mereke, you need to try good in everything. I’m not saying that life, whatever it is, can have some surprises for us. Yes, it is what it is but we are together and it is enough to get through all these circumstances. You are a woman so it might be the reason for you to worry. But everything will be fine. And even better. Everything’s going to be great, darling. Leave your worries behind. Am I right, darling?– replied Muhit and reached his hand to pet her on her shoulder.

Mereke just nodded him and kept silent. She took out her handkerchief and wiped off her tears quickly and unnoticeably for her husband. Eager to get rid of her obsessive thoughts, she started looking at the city, appearing in the horizon.

Soon, city of Aktau met them with its glory. Tall houses tried to shed the setting sun. The weather was wonderful. Sun rays were trying to flirt with the sea at the end of the day and were tossing numerous highlights on the coast rocks. Gloomy rocks tried to push them away, forced to be patient. Only boring seagulls were sitting on the rocks silently. Turning at them from time to time. They were pulling their wings in a lazy manner looking down at their legs.

– Dad, what’s the name of the city where we were supposed to come? Dad, why are seagulls silent? But you said they were gonna scream…. Will there be kids? I’ll always be bored around you,– complained Kanat.

– Son, but we have already come. The name of the city is Aktau. It’s the city where your mom was born and grew up. And all of you know that your dad is from Aralsk. We were passing it by at night and you were asleep then, indeed. There is also the sea. Even though unfortunately it’s not as it used to be, it’s stunning as well. We will get there next year, during our next vacation. Is it a deal, kids? How can we go on with no kids?! Well, concerning the seagulls, perhaps they are silent because they are the most important here and they are bored, just as you are… You’ll have a chance to see screaming seagulls. You surely will. Mereke, please, wipe their faces. They are dirty. Mereke, what did they eat? They don’t look like children but like little apes,– he said with a smile to his son and looked at his wife again.

– Of course, darling. Kids sit still and look at the sea. It’s so beautiful, you see. And don’t bother your dad. He is driving. Perhaps your grandma and grandpa can’t wait to see us. Kids, did you miss them? Or have you changed your minds?,– she asked the kids and laughed loudly. Kids didn’t have an answer, looked at each other and shook their heads.

– Grandma probably baked something for us… And grandma’s pies are special… She is probably looking at the road. Darling, watch out,– she continued, wiping kids’ faces- noticing a hole on the road and addressing her husband.

– Of course, I see it all,– he answered shortly and started looking at the road more carefully.

The heat was going down in the evening and quitted being unbearable when they were approaching the city. But the sea and its light breeze gave a feeling of pleasant coolness.

Since the moment of leaving the city of Kyzylorda, in the direction of Aktau, the sun was heating everywhere around differently in these summer July days. It might be said it was heating especially hard. All plants around the road were burnt down. Just rare, low bushes, exhausted with heat herds of local horses and far figures of camels could make everyone who was there happy. And only the suddenly appeared sea, gave happiness to the eyes of passengers. And surrounded the consciousness of each with its coolness.

Our hero’s name will be Muhit. He was born and grew up in the city of Aralsk. His wife Mereke and he both worked in the children’s hospital of Kyzylorda city. He worked as a neuropathologist. Muhit liked his work even though it took much of his energy away. Mereke worked there as a nurse. They had two children. The elder girl’s name was Karlygash, she has just finished her fifth year of school. The younger one’s name was Kanat. He was only four years of age. All of them were going to visit Mereke’s parents during their summer holidays. It all seemed to be some kind of adventure for Muhit. He was getting ready for this journey for a whole year. Nobody could not notice his happy eyes. His son Kanat was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. This pathology was discovered when he was a little child and expressed as a disorder of moving functions from the light difficulties to complete immobility. That diagnosis scared him as a doctor when was discovered. It scared him even not because it was given to his son but also because he thought the doctors found it too late. Later on, with Kanat’s growth, some speaking and mental disorders were discovered. Staying late at work he could study the problem for a long time, trying to find the best ways of solving it. Even his friend Pavel who also worked at the same children’s hospital of Kyzylorda city noticed his late stayings and joined him in his research. Trying to understand his diagnosis and symptoms, he attempted to lead him on the right path with his advice. Long evenings they were staying at work, arguing in seeking for the necessary way, in desire to find the most appropriate way of treatment of his son. The way which could lead his son if not to the complete cure but at least to the improvement of his condition. Trying to get to the deep roots of the problem, and accepting the present reality, they were arguing and justifying their approaches to treatment.

Yes, he acknowledged what was happening around especially with his son. Deep inside he didn’t want Mereke to know about his interest in special literature. And he concealed it in any possible way. That’s why he never brought those books home and didn’t even try to discuss any perspectives of their son’s treatment with her. He was positive that if she learnt about it, she would get really upset. She would get upset because of awaiting despair and give up. That was not what he could allow.

– Mom, do we have many relatives in Aktau? Shall we greet all of them? We haven’t even met and known them yet,– Karlygash started asking her mom, puzzled.

– Karlygash, sweetheart, even if you don’t know them, they all know about you… They even know about Kanat… Kanat, you wanted to be an important guest, didn’t you? Now that’s who you’ll be. You will be the most important and special guests at grandma’s and grandpa’s.– she laughed and looked at their kids and patted her husband’s hand.

Muhit replied his wife with a smile and decided to get involved in conversation:

– Well, if I am your father, what shall he do,kids?,– he couldn’t help but asked his favorite question as usual, to his sitting on the backseat kids.

Knowing their answer he was happy and glowing. Even his wife who noticed it looked at him with unusual interest, looking at the watch from time to time. An upcoming meeting with her parents couldn’t leave her mind. But those who already looked as if they were bored, answered their father: “he should watch and look after us!” in unison.

And all of them laughed at that moment in harmony. Each of them was happy in their own manner. Now they didn’t even feel exhausted from the long journey, and attempted to shorten the time in speaking. To speak about different things. To speak even about something small but it was important to be there, then, together with the kids. To cheer up with them. They were planning this journey to the sea for a long time. Muhit couldn’t bare persistent pleadings of Mereke to take them to her parents. And he promised to do so during his next vacation. Mereke was so happy to hear his decision that she kissed him. Now he was making the promise given to his wife come true. He was driving and thinking about his own things. Just sometimes he was getting involved in conversation, trying to cheer himself up and it was successful of course. Mereke has noticed his tiredness and even attempted to insist on stopping so that he could limber up and rest for a little. But he didn’t want to stop then. He wanted to reach home as soon as possible and have a good rest there, finally get in bed and sleep.

Suddenly a crowd appeared before him as if there was a festive procession. All of them were walking the same direction. It couldn’t but surprised Muhit. And he couldn’t help but asked his wife about it:

– Mereke, is here any holiday today?

It’s not even strange that there are so many of them but that all of them walk in the same direction. Oh, yes… It is the sea. How could I forget about it,– said Muhit, smiling.

– So, darling, where else could they all go if not to the sea and beach?! Aren’t we here for this sake?– she said laughing.

– Dad, mom, we also want to go to the sea. Can we go to the sea first and then visit grandma and grandpa?– Kanat was the first one to ask, stuttering.

– Mom, I’m hungry, I don’t need any sea…– suddenly Karlygash said, looking closely at people around.

After that she hushed down and even her parents looked at each other surprisingly.

– Kids, enough. Karlygash, we will be home soon. Be patient for a little time. No sea for us today. We are going to the ones who are waiting for us now. And, by the way, there’ll be much delicious food for you. Tomorrow we’ll try to arrange a joint walk to the sea. Is that a deal? Soon, in a couple of streets we’ll be home.– said Mereke affirmatively. Kids hushed down on these words and were looking at the car windows busily.

After some time, the car got to the destination point. By the gates where they stopped, Mereke’s parents had been waiting for them. Kids jumped out of the car first and started hugging and kissing them. Their daughter Mereke followed them and also gave them hugs and kisses. Everyone who greeted the elderly knew that the last one would be their father and moved away. Muhit got out of the car, straightened up, came up to Mereke’s father in an easy manner, hugged each of them.

– Hello! How is it going? How do you feel? How is your health? Will you kiss me as well?-he addressed to his mother-in-law Muhit, laughing.

– My beloved son! How are you, my darling?– she kissed him on both cheeks and hugged.

– Hello!,– Muhit looked at Mereke’s father, they shook hands tightly and hugged.

– Hello, my son. How are you doing, my darling? How was your journey? Probably you are really tired,– he let his hand go and hugged Muhit as well.

Mereke’s parents treated him especially warmly. At first, Muhit was embarrassed by it but later he started treating them more warmly and heartily. Often, when they met this way, Muhit tried to recollect his parents who passed away untimely. Recollecting some moments of his life, he attempted to parallel some moments of his life involuntarily. He compared her parents with his if they had been alive. He will remember for a long time the road tragedy which occurred and took the lives of his parents. He will remember it so well that he will stop discussing it with anyone altogether. Even his wife Mereke who tried to ask for details once, had made sure that it was useless. Later on she would stop those attempts. He was adopted by his uncle right away. He was almost sixteen years old back then. He will hide in the depth of his soul the pain of loss of his parents. The pain which occurs when there are so many words for your closed ones but you cannot tell them because they've already been gone. He will hide it as deeply as possible so that he begins living in a new reality. He did this so he could give his kids everything which he unfortunately lacked. Family life of Muhit and Mereke hadn’t always been as harmonious as now. Before the birth of the children they rarely had fights. Mereke went to her parents here in Aktau several times. He didn’t like it but could do nothing. So, each time he was living him after those fights, she always wanted to get divorced with him and start a new life. But her mother, a wise woman, always helped her daughter with a piece of advice. And sometimes she was criticizing her fairly. She was giving her an example by telling her different stories which happened in her own life. Explaining different moments of life, she taught her daughter to be persistent in her life and in overcoming problems and circumstances. Also she taught her not to make reckless decisions which could have spoiled her life in the future. She taught her, as she could, to rethink all situations which had occurred. Mereke would be always thankful to her for that. She was an only child. Her parents wanted to have other kids as well. Although circumstances of life, in particular, sicknesses of her mother which were going one by one, didn’t let her get pregnant again. Her mother explained it by the environmental situation, and Mereke didn’t have any other choice but to support her, listening to her rare excuses and giving her tight hugs. Of course, she felt lonely growing up in a family with no siblings but her parents, especially her dad, tried hard to put their souls in her.

When she was young, she could leave her peer friends and stay with her dad. She was interested in everything he was doing. She was helping her dad to repair his motorcycle named IZH-Planet, she was looking at him with her enchanted eyes, listening to his stories which happened to him while fishing or hunting. While even giving him necessary tools, she felt more important than her peer friends who were playing with dolls or jumping ropes… Even checking back some details of his stories, she wanted to remember and carry them in her heart as long as possible.

He was the most loved and, of course, an ideal man for her. Trying to date her peers in school years, she inevitably attempted to introduce to her dad and compare them to each other. Later on, this bond was noticed by their mom and she never was offended. Just rarely, when she was angry with her about her disobedience or different tricks, she would say “it is your daughter…” In such cases her husband and daughter looked at each other and smiled pleasantly in understanding. The time flew inevitably fast and not looking at anything, it didn’t dare to stop. Mereke was growing and turned into a normal girl from a little princess. Adored by her parents, now she was the one trying to ease their routine. Eager to get a medical education after school and become a doctor, she wanted to be devoted to this noble job and to care about her parents better in the future. But her desires and wishes were not destined to come true. She lacked only one point to get attended to Aktybinsk Medical university broke her will. She was crying for a couple of days. Afterall she realized that she needed to come home with some results and attended a medical college. To her surprise, she passed all exams easily and entered there. Now, when she saw her parents, memories of her life appeared and she couldn’t control her emotions anymore and burst into tears.

– Mereke, why are you actually crying? We are old people but we still control ourselves. Cut it out, daughter- her dad said.

– Yes, dad, sorry that your daughter is such a crybaby… I have been missing you. Dad, I’m so glad seeing you safe and sound!– she said to her dad, wiping her tears off.

– Karlygash, Kanat, my sweet grandkids! Come here again and let me kiss your faces again. Mereke, haven’t you taught them to give their faces for grandma and grandpa’s kisses? Where have you gone? – laughing and willing to catch them said Mereke’s mother, looking at Muhit.

– Why are we standing here? Daughter, why are you actually standing? Ask our grandkids to get inside. Let’s come in. You will tell all your news there,– she decided to get in the house first.

Everyone was getting inside but Mereke was willing to find the kids in the yard, stayed outside. The thing that she saw in the backyard made her stop in surprise. Kids were standing before the swings which their favorite grandpa made for them quickly. Karlygash was trying to persuade her little brother but he was still trying to climb up on them.

– Mom, Kanat doesn’t want to obey me and wants to climb the swings,– she addressed to her mom tearfully, still trying to pull her little brother’s hand off.

– Kanat, you need to always obey your sister. And you, Karlygash, well done for looking after him. That’s how it is supposed to be. He is our little one. Let’s get in. Everyone has been waiting for us,– she said it to both of them, picked up Kanat and all of them got in, having the house walked around.

In the middle of the room there was a table which seemed huge for Mereke when she had been a child. It was full of treats and it inspired children who were tired of the journey. Mereke sat by her mother and set Kanat on her knees. Karlygash was trying to place herself comfortably at the chair and stretched for a spilled glass of stewed fruit. In the middle of the table, a big bowl of fried fish was placed.

– Eat, Karlygash. Have a nice meal my sweet grandkids. Muhit, tell me, how is your job going? So you are saying that medicine has nothing to offer to the kids who have such a diagnosis for now? Is it possible that modern science is powerless to do something? I feel sorry for little kids,– he asked his son-in-law thoughtfully, looking at the clock.

– Well yes, even though science always moves on and flies further fast but unfortunately it can only ease the course of the disease, not cure it. Dad, subtle matter is involved here. Here, there are no answers but more likely there are many questions…. However we are trying not to lose our faith. I have some drafts and plans but we still need some time… And it is never enough for all of us now, as it’s said. That’s how it is… It’s not complicated because it’s hard to find the best approach and way. They are a common knowledge. I think I still need to evaluate everything. Evaluate all circumstances of his condition and choose that only way which might really help him. Now he said that to his father-in-law giving an empty cup to his wife.

– Karlygash, Kanat, help yourselves. Why aren’t you eating anything? Isn’t it tasty, your grandma cooked it for you? Oh, our grandkids have grown… I have noticed it right away. Especially our Kanat has changed. Karlygash, what are your achievements at school? And still, you’ve made the right decision to come here. The sea will be very helpful for children,– saying that, Mereke’s father moved some plates with treats to his grandkids.

– Yeah, of course, dad. The kids have grown. Unfortunately, time flies. Dad, how are you doing yourselves? Does anything bother you? Mom told me on the phone that you are suffering from backache. You don’t tell me anything. Just mom tells me something from time to time. And still involuntarily. Let me give you a massage tomorrow. Deal, dad? Karlygash, Kanat if you are done eating, let’s go, I’ll make beds for you and you’ll have a rest,– she said looking at her sleepy children. She got up and hugged her father.

– Mereke, I’d like to show you something,– said her mom and got up walking to the furthest room.